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THIS MONTHS DILEMMAS ~ S E P T E M B E R '99x page 1

 
Dear msX,
I have the worst situation I could have imagined for myself. I am 19 years old, still living at home, and hating it. The reason I hate it is because my father punches, hits, and kicks me when I do the littlest thing to anger him. This has gone on forever. I am 19 years old and my curfew is 8pm. I cannot talk to my friends unless my mother is on the other line. Also, I am strictly forbidden from talking to boys. I am in a steady relationship with a wonderful man, but my parents would cut off my head if they knew. He is white and I come from a family of strict Muslims. I, myself, am not Muslim. I am supposed to have an arranged marriage, which I refuse to have.

I desperately want to move out of my home, but every time I mention it my mother says that her life will be over. She constantly threatens that she will kill herself if I ever move out. I have been treated for depression and have attempted suicide many times. Thank God I didn't succeed because then I would not have met the wonderful man I am with. I cannot go on like this but I do not want my mother to kill herself either just because I wanted to be happy.

The last time I mentioned moving out my mother took a knife and slashed at her arm while saying, "Don't you dare think I won't kill myself if you move out!" I feel that I am slowly withering and dying living with my parents. My mother said she would kill herself if I married the man I am with also. I am so happy with him that it feels that my problems at home simply melt away.

Please tell me what to do.


Dear Help Me Please,
Sweetheart, you need more help than I can give you in a letter, but perhaps I can convince you to get it quickly. While every culture deserves to celebrate its differences, there are certain legalities that transcend those right when in America. Your father is NOT allowed to abuse you, no matter what. It is against the law in this country.

Your mother sounds like she needs professional help, maybe from a therapist from her own background. You might look into finding an immigrant domestic abuse site and seeing what services they have to offer her, as well as how they can help you. In the meantime, you must tell someone what is going on in your home. Go to a woman's shelter if you have to. If you were a minor, you'd be in a more protected position with people to advocate for you...at your age, I think it is up to you to find help. Helping yourself begins with telling someone, someone in authority, what is going on.

I don't think you should jump right into a relationship with your boyfriend, although that might be in your future. Get yourself a way to support yourself so you can come to this relationship an independent woman, not someone desperately in need of a place of refuge.

Your mother's suicide threats are one of the meanest forms of manipulation. If she is such a religious Moslem, she would know that the Koran considers suicide to be equal to murder. Is she willing to compromise all her religious principles to get you to conform? If she accepts Allah and the teachings of Islaam as her path in life, she should know that what she is doing is contrary to what it says. Don't let her convince you that you are responsible for her attempts...she is a very disturbed person, possibly also abused by your father, and needs professional help. Don't buy into her threats, just refer her to an agency where they can address her problems. You need to distance yourself from your family, but you need to do it in the safest possible way, with help from professionals.

Good luck, sweetie, let us know,
msX




Dear msX,
I am the middle child of 5. My youngest sister, Hannah, was adopted by us about 2 years ago...I like her, but I always have to baby-sit. As a matter of fact I am babysitting now And its always me. My two older sisters Melissa and Sara, (18 and 16) are always going out with friends and believe me I have told my dad that I am always stuck home. Donít get me wrong, I mean they let me have a life, I do go to dances, but my sisters are ALWAYS going out Then there is my brother Tyler, he is 11, so he is too young to baby-sit and I completely understand that. But for example, the other night I was doing my homework, and my sister Sara was watching TV, just sitting there...and Hannah needed a diaper change...and I donít get why my parents donít do it...but hey, guess who was asked to do it...ME, so I said, "Dad, Sara is just sitting there doing nothing" and he told me just to do it

Please help me...I seriously need a break.
Tired from Wisconsin


Dear Middle Child of Picky Parents,
Undoubtedly you will get more privileges as you get older. Your parents haven't stopped Melissa and Sarah from going out, have they? Maybe they figure they have a couple more years of free baby-sitting before you reach the age for those very same privileges. Didn't Sarah and Melissa have to keep an eye on you when you were smaller?

