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THIS MONTHS DILEMMAS ~ O C T O B E R '99 xpage 1

 
Dear msX
Okay, so I met this guy this summer, and we really liked each other, and we still keep in touch, even though I live in Washington, and he lives in Wyoming! So, I don't know what to do. I can't get him out of my head, and with every letter, I miss him more and more. Will I ever see him again???

Dear Fate?
I'm no fortune-teller. Most long distance relationships fizzle over the logistics, but for the present, there is nothing sweeter than getting love letters from afar. You can phone, e-mail, and write, until you have the opportunity to see each other again or until one of you finds someone more geographically desirable. Take it one day at a time and don't give up your real life.
msX



Dear msX
Me and "my guy" have been together off and on for 4 years and counting. I am 17 and so is he. Well, at school we never talk. Most people do not even know that we know each other, we like it that way b/c we have the relationship w/o everyone seeing us as a couple all the time. Whenever we are together though he comes on to me and tries holding my hand or more. I always seem to go along with it too. He told me recently that he likes to go to parties and he waits till the girl is drunk and then he gets himself "played with". I know you are thinking..."dump the loser" but we have no commitment and I think I love him. Like a lifetime love. Four years and I always come back to the same weekend fling. Is it worth it or not??

Dear Fling or Not,
It is not for me to tell you to dump him. He could very well be someone in your future. But, it is up to you what you're going to tolerate in a relationship and I would be cautious because if he's being any degree of sexually active with other girls, he could be bringing you home a present you don't really want, like an STD. And, even if he's just "getting played with" now, you have no guarantees that it's not going to go farther the next time. Getting someone drunk in return for sexual favors is questionable in my book, but yours might be a different story. Often young people connect before they're ready to commit. They need time to sow their wild oats, whatever that may mean to each individual person. Maybe you need to examine your relationship, take a breather and a different perspective, and see if he's still what you want. Sow some oats yourself, maybe.
msX


Dear msX
I used to be best friends with 2 girls but we broke up (our friendship)now after a couple months we are becoming best friends again and I am so Happy!! But I missed a lot of stuff that happened in that period of time. And now feel VERY left out and I don't know what to do!?!? HELP!?!?!?!"

Dear Is Three Too Much,
Triangles are difficult in young girl friendships, sadly. But, you can rise above this by making a point to include both your friends and not to gang up against either one of them if the situation arises. Talking about how you feel so close to them, yet feel you missed some action could help. Girls your age tend to go two-against-one, but if you're open and sincere in your desire to be both girls' friend, then things could work out. Possessiveness, though, is a turn-off, even in friendship.
msX



Dear msX
Okay- to lay it all down flat, I'm 13 and my best friend is Lin-Z. I am constantly jealous of her. My mom says I shouldn't be - I have every thing I have ever wanted. But I can't help it. She's my age, we both like boys, play flute, have same friends. So I just did something really bad to Lin-Z to make her jealous of my boyfriend. Now I'm not allowed at Lin-Z's house anymore. What can I do now? I'll always be jealous of everyone else.

Dear Jealous,
You're thirteen and you're talking about how you'll always be???? Now is the time to adjust, kid, before that becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. Jealousy is an ugly emotion and you can help it. A sincere apology to Lin-Z and whoever else in her family that you offended might be a good start. Then spend a little time thinking about what it is you want that your friend has and try to cultivate that behavior in yourself. People who screw their best friends do not know the value of friendship. This is a lesson you would be smart to learn.
msX



Dear msX
I crushed on this guy for the longest time, thinking he would never go out with me. Eventually we became close, we hung out a little, then, he and I finally hooked up. We were together for a while, and, I fell in love with him, as he did for me. I know it was true love (and still is...). After a substantially long relationship, he broke up with me due to the fact that his parents thought that he spent too much time thinking about me, therefore not taking enough pride in the family. They also had the idea set in their minds that we were too sexual (which we weren't). I took the break-up really hard, but, he explained it to me, so I partly understood. He took it just as badly as I did.

The next weekend after our breakup, he came over to my house to celebrate his birthday, and we ended up making out on my couch.

For the first week, maybe two after our separation, he continued to tell me that he still loved me...

Then, about three weeks ago, we were at a friend's party, and, we were exceptionally close, as if nothing ever happened. We even kissed (on a dare, but it felt so real).

For the last month or so, he has not expressed his love for me, or his feelings, but last weekend, he got me a beautiful necklace for my birthday. A cross with a dove in the center.

