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THIS MONTHS DILEMMAS ~ O C T O B E R '99x page 3

 
Dear msX
I donít know what to do. I like this guy and he is in grade 7 and 13 years old. Iím in grade 8 and Iím also 13 years old. One of friends also likes him and asked him out. He said no so my problem is I donít want to get involved but before when I did not know she liked him I told a couple of people. I think he kind of likes me and I worried that affected his answer. And on top of that I think that one of the people that I told, told him. I donít want him or her to find out, and what if he asks me out and she finds out?

What should I do? Thanks for listening.


Dear To be Or Not To be,
Just feign indifference...say something like, "Oh that. That was weeks ago. I've moved on. Old news." Nonchalance is more attractive than panic, dear.
msX


Dear msX
Well I read the answers to my questions thanks for helping me out. Just to fill you in I'm Ruben's girlfriend. I was right about his sis best friend and him. When I seen it with my own eyes I decide that it was time to move on and not look back. It like now that I found out he keeps calling me. I told him that it was over for good and this time I plan on sticking by it. He keeps calling wanting to talk about me and him and Iíve already told him that it's over. I just wanted to say thanks for the advice. I'm going to keep your advice on my mind every time he calls. I'm going back to school and I do plan on bettering myself.
Thanks a million.


Dear Ruben's EX,
Your letter made my day! Keep us posted on your progress, hon. You are going to be some terrific woman one day!
msX



Dear msX
I like this guy and there are rumors that he likes me too. I am really frustrated and wanna know if he likes me back. How can I go about doing this? (I've tried to figure him out but he gives me mixed signals)

Dear Rumors,
Maybe he doesn't want to commit until he gets to know you. Be his friend and time will tell.
msX



Dear msX
I had a just devastating breakup my boyfriend and I dated for a long time we never did any thing next thing I know he has been seeing some one and he tells me its because I wouldnít put out well it wasnít because I didnít want to I thought about all the time I mean all the time I wanted to marry him I was taught guys only married good girls ha well to make it sh0rt I felt funny around my friends I started flirting more and more it made me feel alive I meet some older guy 10 years older heís very nice and understands everything & never, never made fun of me I liked him ok but new it couldnít go anywhere the first time we are alone he comes on strong made me feel well you know I wouldnít let him go all the way but a lot closer than I had ever been he didnít get mad just wanted me to come over the next night he kissed me hard and wouldnít stop I cried he put his arms around me and the next thing I know he got me down holding me and his roommate comes in from someplace and just helps himself I couldnít help my self when it was all over I felt well I donít know they made me feel normal I guess they didnít make fun they tried to make me ok that was a couple of mo ago I have been going over more &more I really like to but my girlfriend I tell every thing to wanted me to ask you if this feels ok means I am some you no what

Dear Not Sure,
If I understand what you're telling me, you were raped. Not all rape is done with force. It sounds like these two guys took advantage of your innocence and depression. The law would frown on what they did and might even put them in jail. It also sounds like there may have been drugs involved. This could be a very dangerous situation....are you using protection? It also sounds to me that the guy you were crying over is a verbal abuser. Calling names and making fun have no place in a romantic relationship. However, just because these guys didn't do that doesn't make them honorable. It is okay to enjoy sex, but it is not substitute for being loved for yourself. Maybe you need someone a little more mature than your friend to confide in, like a counselor or a parent.
msX



Dear msX
There is this guy that is sort of my friend, I like him but I donít think he notices that I do like him, even though a good friend of mine has told him that I do, I just donít think that he is noticing me!!!!!! I want him to notice me enough that he will like me. The way I found out that I had feelings for him was that after school one day, he gave me a hug, and ever since my friend has told him that I like him, He has barley even talked to me.

Pleeeeeeeease help me, I need to get advice, but I cant ask my friends.

Dear Help Me!!!
Do you fall for any boy who gives you a hug? You don't even know this guy. Loving someone from afar is a drag. If you really think he has potential, you must make a move to find out. Talk to him. It's the only way you'll know if you find him more than just a pretty face.
msX



Dear msX
I wrote to about the boy that doesn't want a girlfriend right Now! I can understand that but if I flirt with someone else he gets mad and leaves the room. So it's like he has control of me. Like where going out or something. But where not. Not even close. What should I do!!!!!

Help Me!!!!!!!!

