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THIS MONTHS DILEMMAS ~ O C T O B E R '99x page 5

 
Dear msX
Ok, I went to this party a while ago with my friend James who is 18. I'm only 14. I didn't drink or do the drugs they were handing out. I just had a pop. That's all I can remember of the night. I woke up the next day in an upstairs room naked. I freaked, I didn't know what to do. I didn't tell a soul. After I miss three periods I went to this place that give free pregnancy test and found out I was pregnant. I'm now 7 months pregnant and I'm scared of what is going to happen when I have my baby. My parents always told me if I ever got pregnant that I would have to give the baby up or I would have to move out. I don't want to give up my baby, but I can't support myself and a baby alone. What do I do? I'm a straight A student, I don't want to mess up everything. I have never done anything bad in my life. Please help me.
Sincerely In need of help

Dear Pregnant
,
You have to tell a grownup.
Immediately. You need to be under medical care for your own sake and for the sake of the baby. Your parents probably will be shocked, but don't go by what they said when the situation was still hypothetical. Whether you keep the baby or not, you need to get prenatal care, so that is the first imperative on your list. You may well have been drugged at that party It's a shame, but at parties you have to have a sealed bottle or can, and you can't pick it up once it's out of your sight for long for fear someone may have fooled with it. No paranoia, but isn't it better not to take chances? An older girl might have already known that. And, it would have been smarter if you would have spoken up at the time. Never be ashamed to find a grownup you can trust and tell. Just tell them the truth. Hiding it is not helping the situation at all and the sooner your parents get over the shock, the sooner you guys can decide what steps you need to take. Fourteen is much too young to make these kind of decisions without guidance. "A" students get pregnant, too. These things happen. Handling the situation is really where you're going to have to show what you're made of and how mature you are. This baby is not something that belongs to you. It will be living human being with the right to a safe and loving childhood. The right to grow up with a mother who will put first the needs of her child. S/he will not stay little and cuddly and cute forever either. S/he will have colic and teething and nightmares and diarrhea when s/he's little. And tantrums and mood swings and fevers and lice and dental bills when s/he's a little older. Are you ready for all this? Yes, being a mother is a miraculous thing and, for that reason, it should be entered into with serious intent. No do overs once you decide, so you're going to have a to make a choice you can live with. I wish you luck and urge you to tell your parents immediately. If you can't do it directly, ask a counselor or a doctor to talk to them for you. But, do it now.
msX



Dear msX
I have a friend and she is dating a twin. I want to hook up with the twin she's not dating. But he (her boyfriend) always accuses her of liking the boy that I like. She always tells him she doesn't like him but he still thinks that since they are twins she likes his brother too. What are we suppose to do? Is he insecure about himself or does it seem like he envies his bro? Thanks for all the help please help us!!

Dear Twins,
I don't see where this is your problem. What happens between you and the twin brother is no one's business. What goes on between your girlfriend and her boyfriend is none of yours. And, the dynamics of these brothers personal relationship is between them and not open for your analysis. By involving all these players in your love life, you create more problems than there are. If you want to hook up with the brother, do so as you would with any other fellow that was not brother to your best friend's boyfriend. Let everyone work out their own relationships, if need be, but keep out of it. I know it can be a lot of fun to gossip with your best friend about your boyfriend. But, in this situation, confidences are bound to be broken and feelings hurt. Someone's going to say something, seemingly innocent most likely, that will get back to another member of this foursome and cause World War III. If you are serious about pursuing a friendship with this boy, leave your friend and his brother out of it.
msX


Dear msX
Ok I'm in high school now and a lot of my friends have been doing stuff with guys for a while now. The furthest I have gone was making out with a guy. I don't want to give a guy oral sex, or a "hand job", b/c I don't know how. I am afraid I am going to mess up. Can you please help me on what to do so when the chance comes, I'm prepared and won't make the biggest fool of myself? thanks

