Issue # 000002
For the Week Ending 11/17/00
My sympathies ran high this week as I watched two souls suffer
a heartbreaking fate. One of them met at untimely death and the other must now live an empty life, suffering alone
in the Lopez-Fitzgerald household – yes, I’m speaking of the two teddy bears Ethan and Theresa won at the carnival.
Can you imagine spending your entire life hanging on a wall waiting for some snot-nosed kid to come along to free
you from oppression, and when the big moment finally happens you end up with...well YOU know who they ended up
with. I felt so damn sorry for them I gave them names – Ralph and Hurly. At least Theresa managed to show some kindness– she
saved Ralph and Hurly from having to view yet another gastro-intestinal-disease-inducing kiss. I wish someone would
have propped ME up differently so I didn’t have to watch. Calling all techno-junkies – could someone please figure
out a way to fast forward my fast forward?
Ahhhhh – the double wedding fantasy – can you think of something
that would piss both SHUIS and E/T fans off more?? Well, never mind that – it would be a BIG mistake on Theresa’s
part. Usually when there are two brides in a chapel, it signals a double wedding is taking place. But for ETHAN
it’d be a multiple-choice test.
Priest: “Do you Ethan, take Theresa to be your awful wedded wife..”
Ethan: (gazing lovingly over at his Aunt dressed in white lace)
“No, I think I’m in love with Sheridan!”
Priest: “But she’s your aunt, you idiot.”
Ethan: “Damn! Why is this always happening to me???”
I’ll be the first to admit an Ethan/Sheridan pairing totally wouldn’t
work – there is NOTHING romantic about inter-breeding (Ethan’s most DEFINITELY of the Crane blood line). Of course,
there’s nothing romantic about a wealthy engaged lawyer becoming involved with a naive bipolar teenager...but I
Trust me Terrorcita, you don’t want to create any confusion for
your future lap dog – KEEP IT SIMPLE!
And then there was the brutal murder of Ethan’s beloved carnival
teddy bear – I believe that was Hurly. Fans watched in horror as Gwen viciously stabbed Hurly and ripped him to
shreds. What the audience didn’t see was the scene of Hurly begging Gwen to take its poor miserable life. That’s
right my dear Watson, it was a mercy killing!!. How would YOU feel if every time someone held you in their arms, you reminded
them of “Cinderhoocherella”? Not exactly a boost to one’s self- image, even if you’re the ill-fated merchandise
of a Taiwanese sweat shop. Rest in peace our dear Hurly, rest in peace.
Finally, Theresa proved to me once and for all that she has about
has much integrity as a West Palm Beach County ballot. Gwen antagonists take note – Theresa did not need any coaxing
from her mother to go into ME MODE when she learned of Sheridan’s death. Nope, the Terror takes to selfishness
like a buzzard takes to road kill. The scene of Theresa pumping her grief-stricken brother for information was
absolutely the most loathsome display of thoughtlessness I’ve seen from the Terror to date. Shut up about your stupid dead girlfriend already Luis, what exactly did Ethan say????
If there was ANY DOUBT in ANYONE’S mind about Theresa’s juvenile
and insanely egotistical outlook on life, the last segment of Friday’s show should have adequately removed all
uncertainty. Ethan’s in his bedroom holding a picture of Sheridan, mourning the loss of someone he loved deeply.
In the meantime, Theresa is downstairs, whining and scrunching, “I thought this BEAR meant everything to Ethan.”
Arrrrrggghhhhh! Theresa, you are truly a STAIN in the fabric of humanity.
”Ripping the Terror a New One” Quote of the Week
"Frankly Theresa I’m really appalled by
your behavior, calling at a time like this when our family is grieving. It’s not your place to be concerned about
Ethan nor will it EVER be your place. Now I thank you NOT TO PHONE HERE AGAIN! HMMMMMMM??"
Wow, I rarely agree with Julian, but there are always exceptions
to be made!
Next Week’s Faux Spoiler
Theresa gives Ethan an important note while he mourns the loss
of his beloved Aunt.
Do you think Ethan will be able to comprehend this simple voting
format, or do you think he’ll walk around for six weeks bitching about getting Chad pregnant?
Health Tip of the Week
Be sure to start checking your children for intrusive head lice. Lice
usually inject their prey with small amounts of anesthetic before biting down. The little kiddies could be spending
their days with a parasite attached to their head and not even realize it. However, the bites could soon begin
to itch and an infection may develop. If anyone happens to run into Ivy or Julian Crane, please be a sweetie and
pass this valuable information on. Methinks Ethan is long overdue for a good combing.
A Passionate Tribute to Sue Hawk – Survivor Extraordinaire
I have no questions. I just have statements. Ethan, you're a very
openly arrogant, pompous human being, but I admire your frankness with it. You’ve never worked a hard day in your
life, but at least you make an occasional attempt at being a decent human being. On the other hand your inability
to handle your problems without going into a whining “I am a Crane” idiotic speech makes you a bit of a loser in
Gwen, you lost your life-long beau to a naive teenage girl who
doesn’t know the first thing about having a mature, adult relationship. Gwen, you sucked at being a fiancé.
Terror, you were very two-faced and manipulative to get where you're
at in Ethan’s life. That's why your storyline is a complete and utter failure.
James E. Reilly, I'll happily move on to other storylines. But
if I were ever to pass Ethan and Theresa along in life and they were laying there dying of thirst, I would not
give them a drink of water. I would let the vultures take them and do whatever they want with them with no ill
I plead to the JER to think a little bit MORE about the show that
we have watched. This storyline is pretty much full of only two things – bad writing and ...really bad writing.
And in the end, we have Ethan the pig, who knowingly leads on two
women at the same time. And then there’s Theresa, who butchers relationships to satisfy her own selfish hunger.
I feel we owe it to the spirits in the basement, that we have learned to come to know, to let it be in the end
the way it SHOULD be, for the butcher to devour the pig so quickly...she chokes on the gristle.