Middle children always claim to have it the roughest. Maybe this is true. Get yourself a book out of the library on birth order and see what you can learn about the dynamics of your own family. Talk to your mom and dad honestly about your feelings, without whining or tears, and see if they might ease up. Speaking calmly will do a lot more for you stating your case than will name-calling and pouting. Tell them what you think is reasonable. Maybe they are unaware of your feelings. Or maybe they are just so tired from raising five children that they don't realize how it's impacting on you. Speak up and see if things change.

Good luck,
msX


Dear msX,
I went with this guy last year then we broke up now his cousin likes me and I like him too should I stop talking to him or what?

Please help me


Dear Confused,
Stuff like this happens, our worlds are not so big to guarantee that the people in our lives will not know the people in our past. Relax. If the relationship with the cousin is to be, it will. You haven't cheated, you've been broken up with the other guy for a while. Don't restrict yourself because of a prior connection. I'm sure the other fellow has moved on. Just be considerate about the whole thing and no one will have their feelings hurt.

msX



Dear msX,
I had this friend kill himself and it really bothered me. It happened 2 years ago but I can't seem to get over it. I have pictures of him and everything. He was really close to me like a best friend. What can I do??


Dear Lost My Friend,
You poor baby! Losing a friend is awful under any circumstances, but suicide leaves loved ones wounded in a way beyond any ordinary grief.

Know that your friend had big troubles, none of which you could have prevented. Know also that you were probably a rainbow in your friend's life, just as he was to you. Always remember the good times you shared together. That is how you commemorate a friend's memory. But, you cannot go back and change things. There is nothing you can do that will undo what happened. Talking about it, writing about it, reading about it, all are helpful in getting to understand your mixed feelings. Your probably sad and angry and confused about why this had to happen. Some people might even want to talk to a therapist as a short-term solution to dealing with sorting out their feelings. Your feelings should not be put away and bottled up -- that is just as unhealthy as living in the past. Two years is not that long a time to expect yourself to completely recover such a tragic experience. Check and see if you can find a support group for survivors of suicides...talking to people who have shared the same experience helps us heal.

Take care of yourself,
msX


Dear msX,
You see, I like this guy. I want him to notice me! I donít have any classes with him in school but I see him in the hallway sometimes. How can I get him to like me?


Dear I Like This Guy,
All you can do is be yourself and if he likes you and you like him (right now you don't even know him), then it will happen. You can smile and initiate a conversation to speed things up a little. But you can't make someone like you. If there's chemistry that means you both feel it - then it will progress from there. If not, maybe you've made a friend, maybe not. But, you've cut down on the suspense of watching him from afar and waiting for HIM to make the first move.

Good luck,
msX


Dear msX,
My friend recently told me that when you first become pregnant, you have a "fake period". Is that true? Also, have you ever heard of "Adam and Eve Love Drops", if so, what are they and how do you use them?
Please help me out!


Dear Fake Periods,
I've heard of women having scant periods the first month of pregnancy, usually at the time they would ordinarily begin their period. But, I am no doctor and any irregular bleeding should be brought to the attention of your doctor.

As for the other stuff, no I haven't. But, I'd be cautious about using any substance that claimed to enhance sex. There might be something in it that could cause an adverse reaction and unless you're willing to take the chance that you may have to explain yourself to an emergency room doctor or your parents, it's not worth it. Good sex does not come in a bottle.

msX


Dear msX,
Ruben is my baby's dad. Right now we are not together because things between us got really bad. I miss him and I do love him we were together for five years. I don't know if we have the problems we do because we are both young I'm 20 and he's 19. We decide that we needed to be friends before becoming anything else for my little boy. It just feels sometimes that we are going to get back together and be a family then I feel like we are not. We had a talk the other day and he said that he loved me and that he misses spending time with me and our little boy but then I feel like he's lying. Everyone tells me that it's time to move on and know that it is time. I got the point down about us moving on but making it happen is something else. I guess I'm scared because we were together for so long and I got use to being with him. Sometimes I feel like no-one is ever going to come my way and love and care for me. I don't k now what to do should I let go and move on or should I keep holding and hoping things will work out.

