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THIS MONTHS DILEMMAS ~ O C T O B E R '99x page 4

 
Dear msX
When ever I see a girl getting pick on I go over to the there and beat that boy up. How can I learn to control my anger?

Dear Angry,
It is very chivalrous of you to defend others, but there are other ways to do it. You can use words to knock a bully down to size, sarcasm is a terrific anger-releaser. Talk to a counselor. You may have the right intentions, but you're beating on people is only going to cause you trouble. When you're out of control, go to the gym, run a couple of miles, hit a punching bag, lift weights. If you work on developing your physique, all any will have to do is look at you and they will back down. You'll never have to even throw a punch if you can scare them with the look of your biceps. Write down your anger and then, when you get all those feelings down on paper, rip it up. The trick is to express it in ways that don't hurt others or yourself. Do it!
msX



Dear msX
I just had a break up with my boyfriend of 7 months. He was a great boyfriend and all...but after 7 months I got tired of not being able to see him as much as I wanted too. Plus I wanted to be with other people. We decided to take a break from each other. I wanted him back so bad! But, he told me he still needed time. Now I am having a great time with the single life ..and I don't want him back! He wants to get back with me. I feel I have gave him to much time. Plus I talk to all of his friends online. I have fallen for one of his best friends . His friend likes me too. I just need some help of tell my ex. how I feel. Thank you!
Serene

Dear Likes my Ex's Best Bud,

Sounds like you want him to think warmly of you after you dump him for this best friend. I'm not so sure that is a possibility. If you want to break up with him, do it. If you want to date his friend, go ahead. Just don't expect him to think kindly of you, unless he's a saint. Tell him sooner, rather than later. It'll give him a little more time to get over you and the longer you wait, the sneakier you're going to look.
msX

Dear msX
I have a problem. I am grounded and I need to know the exact definition for grounding.
Love,
Grounded

Dear Grounded,

Grounded means different things in different families. Generally, grounded means you are banned from having a social life. Not sure if that includes telephone privileges, too. But to make sure, I suggest you clarify with your parents so that there are not any misunderstandings.
msX


Dear msX
I have this guy that I really like. He and I are always calling each other. We know and understand each others feelings. He is the first guy that has ever understood me besides my father. Then again my father and I barely get to talk.(about life and the things my guy and I talk about) Well, the problem is, my guy lives in Chicago and I live in Dekalb. Thats about 2 hours away. The other problem is he said that he didn't like me like that because I'm too fat. I am 5'7 and weigh 168 lbs. I really want this guy to like me. I like him a lot. What should I do ??

Dear Boy Problems,
Sounds to me that you have a nice friendship with this guy. That's a nice foundation to start with, but you can't change his very shallow statement that he can't like you because of your size. You can lose weight. You can start a walking, dance, or exercise program and learn to eat more sensibly. And, when you see him next, he might be very pleasantly surprised. They say it's never a good idea to lose weight for someone else...you have to do it for yourself. It doesn't sound like you have all that much weight to lose anyway, so maybe you can use him as your motivation and get started. You might find that lots of other boys want your company once you get moving out there. Walking or running is wonderful for your head as well -- a little walkman and a couple of miles gives you private time to collect yourself, daydream, and plan. I bet he'll be surprised the next time you see each other.
Good luck, hon,

msX



Dear msX
I am 17 (almost 18 12/13/81) my bf is 28( just turned) Everyone that knows about our age diff says it will never last. We are really good for each other. We complement each other what I am lacking in he is strong. We make each other happy and treat each other very well. we go out and have clean honest fun. He makes me feel like I am alive. We have slept together once it was great. so my question is does age matter?

Dear Age Matters,
Age only matters if you're under eighteen. You're almost there, but because this relationship began when you were still a minor, I have questions about why a grownup man is looking at jailbait. Maybe he can't cut it with people his own age? Maybe he wants to dominate someone who feels subordinate to him because of her youth. Or, maybe not. There are tons of couples together with age differences bigger than yours. Just be sure it's for real.
msX



Dear msX
My name is Christina I am in my second year of college I have been dating this guy Chris since last year's winter break. Just recently I went through his email and found that he was cheating on me and professing his love to another girl. I waited a while and then I confronted him and handed him the emails he denied it and denied it until finally he broke down and cried and admitted it. He listened to everything I had to say. I told him that I don't trust him and I don't forgive him he said that when I was ready, I knew his number. I miss him so much but Iím sticking to my guns and I haven't talked to him. What should I do I love him so much but Iím so hurt and I can't forget this. Should I ever be with him again? Also I was talking with his friend and his friend said that he felt sorry for me and that Chris is not a trustworthy guy so know I feel that he'll just do it again if I take him back what should I do?
thank you sincerely Christina

