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THIS MONTHS DILEMMAS ~ A P R I L '00 x page 2

 

Unsure

Dear msX ~
There is this guy who I really like at the church I sometimes attend. He is cute, funny, nice, smart, he has a truck, and he is almost 18. He likes me a lot, and he tried to kiss me while I was at my aunt's house in the backyard, but I wouldn't let him. My dad was in the house, and I was afraid that he might come outside and see us. He asked me to call him, but I haven't. I know this sounds great, but there is something holding me back. My aunt told my mom that she had an affair with him a year ago. My mom told me last summer when I was thinking about going out with him. She told me I couldn't see him anymore. Then my aunt told her they really didn't very much. I know they didn't have sex. My aunt told my mom before that they didn't. My aunt lies a lot, so she might have made the whole thing up. Not only that, but this guy doesn't seem like the type of person who would do that. He usually goes for younger, unmarried girls. My aunt is married and she has a daughter. She is 20 years older than him and he treats her like she's his cousin or aunt or something. It just doesn't make since. I don't know what to believe and I don't know what to do. Please help me.

Dear Unsure,
The truth will generally reveal itself in time. Proceed with caution, whether or not your aunt is telling the whole truth, there must be a little bit of reality to her story. Get to know him a little better and see what kind of guy he really is.
Good luck,

ms. X


COMPLETELY TORN

Dear msX ~
I met this guy five years ago. We started dating, unfortunately after a few months we broke up. However in some form or another heís always been in my life. Even if he starts dating someone else, we always find each other. All these years I thought it had to be because this guy really cared for me. I kept holding on and waiting for that when we would get back together. Well, it isnít til recently, almost six years later that he told me how he feels. He says he doesnít love anyone. This hurt me so much. I have always been good to this guy and done nothing but love him. Heís been the love of my life. Iíve never really gotten into other relationships for those five years for two reasons, they wouldnít work because I would never give it a chance because I always had this hope, that he and I would get back together and two, Iíve only always wanted him. I never felt comfortable with anyone else. When he told me how he felt I was so hurt. But I backed off and didnít call or speak to him. That was a month ago. About two weeks ago he called me asking why I looked like I didnít want to speak to him really concerned. He told me he wanted to see me and hang out with me. So I did and we and we had a nice time. He calls me now and we seem to be getting along better. He seems as though heís changing but I donít really know what to think. I am so confused. Please help me. I feel like heís been abusing my feelings all these years. Does he care for me or is he just using me? Should I never speak to him again and walk away for good? What should I do?

Dear Completely Torn,
Sometimes long first-loves are so comfortable we stay together from force of habit rather than out of true love. Chances are he doesn't want to give up the comfort of someone who knows him so well as you do, but he's looking to see who else is out there. You might also be hanging on for the comfort of it all. Or you both just might need some time and space apart until you can come back together with clearer heads. Take some time to think about whether you really want this guy or just are so comfortable with him that you don't want to move on. Only then can you know what you have to do next.
ms. X


breaking up is hard to do

Dear msX ~
This girl and I have been going out for a month. I am 16 and she is 15. I have a great time when Iím with her but with my schedule it is really hard to see her and quite frankly I am getting sick of talking with her on the phone. I still want to be friends with her and all that, but I cant be serious anymore. How do u think I should break up with her. Maybe over the phone or in person. What should I say? If u could help, please do.

Dear Breaking Up is Hard to Do,
A little honesty will go a long way. Tell her exactly what you wrote. That you like her, enjoy her company, but don't have enough time to devote to a relationship right now and don't want to monopolize her time when you can't give her back much company. Offer her friendship and honesty and no one can say you handled it poorly. Sounds like you have some very good judgment.
ms. X