As much as I know I should let him go, I can't. I know he still loves me. So much more leads me to thinking this, but these are the main facts, and I have taken enough of your time as it is. You can get the picture from just what I tell you. So what do I do?
Thanks!
~'N Luv

Dear 'N Luv,

Breaking up is a state of mind. No one has to know if you are or not. While I am not condoning lying to your parents, if you and Prince Charming are so in tune with each other, you'll settle for less for now. These stolen moments are better than none, no? If, in time, you two still feel so in tune with each other, then you'll have to come clean with his folks. Right now, they probably want to see him focus on school and not on love. Sound advice, especially if you two do have a future together, now is the time for you both to prepare for it. Give him the time (and take time yourself) for studies. Be content with knowing how he feels. Write, e-mail, when you can arrange to be together in a group, do it. If the relationship stands up, you'll be old enough to stand up to his parents soon enough. Good luck, kiddo, Sometimes parents do wrong stuff, but for right reasons,
msX



Dear msX
Here goes my "problem": Well, it's the old old, story. I'm EXTREMELY shy around some people, but I'm super CRAZY with my friends.
I am really funny, smart, nice, etc., and I'm pretty, but don't weigh oh, 76 lbs. like the popular seventh grade girls,(I weigh 2 lbs. less than what I should) and I have a HUGE crush on this boy, he was in my class last year, and we had casual, normal conversations (i.e. what's up, you ok?, etc) but I highly doubt he even knows I'm ALIVE! He's one of the sweetest boys in school, and he's cute, smart, with an awesome personality, just so AWESOME! And, (I think you were expecting this) he's, uh, popular...... But I don't care about stuff like that, I mean a person counts more than the person's popularity, and I think I wouldn't be so shy & nervous if he wasn't so way popular. Question is, how do I get over my terrible shyness, and, how do I get the nerve to talk to my cutie, and is there the possibility of him even considering liking me? (and, to add to the story, the BIG Halloween Dance is coming up.....) PLEASE HELP ME, my best friend has tried to help me with this, but she couldn't......
Signed,

Shy & In Love...:)

Dear Shy and In Love
,
Shyness is not a trait that works in a grownup. You should work on getting over it now before it causes you to miss out on life opportunities. All you have to do is think, "What's the worse that could happen if I ask him out?" He could say no, and if he does, so what? You might feel slightly uncomfortable for a minute or two. Most likely, so will he. But, if you don't, you will never know what the outcome might have been. So, are you going to pass up a chance at a happy situation to save yourself from a minute or two of awkward silence? I think not. Of course, it's a possibility that he will say yes, or if he can't because of some prior commitment, he will still look at you in a different light, maybe as a future prospect. What have you got to lose, except your silly shyness? This will be good practice for those grownup years when shyness is might be seen as social ineptitude or weakness.
msX



Dear msX
Someone I know is being charged with 1st degree Penetration. His kid said he sexually abused her. Did she have to be tested for them to convict him???
Susan737

Dear Susan 737
, I'm not familiar with the legalities of child abuse, but I do know that where there's smoke, in most cases, there is fire. Even if this guy is innocent, and that could be the case, his problems are the kind that follow one around for life. He needs a very good attorney, not Ms. X.
msX



Dear msX
Hi, I've been with the same guy for the past 7 months & I think I want to have sex with him but Iím not really sure. I know he wants to! I know how much he loves me & heís not in the relationship for a piece of butt. Iím 15 and heís 17. We go to the same school. He has been with me through the good & bad times. Please help!!

Dear Not Sure,
Personally I think fifteen is a bit young to commit one's virginity to a relationship. I'd wait. But, should you decide that you must, please get yourself protection both from pregnancy and STD's. If he's not there just for a piece of butt, how about you practice a safer form of sex until you're both ready to accept the consequences that intercourse could hold. That way, you can hold onto to your virginity just in case you change your mind about this guy. After all, seven months is not exactly as long courtship in the real world as it is in high school.
msX


Dear msX
I am 16 years old and I am confused on whether or not I am gay .Can you help me please?

