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THIS MONTHS DILEMMAS ~ F E B U A R Y '00 page 1

 

Can't say No to sex

Dear msX ~
My problem is that I can't say No to having sex with guys I like. I don't mean I can't say no to a guy because I'm scared, I mean I totally enjoy it. The problem is I usually end up felling like a slut afterwards... so can you give me your opinion, Is what I'm doing wrong? And if it is... what are some things I can do to not have this problem??

Dear Can't Say No,
There is nothing wrong with enjoying sex and wanting plenty of it. Only it is dangerous to do it with multiple partners. Having a healthy libido is not a crime if you find one compatible partner with similar needs. However, in this day and age, people have to be careful who they sleep with because of AIDS and other STD's. So, find yourself a steady guy, but until you do, the only really safe sex is abstinence. This is by no means judgmental, dear, just cautious Old Ms. X, telling you that it is better to be safe and single than promiscuous and dead. Everyone you and your partners have slept with is at risk, so it's a better idea to keep your circle small and limit your exposure. As far as feeling like a slut, that is in your head, is it not? Unless you believe that sleeping with guys is the only way to get them to like you, or you're advertising your sexuality to the Western world, you have nothing feel bad about. If people are talking, maybe you should be more discrete.
Just a thought.
ms. X


What should I do??

Dear msX ~
I feel kinda funny asking anyone for advice because no one seems to understand me! In fact I'm actually kinda scared to ask for advice! Around here everyone thinks I'm so weird! To everyone else everything I find so cool so amazing is stupid to everyone else! I don't even think I have real friends I have nothing in common with anyone except.....him...my problem! You see I met this guy on the Internet and he lives in Las Vegas, Nevada and me Maryland very far! and you see I'm 13 years old and he is 14 going on 15 in 2 days! Well, from when I sent this! His birthday is the 26 of January! N~E~Wayz! I'm only 13 but in April I'll be 14 but the problem is that he thinks I'm 15 a year older then him when in fact I'm a year younger! I don't know why I lied to him in the first place! It's tearing me up inside! I know I'm too young to be having these problems but I do...and something has to be done about them! I like him so much he is the ONLY one that understands me! I've asked for advice from numerous people and they tell me to simply tell him...LIKE IT'S THAT EASY! Sometimes I wonder if they ever dated themselves! ...I really need help! I feel like such a loner! I don't open up to ANYONE anymore! When I was little I was used so much I had no friends and as a result I don't show no affection or emotion to anyone I meet! It's only him...I don't know why! I don't even open up completely to him! I try talking to my parents about my situations they don't care...everyone I talk to doesn't care! I don't get it! I listen to everyone's problems and give them advice and I really listen and care about their problems.....why can't they do it back! It's only him...that understands me and I don't wanna lose him...we were meant to be together! It's so obvious! I feared that if I didn't lie about my age he wouldn't talk to me....I thought Yeah, when he sees my real personality he wont care about my age! But it's not that easy...I recently lost a good friend from the same problem...I told him I was 15 and told the truth now he hates me...I don't want it to happen again! Can you give me some advice...Do I have a problem?
Ps.~ Don't worry I don't expect you to understand and relate to my problem

Dear What Should I do,
Not to make light of your problem, but how do you know he hasn't misrepresented himself to you? How do you know he's not a sixty-year-old midget or worse? That's the danger and excitement of online relationships...people can hide behind many different disguises. So stop beating up on yourself. I am sure that he has exaggerated a bit himself, don't you think? Your lie, of adding a year to your age, to someone who lives clear across the country and you have about as good a chance of meeting in the near future as Ms. X has of landing on the moon, is hardly a felony-class lie. Right now, the two of you have a neat friendship online and that's terrific, it sounds like something you need. When and if the time is right to come clean, you'll know. Meanwhile, lighten up and enjoy.
ms. X


doubting myself

Dear msX ~
OK here it goes, I like this guy. Weíve known each other for a long time heís one grade ahead of me so we've gone through school together. I started liking him while he was going out with another girl that lives in another town. While he was going out with her we always flirted. He would always be smiling at me and stuff. Now they broke up and I like him even more. We flirt more than before. He is always smiling at me and he talks to me all the time and hints about liking me. The only thing is I'm not sure if he just wants to boost heís ego by flirting or if he really likes me. I totally like him and I don't want to mess anything up by asking him. What should I do?????