Dear Christina,
You sound like a mature and sensible girl. And you don't have to read between the lines to see what his friend is telling you...if that's what he's alluding to, I imagine the reality is even worse. Give yourself some time to fall out of love with him or at least distance yourself from him. See if, in time, life doesn't improve without him. No waiting around, go out, have fun, start your single life back up. If later on down the road, you two reconnect, so be it. But, you are right not to trust him and if you give in, he's going to know that he can get away with it again with the proper apologies and contrition. If you're hoping to get back together, you must make it abundantly clear through your actions that you will not tolerate cheating and that you can easily have a life without him. Be strong...it can only work out well for you. Either he will get this message and reform, or, you'll find the space taken up by him better filled with other people and activities.
Good luck,
msX


Dear msX
My bf is cheating on me what should I do

Dear Cheated On,
What do you think you should do? Confront him? Is that going to change anything? Stay with him and suffer silently? He might bring home a sexually transmitted disease to share with you then. Besides, what does that say about his respect for you? Leave him? You have a chance for a fresh start with someone who treats you well and respects you. The choice is yours.
msX



Dear msX
Hi, there is this guy I have a huge crush on. We have known each other for about 3yrs through our parents. Since September he has been in my school. I can't stop thinking about him. it's worse now that he is in the same school. I see him everywhere I go and also he is in the same grade as me which is in the same corridor. I don't know what to do and how to get the courage to go up to him and say hi. both of us have one friend in common but I don't know if I could trust him with this. please help

Dear What Should I Do?
It seems that I am getting a lot of mail with the same or a similar theme, that is, how can I get his attention or make him like me without embarrassing myself if he doesn't? When I am faced with similar situations, I usually ask myself, "What is the worst possible thing that could happen if you put myself out there and make the first move?" Any man worth knowing is not going to make a public spectacle of you whether he's interested or not. He has his own reputation and social conscience to deal with. Do you think he's going to get a megaphone and announce his rejection to the masses? (Isn't that something girls do among themselves anyway when they turn a guy down? Guys are usually more circumspect, I believe.) So, what are you afraid of? Males in our still-traditional society have the burden of making the first move where girls are concerned. It is not easy and it takes a while for younger men to get practiced at putting their egos out there to be very possibly pummeled when they ask a girl out. Not every guy is adept at reading a girl's signals either -- that takes practice, too. And, they shouldn't have to, either, take all the risk. If a girl wants to play in the social arena, shouldn't she be expected to at least volley a few back and maybe make a few serves of her own. Waiting for a fellow to read your mind and ask you out isn't playing fairly, is it? If you want to know so badly where you stand with this guy, take some initiative yourself.
msX



Dear msX
I started dating a guy this summer. I just turned 17 and he's 20. My parents didn't like him from the start. Then they read some e-mail that bothered them so then my jerk step-dad recorded my telephone conversations and found out I was having sex. Now I've been told I can't even speak to him anymore. I don't think anybody should be able to say who I can see or what I do with them. HELP!

Dear One with Nutty Parents,
Theoretically, your parents are still in control until you are eighteen. They don't have to allow you so see this guy. They may have very good reasons for not liking him or they may be being arbitrary. Finding out that your daughter is sexually-active is a mind-blower under the best of circumstances, even though most grownups accept that it was bound to happen. They just want it to have happened under the most optimum and loving of circumstances, not with someone they consider questionable for whatever their reasons be. But, as far as the law goes, they are still in charge. Sorry, but on paper, they are in control. You're going to be eighteen in eleven months, at which time, if this fellow still means the world to you, you can announce to the planets that you are a couple. But, for now, if you want to continue your romance after weighing what your parents have said to you and their reasons for not liking him, then I suggest you keep a very low profile and not flaunt your relationship in their faces. Arguing the point with them is not going to help your case. If he's still in your life when you're eighteen, then you can open your mouth for discussion.
msX



Dear msX
My boyfriend & I were best friends in 6th grade. Now we have been going out for about 2 months, and his ex-girlfriend keeps on writing him notes that say how much she loves him. She even said I love you so much more than she does. She always flirts with him and gives him rides. I don't know whether to tell her about it or let it go. Please help me.

