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THIS MONTHS DILEMMAS ~ August '00 page 2



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Marriage

Dear msX ~
I know this isn't exactly the right place to ask, but I will ask anyway just to see what happens. First of all Iím 22 in the Marine Corps and Iím stationed in Japan. Well I met this girl in Thailand and we have really fallen in love for each other and I want to know is that if we get married what legal papers or documents are needed to make this possible? So she can back to the states with me and Ďlive happily ever afterí!

msX says~
You have to speak to someone who knows the rules, both international law and army law. I am not that expert.
Good luck,
ms. X


Dating Problem

Dear msX ~
My friend has this problem. See, she's 13 and this guy is 19 but they both are very much in love. They want to date very badly but her mom is against the age difference. I tried giving her advise, and I might have helped a little, but my friend's mom dated someone that was 6 years older than her when she was a kid and had a bad experience, so she thinks that same is going to happen to my friend. I really need your help, Ms.X.
Wanting to help in Texas

msX says~
Why do you need my help? Are you afraid your source of entertainment is going to dry up if your friend chooses to listen to her very sensible mother? Get real. A thirteen year old is not ready for love and still has to listen to her parent. And, a nineteen year old who thinks he's in love with a thirteen year old has an elevator that doesn't quite make it to the top. And you need to focus on your own life.
ms. X


fighting friends

Dear msX ~
I have been friends with this girl for about a year or so and we were pretty close sometime but I am more of the timid fun loving type and she is always angry and thinks she wants to beat everyone up. She always thinks that she is better than everyone and she has to make that known. We didnít get along at the end of the school year and so for the summer we just have stayed apart but I know that she is gonna be in my school next year again with a new friend that I also donít get along with and I think they are going to make problems for me even though I donít want anything to happen. I just want to go to school and se my friends , do my work and make it through the year. this is worrying me so much though....what should I do? is there anything I can do? I thought of talking to her but she is not the type of person that you can talk to about this stuff.

msX says~
Your worrying isn't going to help the matter. Just leave it be and play each day as it comes. If you don't make issue about it, maybe she won't have the inclination or opportunity to beat on you. If you get to school and find you have a problem with her, speak to a dean or guidance counselor. Most schools have peer mediation programs that can turn enemies into best friends.
ms. X


love across the country

Dear msX ~
About 7 years ago I lived in a town in Florida. I moved to a town in Illinois.. I've always missed Florida.. but every summer I come down to visit. This summer was quite different. There was a church retreat thing that I was invited to go on w/ my cousins at their church. So , of course I went.. I broke up w/ my boyfriend that is just my best friend now.. its better that way, so I was single. I started flirting w/ the wrong guy.. and once I realized it.. I quit, then I was stuck on a water raft in a river sort of made thing and he laughed at me and got ahead of me. I got off my little float and pushed it til I passed him, so I beat him and then he got off the ride before me and was gentlemen enough to wait for me.. since the whole group left w/ out me.. but we caught up and the whole day we flirted.. starting out w/ a smile, then flirty, kiss on the hand, huggy type holding each other, to peck on cheek and you get the rest.. and the whole 2 hour ride back to the town he sat by me.. crying. and when I got home .. I remembered his gorgeous eyes.. and also my FAINT memory of my dream of a guy like him that told me he loved me .. like in future when I m out of college future.. and they both had the same eyes.. I have never felt this way before for anyone.. and iv been crying so much at night.. Iím so lonely w/out him.. and I might be moving.. hopefully closer to him.. but he told me .. he was messing around w/ a girl that he imagined was me til later saw that was dumb and told the girl that he loved me.. and she said that she didnít care.. and she kissed him . and he said he didnít mean that and he was begging for forgiveness .. Iím not sure if he was also messing w/ her and is making stuff up but I told him I forgive him.. even if he did id still be in love.. its safe to say I am in love.. even though I have spent only one wonderful day .. I LOVE HIM.. but I donít know what to do.. he lives so far away! should I have a long distance relationship.. or .. just forget it.. which I know is impossible .. I only bawl my eyes out every night so far for a week.

msX says~
Do you even have his address to initiate a correspondence? A phone number? If so, you have an open door for a possible long distance relationship. But, if you don't have one of the above, then you're crying your little heart out for a small sweet episode that was wonderful in its time, but hasn't any future.
ms. X


My friend

Dear msX ~
My friend Beth likes this guy but she's afraid he doesn't know she's alive. She knows stuff about him but he doesn't know her. She tries to smile and act cheerful when she sees him but her head goes blank and she forgets how to act. She doesn't want to tell this person how she feels even though she has plenty of chances to. She only knows him from afar but has found out many things about him, such as his phone #. This doesn't appear to be a normal type of thing that she will soon get over. She's hung up on this guy but doesn't know what to do. My advice seems to be of no help. She'll be a high school freshman this school year and he'll be a junior. She's concerned about the age difference. I can't blame her considering alot of juniors and seniors discourage others against dating freshmen. Any advice that you'd have to offer would be appreciated by both of us cuz I want her to be happy.