Dear Confused,
First of all, a little sexual confusion is a normal part of many people's sexual awakening. And, even heterosexuals can admire a terrific body of the same sex without being homosexual. I don't know to what degree you are confused. Most gay people say they knew from their childhood that they were gay, even before they had the vocabulary to label the feelings. I am not sure what to suggest, because whatever sexual path you choose, it is only a very small part of yourself, even though now, at sixteen, it feels like the biggest issue in your life. Be patient, hon. The answer will make itself apparent in time.
msX



Dear msX
My "problem" is not about guys but involves this kinda habit Iíve picked up. Whenever I feel upset or defeated Iíll take out a carpet blade and make tiny cuts. Iím afraid to tell anyone. Theyíll think Iím stupid and I do it just to get attention or something. Iíve been doing it for almost a year and I canít stop and itís becoming more frequent. Whatís wrong with me?

Dear Not Average,
Self-mutilation is a serious problem. You need to, must, get yourself some help. Talking to a therapist or counselor will help you discover why you are so down on yourself and give you ways to feel better. Therapy is a wonderful gift to give to yourself...it does not mean you're crazy or bad, it just gives you someone to tell your private stuff to who is not involved in your life. I think that once you find a counselor who is simpatico with you, you will discover ways to feel good about yourself. Also, sweetie, just remember, you have a choice...you can focus on the negatives and hurt yourself in all sorts of ways, or you can choose to see the positives in life and be uplifted. Please find a professional grownup to talk to soon.
msX



Dear msX
First of all, thank you for taking the time to read this letter. Secondly there is this guy in my school, and we used to hate each other but he suddenly started being nice to me. Now I like him and I asked a mutual friend who is pretty close to us both if he liked me? and he said no and I asked her to ask him why he was suddenly being so nice to me and he said it was just because I was being nice to him. But he's being such a sweetie, how do I find out if he really does or doesn't like me and how do I make him notice me or like me if possible?
Thanx,
~Adina~ a.k.a. Deeni"

Dear Deeni,

Thanks for being so polite, hon. I would venture to guess that he does like you; however, there are different kinds of liking. Ditch the intermediary, but continue being your own sweet self. If he "likes you-likes you" as a potential girlfriend, in time, you'll know it. Rushing things and having your friends badger him on your behalf never really works as well as being natural. Even if everyone else in school is conducting their social life through intermediaries, you look much more attractive being your own representative. Not only that, but when friends get into the act, there is so much room for misinterpretation and misunderstanding.
Good luck,

msX




Dear msX
There's this guy in one of my classes and we look at each other and look away and the other day he was totally checking me out. I was just wondering if you think he likes me? And if I should ask him out? We have a dance coming up I was wondering if I should ask him to go with me? pleeeeeeease reply as soon as possible

Dear Very Observant,
He could very well like you. Or, maybe not. But, you are never going to find out if you don't take a chance and ask him.
Go for it,
msX



Dear msX
My problem that I have a boyfriend who says that he loves me but the big problem that he is happily married but he says that he couldn't help loving me and it's the same for me too. I can't stop loving him I know his wife and kids they are very nice all of them and I hate myself when I think that I am taking someone elseís husband. He is also not ready to do anything in our relationship so I don't want to lose him. I feel that I love him more than anything in my whole life. I am 25 years old and he is 32. Please tell me what to do especially that he sometimes stop to call me but then he call back and say that he is busy and I can do anything but believing him. Also my parents don't know anything about it because I just a bad thing here in my country that I love a married man they could kill me if they knew so the pressure on me is from every where. I don't know what to do. Please help me and answer my problem as soon as you can. Thanks for listening

Dear Urgent,
Listen to what you're saying...he says that he loves you but the big problem is that he is happily married. No, hon, the big problem is not that he's happily married, the problem is that he's a liar. He's lying to you and to his wife, and he's putting you in an impossible and dangerous situation. He's in heaven with his girlfriend on one side and his wife and family on the other. He ain't going nowhere, sweetie, life is too good for him as it is now. You deserve better. Someone who wouldn't want someone he loved to have to live with this kind of a lie. When his wife and your family find out, you will be even more unhappy, so end it now before you become the ultimate victim.
msX



Dear msX
OK, I am 15 (will be 16 in December) I am totally in love with this guy and we are talking about having sex. I want to but I am sooo afraid it will be painful. Do you have any advice? This is really serious.

Dear Unsure,
Wait until you can be totally sure. It might be two months...two years, whatever. There can be a little discomfort the first time, but it is no big deal if you're ready emotionally for a sexual relationship. Being afraid will make you tight and it will hurt more. It should be an important milestone in your growing up and there's no need to rush. There will come a time when you have no fear, only desire. When that time comes, please practice safe sex...there both enough teenage mothers and teens with AIDS in this world already. Whenever it happens, hon, I hope you're ready for it and because of that, it's wonderful.
msX

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