Please help me.


Dear Ruben's Girl,
Sweetheart, it is very hard to move forward when you are constantly looking back. Get on with your life, you have a baby to take care of. Ruben is always going to be a part of that baby's life. If Ruben is to be a part of your life, it will happen. But you have more important fish to fry now.

Work on getting yourself education and job skills so you can make a decent life for you and your baby. Learn a new skill. Then learn another. Better yourself. Make yourself employable. Clean up your act. Expand your world. Take that kid out to museums and parks and street fairs. Read to him. Help him to reach his potential. Set an example for your child. You have a very important job, the biggest responsibility of them all ~ being a mommy ~ and you can use that job to improve your own situation. Make yourself a program and stick to it.

Your youth can either work for you or against you. Because you're young, you have strength, energy, enthusiasm, and can learn fast so any goals you set for yourself are not unrealistic. Or you can decide that you still need to play and waste these years, focusing on chasing Ruben down or finding a man. Let me let you in on a secret, hon...as you improve yourself, you attract a better class of man.

Get out there and make a life for yourself!
msX


Dear msX,
Well I wrote you a couple nights ago but you have not answered my question. Now I have another one for you. You know the other letter was titled Ruben so maybe you can see what I'm talking about.

Anyway Ms. x my baby's dad that I've been with for five years is really confusing me. We had a talk on Sunday night and I told him that I missed him that I wanted him back that I couldn't take it anymore. You know we talked and he told me that he loved me and I told him that I loved him. We decided that we were going to work things out. I thought that by working things out it was okay to let people know after all if things didn't work we could just say that we tried but they didn't work out. So my really problem is that his sister's best friend moved in and now Ruben and her have become really good friends. I think that it's pretty wired that their good friends. Well one of the person's that I told we were working things out to was his sisters good friend. There just so much there he acts like I'm just someone else as if I wasn't his Baby's mom. I feel deep down inside that that they are being together and they just don't want to tell me. I feel like everyone knows and their not tell me. HE acts like he doesn't care anymore before I knew he cared and now I can't feel it. He tells me he does but Ms. X I need help this is driving me crazy I feel like killing myself because I can't take it emotional. Nobody is understanding were I'm coming from and I especially feel like the man I love doesn't understand me. What do I do, do I let go and see that something is going on or do I try to work things out and understand their just friends.

What do I do please help me?


Dear Ruben's Girl,
I did answer your other letter, but it takes a while to get them up on the board. I still stand by my first answer. Ruben and you share a child, that is no small miracle. Right now, that miracle needs at least his mother, as it seems his daddy is out humping your sister's best friend. Even if he's not actually doing the deed, he's not being fair to you or the baby. And if you feel everyone else knows something, trust your instincts, girl! That's why God gave them to you, to protect you from predators and harm.

Ruben is not now being the father he should be and you can't change him. But, you can change yourself. You have to change yourself for the sake of your baby and your future. If somewhere down the line, this Ruben rehabilitates himself and starts to act like a father, then a husband, deal with it then. Now get your own act together and run!

msX



Dear msX,
How will I know when I will get my period? And also, Why is there yellowish white stuff in my underwear? I have had it for 10 months. I have noticed it has been getting darker over the past week.

Please answer my ?'s Thanks sooo much
TWEETY:-)


Dear Tweety,
You need to see a doctor. It sounds like you have some sort of vaginal infection...could be something very simple caused by wearing nylon panties or tight jeans or an allergy to a soap or even a diet high in sugar and starch. I am thinking along the lines of a yeast infection, but I am not a doctor and it could be another condition. A doctor needs to determine what medicine you need to take and the longer you wait, the harder it will be to get rid of.

If you are worried because you think that people (your parents or the doctor) will think you're sexually active, don't be. Virgins can get vaginal infections, too. When you're at the doctor, ask her any questions you have about your period. If it helps, go with a list of questions, so you won't forget to ask or (if you're shy) you can just give her your list. There's nothing to be afraid of, kiddo, but you do need to get rid of this.

msX

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