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J U L Y '99

 
Dear msX
I know this is a girls magazine but I have a dilemma. My girlfriend and I have been dating now for six months and we've had our ups and downs like most couples do The problem is this, two weeks ago my gf wanted to go out with her friends and I wasn't to happy about that but I let it go.

The reason I wasn't so happy is the friends of hers were guys she always talked bad about. So right there and then I didn't like them. Anyway she went to her friends house and said she would be home in 2 hrs so we could go job hunting. Three hours passed and no sign so I called and no answer. Since the house is down the road I grabbed my bike (my license is under suspension) and peddled down there. She answered the door and told me that she and the guys and her other female friend were going out to play baseball. Right there and then I snapped and I demanded the ring that I bought her back she said I was being stupid and needed to grow up. I took the ring and left.

Since we live together it made things much worse. We would cry when we seen each other and just go nuts I realized that the thing I had to do is to trust her and let her have her friends so I did just that. One week passed and we got back together but with some rules and guidelines to go by. Tuesdays and Thursdays were her and my days away from each other. So we're back and the things seemed to be going much better. So I ask her "Before we go to your friends house to party can we please go and see my aunt and uncle?" So she said ok. Well the time came and she didn't want to go. Meanwhile I called my aunt and uncle and told them to expect us so they were.

Well once again we talked about it not yelling or shouting but talking, she got fed up and left to her friends house again. Every time something comes up she leaves she says she is confused, and about what she doesn't know thats what drives her nuts It's to the point she tries to tell herself she is ok when she's not. So then later on it just builds up and we both explode.

I love this girl with all my heart and I want to help and she loves me the same way and she wants me to help to. My question is what should I do? I want her to cry on my shoulder when she is sad. I want her to open up.
thanx very much
Gage

Dear Gage,

It doesn't sound like you and your girlfriend are communicating well, does it? Usually this is a sign that there is trouble in paradise. The problems that you have at the beginning of a relationship, more often than not, multiply as the years go by. So if you're in a lot of emotional pain right now, try to imagine how that might feel ten years down the road.

I know you think that you love this girl, but how many girls have you actually gone out with to compare? Some young men confuse lust with love (older guys do this sometimes, too, as do women). It is sometimes easier to believe that you're in love with someone, rather than just in love with the notion of having a sexual playmate. Being overly possessive is a sign of lust, not love. When you're in lust, the person you lust for is an object, something you want to keep all to yourself. Loving someone gives them the importance of being a significant player in one's life - an independent person respected and loved for who she or he is. I suspect when you meet someone whose mind and soul dazzle you just as much as her body does you will know the difference. You will love that woman in spite of any flaws.

Meanwhile, just cool it. You are scaring this girl away by being so possessive. If love true love does develop in time, you will not need to keep tabs on where she is or who she's with, because you will have accepted her as a trusted equal.

Relax,

msX



Dear msX
If my friends want to talk about me behind my back should i still be their friend?

Dear Not Sure,
There is a difference between talking behind someone's back and back-stabbing. Most people do engage in the former, although many would not admit it. This kind of talking behind someone's back is not malicious or mean, it is just the sharing of information, a little recreational gossip that our culture seems to be built on. Some of what they're saying might even be considered highly complimentary.

But, if your friends are saying bad things, hurtful things, then they are not your friends. How do you find out what they're saying? Keep your eyes and ears open, gossip has a way of coming back and presenting itself. If you find what is being said about you to be offensive or mean, then quietly approach the initiator and explain how you find this kind of talk hurtful. Maybe they don't realize it and you confronting it gently will make them aware and they will stop. If they don't stop, then you know they are not your friends and you can decide where to go from there.

Good luck,

msX



Dear msX
My girl friend that I have been with for a 8 months went to her friends house and her guy friends parents weren't home. The guy friend slapped my girlfriend across the face, and when she told me this, she said not to get angry. What should I do to the guy?

Dear Slap Happy's Boyfriend,
What should you do? Well, I'm certainly not going to tell you to find this guy and slap him back. Too much time will have passed and he will not make the connection between slapping your girlfriend and your slapping him. It will be looked at as a lone act of aggression on your part and he will be twice as pissed as he would be if your punch was just sent in answer to his own. He may hurt you back.