the leave

Dear msX ~
have been going with this guy Jon for almost 2 years. he lives 300 miles away and our relationship has been shaky. I was going to see him this weekend but he had to meet with the army dude who is sending him off. I have no idea where Jon is emotion he cares and I think he loves me but won't tell me. well next Friday he is leaving for sure. yes for peoples information I lost it with him oct.2. I want to see him this weekend or any time before he goes to boot camp. what I want to know is what do I do? he told me he will write to his best friend Dan and he will send the letters to me, who at this time I don't at all. his best friends a pimp and just puts out mixed feelings. Jon gets jealous but he is very truthful to me. Jon isn't a good liar he is a bit of a dork. on the other hand where I live there are guys always trying to ask me out! I hate it, they don't understand me instead when they find out stuff I like they run. examples Iím very playfully violent, knifes, swords, fire, biting, and lots of other weird stuff. I love the look of military outfits and trench coats too. as you see Jon is the only guy who knows me inside and out. you are probably thinking Iím not going to give other people a chance, I have. ever since I lost it all guys think is about that. to tell you the truth Iím not easy at all, ask my Jon. I really can't say if he cares for me or not. two nights ago he did call me back, I didn't know he would do that. we were on the phone from 10 to 12 talking about everything. but Iím also 16 and he is 19 my parents don't care his does we have been going out behind their backs since last summer when we got back together. yes after seeing him new years, I was pregnant. my friend took me to the doctor. the doctor told me there was a likely it could be twins and no matter what I would not live through the labor. march 1 roll around I have not told anyone, it was Jonís b-day. we broke up the weekend before that. my dad was going to take us very close to Jonís town on march 4; due to biker week there was no rooms for miles. so I ended up right out Jonís town. called him up and was really wrong by saying come pick me up now I want to see a movie he hang up on me. so somehow Dan pick me up, that night my dad got worried called Jonís mom at 4am in the morning. she was pissed told me never to call again. Jon drove me back all I could do is cry. my relationship is never going to be back, Jonís mom hates me she did before to, and my lifeís to a end no one knows(but my friend) Iím pregnant. did I tell him no! two days later I miscarried a week later I told Jon. he was mad that I did not tell him before. thats when our relationship started getting back he called it our true bond. but he is leaving and I want to spend time with him. what do I do with all this?

Dear Kay,
Now that he is off to boot camp, you'll have some time to think about where you're going with this relationship. Jon, too. A little time and distance might be just what you need to see if it will be worth pursuing your relationship, despite all the obstacles than stand in your way. Use this time constructively to make a choice that will serve you well in the future. Committing yourself to one person at your young age is not always a good idea. Think carefully.
ms. X


guy confused

Dear msX ~
I am really confused about boyfriends... I have gone out with two guys in the past month one was a long relationship and the other was not. I don't know what Iím feeling right now. the first guy I think I was in love with and the second guy I think I kinda just went out with him to get over the other guy, and now I am feeling so guilty. he is the nicest guy and I kinda used him for my own advantages and I really think I hurt him alot because he really really likes me a lot. but I don't feel the same way. what should I say to him so that I don't hurt him but I can tell him that I don't feel that way towards him???
please help????

Dear Guy Confused,

As long as you don't (didn't) lead him on, you have no reason to feel guilty. You can't like everyone, not even those who like you. He will get over you, but you do neither of you any good stringing him along. Be kind and end it now, before there's any emotional investment in a relationship. Tell him you are taking a hiatus from relationships, but value his friendship. Tell him that because he's been so nice, you want to be totally honest with him. Maybe in time you will change your mind and see him as boyfriend material. Nice guys are good catches, he won't be alone long.
ms. X


in the middle

Dear msX ~
All my friends are in a big fight. We have all been there for one another and now when I went away and came back they were all yelling at each other. They are trying to get me to choose sides and I don't want to. All of the sudden two of them just said they were mad no reasons at all. there parents got involved and its really bad. I wish they all would just make up. What should I do?

Dear In The Middle,
Good thinking. Continue to refuse to take sides. You cannot make them stop their fighting, but you can refuse to allow them to draw you into it. Be firm in saying that you will not take sides. Do not listen to anyone's side of the story. It doesn't matter who is right or wrong, you weren't a part of the disagreement, and there's no reason for you to make it yours.
ms. X


convince parents.

Dear msX ~
I am 15 years old and I have been seeing this guy for 6months and he is 18. Well I asked my parents if they would ever let me spend the night at his house and my mom said no but I didn't ask my dad because I know he would of said no. How do I convince my parents to let me stay at his house and try to make them trust me. Please help me

Dear Convince Parents,

Your parents would be negligent if they allowed you, a minor they are supposed to supervise and guide, to sleep over at an eighteen year old young man's home. Right now they are responsible for you and your well-being. Obviously, if you are going to be intimate with your boyfriend, you could do it during daylight hours. And you will, obviously with or without your parents' blessing. But, the deal is they get the last word on where you sleep, I'd say, until you are old enough to take complete responsibility for yourself. Live with it.
ms. X


kinda wondering...

