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M A R C H '99

 
Dear msX,
My problem is I have been going through some tough times right now and to tell you the truth I am starting to be attracted to girls and is there something going on and how do I know my feelings are true?

Dear Confused,
Your feelings are true, whether they are just fleeting fantasies or strong and insistent. What I mean is what you feel, be it for a millisecond or an eternity, is as valid and honest as what anyone else has in his/her head. What I think you're asking, hon, is "Am I gay because I am sometimes attracted to other women?" I don't know the answer to that, but I can say that whether you are or are not, sexual identity is not always so clear-cut. Often we admire people outside of our sexual orientation just because they deserve our admiration, not because we want to engage in sex with them.

I am not an expert here. But, I do know that people who are gay say they knew from a very early age that they were attracted to the same sex. All research points toward gender-preference being inborn -- you are born with your sexual identity and there ain't nothing gonna change it! If God chooses to make some people gay, then He must know what He is doing. I would accept that and know that I have nothing to be ashamed of.

However, some people are intolerant. Some people may not feel the way you or I do. I am friendly with a mother and her adult daughter who is gay. Her mother says that she cried when she found out her daughter was gay, not because she felt it was wrong, but because she knew that her daughter could face some ugly prejudice because of it and she wanted to shield her.

What I would do if I were you is research. Take some books out of the library that others have written about coming out. Do a search on the net for Gay Youth resources and see if you identify with what you read. I think there are Gay Teen groups, even on aol. So you give yourself some time and knowledge and see where it leads you. Maybe yes, maybe no. But, it all won't then be a great big scary mystery to you the more you learn about it.

Please, please, please, do not give out your real name or address to anyone on the internet regardless of how innocent they may seem. Take care of yourself, be kind to yourself, and may your tough times be soon over, hon.

msX


Dear msX,
This really isn't anything major but Iím TOTALY falling for this guy at my school. He most defiantly knows I like him because all my friends keep on trying to hook me up with him. The problem is he doesnít like me. I think it might be because I havenít actually talked to him, my friends always do it for me and I hate it. I wish I could just go up to him and say hi, but I get extremely nervous around him. I have one class with him and we have only been in it together for about a week. He doesnít sit by me and we really havenít talked alone. My friends always do two way or something. I donít think heís interested but I wish there was some way I could tell him how much I really do like him without going weak at the knees! That class I have with him is particularly awful because my ex is in it and we donít get along. I really can't flirt because we never talk. This is the worst part; the class is physical science and the teacher constantly calls on me to answer questions and every time she does I feel my face go red hot and I get all nervous like Iím going to answer wrong. I usually donít but today for example she asked me how we measure mass. At first I said ml then I corrected my self and said g/cm3 but the right answer was just grams. I feel so stupid and I know I knew the right answer. PLEASE HELP ME!!!!!

signed, wants this guy


Dear Wants This Guy,
Tell your friends to bug off. Then find a moment to approach the object of your desire and privately offer an apology for your friends...something like, "I'm sorry if my friends are making you feel uncomfortable. I'm not comfortable with their pushiness either! They seem to feel we'd make a good couple, but I think we'd need to know each other better before that could happen." Maybe you could start in by asking him what the homework is or to explain something from class. Then smile and back off. This way you've removed yourself from the group situation which might have been making him uneasy.

If he picks up the scent, fine. If not, nothing lost. Bear in mind that you two have not even had a conversation, so it's a bit premature to know if you like each other or not. Work on getting to know him without making him feel cornered. Sometimes friends' interference can be a real turn-off. It says so much more about you if you speak for yourself. And, as you said, you don't even know him. You might like the package, but not what's inside. Good luck,

msX


Dear msX,
I really do not know what to do. I like this boy that I'm friends with but he likes other girls. How do I get him to get the clue that I like him? He treats me as a friend nothing else. What should I do.

Dear Lovesick,
I
don't know why this fellow doesn't like you. Perhaps you are just destined to be friends with him. But, maybe not. Use your friendship as an opportunity to put your best foot forward. In time, he may realize that you are the one for him. If not, you have worked on building a friendship with him and that might be just what you're supposed to be.

Best of luck,
msX


Dear msX,
Short question--Can guys tell whether or not a girl is a virgin the first time he has sex with her? If so, how can he tell? Can you hide the fact that you are, or are not a virgin? (my friend and I need to know, since one is a virgin and one isn't).

Dear (Friend of) Virgin,
I would think it depends on the guy. What kind of sexual experience is he bringing to this encounter? Many women bleed a bit when they lose their virginity and I think most men expect this. But, there are times when a girl IS a virgin and doesn't bleed the first time, so it is not an absolute given.

If you are considering a sexual relationship, please enter it carefully. To lose your virginity in a loveless union to someone who does not value you is a waste of a very precious first. Make sure it is with someone you trust and respect and then be sure to practice safe sex.

If you are not a virgin, I wonder if lying about it is such a good idea. Either it is nobody's business but your own or it is something you can share with someone you trust. But, you should be accepted for who you are, which is the total of your experiences, and starting out with such a serious lie is looking for trouble. I would wonder about a fellow that held it against you anyway.

