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THIS MONTHS DILEMMAS ~ S E P T E M B E R '99x page 2

 
Dear msX,
There is a girl that I am nuts about but she is dating a senior in high school and me and her are sophomores. Can you help me figure how I can get her to realize me


Dear Nuts About Her,
Every woman should have at least one male best friend.

That could even be your opening line, "If you won't go out with me, then will you let me be your best guy friend?" You've let her know in a cute way that you're interested, but if it isn't in the cards, then you still like her as a person and would like to be her friend. This is key...that you think so much of her, you'd like to be her friend even if it means you don't get to cop any feels. No pressure. A guy to talk to. To hang with. Without the pressure of a relationship. Be the best friend you can be without being suffocating or possessive. Don't give up your own life either, don't devote yourself to her because it will scare her. That's all I can advise, there are no guarantees.

Do this and see where it leads. Even if it doesn't turn into romance, it's okay because every guy should have at least one female best friend, no?
msX


Dear msX,
Thereís this girl I like. She is pretty but the problem is that she 13 and Iím 15 I try to talk to her but I chicken out because I think that asked her I think that she wouldnít like me or because I think she wouldnít go out with someone my age I donít no what to do or how to approach her.


Dear Chicken,
Are you too old for her or too young? Personally, I think you're both a little young for dating, but don't see why you can't initiate a friendship. She'll probably be flattered that an older fellow finds her interesting. But, don't put any moves on her until she's a little older. After all, she was probably just playing with her Barbies last year.

msX



Dear msX,
HI!!! I'm 11 years old and I need help! I found out we are having a dance for Halloween don't know if I want to go, but it's my first dance!! Will a boy ask me out or will I have to?? I'm shy and I'm not really in to boys yet, but I would like to have one .I just started middle school and I think I'm too young to go to a dance!!! Can you give me advice!!!!

Melanie
P.S. What do I do if a boy asks me!! HELP!!!"


Hi Melanie!
If the dance is during school hours, doesn't everyone go, whether they like it or not? If not, I think you have good instincts. You are really too, too young at eleven for a bring-a-date dance. Besides, as any older person will tell you, chances are you'd have a better time if you went stag and not tied to one guy.

Voice your concerns to your parents or a teacher and maybe they can assuage your fears. Chances are that you are making more of it than it is and it's really just a big school Halloween party in disguise. A school policy that encourages kids to grow up too fast seems very suspect to me.

Whatever you do, wear a costume that lets you look your best and have fun!

msX



Dear msX,
Hi I'm 15 years old. I'm looking for a very nice girl that I can go out with but I can't find a girl like that. They don't like me because I love professional wrestling and they it and thats why I can't get a girlfriend. please help me and please try to find a girl who can like me for who I am not for what I like.


Dear Eric,

You sound like a very together young man. In time, the girls will = realize this. I almost guarantee this.

But, if you feel that your being a wrestling fan is a turn-off, you don't have to talk about it until after you've gotten the preliminaries out of the way. You don't have to share it until you're sure you can trust the girl to like you for yourself, wrestling and all. There is no reason why you have to disclose every single fact about yourself at the very beginning, some things are better kept private. You'll get better at this as you get older. I guarantee that, too.

msX
P.S. We're not set-up to answer individual e-mails, Eric. Sorry


Dear msX,
I have a problem talking to a girl because I like this girl but I donít no how to talk to her because I think that I m going to say something stupid I don t no what to say to her or please help me.


Dear How Do I Talk to Girls,
Everyone gets a little tongue-tied when they like someone. You need some neutral topics to talk about. I think everyone should read the newspaper or watch the news, just so they broaden their conversational horizons. Current events are relevant to everyone in the entire world, so it's a good category for conversation fillers. But for a starter, why not try complimenting her? Everyone likes to hear something good about oneself and it could be something as innocuous as "Nice hair" or "I like that color on you." It shows you've noticed her and opens the door on a positive note. You could practice dishing compliments on less threatening people, like your parents or friends, as well as the discussions. The more you know what you're talking about, the easier =it becomes.
Try it,
msX


Dear msX,
In the past couple of weeks me and of my guys friends(he's out of my race) have started becoming really close. I Have real strong feelings for him and think that he is the one for me but the problem is my family. They are not prejudice but they are against me dating him. I have very strong feelings for him but they are my family.

Please help me I do not know what to do


Dear Interracial Date,
This is a tough one. I am sure your parents tried to teach you to be a fair and honest individual because you couldn't be this open-minded without some very good input from them. But, parents often still object when their kids want to date someone outside of their own culture. Maybe because they want so much for their kids to have an easy life and going into an interracial relationship is not without some very big obstacles. It is just easier to live with someone who has the same cultural expectations as your own.

