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THIS MONTHS DILEMMAS ~ JULY '00 page 4



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cheating gf and what sheís doing to me
when Iím already pretty depressed

Dear msX ~
Recently Iíve been going through some very very tough times, for one I totaled my father's car and Iím only 14; two weeks ago on a Monday night at 2-30 am. This follows to a long story with more detail but it is far too long, the main part though is that this gave me a fair amount of depression, but my girlfriend who I originally only hooked up with her and got 3rd the first night helped me get through stuff and we became closer after the crash at least I know that I did I know she might have, 3 days later a summer course that we were both in started the Thursday after the accident. The next day Friday I was waiting at a gas station for her for nearly an hour, and finally she showed up with a message from this junior cause she just saw him saying he said hi, and then 5 minutes later when I asked her to look for a number in her cell's phone book and she said that his cell number was in there just to let me know. At the time I didnít think anything but she said that pretty randomly and I wouldnít even notice if it was there since it's with about 70 other numbers. she said she also had to talk with her dad and that was why she was so late, but I had called her at her dads house about 5 times when I was waiting. Then I was grounded so I didnít see her Saturday and Sunday. Then Monday night we were supposed to do something but she paged me and said she couldnít do anything, and didnít even give a explanation for it. Then Tuesday I was with her all day and nothing really happened. The next day I went away to hockey camp for 5 days. While I was there her cell phone was a free call from a pay phone so I called her a lot and ended up just leaving stuff on her voicemail, and would talk to her maybe once a day. The Saturday I was at camp I ended up leaving about 5 messages, and I even checked to see if she got them because she told me her voicemail password, and I also ended up hearing a message from her dad saying its been 12 hours since I talked to you, where are you. Finally later that night I called her around 10 [w/ out getting paged] and got her and we just talked and I told her I went into her voicemail to check my messages I left, and she said that supposedly there was a problem since she didnít get any messages that day and she changed her password. up till now I didnít suspect that she might be cheating until I got home Sunday night and was talking to my friend and he first asked if I was still going out with her, then when he found out I was he let me know that she had been with that junior while I was gone, and that that kid had also called his house looking for her cell number... this is when I got suspicious. I called her house around 6 and got her on the phone, all weekend she hadnít even said a thing about being with this kid, which she may have if she really was just with him. The call was short cause I had to talk with my mom about what had happened since she got home the sat while I was at camp from Mexico, but I stopped myself about telling her. I did tell her though that I was feeling kinda suicidal. Her cell phone has caller id so she can easily screen calls and then her service isnít really that good like there arenít to good signals sometimes, like if its her father and she is doing something she shouldnít be, or if she is with someone who she shouldnít be.... then I tried to commit suicide that night but I stopped only because I thought if I did live I didnít want to get a infection from the blade. The reason for the attempt though was because my friends had bailed out on me and I felt they could care less about me, and my parents too, then for a while I felt my gf was the only one who did until I found out about what I cant prove yet but I only am almost positive there is something going on. this made me give the suicide an attempt. I stopped and I wanted to do it bad but I knew it wasnít worth it even if it was the easy way out of life, I did that around 9-30 to 10. she paged me with her cell number 1/2 hour later and said she just did it because of what I said about suicide. I told her nobody cared about me in this world and she said she did but the whole time she was giving me reasons not too I was only thinking of how full of b.s. she was saying it all. I told her at one point that I always keep something to myself if its going to only have a huge affect on society, at least for my world. Then she asked me if I had been thinking about us breaking up and I said yeah at one point but I never said when.....and I just said everyone gives a though of what it would be like if their relationship stopped. anyway off her cell phone with me cause supposedly she had to go to bed at 11...I have no clue why she did it whether it was to call that junior or if I was making her feel so bad, I know tho8ugh she didnít go to bed at 11. I didnít see or talk to her until the next morning when she was going to sign in for our history class and she gave me kind of a weird look. I just pretended all that day that it wasnít happening until when she was waiting outside a store for me and we had just figured out what we were doing that night that she just closed her cell the second I walked out. she said she was just checking her messages but 1/2 later I just pretended I was making a call and I pressed redial and the name of this kid and his pager number showed up. about for hours later she got a call, and she was saying it was her mom and talking like her mom only at first after she said hi mom she had to repeat 3 times that she was with me and what me and her were doing that night.... the number I was going to check out but I didnít get to use her phone again that night, I talked to her after we got home though around 11 and randomly said the kids name and she in a way pretended she didnít know him to well but he has a name thats not like there might be another one like it, she said finally after the fake conversation that she knew who I was talking about. Now we're up to yesterday the 4th of July, I watched her with the phone all day until 4 thirty so I know she did nothing, then I was with her all that night. right now as I right this though I almost had another breakdown because she wasnít answering her cell when she was at a place that usually has a perfect signal. nobody answered and Iíve had no pages and we were supposed to do something at three and I was supposed to call her on her cell when I got home, and I have for a long time but no answer not even when I use *67 to screen my name on caller id, which her father also does. right now Iím just wondering if I should wait until I her more about how she might be with him like another time when she got seen with him, go on and finish the course that we're taking together then break up, confront her with it, or just go on with it right now since when I found out Saturday night I drew our closeness away but I still feel it like trust and everything, or of course the one that I thought about Sunday night which is suicide since I feel no one actually seriously cares about me. The problem though I have is that Iím afraid of the truth, and I know it but I donít want to know what the truth might be cause I know it will make our relationship even worse and if it breaks then I know Iíll hit a low low place and that no one will be there for me, my mother took me off of anti depressants recently because she said I shouldnít rely on them, and my psychiatrist just helped me almost none right after the car and he is on vacation right now. I have no clue what to do next, so please just help me out
-bry