Dear Boy Problems,
No one can control you without your permission. Even if he was your boyfriend that kind of possessive behavior spells trouble. Cross him off your list and move on.
msX



Dear msX
I found this website and I'm looking for advice. I don't want to post this but I REALLY need some help here. My problem is that I have two best friends, and they don't get it that I'm not as popular as they are. I'm never invited to parties, but I want to go to them. My friends are just like me, but they're more popular. It bothers me that they don't pay attention to me at dances and ice skating nights. They think I'm calling them bad friends, but really they just misunderstood. No one really likes me, and I'm always fighting with both of them. They gang-up on me in a way like they're both on each other's side and just yell at me. I have no one to back m up and I have a small class, but there's no one to make new friends with really. It's out last year together in the same school and I don't want to lose them as best friends. One of them seems to be slipping away, but I can't see that happen, she's been best friends with me longer than the other one. I find myself more and more depressed everyday because we fight so much. One of my best friends has more than one clique, and the other one is liked by EVERYONE. I'm the black sheep here, it's not too pleasant.


Dear Popular My Foot,
Who's popular in junior high is not necessarily who's popular in high school. Things often turn around. Popularity is heavily over-rated. If you're fighting with your friends, maybe it's your own insecurity that is driving the wedge between you. It is not fun to be with someone who puts themself down all the time. Lighten up instead of worrying about who's in the spotlight. You will have your own fifteen minutes of fame.
msX



Dear msX
I have been having these dreams where I'll never find true love. Everybody says that I am so pretty but if I'm so pretty then why don't guys want to be with me? I admit Iím a cowgirl and a big tomboy. What do I do?"

Dear Lonely,
Give it some time. Guys grow up slower than girls. Why are you in such a rush? I assure you there will be plenty of guys in your future. Just relax and take your time growing up.
msX



Dear msX
Hi, I can't stand my parents anymore. They don't understand me and just plain don't like me. They are making my life horrible and my sister and brothers life horrible because of our constant fighting. I heard about Emancipation of Teens. Can you tell me what this is exactly and what the process of this is?

Dear Wants Emancipation,
I can't tell if your situation is bad or just normally trying teen/parent relations. The latter will get better. The former needs to be documented if you wish to be an emancipated minor. See a counselor at school and tell her what you told me. Emancipation is complicated and not something you can easily do. You must go to Family Court and petition the court. You will need witnesses and references and lots of proof that you will be better off without your parents. The judge could also decide that you don't belong with them, but are too immature to be emancipated, so you might wind up in a group home or foster care. This is not something to go into impulsively. Talk to a counselor who knows the rules re Child Welfare and Social Services.
Good luck,
msX



Dear msX
OK, my boyfriend of six months is awesome! But the only problem is he has a tendency to flirt with other girls(my friends)right in front of me! I donít know how to tell him to shape up. When I try to talk to him about this kind of stuff, he always denies it and tells me Iím over reacting.
Please Help!!!

Dear Flirting & Dating,
Some people are natural flirts. They flirt with the mailman, small children, and generally anyone they come in contact with. It means nothing. This is just part of their personality or charm, if you will. You can't change them. Other people flirt to massage their egos. They need to get a reaction to feel good about themselves. Or, they feel that anyone is fair game and are constantly checking out potential partners via flirting. I don't know which one your boyfriend is. You have to decide if he's flirting is just how he is or if he is playing social games on your time. But, don't fool yourself into thinking you can get anyone to shape up...it's got to come from within.
msX



Dear msX
Ok where do I begin? Well it started in May 99'. I met this guy in a job finding program and we became friends. After 2 weeks he got a job never to return again, it was the whole point of the program.

The first week I wasn't interested in him. I didn't think he was cute, & I wasn't attracted to him. I just thought of him as a friend. After the second week I knew was sensing the start of something. After he got his job and left I wrote him a note spilling the beans about me liking him.

He became a trucker, and was in/out of town all the time so I used the note angle instead of calling him. Anyway I called him a few times, got his machine & left messages. He never ever returned any of my calls. I made one last attempt to reach out to him by writing him one last note.. Telling him to think long & hard about how he felt, and decide what he wanted. I told him he'd never know what could happen between us if he doesn't give it a shot. I also told him to at least let me know what he decided.

A month later I told myself he probably wasn't interested or he would of made an effort to do something. I decided to give up on him. My heart wouldn't let go. I missed him everyday, Thought about him day & night and missed the friendship we had going. Now 2 months later, he called me out of the blue, eventually after a few missed phone calls we managed to talk to each other. It seemed as if those 2 1/2 months apart never happened it seemed like it we were sitting in class yesterday teasing each other about the latest joke.