You'd have to had caught him in the act or retaliated within a 48 hour time period, my macho sources say, in order for him to make the connection (much like a dog who doesn't understand when you yell at him for something he did yesterday). And violence begets more violence, so let's just stop it right here.

So, what should you do? I would want to know why my girlfriend got herself into such an unsafe situation. Kind of stupid going to a guy's house with no grownups home. In my day, that was called "looking for trouble," still today it might be called "living dangerously." I'd want to examine her motive for being alone with him and, more importantly, for telling you about it. Does she want you to protect her? Is she trying to make you jealous? If she doesn't want you to be angry, wouldn't it have been easier to keep it to herself? I smell a possible manipulation here somewhere, so be careful. Sometimes young girls do dramatic things to test how far their boyfriends will go for them, don't be fooled.

Now if this fellow really did slap your girlfriend and she thinks there's no reason to be angry, she clearly needs her head examined. There is NEVER any reason for a man to strike a woman, NEVER. That it is okay with her seems frightening. Why is she so willing to take it?
Hitting another person is assault, it is against the law. At the very least, she should have had her parents speak to his parents, and file a report with the police. I understand that she feels she can't do this because her parents would bury her for going to this boy's house alone/no parents, and that is something that this ape is counting on. He knows that if she tells anyone in authority, then her parents will find out where she was and, in punishing him, she will get punished herself.

Often young girls, even boys, get victimized because the bully gets them in a situation that they don't want their parents to know about and then attacks. Maybe this is the case and your girlfriend just needed to talk about it. I'm hoping that you will do that and tell her what I told you, show her you're concerned about her safety, and encourage her to be more careful as you value her friendship.

Take care,

msX



Dear msX
My best friend and I luv to hang out at school and at games. The only problem is her mom doesn't let her go to anything when I go. Her mom hates me. We're best friends and try to hang out whenever. Her mom hates me because we accidentally got bleach on her shirt and because I have too much energy. She tried telling her mom that we're best friends but her refuses to listen. What should I do to let her mom know that I'm okay to hang around with???

Dear Bleachie,
If the shirt incident is all that is making her mom dislike you, you could offer to replace the shirt. If it is expensive, maybe you could offer to give her mom a couple of dollars a week. I would bet she wouldn't accept it, but it might go a long way toward her believing you are sincere. Perhaps you can write her a letter directly without using your friend as an intermediary Apologize for anything you might have done to offend her, offer to pay for the shirt, and ask her if she can give you a second chance. This could go a couple of ways, but I'm not a psychic so I can't tell you which. She could be impressed with your courage, irritated by being confronted by a kid, or just adamant about not changing her view of you. But, you have nothing to lose by trying.

Good luck,

msX



Dear msX
Hi there. Well my problem is I have a step-son who is 5 years old. The mother isn't in the picture all that often and when she is she doesn't do anything but cause problems between my husband and I. Ok, tonight as we were lying in bed watching T.V at 10:00 P.M. the phone rings and of course it is her. She says that our son wants to come home because he says he doesn't like her or his other brother or sister. So of course my husband jumps up and says he is going to get him. I asked my husband why our son couldn't stay one more night and he could go pick him up after work in the morning. Well his only answer was "he wants to come home so I have to go get him" He couldn't understand why I got mad at the fact that he was going to go so late at night. I tried to tell him that his son was probably just tired since it was way past his bed time and he was probably just throwing a little tantrum. So now I am the bad guy for not feeling for his son. I just get mad at the fact that he jumps whenever his ex wants him to do something. He is my husband. Am I wrong to fee this way? Sorry I typed so much but I am upset. Thank you.
Nikki

Nikki,
You may not like what I'm going to say. Your stepson is the only person in this equation who matters. He's a kid and has been through some awful times. Being rejected by mother can destroy adults, so you can imagine how it feels to be a little boy who doesn't understand, but thinks it might have been something he did. He's hurting now and if he has tantrums, can you blame him?

But, I'm going to tell you that you can turn this situation around to your advantage, and not at the expense of your stepson. If you become his ally, you have so much to gain. Your husband's respect and gratitude at what a generous and loving woman you are. Your stepson's love will come when he feels that he can trust you and you will not reject him the way his mother has. Once you earn your stepson's trust, you may realize that there is nothing like a little one who adores you to make it worth getting up in the morning.

