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THIS MONTHS DILEMMAS ~ JULY '00 page 5



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He's getting 2 me!

Dear msX ~
I've known this guy since I was 4 (I am now 15) I used to fancy him a long time ago and so did he, he has started spreading rumours about me in our hangin' out place and is now ignoring me I am trying 2 let it not get 2 me but I can't help it! What should I do for revenge?

Dear He's Getting 2 Me,
Instead of revenge, how about a little honesty? Just confront him and ask him why he's telling tales. Then secure your reputation by telling the others the truth. Why would he be more believable than you? Try it.
ms. X


confused

Dear msX ~
there is this boy that I slept with recently who I really like. well he's always so distant from me like he's ashamed or something. anyway so other people that like me like I do him tell me he doesn't like me I don't know if it's true or if there trying to be with me but the point is I ended up kissing someone and he got really upset with me. he said he did like me but not anymore that how could I do that to him. but I didn't know he really liked me or I wouldn't have did that cause he's who I like and who I want to be with. please help. what do you think and what should I do?

Dear Confused 3,
It's good that you liked who you slept with. It's not good that you kissed someone you claim not to like. Even if you weren't involved with the first guy, you still shouldn't have been kissing someone you didn't like. I would say that he might have been using you from the start, but if he wasn't, that most certainly turned him off. How can he believe your sincere about him if you're willing to make-out with someone else just because he's there?
ms. X


In need of help

Dear msX ~
I got a crush on a girl and I have for the past 2 years, I want to ask her out on a date, but I am not sure whether sheís attracted to me or not. At this time we are only friends, when ever I go out with her and its just me and her she seems to be very nervous and is this good or bad? When we were walking I took her hand and just held it, and she allowed me to hold her hand, but seemed scared. She allows me to hug her and kiss her on the cheek on the head and she seems to like it, but again I am not sure. I have been to visit her at home many times and she has visited me at my home often as well. I know she likes me as a friend, but is she interested in being in a relationship with me. When we go out she fidgets a lot with her hair and she looks me in the eyes when we talk, are these good signs?? Please could you tell me whether I have a chance with her or not, because I donít know what to do and I donít deal well with rejection and I am very attracted to her.

Dear In Need of Help,
From what you're describing, it sounds like she likes you. If she didn't, why would she be spending so much time with you? People often get nervous when they're around people they like. You're describing the symptoms of a crush. You won't know unless you give it a shot and it sounds like you're halfway there!
Good luck,
ms. X


I Think I'm In Love

Dear msX ~
There's this guy I know and I really like him, I don't know if it's love. I'm only 15, he's 19, he educates me on life and helps me cope with matters I find important that he has dealt with at my age. He's so intelligent and very nice. He's really good friends with my brother and I told him how I felt once and he told me he thought he had feelings for me once.... once. I dunno, sometimes he seems like he likes me , he hugs me and is always there to listen, other times, (i don't know if it's me trying to not like him) but he's just like hey and than drives away.... well, I wish things could happen I love him, what do I do about it? I'm so lost....please write soon

Dear I Think I'm In Love,
Right now he is sensible enough to know you're too young for him. Whatever he's feeling, be it brotherly love or genuine attraction, the timing is wrong. Do some growing up with people your own age and maybe, in time, you'll be old enough for him and the feelings will still be there.
ms. X


Confusing

Dear msX ~
I have a problem my best friend is talking to this guy but they are not going out. The problem is that I like him a lot she tells me that she likes him but she really does not care about him as much as I do he tells me that he is looking for a girl but he doesnít want to do anything with my best friend because he says he doesn't like the way she is. they both don't know that I like him also I am talking to his best friend I like him but I don't like the way he treats me, so I want to go out with the one my best friend is talking to but I don't want to mess my friendship with her I really like this guy and I think we could make a cute couple please help me should I tell one of them. I really want to date him. but I don't know what all three of them would think of this. the one I am talking to says he likes me but doesnít want to go out with me. he is also a player, I really need your help on what to do.