Dear Bry,
You're not going to get the kind of help you obviously need on the internet. Not from me. You need to see someone, face-to-face, who can treat you as a patient. It is not okay to base your whole reason for living on one person. It is an awful position to put them in, much as you may think you are doing it out of love. Since you're only fourteen, I can't imagine her being older. A fourteen year old girl is not supposed to be tied down to just one guy, certainly not to the extent that she is responsible for his entire emotional well-being. These are the beginning of the dating years for you guys, which is about going out with lots of people to find out what you really want. Your possessive approach, while good for police work, is indicative of much greater problems. Talk to your mother, your shrink, someone, and get some serious professional help.
ms. X


Sex & Relationships

Dear msX ~
Well, up till 3 days ago I was a virgin. My ex boyfriend, who was my first love, was home from the Marines for 2 weeks. One night we went out to dinner and when he dropped me off at home we ended up having oral sex. I felt kinda weird about it, since he was my ex, but at the same time it felt right. Well the next day he came over after he got of work, and we were talking in my room when the next thing I knew were were kissing, and then we had no clothes on, and I was telling him to put a condom on. I am not quite sure what I need advice about, I guess to see if I am a horrible person for giving up my virginity to my ex boyfriend, who was not a virgin. I was also wondering if it would be okay to try and get in touch with him. He is leaving to go over seas in October, and I would like to establish communication between the two of us, but I am not sure if I have a right. Would it be okay to do that? Thank you very much for any advice that you can give me.

Dear Sex & Relationships,
You couldn't have known this, but you're supposed to establish the ground rules before you have sex. This doesn't make you a horrible person, honey, but you have every right to honest answers from any person you sleep with. Talk to him and find out where his head is.
ms. X


I want the guy from NY

Dear msX ~
I have a really bad problem...!!!! Ive had sex with my boyfriend but he's moving in a couple weeks. The guy that I am in love with lives in NY, and I feel incredibly guilty for having a boyfriend. I promised the guy from NY that I wouldn't do anything more sexual with my boyfriend, well yesterday I did, I donít know what came over me, I do really love him a lot, and I know he trusts me. But should I tell him the truth?? I also have another problem, I met this guy in May and I was going out with him for a long time long distance, but then I broke it off and I told him that we should start dating when we can see each other more. I just sent him a e-mail telling him about how I plan to be with the guy from NY when he moves here. I don't know how he'll react because he constantly says that he's in love with me. He knows that I have a boyfriend and he doesn't seem to care. I told him that I really do like him and I do. The truth is that I do know who I want and it's the guy from NY, but if I keep screwing up like this that is never going to become a reality. PLEASE HELP ME....thank you so much for reading this

Dear J***,
If you really want the boy from New York City, then act like it. But, if he's just a pipe dream, you cannot stop your life for someone who lives so far away. Think about what you really want and then act appropriately.
ms. X


Problems

Dear msX ~
I am a psychological technician Supervisor. I work with Adolescents. The team is having problems. Let's see, first of all Staff here donít have much education, High school diploma, if any. Ex gang member as a supervisor also admits of been an ex drugie. We have very educated Doctors, Clinicians, Therapist's. The ex drugie runs four 10 hour days, runs his own program. Not following what the Doctors order. This person has also been reported for sexual harassment. And this man is still aboard. Any advice?

