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THIS MONTHS DILEMMAS ~ JUNE '00 page 2

 

18 year old daughter

Dear msX ~
My problem is my 18 year old daughter. She is beautiful, funny and intelligent. The problem?, she doesn't tell her parents the truth. We find just as the trust begins to build again she tries to pull something behind our backs and it destroys our trust. She has been caught in out in out lies. She also doesn't understand how painful it is to a parent to deal with this. This child is 18, she should know right from wrong and respect for her parents wishes, but it doesn't appear so. We have offered a get away weekend at a resort with additional girlfriends, with the rules stated up front no boys allowed. We found out some have been invited and now are probably going to pull the trip. We don't want to do this. This is important to us to be able to give this, but we feel we can't with the deceit we have found. Should we let her go if she promises no boys? Do we trust? Please give me your opinion. Thank you, JH

Dear Mother of 18 Year Old,
She is not a child anymore. You have to trust that you brought her up to the best of your ability and she is now her own person. By law, she is allowed to make her own choices. Not that you have to pay for the resort or condone her choices. But understand, that when you insist on her playing by your rules, you make her into a liar. If you're able to allow her to be the adult she is, you may not always like her choices, but you won't be asking her to lie to you. Do you want to control your daughter's flight or do you want her to strengthen her own wings? That isn't even your choice to make.
ms. X


I don't understand

Dear msX ~
Okay, I've been eating way more than I usually do for about three weeks cuz Iím getting more hungry, and I've lost some weight. I don't understand. Can stress make you do that? Eat more and lose? Cuz Iím kinda stressed right now. Well, would you please explain this to me? Oh, also, Iím not throwing up or any of those food-disorder things.

Dear Eating More,
Stress can make you do lots of things, eating (or not eating) included. But, perhaps you went overboard with the diet and your body is telling you to fatten up? Talk to a medical person if you can't get it under control yourself.
Good luck,
ms. X


failing

Dear msX ~
I have a major problem . I was failing two classes and I didn't know if I was going to summer school or not so I started to trust god with my problem. I really donít want to go in the same grade again what should I do?

Dear Failing,
Trusting in God is a great start, but you really need to study. God can help you, but is not going to take the test for you.
ms. X


get a girl

Dear msX ~
how do I get a girl 2 like me

Dear Wants a Girl to Like Him,
Be yourself. It is no use putting on an act to attract someone, if you need to sustain the act to keep them.
ms. X


Just not pretty

Dear msX ~
I have a very low self esteem and I am very depressed! This kid always makes fun of me call me UGLY and stuff like that and I cant stand it anymore! Next year I am going to high school and I keep praying that things get better. What should I do! HELP!!!

Dear Just Not Pretty,

In high school, you will have an entirely different audience. So you have an opportunity to change your image before you start. Think about the things you don't like about yourself and the things you do like. Accentuate the positive. Downplay the negative. Give yourself a mental makeover and refuse to allow others to define you. This change of schools is an opportunity for you to do things differently.
ms. X


Felicity

Dear msX ~
what's ruby from felicity's real name?

Dear Ruby from Felicity,
Not a clue. When you find out, let me know. Try asking on the
Felicity message board.
ms. X


unhappy

Dear msX ~
I am unhappy. I think about suicide all the time but Iíd never do it because I don't want to hurt my friends and family. I don't know what to do to make it better but I need something now. I just wish Iíd go to sleep and never wake up. I want to go to a psychologist, but Iím leaving to go back to school in a couple months and I don't want to switch over to another one right when Iím starting to get somewhere. If something doesn't happen Iím going to alienate my boyfriend and lose him, fail out of school, and I don't know. Iím just messed up I guess.

Dear Thinks about Suicide,

Suicide is a permanent answer to a temporary problem. Things always turn around. Show some patience and get to counseling now. You are too important to have to wait until you go back to school. Do it now. If you still need counseling in the Fall, your home therapist can find you one near school. But, please don't wait on such big feelings.
ms. X


Please Help Me.

Dear msX ~
I am a 15 year old girl, and I have found myself in a very uncomfortable position. I have not had sex, but I am scared that I may be pregnant. I skipped my period this month, and my lower stomach is getting bigger. If I press on it, it hurts. I think something is swelled or something. How can I tell if I am pregnant without buying a test? What can I do? I am scared to be pregnant. I have never had sex. But I have a feeling about it! What can I do? PLEASE HELP ME!!