Dear Biggest Fool,
The heat of passion is a teaching moment. If you are in tune with your partner, you won't need lessons. However, if you are merely servicing some horny teenage specimen, then don't worry. He will show you exactly what to do. It will be just like masturbating, only you will replace his hand. So don't worry about looking like a fool. Worry about being utilized as a tool.
msX


Dear msX
Hi, I'm in 7th grade, and I have a guy problem. I have a boyfriend who's in 6th grade, or at least I think he's my boyfriend. I mean we aren't going out or anything, but he still considers me his girlfriend. We are in different schools, so I don't see him that much anymore. at school, there are rumors going around that this other guy likes me. and to tell the truth, I like him too. If Iím not going out with the first guy, is it cheating to go out with the second? is the first guy even my boyfriend? I don't know what to do, HELP!!!

Dear Is he?
If you don't know, he's not. Here again is the case of actions speaking louder than words. Anyone can say he's your boyfriend, even he himself, but unless it's backed up by some action, it just isn't so. You'd know if you were going out with someone, simply because you'd be going out. Seventh grade romances don't last particularly long any way. Maybe you were going out and you blinked and missed it.
msX


Dear msX
Is it possible remain in love for all the life with own partner?

Dear Meetings,
I've asked myself the same question many times. This is what I think. Every person in this world has a soulmate. If you are lucky enough to find that person and hold onto him or her, then you have a wonderful chance of enjoying a lifetime together. The trick is to choose carefully and make sure that the person you are marrying is someone you will want to be with forever and can see raising children with, if that's your intention. When you settle on a mate because you think you'll never find another or that it's the right time of your life to marry, then you can be assured you will have problems down the line. When things are wrong at the beginning of a relationship, then usually don't go away...no, they magnify with the years gone by. Choose your mate carefully. Pick someone with humor and kindness, intelligence and character, someone who makes your knees weak and your heart flutter, but also someone you will like and respect in years to come when passion might detour. Difficult mission? Of course, it is. But, choosing a mate with discrimination and care can only pay huge dividends in future happiness.
Good luck,
msX


Dear msX
How can you tell if my boyfriend is cheating on me, or if he's telling the truth."

Dear My Boyfriend,
I am a great believer in trusting your intuitions. Unless you are insecure or paranoid, if you think he's cheating, then you are probably correct. If nothing he says adds up to the truth and you have reason to doubt him, then I suggest you cut your losses and believe what your intuitions are telling you.
msX


Dear msX
How can I get this girl to like me?

Dear How?
Just be yourself, but at the same time, be interested and respectful. Learn to flirt with confidence (pretend your acting the part and it will become natural with practice). Don't be crude or lecherous or pushy. Learn to compliment with sincerity and make eye contact during conversation. If you have a talent, cultivate it. It will make people want to know you. Be kind to everyone -- it is a very sexy quality in a man. Hope this helps.
msX


Dear msX
I want to go farther with my boyfriend but I don't know how to tell him with body language? Or should I just talk to him about it?

Dear Farther,
That depends upon how much farther you want to go. Will you need protection? What will escalating your relationship mean to each of you? Are you on the same wavelength? I'd, personally, talk to him if I was considering taking major steps, just so we both knew what expectations were coming into play with our increased intimacy. Before you start talking with your body, you have to talk with your head. See if he wants what you want. Let him know your limits beforehand. Don't expect him to be a mind reader. And, be prepared for the fact that he might not be ready to go any farther with you.
msX


Dear msX
In the past year I've gotten myself a bad rep.(as a slut) I have slept around and now I want to change my rep. Can you give me some tips on changing my rep.