Dear Doubting Myself,
And, what I must ask, is wrong with the status quo? Sometimes doing nothing is the best thing to do. Enjoy what you have with him and see where it leads. What's the rush?
ms. X


guy trouble

Dear msX ~
Hello. I have a guy problem. I went out with a guy for 9 months. We broke up and he has a new girlfriend. I still like him and have told him that. We kind of remained friends, but it seems like everyday he blows me off with out even realizing it. I have dreams about him. How can I get him back but not in the same very closed relationship as before. He did not like that. I don't want to break them up, but I want them to break up. I am 14 and in high school.

Dear Guy Trouble,
He is a person with freewill, not an object. Getting him back has to come from within him, i.e. he has to want to. Just be your own charming self and, if he's interested, you'll see where you stand sooner or later. You've made it clear how you feel. But, it sounds like he doesn't want what you want right now and I would wonder why you are so eager to conform to his needs just to get him back. Eventually your dreams will focus on others when you stop pushing and move on with your own life. Wanting someone who doesn't want you is painful, yes, but after a while it gets a bit tired, too.
ms. X


friendship ending

Dear msX ~
My name is Amanda and my best friend is mad at me . She always talks to me about everything now she wont she wonít tell me whatís wrong but I already know what it is . She thinks Iím flirting with her boy-friend which Iím not trying to do. Iím in a happy relationship my self and I donít like her boy friend. Yes its true I use to but not any more. How can I confront her and tell her whatís on my mind when Iím afraid of losing our friendship. Please help me Iím going to be a mess until you respond so please try your best to hurry.

Dear Amanda,
This is how I feel about apologies, dear. Being able to say one's sorry is an extremely important skill, but the best apology is one that is sincere and true. Many can mouth the right words, but actions speak more loudly. Your friend heard your apology and it is up to her to choose whether she accepts it. Maybe the time isn't right and she will at some future time. Maybe not. But, either she is very pissed at you for something she's not saying or she is just enjoying your squirming at her feet, I can't say which. If you've done what you're supposed and told your valued friend how sorry you are (not just denied what she accused you of), the ball is now in her court.
ms. X


Where did she go?

Dear msX ~
I'm sincerely hoping you'll answer this one very soon because I'm very confused about it all. I just today found out that one of my friends (we'll call her Jill) MOVED. She didn't tell anyone at all. Her mom apparently picked her up Wednesday afternoon and no one seems to know where she is. I just assumed she was sick until she didn't show at school today. One girl called Jill's aunt and she was the one who told her she moved. I had to get the news from the grapevine but all the same it's not like anyone would lie about something like that. Anyway, I'm just looking for any sort of explanation. Any idea. Is this some kind of witness protection thing? Are there actual people that just pick up and go like this? So confused. . .

Dear Where did she go?
I'm hoping you just have an over-active imagination because that would be a sad and dangerous situation for your friend. There are other scenarios, maybe a bad break-up of one of her parent's relationships or other grownup trouble. If she can and wants to, she will eventually contact you. You are a good friend to worry, but there is really nothing you can do.
ms. X


I feel I've lost him!

Dear msX ~
My son is 12 and he and I have not seen eye to eye for about a year now and I excused it for a long time as being hormones, etc. but It has gotten no better at all!!! All I get is attitude from him and he seems so unhappy with me. I divorced his dad 8 years ago and he has had a step-dad for 6 years now and he has no relationship with either of the dads. I feel he is craving a father figure and am thinking of sending him to go live with his real dad. His dad does want him but in the past he has had problems with him also. I do not want my son to feel like I am giving up on him but I really feel he needs his dads attention right now or am I really giving up???? I have 5 children(all living with me) and have not had any real problems with them yet so what am I doing so wrong with my son? My family will pretty much hate me for this but I strongly feel he needs more guidance than he is getting with me right now. What to do?
Thank-you, Mom in need

Dear Mom In Need,

I don't have to tell you that every child is different. Your son may be a typical adolescent, but he is no one's carbon copy. These are the years when kids are finding out who they are, trying on different personas, and navigating a difficult world. Non-conformity is a key ingredient of these years and it should be respected. I know you're in pain now, but you need to be the grownup now. Respect the fact that your son needs to do some breaking away from you now. Choose your battles carefully because if you object to everything, you will always be fighting, and both of you will want to flee the relationship. Things that effect his health, safety, and future are non-negotiable, but be prepared to bend on stuff like dress code, music, the typical youthful eccentricities. It wouldn't matter to me, say, if a kid had an earring, but it would kill me if he dropped out of school. Find some positive stuff to say to him. Compliment his singing voice, a kind act, his unique style. Let him know you are seeing him as the individual he is becoming and not just a product of you and his father. You can only deliver effective criticism if you're willing to compliment, too. No one's going to listen to someone who's always ragging on them. I can't tell you how important it is to focus on the positive. If you send him to live with his father, he may feel you're giving up on him. Don't do this without alot of discussion and agreement on his part. And make sure he is really welcome at his father's. Talk to his dad about having a unified approach. Spend some time alone with your son, doing something fun. If you're going to close off the lines of communication now, you may never regain them. It takes work to have a good relationship with a teenager, but it's worth it. These years pass very quickly, try to extract some good from them. It saddens me that you are both so unhappy with each other. Please try to work things out, even if he ultimately decides that he needs to live with his dad.
Good luck,
ms. X