Dear Please Help Me,
You need to see a doctor. Now. It could be any one of a number of things, not necessarily serious. If you're sure you never had sex, then you need to find out why you have these symptoms. The only way you're going to find out and take care of it is to see a doctor. Do it.
Good luck,
ms. X


No Real Relationships

Dear msX ~
Iím 18, and I havenít really had that many boyfriends, or better-said, serious relationships. So far all of my relationships have been pretty harmless, I mean nothing serious was going on, and I was just wondering why I haven't had the courage to get really close to a boyfriend. It seems like Iím a totally different person when I have a boyfriend. I try to be and look perfect in every possible way. I donít even eat in front of guys that I've fallen for. Why is that?

Dear No Real Relationships,
What's your rush? Maybe you just haven't meant someone who you can be yourself with. Finding the right person makes all the difference. When that happens, all the rules change and the only thing that will matter is your time together. Right now, you're just practicing.
ms. X


Is our love fizzling?

Dear msX ~
My boyfriend works very hard at his job, he always comes home tired. Earlier on in our relationship he got frustrated with me because I was distant when he mentioned marriage. So I wrote a long letter about how I do eventually want to marry but was distant because I wasn't sure if he was serious. Lately, he's been really distant. He says he's tired and wants to go to bed 30minutes into a phone call. I tell him I love him, he does say it back. Iím trying so hard to please him but it feels like Iím getting nowhere. Should I confront him about it? If so, how should I go about it?

Dear Is Our Love Fizzling,
Give the guy a break. He's working hard. Don't make yourself into a second job. Show a little more understanding and let him sleep. You'd please him more by allowing him to put his needs first on occasion. His distance might only be fatigue.
ms. X


Shakespeare

Dear msX ~
Bottom in the book A Midsummer Nights Dream by William Shakespeare, is he a negative person or positive . Please explain why

Dear Midsummer's Night Dream,
Do your own homework.
ms. X


friend

Dear msX ~
I used to be the bestest of friends with this one kid for my whole life. we started to grow apart though as our relationship became worse, now he is having a party and I am not invited, how should I feel and what should I do?

Dear Friend
I know your feelings are hurt that you were disincluded from your former friend's party, but get over it. There is no correct way to feel, your own feelings are valid no matter what they are. But, you don't need to be sharing those hurt feelings with everyone. What you should be doing is making new friends.
ms. X


Sister's Advice

Dear msX ~
My Boyfriend and I have been dating for almost a year(exactly eleven months and two days),and my sister thinks that we should date other people for a while then get back together, because it will make us want each other more. One of my ex's has come back into my life as a friend and sometimes we flirt. What do you think, should I follow my sisters advice or not?

Dear Sister's Advice,
Is your sister usually on the money about things? If you trust her advice, take it. She knows the parties involved much better than Ms. X. But, you really shouldn't be relying on other people to make your decisions for you. What do you really want to do?
Think about it.
ms. X


daughter's choices

Dear msX ~
I am not a teen, but a mom. My problem is that my daughter insists on a friendship with a guy who has treated her badly in front of her friends twice. I thought that maybe she had had enough and would get smart, but she hasn't. I get really angry when he calls, but it turns out that she is doing the pursuing and calling him. I found this out by reading her e-mail which I know is wrong. She tells us what we want to hear but now Iím seeing she is the one doing the pursuing. Now I don't trust her to tell me the truth. We have had an excellent communicative relationship up until now. This guy is tearing us apart. He loves the thrill of the chase, and then he dumps her. My daughter is a smart, beautiful, witty girl. Why is she determined to make this loser hers? HELP!!

Dear Mother,
You can advise your daughter, but if she is an adult now, you cannot insist. Sometimes adults have to learn from their own mistakes. If you want to keep your relationship with your daughter, try giving her the chance to make choices on her own. She's never going to learn if you keep making them for her. You may not like this guy, but you are giving your daughter lots of reasons to keep him, if only to assert herself from a controlling environment. You have to trust that you brought her up well.
ms. X


slutty

Dear msX ~
I have a problem with saying no to guys. Iím only 14 and am sexually active, and do it on 1st dates. I never mean to, it just kind of happens. Some other people told me I cant say no cuz I have a low self esteem and are scared of rejection. Please help me, tell me ways to say no to sex and drugs. Iím trying to clean up my act

Dear Slutty,
Don't put yourself in situations conducive to having sex before you're ready. Not everyone has to like you or want you, get over it. Don't confuse having sex with being liked. Guys will have sex with girls they don't even know, much less like, if invited. It is no proof of caring. And it feels like garbage when you're being used, doesn't it? Talk to a counselor at school. You need a little help in working on ways to feel good about yourself that don't endanger you or make you feel even worse in the long run.
Good luck,
ms. X


A single mom in need of advice.