msX says~
Crushes like this are age-appropriate for high school freshman. Once she finds her niche in school and gets attention from other guys, she might forget about this guy. But, for now, she needs to like someone, and perhaps it is safer for her to like someone who is somewhat unattainable.
ms. X


Falling to Pieces

Dear msX ~
I really need advice. The hole thing starts that I get diagnosed with clinical depression. A friend of mine has been through all the junk I have and suffers still. But now it's gone overboard and everything's overwhelming with the loss of her mother to cancer. This happened while I was travelling in Europe.
How can I help her....and myself?

msX says~
Clinical Depression is a medical condition and you should be talking to your doctors. Talking is very therapeutic for some people, just being there and listening to your friend will be a great gift. You can't change what's happened, but you can both benefit from airing your feelings together. But, don't forget to inform your doctor whenever your symptoms or life situation changes.
Good luck,
ms. X


Losing my friends

Dear msX ~
The popularity game is catching up on one of my friends. And myself too. This girl, lets call her Ozzy, she is like the sister I finally found, and we've become best friends. Now she's too popular to be hanging out with us, and I really wish I could be in her spot. Schools starting on Aug 3, and I have no friends now, because Iím not Ďiní. And I am not the best at making new friends. Please help. Iím so down. I sleep almost all day and all night. I cry sometimes because I have nobody to talk to.

msX says~
Friendship shouldn't be a popularity competition. Good friends don't measure others by how many other people like them. If you reduce friendship to a voting booth, you're bound to be disappointed. Not everyone's going to choose you. Be realistic and choose friends for their qualities, not how many minions they have.
ms. X


clueless boyfriend

Dear msX ~
Me and my boyfriend have been dating for a year and some months, but for some reason he doesnít try to kiss me or anything in that feel. And I want him to!

msX says~
You could try kissing him.
ms. X


My so called dad.

Dear msX ~
I recently turned 18 and am now going to college really far from home. For graduation and my birthday, my dad told me that he would buy me a car so that I could get back and forth from my new home to school. I now live with my boyfriend and he has to drive me every day. We only have 1 vehicle and it is extremely hard to commute back and forth since his job is all the way opposite of my school. I asked for a car not just because I wanted one but because I desperately need one. The stress of my BF having to drive me all over is straining our relationship and also, he spends so much money for gas. My mother has paid for almost everything so far but my dad has not given me 1 penny. Even though he had promised to help me. He has the money. I know this because he goes on vacations a lot. It hurts me that he really does not care about my well being and my mom feels so bad. She cannot afford to pay for more than she already has. What should I do. I am desperate for an answer. Help!!!

msX says~
Talk to your father, clear the air, make sure there is not some misunderstanding on what the deal was. Then, if he doesn't come through for you, you can choose to be angry. Or you could get a job. Or you could take public transportation. But, maybe he will come through for you, if you just talk to him.
ms. X


What should I do?

Dear msX ~
Iím going to try to make this as short as possible. Ok, Iím 16. My boyfriend who is 19 has a drinking problem. We have been going out for a little over 3 years. I guess I never really noticed it because it didn't bother me. He has always drank at parties and when we go over to his house, his father lets him drink there too. I never minded. I don't live with him, so never saw it 24/7, but he seemed to be able to handle it and control himself while drinking, he never forced me to do anything or caused me any harm while drinking, so I never have said anything to him.

Here's the problem: Three months ago I gave birth to our son. Since my last trimester of pregnancy I have been noticing his drinking more and more. Now that the baby is actually here, it bothers me. When ever he comes over to see us, he reeks of alcohol, and when I take the baby over to his place, he is drunk. I don't want my son around that. I know it's his kid too, and yes he is a good father who supports us and makes sure the baby has everything he needs. But Iím scared. Babies cry a lot, and when my bf is drunk or has been drinking for awhile, the crying makes him agitated and I end up taking the baby home. What if Iím not around and he's watching the baby and he starts crying? Then what? I have tried to talk to him since the baby's come but when I mention it he gets angry and starts in on how Iím over reacting and am being too over protective. He's a good father and I love him, but the baby does come first. How do I get him to see he needs help? I won't have my baby growing up with an alcoholic father. Please help.

msX says~
You seem to have a very wise head on your shoulders and I commend you for being so mature to recognize this as a problem and act responsibly so early in your baby's life. Bravo! Lucky baby. But, I don't have any answers for you, you seem to be doing the right thing now. But, I would suggest you contact Al-Anon. They are an organization for families of people who abuse alcohol. You will get tons of information and possibly some healthy support from them and they are all over the world.
Good luck,
ms. X


Depressed Teen

Dear msX ~
Iím a depressed teen, I know I have a mental problem that can be fixed. And my parents donít care or donít think its a big deal. And they wont do anything about it. Ive tried to kill myself alot and thereís nothing much that I can do. I cut my wrist and let them see and they said they were going to do something about it but never did. And I cant stand my pain and suffering, I just want out of this world. What do I do.

msX says~
Talk to your parents or a counselor at school about seeking help. Immediately. No dramatic acts, just serious eye-to-eye discussion. You have to do this right away.
Good luck,
ms. X


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