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THIS MONTHS DILEMMAS ~ A P R I L '00

 

I'm scared, lost, and confused

Dear msX ~
Okay, I just found out my mom is dying... extremely slowly from something that will haunt her every day and is very evident in her everyday life but that there is no cure for. She doesn't know I know, so I can't talk to her about it. I don't want to tell my best friend because I don't think she will understand and I don't want her to pity me. Also, I live far, far away from any of my family.. so much so that it's not likely I can visit any of them (not that any of them know about this prob., my mom only told one person, who told me only) and I don't know who to talk to. Something else. I'm graduating next year. I don't know what college or country I'll be going to and my grades have been less than what they could be this year, although I have been trying do well lately. School seems almost pointless to me. The only reason I go is because I know it is extremely important to my future and I don't want to let my parents down. I'm grounded right now, so I can't stay at my best friend's house for a break from home, and I'm taking SAT's for the first time this Saturday, which I'm a little skittish about. I have not been able to find any hobby (poetry, guitar, sports, etc.) to let out my frustrations and I don't know what to do. I know all this stress is making me sick because lately I've been really shaky and I can't eat or not eat without feeling bad. I can barely sleep at night, and I have to wake up early for school so that isn't helping, either. I really don't know what to do. I can't talk to anyone about this stuff because if it got back to my mom, she would be extremely mad and disappointed. She doesn't like sharing personal things w/people not in the family. Plus, my dad's in the military, so if anything I said was turned around some or reported, my dad could get in trouble. I have a little sister and I feel really bad because I keep blowing her off so much lately. I just know she'll irritate me (everything is irritating me right now) and I don't want to be mean to her. My brother annoys me A LOT so it's hard to be around him... plus he lies a lot... and my dad's away.... not that I would tell him any of this anyway... well, I don't know if this sounds like a pathetic excuse to write in, because although this letter is all negative, I am grateful for being so lucky.... to have a home, family who loves me, food, etc. I just don't know what to do about all this stuff. I know if I don't do something soon I'll have a breakdown (crying, shakiness, headache, loss of energy and some kind of cold, or flu or something) because I've done it a few times before. The thing is, whenever things get to be too much for me to handle, my mom is the one to talk to me and try to make me feel better. I know she's REALLY stressed right now, and not just about her disease, either... so I don't want to put any more weight on her shoulders. Please help me. I can't call some stupid hotline or anything either, because it will be long distance and {duh} on the phone bill. What do I do? I need an answer soon because I have to feel better by Saturday so I can concentrate and do well on my SAT. Thank you.

Dear Scared, Lost, and Confused,
Secrets become very heavy burdens. You sound like you already have a big weight on your shoulders. Your instincts are telling you to unload your troubles in talking to someone. Your instincts are usually right on target. You need to talk to someone. My suggestion would be to talk to your mother. Let her know that you know. You might be very surprised that she will be relieved. Keeping this secret causes more harm than opening up and letting her know how concerned you are. That's what families do for each other. All these secrets told in the name of protecting people only close doors and hinder communication, just when people need it most. You will be doing your mom a favor and relieving some of the pressure on you. It is probably very difficult for her to act normal around you, and, since you're almost an official grownup, you can be there for her, just as she can be there for you. Tell her you know. Ultimately, it will take the burden off your mom of having to keep it together and act normal, at least in front of you. You can support each other, maybe even have a good cry or two together, rather than keeping it inside. The secret is like a giant pimple. It hurts like hell, pushing to get the infected fluid out. But once it bursts open, even though what comes out is yucky, it feels better and can start to heal. If not allowed to open, the pimple will spread its infection inside of you. That's the shakiness and insomnia you're feeling now. If you absolutely are certain that you can't tell your mother, tell a counselor at school. What you say, short of anything that will put you in danger, will be held confidentially. A counselor can help by listening, but also may have some practical suggestions about the SAT. (Understand that you can take it over again, if this is not a good time for you. It is, after all, only a test and not a matter of life-or-death.) I hope you choose to talk to your mom because I think it would be the best thing for both of you.
Good luck,
ms. X


the 1st real kiss

Dear msX ~
I know this might sound stupid but how do you ''french kiss''? Iím 13 and every one of my friends is telling me to do it with my b/f. he has never done it before either and I told him I did. I need major help. PLEASE HELP ME ASAP!!!!!

