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THIS MONTHS DILEMMAS ~ M A Y '00 page 3

 

Exam fatigues

Dear msX ~
Well, I am a 16 year old girl which is facing a very difficult situation right now and Iíve been facing it for a pretty long time. I have exams coming up soon, and this year it's going to be the most important year of my entire life!! If I don't get excellent grades then I am not going to be able to enter university because this is how the system works (IGCSE-British System) Whenever I enter an exam room, I start breathing so quickly, my mind gets blocked and I start sweating and shivering which makes me forget everything I studied. This has made me fail a couple of exams, especially in the subjects that I am not really go at like Math. My parents tried to solve this problem but it never seems to disappear, and if I am going to face this problem in the coming exams then I am dead!!!! Just tell me how can I make myself relax before an exam, how can I make myself feel o.k. and be like Yes, I can do it??!! I need help real quick! Please!
Confused and sooooooo scared

Dear Exam Fatigues,
Seems grossly unfair that your whole future is dependent upon these exams. Some people just don't test well and it is no reflection on their intelligence at all. However, this is the way the system is for now and you have to make the best of it. Just what you said, you need to affirm to yourself that you can do it, breathe deeply, and relax. Get good sleep the night before and eat something before your test. Sometimes caffeine can heighten people's tension, so go easy with coffee or tea. Familiarize yourself with the subject, but don't study so much that everything becomes a jumble. The most important thing is to relax...this is a test and it is important, but it is not life-or-death.
Good luck,
ms. X


AffEcTiOn. . .

Dear msX ~
First of all I'd like to Thank-You for giving me and many others some great advice, You doing a good job...keep it up!) But my question has to do with affection... I started going out with my boyfriend Cole, the problem is we're both very shy. I'd like to be able to just go up to him and hug him, or kiss him etc. (Stuff suitable for public of course) But as soon as I'm around him I get really nervous and shy. Please don't say if I'm still nervous around him, then I'm not ready for anything like that, because I feel like I am ready. So Basically can you give me some good tips on how to show my boyfriend affection, and what are some cute things he would like me to do to show I care? Please Help...It will be very appreciated...Thanks! = )

Dear Affection,
The nervous and shy feelings are really just part of falling in love. You can feel that way at any age, ready or not. Some of the sensations of being in love and attracted mimic being nervous and you can't always tell them apart. Take it slowly. Use your body language to tighten up the space between you and Cole and all the affectionate gestures you're craving should follow naturally. What may seem awkward at first, will become natural in no time.
Have fun with it,
ms. X


Ex-boyfriend

Dear msX ~
Ok, last week my boyfriend broke up with me telling me that he wasn't ready for a girlfriend but then we still talk on the phone and what not. Well, the Thursday after out break-up , we were on the phone and we had both agreed to start seeing other people so we were talking and I told him about a date I had with one of my old friends, well he got all mad and jealous even though he's seeing other people too and told me that he doesn't think that we should l talk anymore. But then on Saturday he called me again. Then on Sunday I asked him if he misses me and he said every day and every night , I still sleep with your pillow and your teddy bear and then he said that sometimes he wished he never would have done what he did but then he said he was glad he did it which only confused me because he contradicted himself. What is he doing to me? Should I just let him go or should I hold on because this is his way of coming back? I mean I really really love him.

Dear Ex-boyfriend,
He sounds like he's sending mixed signals. Let him work out his confusion without adding to it. He doesn't know what he wants yet. If you give him some space to decide, without detailing your dates with other guys for him, then maybe he'll return to you with a clear head. Wouldn't that be the best? Otherwise, do you want to pursue him and have him bring his same confusion back into your relationship? Think about it.
Good luck,
ms. X


Other Girls

Dear msX ~
ME AND MY GIRLFRIEND BROKE UP ABOUT 2 WEEKS AGO AND WE'RE SUPPOSED TO GET BACK TOGETHER I LOVE HER MORE THAN ANYTHING IN THE WORLD BUT THERE ARE OTHER GIRLS THAT LIKE ME BUT I WANT HER WHAT DO I DO?