Dear Rep,
If you've stopped sleeping around and find you're still being judged by your past, maybe you should look into switching schools. If you sincerely want a fresh start, sometimes it is better done on a new territory where there are no witnesses to your slut days. This has worked for lots of people who worked out their stuff, but found others would not accept them as changed. Sad thing about human nature -- people like being judgmental...it enables them to feel good about themselves, superior. Many people are not going to let you forget your past because they need to hold onto it to feel good about themselves. Often it is easier to walk away from them than allow them to stick a permanent label on you. If it's a possibility, change schools. Otherwise, know that you have to prove you have changed by your actions. Dressing more conservatively might send a big message to some. Living the life you want and following your own path regardless of what people think takes alot of strength. Make it your mission to reclaim your reputation and leave your detractors in the dust. You can do it.
msX


Dear msX
I really like this guy I met along time ago....but, he lives about 30 minutes away from me and I never see him. All I want to do is talk to him and sort our problems out

Dear Guys,
I guess until you or he drive or have access to other transportation, you're just going to have to settle for alternate communications, like telephone and e-mail. Writing paper letters, too, can be most romantic. If you say you have problems, then reconsider the relationship. While no relationship is problem-free, you shouldn't have to work so hard at the beginning of a relationship.
msX


Dear msX
Okay. Me and my bf have been together for almost a year. We work in the same place and get along fine. But now one of my exes works with us and my bf hates him with a passion because he used to stalk me. Iím afraid that my current bf and my ex are going to get into it because of their hate for each other. Also my bf gets jealous about the ex really easy, so how do I keep my distance and keep my bf from getting into a fight? Please help before itís too late.
Signed, In the Middle

Dear In The Middle,

Are you sure you're not feeding the fire by telling your present boyfriend stories about your old flame? If he's still stalking you, get help from an outside source, not your boyfriend, like the police. If it's over, don't mention it. Get yourself out of the middle by not putting yourself there. Give it no attention and it might just go away. Otherwise someone's going to have to find a new job. My best guess would be you.
msX


Dear msX
I'm not sure what to do about this. I'm recently divorced from my wife and have moved nearby to a cousin of mine. She's actually a second-cousin. Although we weren't close growing up, we have now become very good friends. She is also single and has helped me tremendously by taking me out, meeting new people and distracting me from my heartache when I was going through it.

Meeting women to date hasn't been easy. It's a new world for me again. I'm healed from the pain of the separation, but honestly haven't had any sexual relationship in almost 2 years (I know it sounds crazy). But now I'm feeling "those needs."

My cousin is a lot of fun and she's an extremely sexy and sexual woman. After getting to know her, she's definitely the type of woman I could see myself dating. She confides in me of her "escapades" and I'd have to describe her as being a very open person. She doesn't sleep around, but she has fun.

Once in a while (and I think as a joke,) other people will make references to the fact that we "legally" could be together since we're only second cousins and we do spend a lot of time together now. And we've made some very underlined jokes about it, trying to pretend that we think it's a funny idea, but not possible.

Yes, there has also been some minor, underline flirting going on - and there have been situations when we've been alone together where if it was someone else, making a move would have been a very natural thing (you know, like when you're having a close, intimate conversation, and you could start making out with someone.)

Without turning this into a "Letter to Penthouse" I'm wondering what to do. I find that we spend a lot of time together, almost like we were a couple, and that more and more there are situations that most cousins wouldn't find themselves in or talking about things that most cousins wouldn't talk about.

I'm fantasizing way too much about her sexually and have considered confessing to her that, well, I need sex, and that since she seems pretty open, maybe she'd consider just doing it with me?

I'm afraid that one of these nights I'll make a move and find myself in an extremely embarrassing situation (yes, we often go out drinking together, getting "tipsy"). Or should I be subtle and tell her something like "I think you're really sexy and I wish you weren't my cousin" and leave it at that. I mean, I honestly think she'd...go for it.