Dear My boyfriend's Ex,
I don't think you have to tell her about it, she already knows what she is doing. It's a free country and there's nothing you can do, except hope that your boyfriend acts appropriately. You are too young to claim ownership of another person. This stuff is all part of the drama of growing up. Ignore her. If you're secure in how you present yourself, you will look so much better to your boyfriend. The other alternative is to look like you're out of control and that is not a very attractive picture, is it?
msX



Dear msX
My Best friend is male and I am female. We have been talking about getting together as a couple over 1 year ago. He has a girlfriend that he constantly says he doesn't like, but my feelings are hurt when I see them together. Should I find me a boyfriend or tell him to make up his mind? We also tell each other "I love You" each night before getting off the phone. I mean it, but the heartache is just too much for me to bear anymore. Please help!

Dear Best Friend,
Sometimes it takes time for a relationship to metamorphosize from friendship to romance. He obviously thinks of you as a friend and unless you want to be his friend when his next girlfriend comes along, you have to talk to him about how you're feeling. Tell him that you've come to feel more for him and want to move toward a different kind of relationship with him. See what happens. He cannot read your mind, you know.
msX



Dear msX
My boyfriend just broke up with me and he wants us to be friends.. We're doing a good job of just being friends, I mean thereís no tension really or anything but I still like him and I think he still likes me too but I don't know what to do. I really want him back but Iím so confused about what to do.. He dumped me b/c he wanted more free time and b/c he was sick of his title being Dee's boyfriend' instead of John. .I want to get back together with him but Im not sure how to go about it. please please help!

Dear Dee,
If I were you, I'd give it some time. Let him do what he's asked and still be a gracious friend to him. Don't nudge or interrogate or over-analyze or belabor your breakup. Just wait. While you're waiting, have fun. Do your best, look your best. Don't mope around miserably. Play with your friends, party, go on with your life. That way when he's ready to return, you still look like an attractive package to him ~ a girl with a life of her own, not some whiney, clingy, sad-eyed ball of depression. By then, though, you might have someone else on your mind.
msX



Dear msX
I have a crush problem. I like this kid named Colin. All of my friends say I should ask him out, and that he likes me and stuff like that. But I'm afraid that if I ask him out and he says no, I won't know how to act around him. What should I do????? Help?

Dear Love Help,
Grow up! First of all, don't ask all your friends what to do, unless you want to have a communal relationship with him, you, and the rest of the school, hon. Secondly, you're afraid? Of what? How do you think boys feel every time they have the job of asking a girl out? Get over it. You just act normal if he says no...it's not like he's going to take an ad out in the school newspaper, is he? You're the one that's telling everyone your business, not him.
msX


Dear msX
There is this guy I meet 3yrs ago through my parents we have never talked because we're both really shy in September he moved in to the same school as me. I was never able to stop thinking about him so I would die for the week end because I would find out where he would be hanging out. or sometimes I would be waiting in excitement for a party that I know he would be at. now that he is in the same school same grade I see him everyday unless he or I is absent for school. now I think about him twenty four seven I just can not stop I think Iím going crazy. I don't know how to get the courage to go up to him and start a conversation. both of us have one friend in common but I don't know if I could trust him with this. I really need your help.

Dear Eva,
Once again, how do you girls think boys handle having to have the burden of always making the first move? I think a little initiative would be welcome by the guys, maybe some would even be flattered to be the pursued rather than always the pursuer. You, Eva, already have a history with this guy, so it's not like you never talk to him. Just talk to him. He's not going to embarrass you if you have people in common. The worst thing he could say is that he's not interested and then, at least, you'd know to cut your losses.
msX


Dear msX
Where do I begin! I'm a teen in stress! I met this guy when I was in 7th grade(I'm now in 9th)and we hit it off BIG! We went out for about 2 weeks, then I dumped him, being the fool that I am, because I didnít think he was paying enough attention to me. I had met him through a friend, on the phone and we didnít go out long enough for him to see what I looked like. We didnít talk during the period when he was a freshman in high school, and I was an 8th grader, but now that I am in high school he knows what I look like, and he is talking to me now. IN FACT, we have made plans before for the weekend. He has a girlfriend, and they have been going out for about a year and a half now. But I really think he likes me!!!!!!! :( What do I do????? msX PLESE HELP ME OUT AS MUCH AS POSSIBLE. PLEASE!!! Thank you! :)

Dear I like him, but...
Is his girlfriend a friend of yours? Otherwise, I see no problem. You owe her nothing. In ninth grade, relationships don't have a very long duration anyway. And, that's between him and his girlfriend to work out. None of your business, unless your situation with him escalates and then you have a right to ask him about his intentions. Not tell. If you don't like his response, leave. He asked you out and you said yes. That's it for now. See where it goes from there before you imagine future problems.
msX



Dear msX
I can't find a boyfriend that I actually like
Laura

Laura,
Then by all means, wait. It will be worth it. Never settle. The right one will enter your life when you least expect it once you take getting a boyfriend off your "To Do" list.
msX

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