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THIS MONTHS DILEMMAS ~ August '00 page 1



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Age difference??

Dear msX ~
I am going to be a senior in high school, and just wondering if it is better to be dating younger, older and girls in my own grade. I have had both younger and older lately but nobody my age. what is the best??

msX says~
Someone you like whatever their age. If it's only a year or two, no big deal, just find someone who knocks your socks off.
ms. X


Iím so very confused about this!

Dear msX ~
Well I wrote to you a while ago but then my problem changed a little bit. Well I have a few guys that I like a little bit. Well I have a few guys that really like me a lot and I like them too and don't know how to decide about who I like more. I like them all a lot. I like George, Chad, and Mark the most. But I do like Justin a little bit too. I seem to like George, and Mark more than I like the other 2 of them. George and Mark seem to always be able to make me laugh. Is it ok to be dating 4 guys at a time or is that even decent. Is so wrong to Date 4 guys and not even talk about them to each other. How do you let a guy go if you really don't want to hurt them real bad and make them feel like their not worth anything. How do you tell a guy that you just want to be friends with him and have them still want to be friends with you. Well also I have a problem with this guy that is neighbors with my grandparents. He's usually such a polite young man with everyone but lately he hasn't been so polite. All the guys I like are going to beat him up because every time he comes around me he forces me to kiss him. I have no problem with hugging him and I have no problem with kissing a guy but I don't like him like that I only like him as a friend. I tell him that and he tells me that I just don't know that I like him yet and he tell me he'll prove to me I do like him that way. But I don't see why Iíd like someone that wants to force a relationship with me when I don't want one with him. I don't think that is even right. Now whenever I visit my grandparents I have to make sure I carry something that can protect me because Iím afraid that he'll rape me and I don't want him to do that. I tell my parents, grandparents, and even his parents that he gets forceful with me but they just tell me he's a polite kid and that he wouldn't do that. I don't know what to do about any of this. It just confuses me so much If you could help I'd really appreciate it. I can't figure out anything right now.

msX says~
You like all this attention, don't you? There's nothing wrong with dating multiple fellows, but the only time you should talk about them to each other is if they ask and then only if you feel like it. It comes off as very manipulative when you tell one guy about another one and you wouldn't want to project yourself that way, would you? As for your grandmother's neighbor, if you feel threatened by his moves, make it a point to never be alone with him. Iím sure you can handle that. Otherwise, it might look like you are asking for trouble.
ms. X


In Love with Ms. Perfect

Dear msX ~
There is this girl that I have been friends with for a couple of years know and I am starting to fall for her. This girl is smart funny and beautiful. she is by far the most beautiful I have ever seen. How can I get her to talk to me more and to do more things together? Help please

msX says~
Talk to her, invite her to do something with you, ask her questions. If you are already friends with her, the door is open.
Good luck,
ms. X


Sex & relationships part 2

Dear msX ~
I wrote you a few weeks ago about having sex with my ex boyfriend. Well it appears that a new dilemma has arose out of the situation. Monday morning He, the ex, called me. The conversation wasnít to deep, just casual. The usual "whatís going on?" type stuff. I found out that he is actually leaving for Japan on August 3rd, a he asked me to write him and send him pictures. If I wasnít confused about him before, I really am now. I would think that he was just asking for a booty call except for the fact that he is in Cali and I am in OR. All my friends tell me that he is big trouble and not to Bellevue anything that he says to me, and that he is just playing me. I just donít know what to think. I hope that he isnít playing me, and part of me believes that he genuinely cares for me, but there is still that hurt ex girlfriend inside that says he is using me. Like I found out that while he was home on leave he went out on a date with this girl that he likes, this was before we had sex though. Supposedly he really like her, he even sent her flowers for valentines even though they are not dating and he is in another state. Its hard for me to truly understand because after we had sex we cuddled, and he held me, and he seemed like he wanted to be with me . . .shoot he even told me that he had missed me the night before. See we had sex on the last day he was in town. So that makes it seem like it was just a one time fling. I am just so confused about him, about my feelings for him, and my feelings for other guys. Is this just me still having feelings for my first love? I have also been wondering if this (my feelings) might have something to do with the way we broke up. See what happened is that he never actually told me that we were broken up, he told a friend who then told me. This happened summer after our junior year,3years ago. He was my first boyfriend, and I was his first girlfriend. While we dated we talked about our futures, and what would we do if we were still dating when he went to the marines. Sometimes I feel like he and I were meant to be together, other times, I just donít know. Thank you so much for any advice that you can give me, and thank you for listening.
~butterfly

msX says~
Sorry to say it, but I think you have to be realistic here. He's in Japan. Maybe you will correspond. Maybe he'll come back and visit you again. He may even fall in love with you in the future. But, for now, you have to assume that what you had, while special, did not hold any guarantees for the future. By all means, write to him, continue to be in his life, just don't get your hopes too high.
ms. X


Two Loves

Dear msX ~
My problem is that I am engaged to be married and I just found out that a very good friend of ten years also an ex-girlfriend is pregnant. When we first thought that she was pregnant we decided that if we could make things work we would be together but now I am supposed to be getting married but in all actuality my heart is still with my ex. The only problem with me going back to her is there are a lot of problems in that state none are with her but anyway back to the subject. I really love this woman and I also care about the woman I am with at the moment. I am so confused on what I should do. Should I go be with the ex like we agreed on or should I stay with the woman I am with now that I have only known for a short period of time? What should I do

msX says~
If the baby is yours, you should follow your heart back to your ex. Maybe even if it's not yours, that's what you should do. But, only you can make the decision. Just know that marrying someone out of obligation, be it your ex or your fiancé, is not the way to forge a happy relationship. I don't know about the problems you have in your state, but if she's the woman you truly love, don't lose her. You'll regret it later.
Good luck,
ms. X


I need help!!!!

