ask msX archivesMORE


J U N E '99

Dear msX,
Hi I have a ? I want a child and think I would be a great mom. Should I have a child? it would be so great

Dear Wants to be a Mommy,
Having a child is not something to be done without a great deal of thought and mental preparation. Are you prepared to spend nine months without cigarettes, alcohol, and caffeine? Are you ready to put the health and welfare of your child ahead of your own comfort and pleasure? Can you do without a lot of sleep? Would you be willing to do without new things so that your child can have all the formula, food, furniture, clothing, diapers, toys, medical attention, shelter, and other necessities of childhood? Can you see yourself spending the next two decades nurturing another human being, sometimes at the expense of your own sanity?

Even if the answer to all of the above questions is "yes," you still have to think of how you will be able to support a child. If you terminate your education in order to be a parent, do you know what this does to a child's future? Children born of young, uneducated parents more often than not grow up poor. Is that the kind of future you want to provide for your children? What's going to happen when, in future years, you think of all the milestones you are missing because you chose to do parenthood before you even started to live your own life.

Yes, you may well have the potential to be a wonderful and caring mother. Desire is only part of it. Spend the next few years readying yourself for the adult world. Experience your own youth before you commit to taking another life, so that you can be the best possible parent to your child. Forge a relationship with a person who will be a giving and willing partner in parenting because being a single mother is even harder.

Bringing up a baby is a whole lot more than cuddling, kissing, and dressing a little creature. You will be giving your future child the greatest gift of all if you wait until you are mature enough to have one. Even then, it is no easy be patient.

Good luck,

Ms. X

Dear msX,
Me & my boyfriend have been dating for 3 years, but hear in last few months I been pretty up tight about talking to him. Because of a scary thing that happen to me. But, when I want to talk he not home. So I been talking to a guy that listens to me all the time. I starting to fall for this new guy. There is only one problem they are related. What should I do? Stay with the man I got, or move on?

I'm not sure if I have enough info to give you good advice. This scary thing that happened to you -- was this first fellow in any way involved? Is he part of the reason you've been scared? If so, please run for your life.

Walk away for your life if he is not a good listener and that is important to you. People don't generally change, so if he's not there in times of trouble now, it probably won't be any different years from now when problems may be larger. Find yourself someone who thinks listening to you is a pleasure, not a chore, someone you can trust with your feelings and who thinks you're fascinating.

Now you don't need to rush off looking for this someone. He's out there and you'll meet him in time. Now is the time to cultivate your friendships and develop relationships that are platonic. That way you'll always have friends to lean on. Friends are wonderful to have when you're between boyfriends, but they're even more terrific to have around when you're happy. You can never have enough friends.

If this other guy is destined to be a boyfriend or just a good friend, only time will tell. But, please be aware that since these two guys are related, there is a very good chance that you will be the one to be hurt. Blood is usually thicker than water in the long run. Although some people have gone on to hook up with their partners after dating their friends or relatives, this is pretty uncommon. If it is meant to be with this other fellow, then it will, but why are you limiting yourself? There are so many other men in the world!

Whatever you do, insist that you are treated with respect and gentleness... these are basic things that everyone is entitled to.


Dear msX,
I have a friend (Amy) whose mother is way too involved in her life. For example, last week I was invited to another friend's house and Amy was not. Amy's mother called me and asked me to ask my friend if Amy could come to. Everyday my phone begins to ring at 9am and Amy wants to do something. If I say no she gets mad and then her mother calls and bullies me into saying yes. Once I stood up to her and she called my mom and bullied her. We have tried not answering the phone but they call 20 times and block the caller ID and then call my mom's cell phone. HELP!!!!

Dear Bullied,
No one should have to be afraid to answer their own telephone! You and your mom need to sit down with this little tag team and tell them, in a nice but firm manner, that their behavior is offensive. You are entitled to have friendships that don't this girl and you will. When you want to include her, you will. But, if they keep this bullying up, there will be no friendship at all and she will never be included in your plans. Take it or leave it. While it may be a little uncomfortable for you and your mom to be that outspoken, isn't it worth a little discomfort so that you don't have to be pushed into doing things you don't want to do in the future? Pretend your an actress, playing the part if that makes you feel better about being so assertive. Not everyone is comfortable sticking up for themselves, but it is something both you and your mother should learn: Some people don't understand the polite language and you have to speak to them in their own language so that they understand. Do it. It's really good practice for the future.

If they still persist, you may have to change your phone number. It would be worth it.


Dear msX,
I am always shy when boys try to talk to me. and my problem is that I really love boys . What could I do in order to end this shyness.

Dear Shy One,
Focus on the person speaking to you and not yourself. It is likely that he is just as self-conscious and will be grateful if you smile and make him feel comfortable. Ask questions that involve longer answers Ė this keeps the other person talking and gives you a chance to warm-up while you listen and decide how much of yourself you want to share. Sometimes shy people just need a little extra time and familiarity to get themselves going.