Dear msX ~
Well, a couple weeks ago my best friend {the best friend I've EVER had} lost her virginity to her bf and so far it's going pretty good, it hasn't separated us or anything, but Iím afraid it will w/time because she's so much more experienced than me now. Right now we have a lot more to talk about because she tells me what all this stuff is like and I give her advice {like all that medical type stuff....} but will it keep making us even better friends, or will it separate us like it did to two of our other friends? Sorry if this is really confusing, but I don't know how else to explain it. Thanks a lot.

Dear Kinda Wondering,
You and your girlfriend are on different timetables, and that's okay. You don't need to compete with her, nor do you need to live your life vicariously through her. Friendship can survive people taking different paths probably more than it can take people copycatting each other. If you and your friend are true friends, this shouldn't color your relationship any differently, should it?
ms. X


is he telling the truth?

Dear msX ~
I need a little advice., itís my boyfriend. I need to ask your opinion. Is he lying? Hereís the storyÖ my boyfriend spent the night over his friends house, his friend has a sister, and his sister has a friend so thatís two guys and two girls. My boyfriend told me that the sister tried to do things sexually with him. He said nothing happened, he pushed her away and did not evn talk to her all night. He said that her and and her friend came in the room he and his friend were in and the girl tried to get on then. He said he pushed her away and told her he had a girl and that was the only time they were together. But today I found out she tells a different story. I saw her and talked to her. She told me they stayed up all night and talked and her brother and her friend fell aslep with each other. Then later they went in the other room and slept in the same bed, but nothing happened. My boyfriend would break up with me and beat up the guy if the situation was turned around. Who should I believe? He has a girl, why does he have to sleep in the same place as another girl? And he lied about it and said he did not do it. But he has a really big history of lying and cheating. What should I do? Please help, I love him and donít want to stay with him if all heís going to do is lie to me. What kind of relationship is that? But I donít want to break up if itís not the right thing to do.

Dear Is He Telling the Truth,

I don't know if he's lying or telling the truth, but I do know that he put himself in a very compromising position without much thought. I'd watch for any future inconsistencies without making myself paranoid. Boyfriends who get themselves into situations where their faithfulness is questioned time and again are hardly worth the trouble. Unless you like living with doubt and insecurity all the time.
ms. X


Jealous

Dear msX ~
I get jealous very easily. I don't know how to get rid of it though. Any advice?

Dear Jealous,
Jealousy is a very unattractive emotion. It says that you don't think highly enough of yourself to believe anyone would really choose to be with you over any others. Realizing how needy and desperate one looks when one shows a jealous face should go a long way in helping you to contain your jealous urges. Work on it. By working on yourself and building your esteem, you will find that jealousy is less a factor in your life. Good luck.
ms. X


Dating !!

Dear msX ~
I have a problem! My parents think that interracial dating is hard cause thereís so many prejudice people these days so it would be hard to have a relationship. Well... I disagree in the 00's I guess I should say interracial dating has got more open and people have got alot more calmer!!! My parents have always taught me not to discriminate?? Whatís wrong with them now?? I donít understand?? I am dark complicated and Spanish Indian he is Mexican and they seem to not like the fact even though they support I know they feel uncomfortable what do I say to them cause I am not gonna change my ways color has nothing to do with a person were all the same please help me out???? thanks alot!!!!!!!!!!!! write back asap!~

Dear Interracial Dating,
I share your belief that skin color is just wrapping paper, but also see how your parents might want to protect you from the cruelty that still exists in this world. Perhaps once they see what's in the package, they will be more open to your boyfriend. Consider also that they are trying to spare you the hassles that comes from dating outside one's culture. Much as we'd like to, we cannot wipe out all the prejudice out there.
ms. X


How should I break up with him.

Dear msX ~
I am dating this guy, we have been dating for a long time. We had just start seriously dating over the pass couple of weeks what should I do about this. I am not really attract to him anymore. I just do not wanted to hurt his feelings.

Dear How Should I Break Up With Him,
With breakups, sooner is always better than later. With later, you perpetuate the lie that you care more than you do. Stringing someone along on false hope that you feel the same way can only further their hurt feelings. Tell him that the relationship has moved to a place you're not comfortable with too quickly. You don't have to bluntly tell him you're not attracted, just that you are feeling closed in and would like to explore being unattached again for a bit. If you make it into a big dramatic scene, it will pump up his feeling of rejection. Just be kind yet firm, and if you really want to do a good deed, allow him to save face by saying it was mutual.
ms. X


Im scared

Dear msX ~
Im only 14 and my boyfriend and I had unprotected sex, What if Im pregnant.

