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THIS MONTHS DILEMMAS ~ JUNE '00 page 1

 

What's Wrong With Me?

Dear msX ~
I'm a 16-year-old girl. I知 5'4, 130 lb, brown curly (kind of fly-away) hair, glasses, zits, crooked teeth... so I知 not Cindy Crawford. I get good grades and I知 not into spots, so I知 considered a nerd in my VERY small school (class of 15 students). There are a few really great guys, and I try to strike up conversations with them and flirt with them, but they never reciprocate. I mean, I have never been on a date or had a guy flirt with me or ask me out. My friends all have boyfriends, some steady and some not, and I can be sitting right there when guys flirt with them and I am ignored.

So what's wrong with me? How can I get guys to notice me? I told myself I would never depend on a guy, but lately I just feel like I need someone to love me...

SO what do I do? Just ignore the problem and wait for that special someone to walk into my life? How do I get guys to like me? Thanks

Dear What's wrong with me?
Widening your circles, putting yourself in different places, expanding your interests are all ways of meeting new faces. Looking for a good fish for you in a pool of fifteen doesn't strike me as being realistic. It's not your looks you have to change, it's your territory and routine. Take a dance class, volunteer, join a gym, just put yourself into places and situations where there are new and different fellows. And, start focusing on your positive attributes. Listing your negatives is not going to boost your confidence and make you the belle of the ball. Find stuff you like about yourself and accentuate it. Fix the stuff you don't like, if it's fixable, or learn to work around it.
Good Luck,
ms. X


drinking problem

Dear msX ~
I have a drinking problem. I do the most stupid this when I知 drunk. it is leaving me with less friends ,and I知 trying to make as much as possibly since I知 Irish and I知 over here working, I don't know what else to do or where to go to meet people on sober basis, I知 18 years old all alone and need help I知 staying in Boston

Dear Irish,
Drinking is not your cultural destiny, is it? There are lots of Irish people who get through life without having to become obnoxious drunks. Don't lay this on your heritage, it's you, the individual, who has the problem. There are Alcoholics Anonymous meetings you can go to in almost every city. This becomes both a social activity and a way of working with your drinking. Try to fill the rest of your time with productive activities that bring you into contact with people. Take a class at a college. Join a gym. Volunteer at a hospital. There are lots of things you can do that are social and don't involve drinking. Do something quickly before your problem gets bigger and you have fewer friends.
Good luck,
ms. X


Long Distance Romance

Dear msX ~
I am 15 years old and I have a boyfriend a few months younger than me who lives hundreds of miles away from me. (actually he lives in New York and I live in the Caribbean). I haven't seen him in a really long time but I am going to see him at the end of June. The thing is, I really want to have sex with him I know I should wait (I知 a virgin)but I can't help these feelings. We both discussed having sex before and we both decided to wait, but since I've been away from him for so long, I don't think I can wait. Please help me I need some advice on how to handle these feelings, Thank you very much.

Dear Caribbean,
Why don't you wait and see what it's like for you in person when you see your fellow again? It's normal to want to have sex with someone you long for and have missed so much, but there are many things you can do with each other before you arrive at intercourse. It doesn't have to happen the moment he steps off the plane, hon. Patience...anything wonderful is worth waiting for!
ms. X