Dear Other Girls,
If you love her, then tell her and forget the other girls. While it is flattering to be liked by many, it is precious to be loved by one.
ms. X


GIRLS AT SCHOOL- HUMILIATION

Dear msX ~
These girls that used to be my best friends just turned on me. It all started a few days ago when I got a little upset because my best friends started leaving me out of things so I decided that maybe I need some time to myself, without those 2. Today we had to write stories and they wrote about ME- and it was not very pretty! I ran out of the room and stayed in the bathroom and my friend came out and told me that the story was about a girl named Mandy (which was a name that me and my best friend used to use for this girl we didn't like, so in notes we could be like Mandy was rude today!) and that Mandy (which is me) has no friends, hangs out with these 2 girls (my ex-bff's) just to be popular, has to train her stupid goldfish (I train dogs on Monday nights) every Mon. night, and the list goes on and on. I cried forever! My other close friend always helps me through things but today she said I dunno what to tell ya! and looked the other way. I talked to my mom and she said School's almost out, just ignore it! and that made me cry even more. So, my other friends told the teacher and she said that she isn't sure if the story is about me (ask anyone in the class, it was!) and yadayadayada! My other friend was talking to one of the girls who wrote the story and she said that it wasn't about me what-so-ever and all these other lies! Oh-ya, they read it to the whold class. Also, don't say to forget about it or you have other friends, because I'm not the kindda person who can have people hate me and not care. I don't know what to do, no one seems to understand me, and I refuze to talk to the principal because these girls WERE my friends and I would feel guilty and it would also make matters worse, what should I do?!
--Melanie

Dear Melanie,
If you let the whole thing die down, it won't be in your face all the time. You are making it worse and you know it. You can't stop people from talking about you, but you can stop them from having bad stuff to say. Get your act together. You can't control what people say about you, but you can control how you react. You blew this little incident into something that no one can forget because of your overreaction. A better reaction would have been none at all.
ms. X


Peer Pressure

Dear msX ~
what are some ways to say no to peer pressure?

Dear Peer Pressure,
The most important way to say no to peer pressure is to work on your own individuality, so that no one would ever expect you to be a follower. Once you know who you want to become, there's less need to follow others. Write your own map and let no one lead you astray.
ms. X


Bored

Dear msX ~
well, I've been with the same guy for two years. It seems to be like things are just dying out, we do love each other, but we're getting bored of the routine....what do you advise me to do about it? we already took a break to try to find out if we loved each other and it came out to be that we can't be without each other...what do we do?

Dear Bored After Two,
Could it be that you're not bored with each other, just bored with the patterns of your relationship? How about you work on finding some new activities, things you can do together as well as things you can do alone. The together things - maybe a dance class or tennis - a new activity you can practice together. Alone stuff will give you an interesting dimension for when you come back together. Having new stuff to talk about can only spice things up. If you let each other grow as individuals, the underlying love should stay the same but the interest factor will multiply.
ms. X


small breasts-small confidence

Dear msX ~
I have small breasts for my age. I know that I should just be happy with myself but it is hard for me. no guys notice me!! I have tried stuffing my bra and buying padded bras but I'm sick of it!! I've made up my mind...I heard about pills you can take to make your breasts grow. Do you know anything about these pills? are they safe? where can I get them? I really need help!!! do you think you can help me!?!? thank you for your time!! please help!!

Dear Kissy,

The pills don't work. Save your money. Instead work on developing a style of dress that accentuates your positives. Women with less abundance can wear (and look good in) skimpy little dresses and tanks that the truly voluptuous cannot. Not all men are into boobs, anyway, and the guy you want is much more interested in your inner self than your outer self, right?
ms. X


heís in love

Dear msX ~
hi. about a week ago this guy I REALLY liked asked me out. he is sweetest guy in the world. I was always a sucker for guys who couldnít care less about me and it was real depressing cuz they wouldnít know I existed. now Iím so happy because he cares so much and says he loves me. but he is madly in love with another girl. they have been best friends forever and theyíve had sex before but she has already has a boyfriend and she just doesnít have as strong feelings for my boyfriend as he has for her. whenever he talks about her, I can see how much he loves her...he said he loves her more than life itself and he would die for her and that she is just the best person in the world...and whenever this happens, my heart just breaks and I feel like crying. he says so genuinely that he cares about me but I feel like I can never surpass her place in his life. this girl is my friend and everything and its just so hard for me. sometimes I just want her to give up her boyfriend to be with my boyfriend so that he will finally be happy because I think they maybe were meant for each other. how should I act in this situation? I like him so much and Iíve been waiting for someone like him forever but I donít know what to do now...please help me.