We don't talk that often we call each other once every 2-3 weeks. We even got together once.. not a date thing we just hung out. My problem is.. I can't really tell what his intentions/feelings are regarding me. I don't know if he wants more than a friendship or if he just wants to be friends. Since the day we met we've had this teasing thing goofing back and forth and I don't know if the teasing thing is his way of flirting with me, or his way of being friendly. He hasn't really said anything real obvious, that would let me know he wants to be more than friends.

I don't know how to be with him I want to show my feelings for him, and be affectionate/loving when we talk to each other but I don't know if he'd find it too overwhelming or if he'd like it. How can I figure out if he wants to be more than friends without coming right out and asking? He knows exactly what I think/how I feel I've told him many times in the notes I often write and send him when were apart. I really want this thing between us to work out. He likes calling/talking to me and always has a good comeback when I tease him, laughs at all my lame jokes. We seem to fit, like two peas in a pod.

Our relationship from day one came so easy, natural and never forced or felt as if we were being nice to each other cuz we had to. I wish I could figure him out.. I want to share my feelings with him and its so hard trying not to say anything until I get him figured out. Help me!! I need major love advice..
Confused~in~Love

Dear Friendship or Love,
How do I say this? I may be wrong and it's just a feeling, but it sounds as if this guy might have another life from the way you describe it. Maybe it's winding itself down, but it sure sounds like he likes you alot, but is frozen as to taking the relationship to another level until he's sure or until he's out of his present relationship. You know you can't be insulted as you met under very innocent circumstances, but it is likely that this fellow is already involved elsewhere. Ask him what he does when he's not with you...or just be direct as in, "Do you have a girlfriend?" With all the communication going on between the two of you, it's time for a little honesty and directness. Even if I'm off-base about his private life before you, it couldn't hurt to put your cards on the table and ask the same of him.

Good luck,
msX



Dear msX
I'm 26 years old. I have a 19 years old girlfriend and we have been friend for more than one year. The problem is that I could not make love with her because she is always shy and she become nervous when I try to kiss her. She love me more than every thing as she usually tell me on the phone, but when it comes to bed her emotions are different. We love each other. She forced herself to kiss me many time but when I try to proceed and hold her by my arms, she starts to cry. She is really sorry and upset about that too but she does not know what to do. She told me that she is interested and willing to have love with me but she does not know what is stopping her.
WE ARE BOTH SUFFERING, PLEASE
HELP US AS SOON AS YOU RECIVE MY MESSAGE.

Dear Has a Pretty Girlfriend,
Maybe she needs more time. There is no calendar for intimacy and you're putting too much pressure on her to make love before she's ready. Maybe she needs to be married or engaged before she makes love. Or, maybe your technique needs to allow for the fact that she is a virgin. You say she forces herself to kiss you...maybe you are coming on too fast and too strong for her. Women need a bit more time to warm up for sex than men do. Slow and gentle works best. Women like to cuddle and kiss alot before sex. Try that. And reassure her that you will love and respect her regardless of what the outcome.
msX



Dear msX
Well I like this boy. We went out for a little but then broke up. I thought it was over but now he's been acting really sweet around me. is this a sign?? what should I do?

Dear Looking for a Sign,
A sign of what? Just because he's being nice to you, doesn't mean he wants to go steady with you. Maybe he's a smart boy and he doesn't want to burn any bridges yet. Maybe he was just well brought up. Don't read into the situation unless he clearly states that he wants to go out with you. That way, no one gets hurt or embarrassed. And, if he is testing the waters to see if a reunion is a possibility, then you'll know in time.
msX



Dear msX
Heís 17 and he cute. He's usually shy and Iím 14, my first question is 1, do you think hey may be too old for me? and 2, whatís a good way to draw his attention because I like him ALOT!!! please write back.
Thanks,
Megan

Dear There's This Guy,
You're right. Right now, he is too old for you. In another few years, it won't make a difference, but now it does for several reasons. A boy of seventeen is beginning to have different expectations of a relationship, expectations that shouldn't be placed upon a fourteen-year old. Two, he can get in a lot of trouble if he exercises these expectations. Three, you travel in very different worlds for now. Wait a few years and you will be all caught up to him.
msX



Dear msX
Hi, here's the story. A guy at my school liked my best friend, Christina all last year. He would always send her lovey stuff and he was totally obsessed with her. This year is kinda hard for her, he started liking this other girl named Liz but that was over really quick. He likes her again but she thinks she kinda likes him but she doesn't know. He always calls her or e-mails her asking if she likes him, but she can't make up her mind. As her best friend I want to help her, what should she/we do?