Dear First Real Kiss,
A kiss is something private between two people. Every one of your friends have no business being in the middle, first of all. French kissing is just a teenage term for prolonged, open-mouth kissing with tongue-play. When you're ready for it to happen, it will be quite natural. If it still grosses you out, you're obviously not ready to do it. But, it's your decision and your boyfriends, not the rest of the world's.
ms. X


Dear msX ~
summer time is coming and its time to wear a bathing suit. I like to swim but I donít like bathing suits. Iím not fat but I have stretch marks that are visible where you can see if I wear a bathing suit. So I donít have fun cause I always sit out and make excuses. The stretch marks REALLY bother me what can I do to make them disappear or less noticeable. Do I need to lose more weight. Help please!!!!!!

Dear Stretch Marks,
Even slender women can get stretch marks. And, there are only ten or twelve women on earth who like how they look in a swim suit. Bathing suits bring out women's most self-critical feelings, so you are probably multiplying those stretch marks to even bigger proportions than they really are. But, don't give up swimming. That would be spiting yourself because swimming is a constructive thing you can do to get your body into better shape, relax your spirit, and add to your physical and mental health. Start looking now for the most flattering swimsuit you can find. Take your time and try on lots of them. If you wait until it gets really hot, there will be less to choose from and you may not find the one that makes you look terrific. There are lots of attractive, more modest suits out there, you just can't wait until the last minute to find one. Meanwhile, if you think you need to lose weight, swimming would be an excellent form of exercise. Start your dieting now, so you can have a head start on the summer.
ms. X


Dear msX ~
I have been going out with this guy on and off ever since seventh grade. He is really sweet and totally cute, but whenever we are together he always tries to get me to have sex with him. I donít feel anywhere near ready! Iím only 15 and its too much for me to deal with right now. I tried to tell him this and he just keeps coming back thinking I have changed my mind. He doesnít realize that I am waiting until I found someone who meets my criteria and someone I can fall in love with. Its not him and I donít want him to keep bugging me with it! How do I tell him I am not ready to have sex and he needs to shape up before I ever will?

Dear Not Ready,
If you're not ready and you've made that clear to Mr. Miss-the-Mark, you have to limit your time alone with him so no opportunities arise for him to push your boundaries. This could mean planning your time together so that you are always with other people or out in public or by not seeing him at all anymore. If he doesn't meet your criteria now, what makes you think he's going to meet it in the future. I'd do the kind thing and break up with him. Let him pursue those he might just stand a chance with and save yourself from having to always be defending your honor. If he's never going to be the man of your dreams, move on.
ms. X


Peachez

Dear msX ~
I love this guy so much he's so so nice to me and get me anything I want. And I cry when thought of us breaking up enters my mind or him cheating on me. The problem is Iím 13 and he's 19 I turn 14 in July and he turns 20 in October. I told him that I was 15 going on 16 in July and me and him have been together for now 6 months and we already had sex about 20 something times. we do everything together. but me and him are getting closer because he told me that he cares about me and loves me and want us to be together forever. And talking bout he wants me to finish school so me and him can get married. Heís almost ready to settle down with me I mean come on heís a grown man. I want him forever too but I think when he founds out how old I am heís going to break up with me. but he is the only boy that didn't do me wrong and just had sex with me and leave me. he met my auntie and a couple of my cousins and they like him too and I met some of his people too but he told my people that he was 17 so they didn't say anything. what should I do? how do I tell how old I am but still tell him I feel about him and that I still want to be with him?

p.s-he sells drugs but its on the low so heís already breaking the law. but he works at a car shop he fixes cars, and have 2 cars and is very intelligent. please help fast. and he helps me with my problems I used to go to the psychologist or whatever its called but not anymore cause Tony ( my boyfriend) makes me so happy.

Dear Peachez,
You're being delusional. A relationship that is based on a lie can go nowhere. His criminal acts can get you into big trouble, too. Clean up your act before you realize that second chances don't come easy. You are too young to be thinking of marriage. Work on getting yourself together and growing up before you tie yourself down to a drug-dealer. Life is too short to screw up before you even get started.
ms. X


Problem teen

Dear msX ~
My cousin has a teen daughter that lately, has been giving him and his wife trouble. Is there a school like a boot camp for trouble teens that he can enroll her in? Thank you for your help.

Dear Problem Teen,
That is something I can't answer. You could call up one of those talk shows where they have done segments on boot camps and ask them for referrals. Or look into it on the internet. This is something that needs to be very carefully considered and I have no inside knowledge about programs like this. I would hesitate to do this without careful research.
ms. X


TOO SHY

Dear msX ~
I got a little problem. I really like this guy (from what I know about him) but the problem is that I donít really know him that well. What are some suggestions of ways to get to know him?
P.S. He doesnít go to my school, I donít see him a lot and Iím very shy. Please help me.