I know I sound like just another horny guy who has no morals, but those thoughts are getting too strong, the situations more frequent, and I just need some advice.
Confused Cousin

Dear Cousin,

The taboos against incest were perpetrated for good reason...to prevent inbreeding which weakens the species and to avoid the possible alteration of family structure that sexual intimacy between family members can cause. This woman is your second cousin. In my personal book, it's not the big deal you're making it out to be. I've heard of first cousins that have married, and, in fact, many cultures promote relationships between distant cousins just to keep the culture intact. While that is not the case in your scenario, I presume that you don't want to have children with your cousin and that you genuinely like her company. So put some clues out there and see what her response is. If she's not interested, she'll be gentle and nothing ventured, nothing gained. But, understand that if you do engage in a relationship with your cousin, whether it works out or not, you'll still have to see her at times in the future under family circumstances. Do you want this if there's any awkwardness in the future? Are you prepared to tell all the inevitable nosey-bodies to mind their own business when the time comes and you two go public with your feelings? Think about all this and then make your move. And, don't do it when you're drinking to try to blame it on the alcohol. You'll be insulting the woman you want to bed with a message that you wouldn't come onto her unless you were really potted. Better you should be straight and sober...she'll be much more flattered.
msX


Dear msX
I am the one who asked you about the age thing. we did not plan on becoming bf and gf it kind of just happened. But we are very realistic about the age thing yes it causes some problems but nothing major. He does not try to control me nor me him. He is really sweet and I hope that we make it. I would like to give him the chance to be the dad his ex wife will not let him be.

Dear Age Matters,
I only wanted to point out the possible potential pitfalls of a big age difference at this point in your life. This doesn't mean you can't be the exception to the rule. It's always good to enter a relationship with eyes open and the air clear. I wish you happiness with your fellow.
msX


Dear msX
As before I decided to go for that guy and I asked him for his number and he said not right now. I donít know if he was in a hurry or he just didnít want to give it to me. What is your advice on that

Dear Confused,
I'd wait a while and then ask again. If I got the brush-off, I'd stop asking and assume he's not available for me for whatever reason. Maybe he has a girlfriend. Maybe he's legitimately busy. But, I'd not push myself on him.
msX



Dear msX
All my friends can talk about is boys. I am the only one without a boyfriend and I'm ready to change that. The only problem is, My mom would not be too happy if she found I was going out, plus I'm too shy to ask anyone out. Help!

Dear Without a Boyfriend,
Be patient. Don't rush out a get a boyfriend just because everyone else is going it. Operate on your own timetable and your parents. There is something about a first boyfriend that should be special and based on a real attraction and mutual crush, not just choosing a boy out of the available bodies. Your mom is right. You will have loads of boyfriends in your future. Wait a little longer and find someone you truly like.
msX


Dear msX
Hey! Me and My boyfriend have been together for a little over a year and a half. we've been through so much stuff, but every time something bad happens, we always work it out. We love each other so much. Well, lately, we've been having a lot of problems. He's been ignoring me and we've been fussing alot. Well, one of my friends gave me affection and made me feel special for once in a while and I ended up cheating on my boyfriend. I was honest about it and I told him what happened and why I did it. He said that he understood, but we broke up. I love him so much and I know he still loves me. I want him back so bad, but I think I really hurt him and I'm so afraid that I lost him for good. What should I do? How can I get him back. Please help me!!!
Broken-Hearted

Dear Boyfriend Blues,

Actions have consequences. Your breakup is a result of your cheating, your telling him about it, or both. Are you surprised? What did you think would happen? Anyway, the reality is that your boyfriend and you seemed to spend lots of time fighting before you cheating. These patterns don't usually disappear. My guess is the relationship is better over.
msX


Dear msX
My mother, and I just donít talk anymore, all she does is watch TV. and fuss all day. Well I like boys and want to have sex with them I am only fourteen, my mom wont allow any boys to call me yet. You see she donít trust me, a year ago I hid a boy under my bed and guess who found him, I did a few more things that I should not have , but how can I gain her trust back, and start talking again,
signed confused

Dear Not Talking to Mother,

The only way you're going to gain your mother's trust is to behave in an honorable manner. Obey her rules and treat her with respect. Show her you are growing up into new privileges and responsibilities. Obviously, you've given her much reason not to trust you and plenty of reason to worry. Worrying is not fun. Give mom a little joy by making her proud of you and I'll bet she'll be a lot easier to live with. If what you want is more freedom, then earn it. Otherwise stop your bitching and wait until you're really old enough to play with boys.
msX
 

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