Dear My Friend,
Nothing. If she's not sure, he obviously isn't for her. She'd know if she were attracted to him. Just continue what she's doing and be his friend. Of course, be honest and up front with this boy. She should tell him she's not ready to make any sort of commitment.
msX



Dear msX
There is this girl at school and she has already received a love letter and read it but already has a boyfriend and said it just won't work.

PLEASE HELP

Dear Girl Problems,
Move on with your life. She's already said she has a boyfriend. Find someone new.
msX



Dear msX
I'm 14 years old. I really like this guy named Sunly. He is everything that I can ask for. I can't seem to talk to him. I always try to hide from him. Sure, when he says hi, I say hi, but is there any way to get him to start really talking with me. Many people in my old school say that he likes me, but I don't know.
Thank you!

Dear Likes Sunly,
Not if you keep hiding from him. It isn't easy for teenage boys always having to make the first move. If you really like this guy, then you might have to make the first move. Your hiding from him can't be seen as a welcome sign, can it? Just talk to him, like you'd talk to anyone else, and see what happens.
msX



Dear msX
Hi! My crush and I, we've used to dated for about a year. Well, more like just trying to get to know each other. We've always spends hours talking on the phone and sometime we would go out. Everything was so right I like him so much and he likes me too. But its just the fact that I have a guy best friend and he thinks that no girl can have a guy for best friend, unless they have something going on.

I explained to him already that we are strictly just best friend, no more then that. But I guess he doesn't buy it because I'm always with my best friend. One thing lead to another we stopped talking for half a year. During all this time I still feel the same about him. I never once stop thinking about him. I thought maybe he didn't feel that same. I was really sad for a period of time. Because those one year that we've spent together are so memorable. I think about it all the time.

We held so much memories together, I can't seem to let go of it.

For about almost a year I finally got the courage to move forward with my life. I finally met a new person who is so good to me. He's really a terrific guy, everything about our relationship is wonderful. My trouble is I've been with my boyfriend for half a year now. And now I found out that my crush likes me too. He wanted to be with me but my best friend had scared him away.

You have to understand this, its been all this time but I still feel the same for my crush. I would love to be with him, its what I've always wanted. Now I have a chance with him. But the problem is I have a boyfriend now and everything is so great between us. How can I explain it to him? I don't know what to tell my boyfriend, and I'm still crazy about my crush.

My crush has a girlfriend but since he found out that I still like him. He's willing to give up his relationship for the two of us. He told me how he felt about me from the beginning. He held all those thoughts back because he thought there weren't any chances for us. So basically the way how I feels about him, is how he feels about me. The problem is I don't want to break my boyfriend's heart. But my feelings for my crush is so strong. My crush said he'll wait for me, but he doesn't know that my boyfriend plans our futures together already. He's planning to married. What should I do? I want to do the right thing, please help me.

Dear Confused,
Let me get this straight...you're going to marry this guy to avoid hurting his feelings and give up the love of your life??? The other guy will get over you in time, don't fret that. But, if you really think that your crush is your one and only soul mate, then you owe it to everyone to see where it leads. Be honest with your boyfriend and call it quits for now so you can see if this other relationship is for real. If you don't, you'll always wonder what could have been. If you do, you might find out that without the excitement of being clandestine, the relationship has no sizzle. But, you'll never know unless you act honestly and quickly.
msX



Dear msX
Well, I am dating two guys from two different schools, but I am in love with only one of them. how do I tell the other one that maybe we should only be friends for a while until I am sure what I really want.

Dear Dating Two Guys,
The same way you told me, with honesty and sensitivity. Lying or avoiding the issue is only going to leave you looking bad and feeling guilty. Just be honest.
msX



Dear msX
My 14 year old cousin is in big trouble, and seems to be going downhill throughout the last year. Currently, she is in juvenile because she took Mom's car without her permission and drove very fast in her neighborhood.

Let me give you some background on her. She is adopted (though I don't think she knows). Her parents got divorced when she was 8-9. Her Dad is handicapped and lives in a different State as her Mom. Both parents are sort of old (60's). She's lived with Dad for most of her life, but because of her getting in trouble, Dad sent her to Mom's. However, Mom works all day and doesn't seem to care for her. Needless to say, Mom takes trips to other cities leaving my cousin at home on her own.

She's (my cousin) gotten drunk at home, one time so much that she ended up in the hospital. In addition, I think she's ran away about 10 times, the longest time was 10 days.