Dear He's In Love,

What are you? Chopped Liver? Where do you figure in this equation or do you honestly get your jollies being so self-sacrificing that people can cut your heart out while you hold the knife for them? If your boyfriend has issues with another girl, coming to you for help with it is insulting and demeaning. Tell him you're not interested in playing Cupid and to work things out himself. And, you work on figuring out why you think you don't deserve better treatment.
ms. X


heartbreaker

Dear msX ~
I have liked this guy since October but he has had a girlfriend for 7 months. we always hug and me and his girlfriend always talk

Dear Heartbreaker,
If his girlfriend's a friend, think twice. Then think again. He may just like to hug. Wait for a stronger signal. When these two break up, you can make your move, not before.
ms. X


my ex

Dear msX ~
I was going out with this guy Michael AKA moo moo for about 2 months. the other day his cousin came to me asking if I was going to break up with him & said that he was cheating on me with a girl that I knew. I asked him about it & he denied it. i went to hang out in the park near my house yesterday and my friend Ashley came running up the street saying he was at the park hanging out with the girl. she said that she had oral sex with him while we were going out also. he denies that also. I went to the park to find out that he had ran off through the creek because he knew I was pissed off & he thought I was wanting to fight the girl & I wouldíve came after him also. but I eventually talked to him & he swears that he didnít do anything with the girl. he says he loves me to much, he doesnít like the girl that he was supposedly cheating on me with, and he wouldnít do that because he doesnít want to see me mad or hurt. when I talked 2 the girl & her friends they all said they had messed around but my ex still denies it. he keeps asking me out & begging for me to believe him. I asked my friends about it because they have dated him before. heís very well known for sweet talking & I donít know who to believe or what to do about this.
can you please help me out????

Dear My Ex,

You know exactly who to believe. You just don't want to believe it. Open your eyes, girl.
ms. X


fighting

Dear msX ~
well my friend is about to get in a fight and she needs help to avoid the fight. so can you help me.

Dear Fighting,
It's good that you recognize that fighting's bad. Now you just have to get your friend over to your camp. Hard to do when everyone is probably egging her, feeding off the excitement of getting some live entertainment in the form of a girl-fight. If you can reason with her, great. But, if you can't, don't follow her to the fight site. It's very easy to get drawn into a brawl, watching a friend's fight. You keep your principles and your face intact.
ms. X


commitment

Dear msX ~
I have been on and of with my boyfriend for the past 2 years. Every time it gets to 2 months he drifts off and hurts me, I find out that he has seen another girl usually ju7st for one night. I know he cares about me he just has a commitment problem. Iím only 18 and I know there is more fish in the sea but I have met nobody like him before he just like me, I know it sounds very naive. he has told me that he loves me and I do believe it in a way. he is 21 with a very active lifestyle. I also have a commitment problem, commitment scares me and I think he can feel this from me. he has recently changed his career and is alot more motivated and determined to succeed in life and think he may have changed but I just cant trust him. my mind tells me to leave him for good but my heart tells me to stay. please help me I am so confused.

Dear Only 18,
Only you can make the ultimate decision of whether to stay with him and trust him or leave him and move on. How are you going to know what's the best scenario unless you give each one a test drive? Since you've already tried life with him, why not have a trial separation to see what life is like without him?
ms. X


confused

Dear msX ~
I can't tell if this guy likes me? I mean he tries to talk every day to me! He is always really worried about me hating him! My friends have asked him if he likes me (without permission of coarse) and he just replied I don't know and he added that I don't talk to him! I just don't get it, What do you think?

Dear Confused,
Sounds like he's waiting for your return signal. If you like him back, give him the courtesy of a response. Flirting is supposed to be like volleyball and you are holding the ball. Play fair.
ms. X


Abandoned

Dear msX ~
I always feel so abandoned because I was adopted and all of my boyfriends that I really care about end up cheating on me.....including my boyfriend now that I am hanging on too because I believe he has changed. I have tried suicide before and ended up going to the hospital for overdosing on over-the-counter pills. The only reason I didn't take more was because someone who I did care about stopped me. I try talk to my friends now but never get advice because they just don't understand yet. I am only a freshman but I know I matured more than alot of other freshman because I had to. Today someone gave me really good advice and she actually understood me and it was wonderful for me. But I don't know how to help myself when I am by myself crying. I am almost always crying alone. I get lost sometimes and I need help but I don't really like counselors. I have tried them before and I didn't like it because I felt like I was talking to a wall that said fake responses. I don't know what to do about things in my life anymore? Can you help me?