Dear Iím Scared.
Hopefully you're not. That wouldn't be good for anyone -- your boyfriend, you, or the baby you created. Not to mention both sets of unwilling grandparents, his parents and your own. So let's pray that you're not. That would be the best possible scenario, especially if it taught you a lesson about children playing around and having unprotected grownup sex without a thought to the consequences. Sex is an act loaded with consequences. It should be not taken lightly. If you got off easy this time, let it be a lesson to you. Do not have sex with anyone you are not prepared to make a baby with and deal with the consequences of such baby together. Do not have sex with anyone unless you are certain you are protected against sexually-transmitted diseases. Remember all it takes is one time to make a baby or contract Aids, Herpes, or other STD's.
ms. X


Best Friends in Trouble

Dear msX ~
I have a best friend I've known for 4 years we were quite close. Recently, a girl moved to this area and him and her have become boy- friend/girlfriend. I am fine with this except that the girl doesn't like me for some unknown reason and is turning my friend away from me. How do I get him back on my side?

Dear Best Friend's In Trouble,
Just continue to be the same friend you always were. Don't compete for his attention or badmouth this girl. Let him have some time to see her true colors. Friends are forever, but infatuations burn themselves out. Be patient.
ms. X


Thank you for the help!!

Dear msX ~
I started to kinda lay off of her and she just came right back...the only thing that makes me mad is she flirts a lot!!!!! but its all good now thanks for the advise!!!

Dear Thank you for the help,

My pleasure. Glad to help. Maybe flirting is just part of her charm. After all, isn't it what got you interested?
Best,
ms. X


just broken up with boyfriend

Dear msX ~
I am 10 and I have been going out with this guy for about 2 years and I only fancied him for two years so I have just broken up with him and now my teacher is getting involved, for example today was the last day of term so she sent me to the nursery to help and my x boyfriend to year r and she was talking about me and him and at my best friends party someone said I wanted to have sex with him and my teacher miss Lionel said I was crying in the toilets and that is not true and then my teacher sent for me and my x boyfriend and talked to the whole class about it not having the slightest idea that it wasnít true and every body keeps trying to get us back together and I do not want to what shall I do?

Dear Just Broken Up,
Iím not sure I understand what you're saying. You're ten years old and people are encouraging you to get back with your boyfriend, all the while there are rumors floating about that you want to have sex with him, and you're crying over it in school and getting your teachers involved? Go back to being a kid for a couple of years before you start in with playing at being grownup. You only have one childhood. Don't squander it.
ms. X


I am really down

Dear msX ~
just a few months ago my best friend moved to Derbyshire and she was the only real one I could trust and I have just broken up with my boyfriend and I am so down cos he keeps betting his friends stuff about me and doing dares on me which is really horrible I feel as if I can t trust anyone anymore what should I do could you please reply soon cos it is really desperate

Dear I Am Really Down,
Find yourself some new friends and keep out of your former boyfriend's turf. He is obviously miffed that you broke it off with him and is looking for revenge. Don't give him the chance by sticking around. Move on and find some new friends. Surely you could still write or phone your friend in Derbyshire, and while it isn't nearly the same as having her in your day-to-day life, it certainly beats having no one you trust to talk to. Give things some time to simmer down and use that time to think about who you want to be friends with.
ms. X


My Best Guy Friend

Dear msX ~
Me and this guy, Rob, are BEST friends. We tell each other everything, including who we like. It seems like he always likes my other female friends. At first it didn't really bother me, but when it started to I confessed my feelings for him. He didn't feel the same thing, so we decided just to be the friends we always were. And nothing was weird it was just back to normal. More recently, he has the biggest crush on one of my best friends, and it's really weird, because when ever he talks about her to me, I get this really weird knot in my stomach and if Iím alone and my mind starts to wander, I get upset if I think about him!! I don't want to loose his friendship because he means sooooo much to me....but I don't know how to deal with these emotions. Please help!!!

Dear My Best Guy Friend,
I guess it is human nature to be possessive of our friends. But, it is not a good feeling when you are the one being smothered. Give Rob a chance to explore his new romance without any comment from you. Sharing is not the easiest thing to do, especially when you are sharing two good friends with each other, and you have more romantic feelings toward one of them.. It is easy to feel as if you've been excluded. He knows you may feel more than friendship, so if you want to keep him in your life, you can't put him in an uncomfortable position of feeling guilty about liking your friend.
ms. X


Dear msX ~
Iím kinda talking to this guy and I like him alot but over the weekend I kissed two other guys. one of the guys that I kissed really likes me but Iím not sure how I feel about him and I guess the other one likes me too. Iím really confused and I donít know what to do.