Dear msX ~
I have a preteen at 13. who's on the road to destruction. I am trying to get her on the right track. Can you tell me how? What can I do to encourage her to do right? How can I help her deal with peer pressure?
A single mom in need.

Dear a Single Mom,
Enlist the aid of the professionals at your daughter's school to get her into some counseling programs for at-risk teens. Know her friends and activities without breaking her trust. Be there to listen to her without being judgmental. Make sure she understands that her actions have consequences. A good guidance program will work with parents as well as students. Talk to the counselor at her school before school ends. Use the school resources to get your daughter the counseling and support she needs at a very rough age.
Good luck,
ms. X


Best Friend's Boyfriend

Dear msX ~
my best friends boyfriend just broke up with her for me and I like him a lot. He asked me out what should I do?

Dear My Best Friend's Boyfriend,
Depends on a couple of factors...does your friend still like him? Do you value the friendship more than you like him? Ask your friend how she feels and be prepared to back off if she says it'll bother her. Also, consider that he is making moves on you more because of who you are to her than who you are to him. Think about it.
ms. X


Suicidal Friend

Dear msX ~
I have a friend who has many problems in his life. Heís been in therapy and been on anti depressants. As of now he's no longer on medication, but he told me today that he has been seriously considering suicide. He has many problems that involve his family though he doesnít really give specific details all the time. Throughout this school year my friends and I have been there to support him, but there really hasnít been much we can do. I think that we need an adult to help us with this, but his parents seem to be part of the problem. I think my parents would help out but Iím also afraid that he could get very angry at me for telling them about his problems. My friends and I want to help him but where do we start?

Dear Suicidal Friend,

Better to tell and have him angry than to not tell and find him dead. Get an adult involved immediately. If not your parents, then someone from the school. Immediately. It is better to make a mistake and overreact, than to ignore any signs.
Good luck,
ms. X


help confused

Dear msX ~
ok there is this boy that likes me but I donít like him and he wants to make out with me and I donít want to make out with him cause its my first kiss and I donít want him to be my first kiss. and I donít no what to do

Dear Help/Confused,
Just say no. You don't have to kiss anyone you don't want to.
ms. X


analyze this !!

Dear msX ~
okay, so I was told that I am a depressant and that I have major mood swings....how do I deal with this stuff. sometimes it becomes mega stressful and out of control to the point that I begin to analyze everything. I have not gotten help for this yet but I was wondering...do I really need it or is it all in my head??

Dear Analyze This,
Even if it is all in your head, what's the big deal about seeking outside help? Sometimes analyzing the particles of our lives relieves our stress and sometimes it makes it worse. If it interferes with your enjoyment of your life, it is not a crime to seek help.
Good luck,
ms. X


Group Thing!!

Dear msX ~
Uh-oh! I like this guy named Jake, and see, I wanna ask him to this group thing with some of my buds and their guy friends/boy friends. How do I ask him without sounding like Iím desperate or obsessed?

Dear My Roommate,
Just because someone says they love you, doesn't mean you have to love them back. Especially since there are gender issues here. If you feel uncomfortable with his declaration of love, tell him if he doesn't stop, one of you will need to find a new place to live. Set your boundaries before your girlfriend arrives and keep to them.
ms. X


My roommate....

Dear msX ~
My roommate has a huge crush or he says that he is in love with me....... I am a lesbian.... My girlfriend is moving up from Utah in a few days all the way to pa..... I really do not know what to do??? He won't give up.... what should I do?

Dear My Roommate,
Just because someone says they love you, doesn't mean you have to love them back. Especially since there are gender issues here. If you feel uncomfortable with his declaration of love, tell him if he doesn't stop, one of you will need to find a new place to live. Set your boundaries before your girlfriend arrives and keep to them.
ms. X


bossy wife

Dear msX ~
my wife is very bossy and sometimes yells

Dear Bossy Wife,
Yell back. Or get earplugs. It is not in the marriage contract to graciously accept being yelled at.
ms. X


sex

Dear msX ~
my boyfriend won't stop bugging 4 sex.

Dear Stop Bugging 4 Sex,
If he can't understand the word no, why would you keep him around? Unless you are enjoying the debate. Readiness for a sexual relationship cannot be one-sided. If he doesn't get it, let him go.
ms. X


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