In any case, if you are underage or dependent on your parents, they can make your life miserable if you go against their wishes. Still, you have to follow your own conscience/heart in the end. Can you and this fellow spend some just-as-friends time under your parents noses? Give them a chance to judge him as a person before you present him as a boyfriend? You are giving them the opportunity to see just what qualities you see him without putting them on the defensive. Go slow, anything worth keeping is worth waiting for. And, good luck.

msX


Dear msX,
Iím 16 and I am a virgin but Iíve told alot of people that I am not, now I am scared to have sex because I know a guy can tell when your a virgin. can you give me some advice.


Dear Virgin Liar,
So, what's the problem? All you have to do is refrain from sex until you're out of high school. By then, you'll be running with a different crowd and no one has to know your shameful secret. (Some people actually do wait until they're out of high school. You wouldn't be the first.)

Give it some thought,
msX


Dear msX,
OK I just need some advice. Im 16, a guy. Hereís the question: Thereís this girl I like, we always talk and stuff, and I think she's somewhat interested, but Im not sure, how would I find out if she is?


Dear Don't Know,
Just continue on the path you're on and you'll find out soon enough. She obviously finds you good company. Don't rush things.

Good luck,
msX



Dear msX,
What is it that women want in a man?


Dear Questioner,
Different women want different things. I can't give you any specific answers, but I can say that all humans, male or female, have a basic underlying need to be listened to. But, our culture produces different language and behavior in men than it does in women. Women tend to complain that men don't listen, while men complain that women talk unnecessarily. This seems to be a common thread in recent social theory books. Go to the library and take out one of these current pop bestsellers, like Men Are From Mars, Women are From Venus by John Grey or anything by Deborah Tannen. Both of these writers examine how the language of men differs from that of women and may explain a lot to you. In the meantime, being a good listener couldn't hurt.

Good luck,
msX



Dear msX,
I like this guy. He say he likes me but he doesn't want a girlfriend right now. But when I'm with him it doesn't seem that way. Should I go for him or just forget it.


Dear Boy Problem,
It seems crystal clear to me.

He doesn't want a girlfriend means he doesn't want a girl who he has to call or see, take out, spend money on, introduce to his friends and family, and feel guilty about if someone else interesting comes along. But, if you happen to be there, he may talk to you, kiss you, hold your hand, grope you, or otherwise act in a boyfriend-ly manner, but he wants you to understand that he isn't making any promises.

Sounds like an honest guy. Believe him.
msX


Dear msX,
I have been going out with this guy for almost 4 months. We broke up for like 5 minutes once but thats it. Well, anyway, I had been talking to his best friend for a while and his friend and I were thinking maybe we should hook up. I thought that since I already wanted to break up with my guy that it would be okay after we broke up, so the day after we broke up I went to the movies with his best friend and we made out but I couldnít stop thinking about my boy. I am back with my boyfriend now after about 35 hours of being broke up. I am only friends with his best friend now but should I tell my boyfriend? His friend told me not to.

What do you think, if I havenít confused you.


Dear Too Much Flirting,
What's with this time obsession? Four months, five minutes, thirty-five hours, I'm not sure if I understand why the time factor is so important.

When you decide to tell a lie, you have to know that there's always a chance that the truth will come out some time in the future. However, I think his friend is concerned that your telling might damage their friendship beyond repair. Being as you have bounced between these two guys, possibly hurting both of them and risking their friendship, I think that you owe his friend your discretion. What would be the point of telling your boyfriend...unless you thrive on high drama and need all that tumult in your life? There is a very good chance, too, that these boys will decide that their friendship is more important that you are to either of them. So, if I were you I'd keep this secret, and hope that nobody else spills the beans, either.

msX


Dear msX,
HI! I am 16 years old, and...I have a crush on this guy who, um...HAS A GIRLFRIEND!!! Well, when I met him I totally thought that he liked me ...BUT, later I found out that he has a girlfriend!!! I still talk to him & everything. So I'm not sure if he just has alot of girl "friends" or if maybe he DOES like me!! He seems to go out of his way to talk to me & stuff...Im not really sure what to do! Could you give me some advice???????? :)


Dear Guy Problems,
You're at an age when the average relationship lasts less than three months. If you're patient, maybe you'll either he'll be over this girlfriend or you'll be over him by then. He probably does like you, but he also likes his girlfriend...for now.