Dear Problems,
There must be someone in authority that you can tell this to. A city or state agency that is responsible for your center? Tell it to them, but first find out what the rules are.
ms. X


living with my sister

Dear msX ~
I have been living with my sister, her husband, and their four children for a number of years. I'm the godmother of their youngest four years old child boy to whom I have always shown affection and given love. He has always pretended I was his mother although he knows it's not true and sometimes behaves or express feelings of possessiveness towards me, but I am facing a problem now that I don't know how to solve. For a few months now he has developed a strong fixation on my feet. As soon as I come home from work he wants me to take off my shoes so he can put both my feet on his cheeks where he keeps them in a strong grip. When I'm in the bathtub he comes in and just sits on a chair and keeps looking at my feet, totally mesmerized. If I don't let him in the bathroom he waits for me outside and asks to behold them or kiss them as soon as I'm out of the shower. In the evening when we're all watching TV, he sits and plays with my feet for hours. His father has already told him to stop and he didn't. I feel very uncomfortable about this situation ; I often wear socks to escape with foot worship. I want him to stop but I don't know what to tell to a four years old boy without hurting him. Besides I wish I knew the meaning of his ambiguous behavior ; is it a sexual deviance ? Can it be erotic for this kid ? Is he expressing fear, anxiety, insecurity, possessiveness ? Is it due to me living with my sister and her family ? I'm totally lost, please help.

Dear Totally Lost,
I haven't a clue what to tell you. Try consulting a child psychologist. You haven't done anything, so don't feel guilty. Kids sometimes fixate on stuff, but do check it out with a professional.
ms. X


teenage sexuality

Dear msX ~
I have a step-daughter that made a penis out of balloons and took several pairs of her brothers underwear -- she was thirteen and also had a urinary tract infection at the time -- her mother took her to a counselor who said she had not been sexually abused -- so the situation was dropped -- now at 14 -- I have found a bathing suit and long underwear that she has cut a slit into right at the groin -- can you explain what is going on -- I am afraid to say anything because I was shunned after the last discovery. Thanks

Dear Teenage Sexuality,
It wouldn't hurt to consult a professional, better safe than sorry. But, adolescents can be normal and still act strangely. Check it out.
ms. X


All of the above!!!

Dear msX ~
I live in Texas where the law is that at the age 17 you can move out of your house. I was being abused by my mother and decided it was time to move out. My best friend let me move in with her. I try to not let it get to me but I feel real guilty for everything. I have had police come to her door twice this week to remove people from her property. They were there because of me. The friend I now live with is not used to such happenings. I feel that ever since I moved in I have stressed her out. she says that it is not me but I was raised to feel guilty. My boyfriend lives with us too. I stopped talking to him for a while trying to cool down when things got out of hand and he ran off for a half an hour. I walked all around my neighborhood to find him. I am not sure if it is a good idea to stay but I have no other place to go. Is it my fault that life sucks or is that just fate?

Dear All of the Above,
You're a guest in your friends house, you should feel guilty for inviting in a bad element. Unless you are paying your share, be gracious and play by her rules. Life is what you make it. If you choose to hang around with losers and perpetuate your depression, then that's what it's going to be. But, you can change your life. Think about what you want for real and go for it. Dream a little, make a plan for the future, and go after it. Sitting around with freeloading losers isn't going to get you places in life. Dream big.
ms. X


Best Friend?

Dear msX ~
My best friend is always balling out on me. Her mom changes her mind all the time keeping me from Ever getting together with her. What should I do?

Dear Bailing Best Friend,
Find some other friends. Obviously, she has other obligations, maybe not of her choosing, but real nonetheless. It's always good to have back-up. The more, the merrier.
ms. X


really pale

Dear msX ~
I am really pale & stuff & alot of people make fun of me 4 it...even friends I donít know what 2 do cuz they call me names like Casper the ghost & everything!! its getting way outta hand I cant tan u only get burnt & I cant bye fake tanners or sunless cuz I wouldnít be allowed & it would be 2 obvious HELP!

Dear Casper,
There are all different concepts of what constitutes beauty, and both cultural and individual preferences. In some cultures, pale skin is considered the epitome of beauty, partly because it was a sign of high class, meaning you weren't working the fields like a peasant. Right now, your paleness stands out and kids will pick on things that are different. One day you may see your fairness as an asset, something that makes you get noticed when you walk into a room, noticed for your beauty. Hang in there for now. Learn to choose colors that enhance your complexion and try to see it as something that makes you an original.
ms. X


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