ex-girlfriend

Dear msX ~
I have a boyfriend of a year and two months. His name is Tobie. When we first started going out, he was still talking to his ex-girlfriend. I thought that was fine, but one day, I asked them what they talked about. Coincidentally, when she found out that we were going out, she also found out that she was so called pregnant. it really upset me because she was talking to Mike about her pregnant problems and it wasn't even his! This is when I forbid him to talk to her or see her. I've been living at his house for the entire time that we have been going out. During the first four months that we were going out, his truck was broken, and he was out of a job. so I let him use my car to look for jobs. little did I know, while I was at work, he was going to his ex-girlfriend's work place and visiting her on her lunch breaks. I had an idea that he was still talking to her, so I went to her workplace to talk to her (well actually, to fight with her). She ended up calling me out first, but then chickened out because she didn't think I actually wanted to fight with her. (august) This is when we talked and she told me that Tobie was visiting her. I was slightly upset, but she seemed to hate him also. She told him that she wanted to be left alone. later that day, I asked him if he had sex with her while we were going out. He told me ,no. One month later (September) I was with Tobie at a club. His ex-girlfriend was also there. She came up to me wanting to fight again. I was willing, but somehow, we ended up talking. She informed me that Tobie went to her house (she invited him) with my car when he was supposed to be looking for jobs. We shared information about things that he had said about us, and instead of beating his ex, I beat him. I asked him again if he had sex with her. He said ,no. I kept asking him if he had sex with her, and everyday, he told me no. Until one month later (October) his guilt overwhelmed him and he finally confessed. It has been seven months since I found out about what had happened between them, and I still cannot get over it. Anytime I think about it, I get very very pissed off. I also found out that the reason why his ex hates him is because two weeks after they had sex, someone told her that when they were going out, he cheated on her also. I know I am stupid for staying with him. We get into fights about her almost every week. It got better. We used to fight everyday. So my problem is, I want to stop hurting, I want to stop feeling so paranoid, I also want to stop hating. I don't know if and how the pain is going to stop. I want to be able to trust him again. I told him to prove it, but I really don稚 know how I could unless I were with him every minute of the day. I am so mean to him. I treat him like he is lower than dirt. He doesn't receive any respect from me. He is like my little dog that follows me around everywhere and does whatever I tell him to. I am never wrong. I yell at him for every little thing he does. I tell him mean things such as he is a loser, and he is stupid, because I know it will hurt him, (I think I am like that because I am still hurting so much) I also want to stop hating her. I just want to forget about her, but it is very hard because we have a lot of mutual friends. I just wish that she just go somewhere and never come back. I do not know how to cope with all this anger that I have for her. everyone tells me that I should just get rid of my boyfriend, but is there any other way?

Dear Tobie's Girlfriend,
I think it's already dawned on you that anger hurts the hater more than it hurts the hatee. While I feel bad for Tobie having to put up with your controlling and demanding personality, I can see that you're hurting as well. You picked a lousy boyfriend, so now you're going to punish both him and yourself for it for how long? Cut your losses, get out, and give up on those nasty, nagging feelings. You will have to learn that you can't always control what other people do, but you can control how you react to it. Give up Tobie, give up your anger, start anew.
Good luck,
ms. X


College Goodbyes

Dear msX ~
My boyfriend and I dated for around 5 months, and we really loved each other. He's a year younger than me, however, and I知 leaving for college half way across the country in the beginning of August. We have both dated alot and have both been in love once before. These first loves really broke our hearts. His first love was especially harsh when breaking up with him and ended up cheating on him and moving away, among other things. At any rate, he vividly remembers how difficult it was for him to deal with that break up. I too had had a very bad break up with my first love. However, we have since worked out our differences and are still good friends. My boyfriend and I broke up a day and a half ago. We had discussed it earlier and decided it was the right thing to do. He said he needed time to deal with this before I leave. I have to admit that I am a complete wreck right now, and that I am glad we did not wait till the night before I left for college to do this. However, I am still very distraught. I am unable to eat, and I am getting very little sleep. A good friend and my first love are helping me get through it by letting me vent constantly. I want to be friends with him, but I don't know if I can be around him and not want to hold him, and kiss him, and hug him. I guess another factor is that he was the first guy I've had sex with. I don't regret it, but it's another hard thing to face. I guess what I知 looking for is some advice on how I should attempt to put my life back together. How long should I wait to call him? Should I try and see him before I leave for school? And how can I help this empty, lonely feeling go away? I would love any help or advice you could give me. Thanks.

Dear College Goodbyes,
There's no way to get over someone easily when you still have feelings. But, if the timing is wrong and you have to move on, a little grieving is just something you're going to have to go through to get your life back to normal. Friends can help keep you from hitting bottom. Venting is good, healthy, and normal. Maybe once you get to school and acclimate yourself to the new surroundings and people, life will once again seem like fun again. Give it some time.
ms. X


Oh No!!

Dear msX ~
I just got home from a really hot date and I have found two hickeys on my neck. I am really scared of what my mom will say. Do you know any good tips on getting rid of it?

Dear Oh No!
I don't have any ideas for you. Makeup and neck scarves seem to draw more attention to the hickey area. It is not the season for turtlenecks either. Next time tell your dates not to leave any visible marks.
ms. X