Accept the fact that the kid's mother is a zero and cannot be relied on to keep the boy overnight. Don't force him to stay where he doesn't want...he may have some serious reasons for not wanting to stay with her. Sit down with your husband and your stepkid and work on making a family. You knew he had a kid when you married him, didn't you? At least until that boy is grown, he is going to be part of your husband's life, like it or not. It is just so much easier and more rewarding to like it, for you and everyone else concerned. Your life will be so much better.

Nikki, do the right thing, a child is depending on you.

msX



Dear msX
I have been liking this guy for almost two years. Iíve never liked any other person because I was so hooked on him but now Iíve decided to leave him alone and move on because he doesn't want anything to do with me. My soon to be uncle has this really cute cousin that is so sweet to me and now I really like him and he seems to like me. the problem is he's a different race than me and my parents don't approve of it at all. To make sure Iím not with him my parents forbid me to not be allowed by my aunt or uncles house because he's over there alot. what should I do?

Dear Confused,
It's okay to move on, but it's also okay to be "single" until the next "right party" comes along. By all means, you can talk to your uncle's cousin, see him in family or group situations when you can, but until you're a grownup, be careful about starting up relationships so close to home, regardless of what a person's race is.

Famous saying - you don't sh*t where you eat means don't start something where you spend alot of your time. Be smart, if it's right, it'll wait until the time is, too.,

msX



Dear msX
I finally found the perfect girl. She funny, smart, beautiful and so much more, but there's a couple of problems. The first is that I work with her, and if things didn't work out I'd have to see her every day. The second is that I want to get to know her better before I ask her out on an actual date. I don't want to have the pressure of a dating atmosphere, but I still want to let her know that I might want to be something more than "just friends" eventually. I'm hesitant about asking her out on a group date or anything because she's a couple years older than I am and just going into college, so I'm not sure if she'd want to hang out with my high school friends. Any advice?

Dear Hung Up on a Girl from Work,
Y
ou sound like a very mature young man. Your assessment of your situation seems like you have given it a lot of thought and not one to act impulsively. Getting to know her gradually within friendly parameters is a good strategy you can only gain from. -- even she isn't interested in you as a paramour, you have cultivated a friendship. Friendships of themselves are wonderful, but a friendship with an older woman could be particularly beneficial for a young man. And, if you find that your feelings were wrong, that you have nothing to say to this girl when you get to know her, then no one has lost face by rushing into a romance impulsively and no one has to quit a job!

You might be right - she might not want to hang out with your high school friends. Find a common ground - music, comedy, bike-riding - and invite her to partake with you. Make it clear that this is not a date, but that you find her interesting as a person. If you present yourself in the mature and open way you come across in your letter, she will be a fool if she doesn't welcome your friendship!

Good luck,

msX



Dear msX
I have been in love with this guy for over a year. I have turned down any other guy who has ever even tried to attempt to ask me out I know this guy likes me, but I donít think he loves me like I love him. He seems like the perfect guy for me, but I guess I never even gave another guy the time of day. anyway, I have waited on him to ask me out all this time, and it still hasnít happened. I donít know if I should give up on waiting, or just wait awhile longer. I love this guy more than I can ever describe to you. I know he likes me, because he has told me. he said he just isnít ready for a girlfriend right now. but I mean how long shall I keep waiting until he is ready for a girlfriend?

Dear In Love Too Long,
This waiting troubles me. It is a waste of time. Go have a life. Invite this fellow along, somewhere - to a party, to go biking, just to talk. If he likes you, spending time with you should be easy. Get to know him, let him get to know you. If something is to happen, let it happen slowly, as you two gradually get acquainted.

Sometimes we focus on someone because they're unattainable and, thus, safe. Maybe this guy would not seem so important if you view him from close-up. Find out! In any case, you have a life and choosing to spend it waiting to see if a boy will notice you is, in my opinion, a waste of precious time.