Dear Too Shy,
You could invite him to some non-threatening event, like a walk-a-thon, or something neutral where there would be lots of other people and it would not appear you were singling him out. Once you have his attention, don't blow it by hiding behind the shy label. If you do that, you're going to have many missed opportunities in your life, so get over it now. As the saying goes, nothing ventured, nothing gained.
ms. X


Trusting My Boyfriend

Dear msX ~
I feel like I can't trust my boyfriend. So far we have been going out for 1 year and we haven't had to many problems, but I feel like he might cheat on me. I think it might be that I am very self conscious about my looks. I don't know, I am trying sooo hard to make my self good for him but I still feel down on myself anyway. He is going away to Europe to his old town for a month and I don't know if I can trust him. Would you trust your boyfriend? He also thinks I might cheat on him but I love him so much. I get very jealous easy for the dumbest things and so does he. What is going on here, some nights I cry myself to sleep because I am so worried, I even make myself sick sometimes. I don't know what to do. Does this mean the relationship is bad? Help me!

Dear Trusting My Boyfriend,
Why do people put themselves in masochistic situations where they feel paranoid and insecure? Do you like going to sleep feeling as if you can never rest easy in your relationship? No, it is not a good sign. Understand that paranoia and jealousy are very unattractive, unproductive traits. Your constant questioning his loyalty and your entitlement to it will undermine any positive feelings he has for you. If you keep it up, he'll wonder if you're right, that he should be looking elsewhere. Loosen up. There's no way you can predict the future. There's no way you can keep him from cheating if he's going to cheat. Wouldn't you want to know sooner rather than later if he is that kind of man? Act like he'd be a fool to look at anyone else but you and you've sent a message that you're valuable and worth his loyalty. Self-doubt is contagious, so keep those thoughts to yourself, girl.
ms. X


I want him BAD!

Dear msX ~
There is this Boy in my school that I like A-LOT! But he likes this other girl, but she is going out with my friend. How can I get him to like me? Oh yeah and he said he was going to go out with me but I donít know when or if he was just saying that to make me feel better. I invited him to my grandpas house this weekend, Was that a good idea or do you think I should cancel it, but we will be alone and no one will bother us. Please help ASAP!!

Dear I want him Bad,
These things have a way of playing themselves out. People change who they like all the time when they're young. It's all practice for the real stuff later. All I can tell you is that who people like can change overnight at your age, so don't put too much stock in today's pick.
ms. X


NEW TRICKS ?

Dear msX ~
My g/f and I have been dating for 2 years now and she wants to spice up our sex life by adding one of her lady friends. This is kinda new to me. This girl is someone we both know and like, as a friend. But I donít know if itís right because what if she gets jealous? Can you help me?

Dear New Tricks,
I myself have a problem with threesomes. One party always gets a little left out. It could even turn out to be you. Don't even enter into this game unless you are prepared to lose everything connected with it. Could it be your girlfriend is testing you to see how you'd react?
ms. X


life

Dear msX ~
Drugs seem to be eating my soul. I cant sleep or stop crying. I have no support in my friends or family and feel completely cold and alone. I fear my future and am ashamed of my past. On top of this I might have contracted a STD. I sometimes believe I feel to much but cant control my emotions. Have I gone insane, and if not whatís wrong with me? Why cant I stop doing drugs and feel like a real person? DEAD ON ARRIVEAL

Dear Drug Problems,
You know you need to seek professional treatment. Writing those soul-wrenching words will perhaps discourage some others from entering a drug world. That's a good deed you've done. And, only someone who's been there can understand the extent of your pain, so you need to enter treatment. Run to a counselor and get yourself into a rehab program. Your life is salvageable and you can go on to make a difference in this world. Please don't let the drugs win this battle. Find yourself the proper allies who can help you beat your addiction and reclaim your soul. My heart goes out to you, Good luck,
ms. X


why me?

Dear msX ~
Okay I like this guy (Will call him Alex) and well We meet in weird circumstances and well Now I have this friend that I think likes him Im not sure but she acts like if she does. Well she told people I was with him and this guy ask him and that guy said Alex said hell no I wonít date her Well he sends me weird signals my sister says he likes me but I donít know what to do. I need advice and quick .!!!! What should I do?