Your virginity is a gift you can only give once, whether or not your partner is aware of your prior experience, you will know!


Be safe girls,
msX


Dear msX,
Lately I've been in a relationship with this great guy. Our relationship is incredible and he is megasweet. My problem? - Whenever were fooling around, he bites! REALLY HARD!!(He does not do this any time other than when we're fooling around so I know he's not like, Mr. Vampire wannabe) He cut my um, "chest" (ahem!) with his teeth, and he's sunk his teeth in other places other times too so I know it's not accidental. I think it's just his way of "being with me" seeing as how I don't even think he notices it hurts me a lot. I never want to offend him or embarrass him but I really do need to find a way to tell him gently that I need him to stop biting!!

Please help if you can, I love this relationship and don't want to see it end over something so stupid!
Sore and Distressed

Dear Bitten,
You don't want to hurt his feelings so you're not going to tell him that he's hurting you? What if he finds it a turn-on to slap your face or pull your hair or choke you or otherwise hurt you while you're in the act? Are you going to keep quiet and take it because you don't want him to leave you? Perhaps he is testing your limits.

It's up to you to draw the line about what you like and don't like in your sexual relationships. Sometimes, in the heat of passion, things can get a bit carried away. But, you should not be doing things just to accommodate your lover if they hurt or humiliate you, unless you want to be hurt and humiliated (which some people do). I personally draw the line at anything that might leave a mark, but some people find a little pain intensifies the pleasure. Tell your vampire lover that the biting has to stop because it diminishes your desire and suggest an alternative that the two of you can compromise on. If he's not willing to compromise, then doesn't that say something about him?
Thank about it.


msX


Dear msX,
Ok, I've been with my boyfriend for 8-9 months. I loved him so much, and we shared so much with each other. We have always fought a lot, but over stupid LITTLE things. Last night, he told me he "didn't care if I slept with other men or anything, but he still loved me." Well, that upset me, because I thought it meant he didn't care about me anymore. I would NEVER EVER cheat on him. No matter what. That convo was on the computer, we both have AOL. Later that night, I called him and we were talking. We both threatened suicide and I was furious with him. He said "I can't live without you," and I replied "you might have to!" Then hung up on him. Later on I felt bad and I wrote him poetry and emailed it to him. I poured my heart out to him! Today, I came home and I called a friend of his and we were talking..it turns out that right after I hung up, he left the house and went to a girl's house that was a friend of a friend.. And they fooled around. I need urgent advice..this is tearing me up. He is dating her now, I guess. Please answer!

Dear Torn Up,
This sounds unhealthy to me. A man who encourages his girl to sleep with other men, while still professing his love for her, is sending out mixed messages for a couple of reasons, none too good. Either he is looking to assuage his own guilt about lusting after other women by planting the idea in your head. "Hey, it's okay if you sleep with other men, because I intend to sleep with other women" is what he's really saying. Or, even worse, maybe he's trying to draw you into experimenting with other partners as a couple and is trying to see how you'd react.

In any case, all your melodramatic moments did not change anything. He still went out and did what he wanted. Do you still want him on these terms? Because as I see it, he's having his cake and eating it too...and he's urging you to do the same. Listen to what the man is saying to you, he doesn't want a monogamous relationship, and you have to decide whether staying with him on his terms is worth your self-respect.

No one is worth killing oneself over . Threatening to do so is a low-down manipulative act of a desperate person who has lost the upper hand in a relationship and tries anything to get control. Who wants to be with that kind of a bring-down? By acting this way, you are causing him to flee even faster. Regaining your self-respect will make you more desirable to him and to others. I know you don't see it now, but losing this fellow is a gift, a reward. Get over it.

msX


Dear msX
I have this ex boyfriend and he is telling everyone that I am a slut! Iím not, either. Now he is telling people that I was going out with this other guy the entire time! I don't know where he got this from. I told him that I thought that was the worst thing to ever do to some one. Now every time I try to talk to him either he walks away or he will hang up the phone. Iíve tried all that I could think of but I don't know why he is doing this. I think it's maybe because I dumped him, but I told him that he deserved someone that liked him as much as he liked them and I didn't like him that much what can I do?
sincerely, troubled ex

Dear Not a Slut,
You seem to have figured this out on your own. This guy cannot accept that you dumped him and he's looking for a reason for it beyond his own flawed self. He is so insecure that he doesn't want anyone to believe that fault lies with him, so he's created this lie that he's almost come to believe himself. (If you repeat something often enough, you even convince yourself that it's true.) He walks away from you because he doesn't want to be confronted and busted in his lie.

What can you do about this? Hold your head up high and ignore him. If it comes up with anyone else, you can defend yourself with the truth and know that the people who are (and will be) important to you will believe you. If need be, you can plant a seed by telling someone will a big mouth that the jerk didn't want to believe that you didn't find him attractive, so he invented this story to save face. Say you feel sorry for him. He will come off as pathetic and word will spread that you are not easy nor one to be reckoned with.

These people and what they think will cease to matter before you know it.


Take care,
msX
 

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