Be patient,
msX


Dear msX,
My husband cheated on me, on more than one occasion. Every time he begs ands cries for me to stay I do. He has a sexual problem, he canít get enough. Heís 32,I`m 39.Everytime I believe in him. Other than the cheating heís very good to me. We both have worked very hard and we are doing good.

HELP!


Dear All Confused,
That's really awful, hon, because it sounds like he's not going to change and this is a pattern you've accepted. Sexual addiction is a big problem that often resists professional treatment. But, it is not your problem and you are not at fault here. He has to want to fix it for it to happen. And, of course, you know that his sexual escapades put you at risk for picking up a (possibly fatal) sexually-transmitted disease.

But, you say life is otherwise good. Many women, modern and through history, have accepted relationships like this. It is something you have to decide for yourself, what exactly can you live with?

Good luck and be careful,
msX


Dear msX,
My best friend wonít eat in public! I know she isnít bulimic or anorexic but I'm starting to worry. I try to tell her how weird it looks if everyone is eating except her. I try to be there to support her but I am fed up!! She hasn't really been doing the act of the "best friend"! She is always saying how she doesnít like any of my friends but she wants me to like all of her new friends. (She recently moved a few towns over and we have new friends)


Dear Friend of the Non-Eater,
There's nothing that I can see you doing to make your best friend eat in public, as long as she is getting her proper nutrition in private. Some people are just uncomfortable eating with acquaintances...this is not all that uncommon. Just as long as she is not exhibiting any behavior that would make you believe that she is being dangerous to herself.

If she and you aren't seeing eye-to-eye on your outside friendships, what's the problem? Best friends don't have to agree about everything or like all the same people. I think you both are being a little unrealistic in your expectations of friendship. A best friend is not a boss or a clone of oneself! Sometimes when friends move away and they make new friends, the friendship can't withstand the move. Maybe this is where you guys are headed.

Think about it,
msX


Dear msX,
Hi I have a problem. Thereís this guy that I like and I think he likes me but I asked him put and he said that he dunno yet. Well I see him flirting and touching me but I dunno. What should I do and how will I know that he likes me?
And I have another problem too. All my friends smoke and I do a little. But well I need it when I see my friends smoke and I just want to but I donít want my parents to know. What should I do?
Thanx.
Write back..


Dear Jessica,
He likes flirting and he likes touching, but that doesn't mean he likes you. Boys will touch if you let them. They will flirt just for practice. If he really likes you, he'll talk to you before he touches. Really talk.

The smoking is stupid. It is a nasty and dirty addiction that gives you bad breath, yellow teeth, and poisoned lungs. You don't want your parents to find out because you should be embarrassed to have started doing something so self-destructive. Your parents will eventually find out from the smell, the burn holes in clothing, your breath. Maybe you will be lucky and that will be before you become addicted. Nicotine is as powerful an addiction as any hard drug. Cigarettes must cost about three bucks a pack. In a few years of smoking, you'll be spending at least that daily. Is this what you want for yourself? Just to look like part of a crowd when you're a teen? I just don't get it.

msX


Dear msX,
I have a problem. My boyfriend says he would do anything for me so I do so many things for him but when I ask him to do something simple for me he wonít do it. He says he loves me and constantly asks me if I love him. Whatís wrong?


Dear Evelyn,
Ever hear the expression, Actions Speak Louder Than Words? Otherwise phrased as, With the mouth, it's easy.

There's an uneven division of labor in this relationship, isn't there? You're producing all the action, he's handing you words. You're giving of yourself, he's blowing air bubbles with his mouth. What are you going to believe, what he says or what he does? This seems pretty clear to me that he's lazy in the romance department, selfishly-inclined, and a user. Find someone who will earn all that you do with sweet words AND solid actions.

Good luck,
msX


Dear msX,
My ex-boyfriend still calls me baby but he has another girl and they are together. I'm getting mixed messages and I don't know what to do. Help me find out what to do.


Dear Still My Baby,
It is smart of you to realize that he is sending mixed messages to you. The question is, can you figure out why?

My take is that he's also a clever guy. He doesn't want to burn his bridges. If it doesn't work out with his new girl, or if he has a fight with her and wants to make her jealous, or to get a response from you that boosts his ego. So, he's not closing any doors. Besides, he gets a rush when you respond to his flirting...he's a bigshot, who can have two girls, no?

It's up to you not to respond. He needs to get a clear message from you that you will be cordial, but you're not interested in a man who's taken. A simple, "I'm not your baby, I've moved on" works. See what happens from there, but don't sit around and glorify this ape's ego.

msX

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