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J U L Y '98

Dear ms. X
My best friend is a guy. We like to hang out together a lot and every one knows were best friends...and have been for about 2 years. We dated before when we first met each other. Then we both decided it was too weird, and thats when we became best friends. Weíve both dated people who were ok w/us being b-friends. But the problem is he told me he loves me a little more than best friends are supposed to .I donít want to lose my best friend for a relationship that probably wonít last, and we might end up not even being friends at all if thats what happens. What can I tell him?

signed, Crushed

Dear Crushed

A friend is one of the most valuable gifts you can give yourself, and a friend of the opposite sex is a bonus. You are right to think that a friendship can be spoiled by escalating too rapidly toward a romance. Let your friend know how much you value him and how important he is to you as a friend. If, as time passes, you find yourself more attracted to him as a boyfriend, then things might change. But, don't flaunt your romantic relationships in his face to deter him from pursuing you or give his false hope. A friend like that deserves your honesty.

ms. X

Dear ms X

I was going out with this guy for maybe a month. All my friends said he was a "player".
Before I went out with him I asked him about it and he said that he was but that was a while ago and he said heís grown up since then. I believed him and ignored my friends. A lot of people admired me because I had a Great boyfriend.. and not to mention cute. Then after a month he dumped me., and I never could figure out why. but he said maybe later we could get back together. Ever since then, he hasnít called, and when I confronted him (and that was only once) he lied to me saying we would go on a date then never showed up. I havenít had enough confidence to confront him since, cuz he really upset me. And Iím still hooked on this guy believing heís going to come back to me, and its been two months since we've broke up. should I move on???

Signed, Hooked

Dear Hooked
There is nothing quite as sad as unrequited love...except, of course, the denial that love is not reciprocated. You pretty much have answered your own question. number one, he has the reputation of being a player. Two, he hasn't called when he said he would. He lied. Third, he stood you up. Fourth, he really upset you.
What is it you see in this ape anyway? If someone acts this way in the beginning of a courtship, when people are usually stand with their best foot forward, imagine what he would be capable of later on down the line, when his guard is let down? It is a wonderful feeling to hook up with a cute and CARING boyfriend. This fellow has already disqualified himself on both counts. (It is NOT cute to lead people on.)

Move on quickly,

ms X

Dear ms X
Help!!! Okay, I'm in desperate need of some advice, I just started cashiering at a local supermarket, and I work with super nice guy. The only problem is I have a boyfriend of 7 months (who might I add has just graduated, is really cute, and great. But this guy I work with, I don't know why, but I'm like completely obsessed with him. And it isn't b/c he is really cute or anything, actually he kind of acts gay. So what do I do??????? my boyfriend knows about him, b/c I always talk about him, and he thinks he has nothing to worry about, b/c he looks gay.

Thanks, Mel

Dear Mel
First of all, how do gays act? You are making an assumption based on this guy's charm that he is gay? Charismatic individuals are often labeled gay because of their appeal to both genders. Sometimes they are and sometimes they're not. Sometimes a fellow who is in touch with his sensitive side is thought to be gay by guys who are less comfortable with their own soft side. Whether he is gay or not is irrelevant. Sounds like you are just intrigued by this co-worker's personality.
Some people are just magnets and attract tons of friends. Before you go off chucking your current boyfriend, get to know this other young man and see what it is that you like about him. Perhaps he is destined to be a really good friend. One of the best gifts a young woman can give herself is a platonic male friend. Or, maybe there's more in store for the two of you. Reserve judgment until you know more about this guy and why you find him so interesting.

ms. X

Dear ms X
This guy I dated for a while suddenly dumped me. My friends said that he really likes me because he didnít totally ditch me, he just has to get around his family problems first, then he'll come back<-- even he said he was going to. But every adult or good friend I talked to said that was just a way to let me down easy. (just to let you know after he ditched me he never called, but he didnít do that much anyway. and he also lied to me saying heíd come to my Bday party and never showed up. His mother is also very rude to me when I tried to call, and wouldnít let me talk to him and made up excuses (maybe he told her to cuz theyíre really close) like :heís grounded or at work --which I know he wasnít. His mother and I used to talk to each other all the time and I thought she liked me, but now she doesnít.) Iím still hooked on this guy and its been almost 2 months. I can't talk to him because I can never find him. I want to figure this out... is he going to come back to me or should I just wake up and realize that all he did was let me down easy and learn to except the fact thats the way its going to be. Can you help me please???

Signed, Ditched

Dear Ditched
The difference between being ditched and dumped is...? Not to make light of your problem, but there are a lot of unknowns here. You say this fellow has some family problems and it seems upstanding that he is concerned about his family. They say a girl should judge a man by the way he treats his mother...if he is good to her and respectful then it is likely he will be that way with the other women in his life. So, he may just have his priorities in order and his family matters come first now. Do you wait and see? Well, don't put your own life on hold, but that's not saying you have to close the door to a relationship with him. Be there, but go on with your life as if you are uncommitted, and perhaps, when things straighten out for him, he will try to resume your relationship. If not, you haven't wasted any time.

ms X

Dear ms X,
I think I have a problem. Every time I get a new boyfriend the rumors start flying. Sometimes I'll hear that someone has said something like "Jana had sex with Mike" and automatically people believe it. I'm the only girl that they do this to, and I want to know how to get it to stop. I don't do the things that they say I do at all. I get good grades, and I do have friends. I feel like I should not be treated this way. If I can't find out a way for it to stop, my luck with boyfriends will be ruined until I move to another school. Please help if you can.

Signed, Jana

Dear Jana
Kids can be cruel, can't they? And, people love gossip, don't they? Unfortunately, you are being victim to malicious rumors...reacting to them will only make it worse, I think. All you can do is be yourself and some people will recognize that the rumors are false. As for the others, screw em. You are not going to please every last person on earth, nor is every single person going to like you or think highly of you. It is only important that you think highly of yourself.

Listen to your heart,
ms X




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