Good luck,

msX



Dear msX
I am 21 years old and I have two boys and will be expecting my third child which is a girl in Sept.99. The farther of my children asked me to get back with him, but the thing about it is this: He has just finished a relationship with this other girl who just had a baby from him too in July.99, I am not sure this relationship is over between them. He tells me he wants to be with me but I don't believe him. My heart is telling me yes, but my mind and the past is telling me hell no excuse my French. I want to know if I commit myself again to this guy will I have a chance of really being with him or should I just pack my babies and bags and run far away. The only thing he wants me for in my mind is for sex and to be like a provider for him but I want more. If he wants to be with me how do I really know he means it or if he really means it. There's alot more that I want to tell you on this subject but there's not enough time and room. So I'll just ask this one question and write later.

Dear Desperate to Know,
I can't see anything positive in taking someone into your life who has done nothing but make you miserable in the past. However, you have three small children who will link you to this man for the rest of your lives, and that is something to consider.

(I have to ask you, pardon my rudeness, but how on earth do you have three children at your age with a man who's not committed to you or them? Children are wonderful blessings, but are so much better off with parents who have the means to provide for them. You need to speak to someone about birth control after your daughter is born.)

My advice is probably going to be hard for you to hear. You should run from this man, he is probably never going to change. But, you also owe your children their father. So, I think you should work on rebuilding your own life, going back to school, getting a job, getting your life together, but don't count on it being with him. At the same time, I think you should encourage him to exercise his fatherly duties and to be a presence in his children's lives.

Maybe one day, far into the future, when you've gotten it all together with your life, then maybe the two of you will reconnect. But, if you go back to him now, you will be going as a DEPENDENT WOMAN, and, therefore, it will be so much easier for him to abuse and neglect you. That is why I'm telling you to make something of yourself for your kids, so that when you go into your next relationship, with their daddy or with someone new, then you will be going in as a self-sufficient, strong woman, who expects and demands to be treated as an equal.

Good luck,

msX



Dear msX
There's this guy who I really like but I don't know if he feels the same way I do. He is my ex-boyfriend, the problem is I never shared my feelings with him when we were together, except in one letter. I told him everything, how I felt about him how he makes me feel inside etc., and now I regret not ever telling him face to face. I think about him everyday, whenever he sees me he just says hi and walks away. He is a sensitive and caring guy when he wants to be. I'm scared he doesn't care about me anymore, he was true to me and always used to take care of me all the time. Should I let him know and ask him to give me a second chance or should I just let it be?

Dear Second Chance,
What do you have to lose by approaching this guy? Is a little temporary discomfort or embarrassment worth losing the doubt of not knowing how he feels? This is an easy answer. Talk to him. If you don't you'll always wonder what could have been. You might not get the answer you want, but you won't waste anymore time wondering about it.

Do it!

msX



Dear msX
I really want a pager, all of my friends have them, but my dad thinks that I really don't want to be able to get contacted all the time. I have thought about what he's said, but whenever I mention it to him, he just says why I don't want one, and I can't get a word in! it's REALLY unfair! how do I convince him Iím mature enough to have one, and I KNOW I want one

Dear Pager-Wannabe,
How's this? Give your father a reason for HIM to want you to have a pager.
I personally think they are a Godsend to worried parents.

Explain to him that it will enable him to get in touch with you if there's ever an emergency or if he needs to give you a signal that he's on his way to pick you up and that because of this, he will worry less. Make a list for him of all the reasons having a pager would benefit your parents. Promise him that you will live up to the responsibility of having a pager by not using it inappropriately or at school, and that you will respond to his pages immediately. If this doesn't work, ask him when he thinks you will be old enough to have a pager and wait.

Good luck,

msX



Dear msX
Well my best friend has this brother and we was together but we stop looking at each and stop talking. I like him but I don't know if he like me my friend said he do and he looks at me when I go to his house I don't know what to do?
Please help!

My dear,
When you say you "were together" with this boy, do you mean that you had sex with him? If he's not talking to you after that, then doesn't that say it all? That's what he's interested in and he doesn't sound mature enough to at least pretend he's interested in any other part of you. If this is the case, please don't let him use you again.

If you haven't had sex, but have just made out or flirted, then maybe he's shy or just immature and you are expecting too much from him. Boys have the burden of having to make the first move in our culture and maybe he's just not socially adept enough to go there. Or, maybe you are moving things along too quickly for him and he needs to slow the pace down. Just continue your friendship with his sister and be yourself when he's around. If he does like you, he will let you know at his own pace.

Good luck,

msX
 

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