Tom

Dear msX ~
Okay. Here is the deal. I was in this computer class during first semester with this junior guy named Tom (I'm a freshman). Well, about a month before the end of the semester (it's only a semester class) was over, he started talking to me. I had always thought he was cute, but it was really cool that he started the conversation (he's not very talkative). So I thought he wanted to be friends. Well, after the class ended, I would wave to him, but then he started avoiding me. He would only talk to me when he was alone with me. Like I wasn't good enough to talk to in front of his friends. Then, right before spring break, he started waving at me and talking to me. like he wanted to. Then about a month ago, there was a school dance, and there weren't very many people there, but Tom was there. There were only two slow songs left, and my friend told me to turn around and there was Tom. And he asked me to dance. I said yes. He was holding me really close. Our cheeks we!
re pressed together, and his hands kept moving down my back, like he wanted me. But I知 not sure it was that. He gives me mixed signals. Like sometimes he likes me and wants to be with me, and other times he doesn't. After the dance, we stood facing each other, holding hands, for like 3 minutes until my sister came and got me. I don't know what to think or what to do. Should I still like him? I feel like we have a special connection. He just thinks I知 too young cuz I知 a freshman. I知 15 and he's going to be 17. Is that bad? Please help!!!!!!!!

Dear Mixed Signals with Tom,
Part of the man-women thing seems to involve lots of mixed signals. Not being sure what one wants is part of it. Being vague allows one to have an escape hatch should one change one's mind. He also sounds like he's not ready to go public with any feelings he may have for you. Or, maybe he's just waiting until you're a bit older.
ms. X


strange connection

Dear msX ~
There is this sophomore guy(I'm a freshman). His name is Rhett. Ever since the beginning of the year, we are always looking at each other. Like when I walk by, we stare at each other until we can't see. We have never spoken, but it's like he knows what I知 thinking, and I know what he is thinking. What does this mean? Are we connected somehow?

Dear Strange Connection,
Yes, it is possible that you and Rhett have a great mystical connection. But, it is also just as likely that you are projecting what you want to believe he is thinking. And, you'll never know what is true about this unless you speak to him. What are you waiting for? Don't waste any more time waiting and wondering. Speak to him.
ms. X


beautiful or ugly

Dear msX ~
My girl friends always tell me I知 beautiful, but then why don't I have a boyfriend? I always attract the guys I don't want. I can never get the guys I like to like me back. Either that or their too shy to tell me. HELP!!!!! ANY ADVICE?

Dear Beautiful or Ugly,
Who ever told you being beautiful was the secret to having a boyfriend? Sometimes being too beautiful scares all but the most confident boys away. Also, some people are looking for what's inside the package, not at the paper it's wrapped in.
ms. X


HELP

Dear msX ~
I live with my dad and he smokes and I want him to stop. I don't know how to make him quit and plus I can't make him quit it's his own choice, I know that, but how do you think I could talk him in to quitting or at least cutting down on them. I afraid something is going to happen to him because I致e been watching some shows at school and it showed some awful stuff that could happen to people who smoke such as hair on the tongue or lung cancer and smoking through the throat and a number of other horrible things that I don't want to ever happen to him. So PLEASE HELP SOON!!!

Dear Help for Smoking Dad,
You can suggest that your dad stop smoking, but the motivation to stop has to come from within him. Tell him (without whining) what you want him to do and why. Let him absorb it, but the decision has to come from him. Smoking is a very hard addiction to quit. Best advice is to never start.
ms. X


I知 in love with my boyfriend's best friend!!

Dear msX ~
I really , really need some advice! my boyfriend Todd has this best friend named Roary. When I first met Roary I though he was awesome , I mean he's funny, sweet , sarcastic( just like me ) , and we have so much in common and not to mention he drop dead gorgeous. I just got home now because we just got done having a great conversation with each other . I told him that I like him alot tonight and he said that its ok cause he likes me also, but he's afraid for his best friend ( my boyfriend Todd) because Roary said he really truly loves me alot . I can't deny my feelings for Roary but I still love Todd . I don't know what to do!! I feel so STUPID!!

Dear I知 In Love with My Boyfriend's Best Friend,
Do you think Todd wants you to stay with him out of sympathy? He may be hurt, angry, and betrayed, but he'll get over it. Staying with someone out of pity may seem noble, but just who wins if you stay when your heart is somewhere else? Breaking up may seem cruel at first, but, in the final analysis, do you think that Todd is really so hung up on you that losing you will ruin his life? Get real.
ms. X


my son's father

Dear msX ~
Ok I知 22 and a mother of a wonderful 18 month old little boy. The only problem is that I don't know how to get a hold of his father, he doesn't even know that he has a little boy. I never got the chance to tell him before we lost contact with each other. That isn't all I have a boyfriend but he doesn't think I should contact Brad because my son knows my boyfriend as Dad, but I think it is important for Eric to know who his real father is. This is making us fight and it is making me question his true love for Eric and me it get to were he says some pretty mean stuff and in front of Eric what do I do I really need your help. Thank You