I'm double her age, but have never had any significant contact with her, plus I live very far away from her.

Tomorrow, my uncle is going to get her from juvenile and bring her to his home in another State. But I'm worried that she's is not going to stop. Are there any resources that you may know in a way of cleaning her physically (I think she may have drugs and alcohol in her system) and mentally/spiritually? My uncle being handicapped is a little helpless and I would like to hook her with somebody/organization that may be able to help her get through her confusions.

Sorry if this was tooooo long, but I hope you can help me.

thanks!

Dear Cousin,
This is the deal...tell your uncle that his daughter's school records will be forwarded to her new school. She must register for school at least until she is sixteen years old. It's the law. Her records should inform the school what kind of a handful she is, to some extent. Have your uncle talk to the school about guidance. They can direct him to the appropriate agencies. If she gets out of line, which you seem to expect, the school can do a PINS petition...that is, Person In Need of Supervision appeal. That translates into her becoming the responsibility of social services, maybe even removing her to a group home. Maybe the threat of it will keep her in line, or maybe you'll have to enforce it, but be strong because the girl is going to test all of you. Be tough, loving, and consistent.
Hang in there,
msX



Dear msX
I just started high school and 1 of my best boy friends is always talking' about how the world cries because he was born but when heís acting depressed heís really fun and cool, but sometimes when I get off the phone with him I feel like crying for him, what should I do??
questioned

Dear Friend of Depressed One,
This should be a wonderful time in your life, high school. But, it isn't always so. Nevertheless, there's only so much you can do for your friend without ruining your own high school for life. Misery loves company, they say, and he is bringing you down. Face it, being depressed in contagious. You can offer him a shoulder, but don't adopt his problems. Tell him to seek counseling if he can't find anything good in his life. If he's going to do something destructive to himself, by all means, inform an adult. But, don't let him ruin your entire high school experience. It may just be that he's one of those people who are at their happiest when they are being negative.
Have some fun,
msX



Dear msX
Hi. I'm a 14 year old girl who's sexually active. I really think that it's about time my boyfriend and I talk to our parents about it. We've been together a long time and we've had very serious conversations about sex. We both think that his mom knows and she only requests that we still respect each other. However, I'm the girl and the only one liable to get pregnant. I want to tell my mom, but I'm not sure if that's the right approach. I've spoken to a counselor and I got a few numbers to call to see if I could check a clinic out and see if they'll provide some sort of a contraceptive pill or substance for me... I really donít know what to do.
Can you help me? What's your advice?

Dear I think I should tell Mom,
You should. But I don't need a crystal ball to tell you that she's not going to be happy. Fourteen is too young to be playing such a grownup game. I admire that your seemingly mature attitude re respect and contraception, but still think that you are playing with fire. Even if he is the guy you want to spend the rest of your life with, having sex too early can cause you to miss out on many of the more delicious and thrilling aspects of coming of age. I personally don't believe fourteen year olds should go steady, much less have sex. Tell her and get yourself protected immediately. It is too late for you to go back and reclaim your virginity, but there is nothing that says you still have to take these risks with your life.
msX



Dear msX
My problem is that me and my bf have been together for almost 15 months and he wants to have sex. I want to have sex, too, but I know that he will tell his friend and I donít want everyone to know because my parents will kill me.
What should I do?
Thanks,
Angie

Dear Angie,
Sex is not something you should go into with doubts. If you think your fellow is going to tell his friend (who will obviously share this with others who will also feel the need to share your news...), then he's obviously not ready for a mature sexual relationship. Very likely your parents will find out, hopefully not because you get pregnant or catch something. There are consequences to having adult sex. If you're not ready to face them, then put your clothes back on.
Ms X



Dear msX
I have a crush on this boy named Josh. One time in art class one of my friends started saying really loudly that I like him and why am I blushing if I donít like him. I was getting very mad but when I called Josh he just said he knew my friend was just kidding. Thats not true. I have had a crush on him since 5th grade. What can I do to make him like me more in a unnoticeable way?"

Dear Crush on Josh,
Sounds like you already have a friendship with Josh and, since he hasn't noticed your deeper feelings, subtlety isn't working. All I can suggest is that, in the course of your friendship, find an opportunity to be direct. Of course, you can say it in a way that allows you both to use humor to save face should he not have any reciprocal feelings...something like, "If I were to have a crush on anyone, it would be someone like you..." or "Maybe she was right, maybe I do like you..." Then you can see if he takes the bait or simply keeps your interactions on the same plateau they've been on since fifth grade.
Gook luck,
msX

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