Dear Why Me? Mixed signals?
I'd wait and see what develops. When we get our friends and their friends involved in our crushes, it is inevitable that signals get mixed. Stop sending messages through third parties and confiding in others and see if he makes any moves in your direction on his own. The more parties you involve, the harder it will be to your signals straight.
ms. X


addicted to mad love

Dear msX ~
I have been having mad sex every night. it is so much fun. but I am addicted to it and I am madly in love with my boyfriend. I do not know who I am writing to so this is really stupid. goobye.

Dear Addicted to Mad Love,
Maybe part of your addiction is the need to share your news with others. For some, isn't that a big part of the thrill? Others don't need to broadcast it. Different strokes...
ms. X


I am a sister that needs help!!

Dear msX ~
I am the oldest of four girls and I have a 17 year old sister who is dating an 18 year old guy. Ok first this guy is a plain out loser when he gets drunk he is a complete psycho and is a threatening guy he threatened to kill himself the first time my sister broke up with him. Then he has called me a fat ass bitch like 3 times when I was over his house one time and he was drunk. Then ever since that I have ignored him when he has said hi to me and I donít say hi to him at all and then he offers me to buy stuff but I refuse and I say no thanks and my sister gets mad at the fact that I donít give him the time of day and I told why should I oh and then one time I had told my parents why I hate him so much and he was on the phone with my sister so he knows I hate him!!!!! Then another time he was sick and I told my sister he probably has a disease and she went and told him and he told her he is never coming over anymore. Ok well that is not true because I hate it when he comes over all they do is watch TV he could do that at home I donít see why he has to come over here. While he was sick for a week my sister met this guy named Jesse and asked him for his digits and then invited him over but while he was over she made me when her boyfriend called to tell him she wasnít home . Jesse doesnít know she has a boyfriend and he really really likes her and he is a complete 360 from her current boyfriend so who do you think she should go with the guy who treats her like dirt or the guy that is the same age as her and has a good head on his shoulder? her current boyfriend has moldy teeth and he smokes and they do the nasty all the time!!! So I need help please answer my problem asap

Dear Sister,
You already know the answer. But, you can't force her to make the choice you know is the sensible one, can you? Just offer your advice and let her see for herself. If you harp too much, she might not even give the good guy a chance, just to spite you. So say your piece, then lighten up, shut up, and see if Prince Charming can't charm your little sister away from the evil Troll. Nice of you to care so much, she is a lucky girl.
ms. X


WHAT SHOULD I DO!!!!

Dear msX ~
Iím 15 and this guy ask me out over the phone and that was only our second time talking ever. There is more to the story, He's 17 and my mother doesnít want me going with anybody 17 and up but me and him have talked since then and I sort of kind of like him.
P.S. Iím 5'11 and He's 5'9!!

Dear What Should I Do,
So far all you've done is talk. Give it some time to see if he is worth the hassle of presenting to your mother. If he is a real fellow of quality, maybe she will see him as an individual and not just an older guy who's maybe looking to take advantage of her little girl. If you lie to start out, you'll only make her think you had something negative to hide, so try introducing him to her little by little. If you adhere to her rules, she might just find that you are better off with an older, more level-headed young man than with some of the coarser guys your own age.
Good luck,
ms. X


confused

Dear msX ~
one day I asked my boyfriend who is 19 years old if I was to get pregnant from him would he take care of his baby, he said yes but last week we had sex and the condom bust on his nut was everywhere I thought I was pregnant but Iím not he thought I was so I said Tony Iím pregnant to see his reaction and he ok tomorrow you are going to the doctor to get an abortion and I was like no and he said well Iím going to kill myself and why are you pressuring me so much. I was surprised to hear that and he sounded serious. I wanna know that is this reaction from being afraid of the responsibility or is he just cheating on me and don't want the other girl to find out? but then I finally told him that I wasn't pregnant.