Dear msX ~
I need some advice to help me with my boyfriend. Yesterday we were just hanging out, and my sister and her boyfriend were there too. My sister said something about my age and how I act older than I am, and then her and her boyfriend left to go on a walk. Then MY boyfriend got all quiet and didnít say n e thing and every time I asked him what was wrong, he said nothing. Then out of no where he goes, "I thought you were a year older than you are". And it hurt me so much, not because he didnít know how old I was, but because that was the reason he got all quiet. He is my first love, and this is something I cant change about myself. I asked him if he really cared ( he is almost 2 years older than I am, but only 1 year ahead of me in school) and he said that yeah he cared. I know for a fact he knew my real age when we started being together, because he was my best friend before he was my boyfriend. And I started to cry, and he got all apologetic saying how much he loved me and wouldnít let our ages ruin n e thing and that he didnít care the 1st time he saw me so why should he care now.. and stuff like that.. But now I am paranoid heís going to end it, and I donít know how to tell him that because he is just going to deny it, and I donít know what to do.. Should I end it myself? Because I don't know if I could bring myself to go that.. and I just really donít know.. so can you help me out?? thanks.. I would really appreciate it!

msX says~
Paranoia is not your friend. Lose it. Why can't you just accept what he says at face value and continue to enjoy your relationship with him? If he's going to end, he'll end it. Worrying about it isn't going to change the outcome. Except if you become so nudgy about it, you make him want to escape.
ms. X


Crazy About This Guy

Dear msX ~
I am crazy about this guy! Last year he was in my science class. But there is a problem, heís African-American, Iím white. Not that my parents donít like African-American people, but he doesnít like white people and even though he wouldnít tell me I know that he does. Problem is I told him that I like him and now I donít know how he feels about it. I have his phone number, but I donít know if I should call him or not. And if I do, what could I say?

msX says~
It's true that love transcends color, but that doesn't mean the reality disappears. This fellow may like white folks just fine, but he knows the extent of prejudice against inter-racial couples and he doesn't want to go there. Can you blame him? He'd get flak from both his own and white people for dating a white girl, and you'd get the same treatment. Why don't you visit the library and read some memoirs of people involved in inter-racial relationships just to get a more realistic view? Then, perhaps, you'll understand and not take it so personally that your classmate is being cautious.
ms. X


I donít know what to do for my friend!

Dear msX ~
My friend is in Love with her best friends third cousin but she feels awkward! I need help for her she does not know what to do!!

msX says~
I don't see a problem here. Just like I don't see why you're involved.
ms. X


Jeanette

Dear msX ~
Is Jeanette playing games or is she a true friend?

msX says~
I'm not psychic.
ms. X


Stuck in a rut

Dear msX ~
I really like this guy and Iím best friends with his sister and I want to ask him out. But on top of that I am really shy when it comes to talking to a guy that I like. How can I ask him out without feeling stupid or making my best friend feel weird. Please help me with this problem if you can because I am stuck in a rut.

msX says~
Why not just casually try to include him in activities you do with your friend? If you spend friendly time with him, you should be able to pick up signals from both him and your friend as to how they feel. Or, just ask him to accompany you somewhere you need an escort for, and first, of course, ask your friend if she'd mind.
ms. X


never been the same

Dear msX ~
I used to have this amazing boyfriend and well he left me for another girl. The breakup was extremely hard for me and even though he was really great about the whole thing and he didnít want to hurt me it did. I told him I couldnít be his friend anymore and he understands that but whenever we see each other we still stare a bit, and its just like I think we both have this feeling of confusion about what happened...because we did really care about each other. Every once in a while he will still call me. I seem to be as over him as I can get. I donít feel as if I want to get back with him or believe that it would ever happen. I donít think about him as much anymore and donít even have those harsh feelings against him like I used to. I have been with other guys since then and have even fallen for 1 of them. in the end though nothing works out and I have never felt quite the same way about anyone. Even people I feel strongly about never give me that same feeling and I cant stay happy with anyone anymore. So the question is this...After over a year of feeling...just not the same...how do I get myself to feel that way for someone again?

msX says~
It doesn't sound from your letter like you are really over him. Or, maybe you just expect your successive relationships to be like your relationship with him. Unrealistic. No two people are the same. You're not even the same person you were last year. You got betrayed. Adjust your expectations. Get rid of some of the barriers you put up after he hurt you. Learn to trust again.
ms. X


Lying

Dear msX ~
About a year ago I made up a story about this dream guy and told all my friends that I did all this stuff with him. The lie just got bigger and bigger but no one found out it wasn't true. Today, these older guys emailed me telling me they know its not true and I should just admit it. I denied that I lied and kept covering up the lie to make it sound more realistic. When I made the lie up I had said I was with my cousin and the guy said he knew my cousin and, supposedly, she said it never happened. I donít want to go off to high school and people think Iím a "dirty liar", as the guy put it, so I keep saying that Iím not lying. I feel so alone because Iím afraid to tell my friends it was a lie. Iím so mad at myself for making this whole thing up in the first place. Do you have any suggestions on what to do? I just am so afraid of being rejected by everyone if they found out through other people that I was lying. I mean I can't even talk to anyone about it-no one.

msX says~
Just drop it. The more you bring it up, the more people will remember it. Don't talk about it. Hang out with people who don't know about it and/or can forgive you a historical lapse in judgment. High School is a big place, not everyone is going to know about this if you don't tell them.
ms. X


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