Dear Confusing,
So he told you he didn't want to go out with you or your friend. How are you going to interpret this? Well, I think he means he doesn't want to go out with you. But you can keep pushing and make everyone angry with you if you like. No one is forcing you to talk to his friend. If he treats you badly, that makes you a fool. And, if you know someone is a player, don't expect anything different from them than that.
ms. X


too pretty!

Dear msX ~
All except 1 of my boyfriend's friends think my best friend is absolutely gorgeous, even though I have a boyfriend, I feel ugly & try and not bring her to wherever the boys are going to be. some people say I am prettier but I know they only say it to be nice. I feel like I am in competition all of the time & am always jealous of her but she is a wonderful friend & I couldnít live without her. Why am I being so stupid? And why cant I just accept it and be happy for her?

Dear My Best Friend is too Pretty,
A little jealousy is being human. Enough to make you leave a friend out is out-of-control. There are all kinds of people in this world with different ideas of beauty and different kinds of beauty. Sometimes you can be the belle of the ball and sometimes you can't. It depends greatly on the audience. If you value your friendship, learn to curb your jealousy. BTW, jealousy is a very ugly emotion and it shows on the outside.
ms. X


Flirt

Dear msX ~
there is this girl who continually flirts with me and calls all the time, I enjoy it but she already has a boyfriend, what do I do?

Dear Bothered by Flirter,
Flat out ask her why she's calling you all flirty when she has a boyfriend.
ms. X


Two Guys

Dear msX ~
I have a boyfriend who is great and I care about him alot and he cares about me and I donít want to lose him. I also know this other boy though that I used to like and I even went out with him for a while but when we broke up I still had feelings for him. He told me a couple times that he liked me still and I continued to have feelings for him throughout the rest of the year but didnít want to get caught up with him again because I was too scared to be hurt again. The only thing is that now he is moving and we told each other that we really care about each other and he even seems to want to make something of this. I donít know what to do because if he leaves and I never get to be with him this way I know I will regret it but what if I get hurt because I am deeply in love with him and he is living hundreds of miles away. Also whenever I try to talk to him about it he says that we should take it day by day and we only have like 1 month left before we leave...I donít know what to do about this and on top of it all I donít want to ruin the relationship with my boyfriend because he will be here when the other guys leaves and I do care about him. In the end though I know I will regret it if I donít try to make this work with the other guy. What should I do?

Dear Two Guys,
There are no shoulds in the realm of love. Follow your heart. I can't promise you won't be hurt, but you won't live to regret it either. I like the day-by-day idea, trying to control the future tends to eclipse our todays.
ms. X


Hurt and ready to move on?

Dear msX ~
I transferred schools 6 months before it let out because I was harassed at my old school for a year and a half. I met this guy at my new school, we hit it off right away, and we eventually became best friends. But lately, he's been doing some things that really hurt me. He's told my secrets, taken his problems out on me, and yelled at me for things I don't do. He always apologizes and asks me to give him one more chance to prove what a good friend he can be. He says that there should be never ending chances in a friendship and not 3 or 4, but after 3 or 4 it starts to hurt and it makes you wonder. His excuses are that he wasn't thinking, he doesn't know why he did what he did, he's having a hard time and he doesn't know why, he just messed up, etc, etc...I don't think we should continue this friendship because I don't trust him anymore. I mean, I don't hate him, and sure I'd like to be friends, but how do I drift away without hurting him as bad as he hurt me?
Hurting terribly

Dear Hurt and Ready to Move On,
You shouldn't have to hang around someone who is toxic to your emotional health just because you don't want to hurt them. Try a little honesty, then tell him you need a little distance. See if time and space don't either bring back the trust or ease the separation. Breach of trust is a killer of friendships, you have a right to be angry.
ms. X


Missing PDA

Dear msX ~
I have been dating my boyfriend now for almost 8 months. I love him and I know he loves me but he doesnít ever show any PDA! He says he feels uncomfortable with it and I know his parents aren't affectionate in public either but PDA is very important. How can I get him to feel comfortable with it? All I want is for him to hold my hand every once in awhile or put his arm around me or give me a peck on the cheek. We are fine when we aren't in public but I cant get him to do anything around people like at the mall or just hanging with his friends and some of his friends have girlfriends and they arenít afraid to show PDA so I donít know what the problem is? how do I get him to show some PDA?! PLEASE HELP ME