Dear Eric's Mom,
By all means, find your son's father. He deserves to know he has a child. You could probably do this through the internet or your state's department of motor vehicles. See what Eric's biological dad wants of this relationship. His first reaction might not be his final answer either. Whatever it is, keep this info ready for when Erik asks for it. As for you new boyfriend, tell him there are many reasons for Eric and his real father to know (of) each other and doing this does not reflect on his status in the family you have made with him. One important reason is shared medical history. Another is being truthful with our children.
ms. X


Older Girl

Dear msX ~
Ok, here's the deal--I met this girl at the mall the other day. She was amazing looking and my friend told me she was checking me out, so I went up to her and talked to her. I got her phone number but we didn't spend more than 5 minutes together. I finally got to talk to her for a couple of minutes earlier today, and I learned that she is in college. I知 only 16--a sophomore in high school. Now I really want to get with this girl, but I don't know what approach to take. I have friends that have been with girls 4 or 5 years older than them, so I know that it's possible. Let me tell you a little about myself and her so you can give more accurate advice. Like I said I知 16, but I can pass for eighteen to twenty. I知 pretty muscular from working out a lot and most girls say that they think I知 really cute (by the way, what is cute supposed to mean? Girls call EVERYONE cute. Anyway..) Aside from looking older, I act older too when the situation requires. Aside from school I hold down a job in Manhattan as a web consultant, so I know how to conduct myself. Now for her...she's obviously the sexual type, purely based on her appearance. She also sounds like the type of girl that gets hit on all the time and doesn't even care anymore. She didn't even remember who I was at first when I called--asked what mall she met me in. How can I make a good impression on her--do something that will make her look at me in a different way than all of the other guys that hit on her? If she doesn't seem like the typical, sensitive girl, what should I do? Also, I imagine age will be a huge factor in this. How can I make her overcome that, or should I lie about it until I can get her to know me? I知 totally confused as you can see. I知 sorry for making this so long and thank you SOOOO much for your help

Dear Wants Older Girl,
Just stop analyzing the situation and go for it. The worst that could happen is she could say no. Lying or trying to be something other than yourself will start any possible relationship off on the wrong foot.
ms. X


Crush

Dear msX ~
I have a crush on this boy, and he just broke up with my best friend. The prob- he wants to go out with another one of my friends,(but she kinda likes him but would rater go out with another guy and he's planning to ask her out.) I知 100

Dear Crush,
You can't control what other people do, much as you might like to. If he wants to ask your friend out, it is his decision. Just as it is her decision to say yes or no. Butt out.
ms. X


Stealing Friends

Dear msX ~
Me and my friend were in a local CVS and we were looking for foundation. I had $10 dollars and the one I wanted was $12. My friend offered to take it. I was totally floored I thought she was out of her mind. I told her NO!! She agreed. In 1st hour the next day she wrote me a note- she told me that when we were in there she took 2 eye shadows and a bottle of perfume she also included the bit that her and her step sis were planning to try weed at her dads house ( her parents have split custody) I didn't tell anyone but my 2 best buds. One of them said its here choice the other said tell her mom. What one is right?

Dear Stealing Friends,
The best thing you could do is to not be around them when they are engaging in criminal activity. Don't go with her when she is shoplifting and don't be around anyone else's drugs. You could end up getting arrested for your friend's crime, just by virtue of being there. I don't think that telling is the solution, but you sure don't have to give it your stamp of approval by hanging out with her.
ms. X


Best Guy Friend

Dear msX ~
A while ago my best guy friend told me that he liked me and that he wanted us to be together and we started making out almost every day but with no strings attached .Every day he would ask me out and everyday I would say no to him because I didn't really like him. Now we are no longer friends and I realized that I like him alot. I don't know if I should tell him or not. I was thinking on prom night. I would tell him how I feel and make my move and kiss him but I need to know if this is a good idea or not. What do you think?

Dear Best Guy Friend's,
Before you do anything, be sure you want him for the right reasons. Not fair to turn someone's world upside down just to gratify your own ego.
ms. X


fitting in

Dear msX ~
I just don't seem to fit in

Dear Doesn't Fit In,
Whoever said you have to? The most interesting and attractive people in the world follow their own drumbeat. Work on being true to yourself, not the crowd.
ms. X


too small

Dear msX ~
Hi. I am a 15 year old girl and feel like my breasts are too small. My question for you is that do you think they will grow any more by the
time that I知 an adult?

Dear Small Breasts,
I don't know, Lots of things can influence breast size. You should be asking someone in the medical profession.
ms. X


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