Lonely

Dear msX ~
I have recently moved to another state and at first I really liked it, but then school started and I was so sure that I was going to start all over and not make any mistakes or anything. I have never had problems making friends before, but ever since I got to this school it has been a total disaster. I mean I can't find anybody I can relate to. It's already been a long time and I still don't have any friends. I tried going out with some people from my school and I had fun but the next day they wouldn't even speak to me. I know that they have known each other for a long time, because it is such a small town, but I have really tried everything to get friends and it just doesn't seem to work. I need help.

Dear Lonely,
Trying to crash a clique is going to be a painful experience. You have to try to approach people when they are not part of a larger group. Once you break the ice and a couple of individuals accept you, it is much easier then to be accepted into a group. Kids are crueler when they have an audience. Sad, but true.
Good luck,
ms. X



Confused and worried...

Dear msX ~
I have a small dilemma. You see, my friend and I have been friends for about 7 years. She's a lot older than me... like she's 47 and I'm 17, a senior in High School. We're cool and we like to hang out a lot. She has only 2 sons and in the past she's called me the daughter she never had so, we've grown close through the years ( as you can imagine). But sometimes, unintentionally, she gets hooked on people and seems to me that she doesn't pay attention to me. In the past few years, I've watched her do this to others and I've been wondering you know, since we're supposedly so close, when is it my turn. I mean, I know she's not just my friend, but sometimes I feel as if she's putting me aside and is my friend only when she needs me. She has her little spurts when she's my friend and we're all cool and then sometimes it's the total opposite. I know there's a bit of jealousy here, what should I do?

Dear Confused and Worried,
You have thirty years between you. Surely, while the two of you can be excellently compatible friends, it is unrealistic that you both wouldn't need to have some friends your own age. When friendships become exclusive and limit their contacts to just each other, then you have a dangerous situation. Go out with your own friends and don't begrudge her some adult companionship of her own. It is nice that you can get beyond the age thing, but let's be real.
ms. X


confused love

Dear msX ~
I'm having a little problem with my girlfriend who just lost her job recently and her parents been having a little problem with some medical bills and the way I was thinking was maybe I could get a job and begin helping her family but the problem is here and its the way she is taking it and she has been crying all night long and I tried to talk to her but for a man I know its maybe stupid to cry but listen I love her so much that she made me cry over the phone for her and I keep telling her not to worry about this and she keeps telling me she can't stop thinking about this or she can't stop crying and to be honest I don't know what to do and its really driving me crazy to the point that I wanted to sell my car and give them the money. Please tell me what to do and whatís right.

Dear Confused Love,

It is wonderful that you are so sensitive to your girlfriend's plight, but don't be a sucker. Unless your girlfriend is disabled, she should be out looking for a new job and not crying. Crying doesn't solve anyone's problems. These people are not your financial responsibility. You might offer to buy dinner here and there, or bring them a present that will help out, but don't start paying anyone's bills. Sell your car? No way. How will you feel if your relationship hits the skids in the future. Now maybe she's acting all this up, hoping you will volunteer to help. Do you need such a dependent woman? Or, those who look at the differences between men and women say that women tell men their problems, just wanting them to listen, while men feel as if they are expected to solve all problems thrown at them. Maybe she just wants to cry on your shoulder and you need to just sit still and listen.
ms. X



help

Dear msX ~
I love my boyfriend and he loves me. but when we kissed the other day I felt as if I could go all the way with him .I told him how I felt and he said he feels the same way .he said he doesn't want to lose his virginity till he is married .but he wouldn't mind losing it with me and I wouldn't mind losing it with him too. is this bad ? What should I do?
truly confused

Dear Help,
I don't think it is bad that you have these feelings, but I think you need to respect his wishes and not act on them. Sometimes a long and slow courtship breeds a stronger love than a flash-of-lightening-in-the-groin passion. Time will tell if you have the real thing. Be patient, there's a lot of distance between fourteen and married, one hopes.
ms. X

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