Dear Missing PDA,

Some people are just not comfortable with public displays of affection. If he isn't and you are, maybe you're mismatched. Or, maybe you should think why it is so important that he physically demonstrate his feelings for you in front of other people. Is he really just an ornament so you can look desirable in front of your friends? You probably can ease him into holding your hand, but if he's been brought up in a more conservative setting, he may never be comfortable kissing you in public. Think about what you really want. The boyfriend for himself or for everyone knowing you have his affection?
ms. X


best bud blues

Dear msX ~
I have been friends with her for 7 years. She is good friends with a guy I like. She treats us both really bad, but we can't stop being friends with her 'cause that would mean more problems. The guy doesn't know I like him, I think our best connection is talking about our problems with Her. I can't talk to her about him 'cause that makes her even more mad.

Dear Best Bud Blues,
If she treats you badly, then the friendship is bogus, no? If that be the case, then why not just tell him how you feel and see what happens? The worse thing that could happen is he could tell you he prefers being treated badly and, if that's the case, then you don't want him.
ms. X


Overprotected

Dear msX ~
I live with my mother. Even though my mother is raising me, she tries so hard to keep me safe. I can't date (I can sorta understand that), I am too young to catch the bus, walk to the library a block away, can't walk around the corner from my house, I can't go outside unless my mothers home, can't open the door. I have a bed time, it is 10:00 even on a Saturday. I am in the eleventh, I am 15 but I started school early. I cry at night because all my friends get to go to places. I wanted to go to a concert, she told me I could go, but she has to be there with me. I am almost out of school, and my life is boring. I can't do anything because my
mother never gave me a chance to explore the world. I never in my life disobeyed my mother, I am not a rebellious child. I get good grades. I am on the honor roll. I am miserable. I fault her for my depressions. She does not understand. Could you give advice before I blow. Also she is not one of the parents you could really tell your feelings. Because she will tell you that she doesn't want to here it. So please help me.

Dear E****,
Your sincerity comes through in your letter and I sympathize with your desire to widen your scope and see more of the world. Are there activities you could do with your school or your church that would satisfy those urges for now? Sometimes being connected to an organization, like church or school, legitimizes the social end for parents. Or, you might want to try doing some volunteering. It would get you out and exposed to new people, surely your mom couldn't object to your volunteering to tutor in a youth center. In the meantime, if your mom is that unapproachable by you, then maybe you can enlist another grownup to speak to her on your behalf. I know it seems like a long way off, but you'll be grown and on your own before you know it. Mom seems to have good intentions, she just might not see that kids need to be kids.
ms. X


my crush

Dear msX ~
I have this biggest crush to a certain guy but I donít know if the feeling is mutual.......

Dear Crush,

You could always ask him.
ms. X


mixed signals

Dear msX ~
I have a friend who I have been on and off with for awhile now he lives far away from me now and I still have feelings for him. He just came to visit for 2 weeks and I went to see him and he said he was interested in me for like a relationship but all he wanted to do was have sex. I told him he was a player and then we got in several more fights and I just found out today that he already went home and I never actually got to say goodbye. I feel like I screwed up this whole relationship but I don't know if I could trust him if I had sex w/ him. So I told him that and he was mad, now I'm worried that this is going to change everything for us. What should I do or say when I talk to him next time?

Dear Mixed Signals,
Okay, he told you all he wanted was to have sex. You said, no sex without a relationship. He left, not accepting your deal. Now you think you want to accept his terms? He was quite upfront about what he wanted. Believe him. If you want to just have sex with him, fine. If you want more, don't delude yourself.
ms. X


different sized

Dear msX ~
I know a few people whose breasts are different sizes(one bigger than the other).. I wanted to know if they ever even out.

Dear Different Sized,
In the growing process, there's more unevenness that seems to equal out after puberty. If you're distressed about it, ask a doctor. But, even grownup woman boobs are not always perfectly matched.
ms. X


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