Dear Confused,
What kind of games are you playing? If you sleep with someone, you should know them well enough to predict how'd they react. Pregnancy is always a consequence of sex, so it should have been discussed as a what if before it became an issue. If you're going to have sex, you have to have established some playing rules with regard to consequences. STDs, pregnancy, monogamy...these things should be out on the table up front and not come as a surprise. Pretending to be pregnant is a dirty trick. While his reaction stinks big, your counter reaction is even worse. Saying you're going to kill yourself is emotional blackmail on a despicable level. I wouldn't be surprised if your underhanded methods sent him running right into the arms of another woman. One who plays fair.
ms. X


I need MAJOR help

Dear msX ~
Hi, I have a major problem, and you are my last hope. Ive talked to a lot of my friends about this, and all of them said that if she was a real friend she wouldnít be mad, and she would have understood. Hereís my problem. A few days ago, I was going to have a few friends over. My best friends and 2 guys. My friend liked both of these guys. Anyway, it turned out she couldnít make it, and a lot of other people couldnít. So it was just me, these 2 guys and one of my other girlfriends. We hung out a while, and me and one of these guys got really close, and he ended up fingering me. So I felt bad about keeping a secret from the girl that likes this boy, so I told her. She was ok about it, but the next day (today) she hates me, she wont talk to me, she wont listen to my pleads. And I donít know what to do. Way back in October we got into this major fight which lasted until January. I donít want that to happen again, and she keeps saying how many times are you going to hurt me until to finally figure it out. Im at a loss. I need major help. Please, Im begging you, help me, I have no other options. Please....


Dear I Need Major Help,
Loose lips sink ships. Keep them closed and you won't get into trouble.
ms. X


Studies

Dear msX ~
I don't know whether I should worry much about this because it is not my time yet. I am 17 and very worried about my future. I have an ambition to become a chiropractor .as my brother is on his way now. After my high school examinations, I have to determine what I wanna be. The problem is, all my parent's savings would be used up for his studies in USA, therefore, if I wanna be a chiropractor I would face financial problems. At first, my parents said that if my brother could get a scholarship. everything would be fine and I can study that course. I had high hopes and motivation to study and strive hard but now my dad suddenly discourage me to study in chiropractic field. His words made me felt like giving up everything. I am loosing my interest to study now although I am one top student in class. Please help me with an advise. thank you..

Dear Studies,
Do not let anyone, even your parent, discourage you from following your dreams in life. You only get one shot, and, there is no reason on earth you should not aim as far and as wide as you can imagine. It may be difficult, finding ways to pay for your education, I grant you. You may have to work and study part-time or take out student loans. You may have to change your timetable and work at a slower pace. But, these are not reasons to give up. Make your plans and act as though there is no doubt you will accomplish them. Confidence begets confidence and opportunity comes to those who move in a forward fashion. Good luck and never give up,
ms. X


friend problem

Dear msX ~
Help!! I was just ditched by all my friends. What should I do? I am beside myself.

Dear Friend Problem,
Use your solitary time to ponder why they ditched you. In order to have a friend, you have to be a friend. Think about it.
ms. X


What to do??

Dear msX ~
Okay me and my bf just broke up, and it was for a stupid reason. I hung up on him, and that made him mad. Well me and his cousin are really good friends, and she wants us to get back together. I do to. Any suggestions on the situation? Please help me, because he is one guy that I don't want to loose, despite his flaws.....

Dear What to Do?
Sometimes people seize upon a stupid reason as an opportunity to end a relationship. I am not sure if this is the case with your fellow, but if you try without success, you might want to consider that he was going to break up with you anyway and used the hang-up as an opportunity to initiate it. His cousin has no bearing on this. The two of you pushing will probably only drive him further away.
ms. X


I miss her

Dear msX ~
This is a little confusing but I will start from the beginning. My best friend, Krystal, moved next door to me in October of 1999. Since then we have become the greatest of friends telling each other everything and helping each other through the hardest of times. Well last week her mother wanted to just pick her up and move her out of state and her mother finally said that she could spend the rest of the school year with us at our school, Cumberland Valley High School. Well, I found out the other day that her mother changed her mind and wanted her to move down the NOW! She had to come home from school pack her stuff and then leave. We'll she moved yesterday and I am having an extremely hard time dealing with it. This has happened before but it wasnít as hard to deal with. I don't even know when I will get to see her again, if I do. She means a great deal to me and she is living in the worst neighborhood you could possible move your own daughter to. her father is trying together back and if he doesn't succeed I will never see her again. Please help...

Dear I Miss Her,
I appreciate that you are a kind and caring friend. Krystal is lucky to have had you in her life. But, this story seems to have many different versions...Krystal's, her mother's, her father's versions are all only pieces of the truth. There's probably alot of serious stuff that no one's telling you. All you can do is let Krystal know you are there. Call or write her and be a good listener when she tells you her story. Her family has to work out their stuff and you, unfortunately, for all your good intent, have little impact on what will happen. Sorry, I know it hurts to lose a friend under any circumstances,
ms. X


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