Dear Abandoned,
Keep trying to get help. Sometimes you have to try several counselors or doctors until you find the right fit. Don't give up until you do. See a doctors, too, because chances are there are medicines that can alleviate some of your symptoms of depression. Sounds like you need a combination of therapy and medicine. Don't give up,
ms. X


Feels like I'm being stabbed in the back

Dear msX ~
Its the end of the year and my friends are seeming to not like me much anymore. I don't know if its just me or what but every day now they seem to try to walk off and leave me. What I mean is they walk fast ahead of me and its like they don't want me around. They even say stuff like why don't you ever stay home. We donít want you around. But it sounded like they were picking. So what should I do? Should I stop hanging out with them or what?

Dear Stabbed in the Back

Think back on how your actions may have caused all of your friends to gang up on you. You may not be able to take it back, but at least you'll know in the future what kind of behavior to avoid. Or, approach one of the kids separately and ask what they're stewing about.
ms. X


Does he like me

Dear msX ~
There's this guy that use to like me a little. Now I like him and I don't know if he likes me and he has a girlfriend. Iíve has a couple of people ask him but he said no . What do you think?

Dear Does He Like Me?
Timing is everything, girl. Right now he has a girlfriend. You missed your chance.
ms. X


In Love With Friend

Dear msX ~
I'm in love... with a very close friend of mine. I know he probably doesn't feel the same way about me, but I just want him to know that he'll always have my love no matter what. With graduation coming up so soon, this could be my last opportunity to make him aware of this. The problem is, he has a girlfriend. Would it be wrong to say something to him? Should I just keep it quiet?

Dear In Love With Friend,

Once you cross that line, you may not be able to cross back. A safer bet would be to send out signals and see if you get a response, but keep things in the realm of friendship, so that all is not lost, if the answer is no. Good luck,
ms. X


In LOVE

Dear msX ~
I go with this boy but my parents hate him!
Should I keep going w/ him w/out my parents knowing or dump him!! I really really like him!!!!

Dear In Love,
Lots depends on why your parents don't like him, how old you are, and what the consequences will be should you get caught doing something you were forbidden to do.
ms. X


Boyfriends

Dear msX ~
I've went out with guy for 4 months then I broke up with him. I made a big mistake breaking up with him. So then we still went to the dance together, we had a great time. Then we started going out again. It's been a month now. He hasn't called me for a week and I tried calling him but he is never home. Or his family is making up lies for him. I found out he wants to break up with but I can't get a hold of him to talk with him. Then my friend has been talking to him at school and tells me stuff then my other friend tells me something different. My other friend says that the other friend is trying to get on him. It just feels like my one friend is trying to break us up. What should I do? Help me please!!!1

Dear Boyfriends,
His family wouldn't lie without his permission. He is telling them to say he's not home. He obviously is over you. And, when you rely on your friends to relay information, you risk lots of misinterpretation. But, since the guy won't speak to you, isn't that the answer right there?
ms. X


Leftovers

Dear msX ~
I have this x-boyfriend who I used to like a lot so I asked him if he would go back out with me and he never told me yes or no so I got the picture. then one day he came to my house to hang out and my best friend happened to be there . I could tell they liked each other since they saw each other I had thought gotten over him .so I decided to hook them up .Now they have been going out for 3 months .every week she comes over to see him and he comes over to see her they flirt hug kiss etc. Now I get jealous when ever they are around but of course I donít say anything. I'm going out with his best friend and he has no problem with it. What should I do?

Dear Leftovers,
Deal with it. Sometimes it's a good thing to hide your feelings, other times it's not. This sounds like a good time to hide them, as there are three other people who could get hurt. Give some thought as to what you're jealous of...the interaction in your friends' relationship that may not be present in your own, her having your old boyfriend and winning whatever competition is between you, or just the fact that you still care for him. Unless you can put a label on what you're jealous about, keep it to yourself.
ms. X


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