Dear msX,
I don't know what to do about the things that are actually happening to me right now, for I have 2 girlfriends at the same time but, I have to admit that I love them both even though my relationship to my latest girlfriend is not as long as my previous girlfriend right before her, we were just in our two weeks as lovers. I don't know if I could say this to my latest g.f. What are the things that I should, or could do about this matter. Please help me Ms.X. I know that my latest g.f. loves me in a way that she would fight for any reason just to save our relationship. Thank You very much!

Sorry buddy, you're going to have to choose. It sounds like you want these girls to fight with you being the trophy-prize that goes to the winner. It is not fair for you, in this age of sexually-transmitted diseases, to be sexually active with both girls without telling them, so 'fess up now. I don't mean to be negative, but we're not talking love here, we're talking horniness. And horniness without monogamy or informed sex can be lethal.

Be honest,


Dear msX,
I've been with my boyfriend for two years and we have been having alot of problems this new year but now out of know where he doesn't want to talk to me. I love him and I don't know if I should call him or just leave him alone. Well I have called but he don't seem like if he wants to talk. Help me...

You're not going to like what I'm going to say and I think you know it. He doesn't want to talk to you. It's over. Leave him alone. All the calling and stalking and crying isn't going to change things in the long run, so get out now with your dignity.

You're a young girl and falling in love with love is part of the age you're in. Enjoy that feeling, but never let it compromise your self-esteem. If he doesn't want to talk to you, move forward...there are gazillions of others out there who will value you. Never let anyone make you beg for their company. It's not worth it, hon.


Dear msX,
I was wondering? can u catch diseases (aids gonorrhea, syphilis, the clamp, etc) through man woman anal sex? this is man doing it to the woman

Yes. Unprotected sex of any kind can transmit all of the above diseases and more. Anal sex is particularly dangerous (unless it's the woman doing it to the man and then one only has to be concerned with the Clamp). Find yourself a good sex education course or counselor and don't take any foolish chances with your life!

Dear msX,
I met theses 2 guys on the internet and they're both really sweet. Me like them both though. I donít' know which one ho go w/. One wants a long term relationship (Brian) but can't see me because he lives too far away! The other one (Aaron) is gonna come see me this summer. Should I just wait to see what happens when Aaron or what????

You are much to young to tie yourself to one fellow. These are your Scarlet O'Hara years, hon, enjoy them! By all means, correspond with Brian, but don't expect him to come marching into town on his white horse to save you from Aaron. When Aaron comes to visit you, enjoy him, too. This is the time of your life when you learn what you like in a man by getting to know many. Look at it as the cocktail hour before the main course where you can try alot of different flavors before you commit to one! When the right one comes along, you will know.

Dear msX,
I have this very close, very wonderful, very PLATONIC friend who I have known since fifth grade. We're both sixteen now, and have dated other people- never each other. As I said, we are strictly platonic.

I can tell him anything, and we always have long talks about what's bothering us. We hang out. I feel more comfortable around than him than I do with my closest girlfriend or any of the boyfriends I've have.

Last weekend I spent the night at his house and we were sleeping in the same bed, after watching a movie and etc. I woke up to kind of find my hands wandering if you know what I mean. I was totally embarrassed, and not sure why I would do this. Worst of all, he was awake, and wasn't doing anything to stop me. Now it's so awkward between us, mostly because I'm freaked out.

Why would I do this, and then why would he let me? This is bizarre to me.

Dear Friend in Trouble,
Quite an awkward situation you're in. Take a moment to ask yourself what you'd like to happen before you have the inevitable talk you're going to have to have with your friend. This is not something that can go unaddressed for long.

Do you want things to be as they were, with you remaining friends, and just looking back on this as an accidental detour? You still have to talk, maybe just tell him you want to apologize for being out-of-line and promise it won't happen again. Give him a chance to respond to see where he's at with this. Maybe he can live with this or maybe he wants something else or maybe he's a little afraid of you and the feelings you may have stirred. Or maybe he just took advantage of the moment like any other horny teenage boy!

But, if you find that you did this out of an attraction to your friend, then that, too, has to be put out on the table. Maybe it's reciprocal, maybe not, but it has to be talked about. You can't pretend this didn't happen. Otherwise you have what is called "an elephant in the living room that no one talks about syndrome" -- the situation exists and it's big and making everyone uncomfortable and nervous, but no one's going to mention it even if it means getting squashed to death!

Talk to your friend, you might be pleasantly surprised.


Dear msX,
I am a 13 year old girl I still wet the bed. Can you help me

Talk to your parents if they are not already aware of this. This is something that must be checked by a doctor to rule out physical reasons. If there are other traumatic things happening in your life, past or present, they may be the cause of this. You need to speak to a professional, a counselor or therapist, to see if there's an emotional reason for your bed-wetting.

Please don't delay,





msX home



coffeerooms home


LinkExchange Network