Dear Kisser,
Too much kissing can be confusing. It feels good to do it, but it's always better if you like who you're kissing. A little caution before you engage in any more indiscriminate kissing might be in order. Figure out how you feel before you pucker up. Conversely, you don't have to go steady with every fellow you kiss.
ms. X


Lonely and Confused In Love

Dear msX ~
here is my problem and I hope that you can help me out on what to do. And I need advice as soon as possible PLEASE!!!!! Ok my two best friends got me together with this guy and me and him were great together and I fell in love with him hard. He was like my first love. Well he ended up playing on me with one of my friends that got me and him together. This guy is 18 now. Well we broke up for about four months and I dated other people but no one was ever better than him and I never found anyone that I like more than him. So about a month ago he called me and we started talking again and he proved to me that he does love me a whole lot and now that we are back together and we have been for about a month now he treats me awesome and helps me out when ever I can and If I need someone he is always there for me and he don't use me like other guy's have. Well I started working at a new job and I met this guy and I was attracted to him as soon as I met him and we hit it off great. He came and got me one day after work and took me out to dinner and stuff and me and him hang out a lot now. And I am starting to like him a lot cause he is so much my type of guy and what I have been looking for. And he is all I think about and when I am with my boy he is all I talk about. And I know this guy likes me a lot to. Now I am feeling like my boyfriend is just not what I want anymore and like that I am not attracted to him anymore. My problem is, is that I don't know if I should dump this great guy I have and I know loves me for a guy that I met just a few weeks ago and likes me. I might be dumping a greater guy for a bad one. And my other question is, should I tell my boyfriend that I played on him ONE time with this other guy. I feel bad about it but I don't know if I should tell him or not because I only did it once and I don't know if it will happen again or not. And now my boy is telling me that he don't want me talking to this other guy anymore because he knows that he likes me and I can't just stop talking to him because besides of me and this guy liking each other he is a great friend to. What do I do????????

Dear Lonely and Confused In Love,
Your choice. No one else's. You need more time to make your choice. Sounds right to me. Just because someone was your first love and you wasted a lot of time crying over him doesn't mean you need a return on those tears. Maybe you have outgrown him. Whatever the case may be, you owe it to yourself to take the time to make the choice that is best for you and no one else. Maybe it will be the new fellow. Or maybe you will decide to stay with your first love. Your choice. Take all the time you need to decide and don't let anyone else make your decision for you.
ms. X


Dear msX ~
My friend as recently confided in me telling me that her dad gets drunk alot and hits her. No one in her family would believe her and she doesn't know what to do. how can I help?

Dear Friend,
Any grownup in a school or medical setting, even dentists, are bound to report any child abuse, whether substantiated or not. Get her to the counselor or a sympathetic teacher in school. Once any hint of child abuse is mentioned, they will have to report it to State authorities for an investigation. If she is reluctant to talk, go yourself. The counselor can then pull your friend and interview her. She will very likely spill the bean then as the counselor, forewarned by you, will know the proper questions to ask. When you don't tell, you become an accomplice to the crime. You are a good friend to receive such a confidence. She must trust you a lot.
ms. X


HELP!!

Dear msX ~
I have A LOT of friends (I mean you guys: Marie, Dustin, Hunter, Jess, Trevor, Brittany, Shawna, Hope, Mariah, G.C, Sam, Jonathon etc) I went on vacation recently and I started getting an acne problem. Don't you see? I'll start losing my friends REAL soon, if I can't get rid of it, Iím 16 and in high school. High school starts again in 5 days..... EEEEEEEEEKKKKKkkk. How do I get rid of Acne?

Dear Help-Acne,
A dermatologist or your own pediatrician should be able to prescribe a treatment for acne. Depending on the severity, s/he may prescribe an oral medicine as well as a topical. Diet and hygiene will also be explained, however, most dermatologists agree that adolescent acne is a result of hormones in flux and will go away as one matures. It says nothing at all about your personality or attractiveness and is not a permanent condition. However, that doesn't mean you have to live with it. If there is no access to a doctor, check out some of the available herbal treatments, which you could research online. If you explain to your parents how important this is to you, they may indulge your vanity rather than making you suffer through what is a traditional rite of passage.
ms. X


 

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