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THIS MONTHS DILEMMAS ~ M A R C H '00

 

mom wont let me off the hook...dorky sister told on me

Dear msX ~
I lied to my mom telling her I was gonna go out with this girl named Stacy to go do schoolwork. I was really with this guy. My sister saw us and the dork told my mom. Now Iím grounded for a month....he's moving in a month! HELP!! Please respond

Dear Dorky Sister,
If he's moving in a month, this relationship obviously has a limited run. Unless you want to get busted in another lie and blow any trust your mom may have left in you, I would stay grounded and see if I could catch a minute or two with him in school. Otherwise you're going to lose your mom's trust and you will need it much, much more as you get older and acquire more privileges. If you lie again and get caught, don't blame your mother for tightening the reins when you've really asked for it. See if you can win her trust and negotiate seeing him after your punishment is over, but practice being honest.
ms. X


Cute guy I have yet to meet.

Dear msX ~
I am 17, well, I will be on March 24, and I am a junior in high school. There is a really cute senior guy at my school I have yet to meet. I have no classes with him, I don't have the same lunch session as him, and he's not in any clubs. He seems like a nice guy, kind of a loner, and that's good. I am a bit of a loner myself. The problem is that I don't know how to meet him. If I seem him in the hall, am I just supposes to approach him and introduce myself? How do I do it without scaring him off and how do I do it so that we will have a chance to start dating? I think I am attractive, so I have at least a small chance with him. I don't wish to date any of my guy-friends and most of the guys in my classes are dorks or they are really conceited. I am in advanced classes, so that is why, I suppose. My point is that my choices are limited, so dating someone out of my social circle and not in my classes is my only choice. How do I break the ice, what is the best way to meet him and get him to date me?

Dear Cute Guy I Have Yet to Meet,
Humor is a great conduit for making a connection. If you see him in the hallways, perhaps you can do it with a joke or share a funny observation about your common school experience with him. Or, if he's taken a class with a teacher you're thinking of taking next year, ask him his opinion. You could open with something like, "I see you're taking a class with ________. What do you think of it? I'd ask so-and-so, but you're much more evolved, do you think you could give me some input?" Chances are he will be flattered and you will have something real to talk about, so you could actually have a conversation and see if he is really worth pursuing.
Good luck,
ms. X


best friend?...or...boyfriend?

Dear msX ~
I was never in this one particular guy's classes and I never saw him in school, but when I got AOL last April I started talking to him and we have a lot in common. We became good friends very quickly. When school started again I was placed in most of his classes. We became BEST friends and everything was going really well. He told me he liked me two months ago and now I think I have feelings for him. Over the last month we have been even closer. He told some of my friends that he really wants to go out with me and I do want to go out with him. You are probably wondering what the problem is...! Well, the problem is that I am in a co-ed middle school, and I am an 8th grader. Next year I am going to an all-girls school and he is going to an all-boys school. We live five minutes away from each other so we would still see each other, but I don't know if I am going to want to be involved with him next year because there are so many new people I will meet and so many new boyfriend possibilities. Plus, the school I am in now I have many acquaintances, but very few friends. My acquaintances do not know him and they don't like him. That is one of the reasons I don't want to go out with him. I am very confused because I don't want to tell him how I feel because if I tell him I have feelings for him and I decide I don't want to go out with him I may lose my best friend. If I tell him I like him and we go out chances are we will brake up before high school and I will lose a good friend. If I don't tell him he might get sick of waiting for me and I will miss my chance. If I wait until high school then I am not sure if I will ever go out with him and what will happen to our friendship. I am very confused and I feel like I'm stuck no matter what! I have never met a sweeter, more mature, and sensitive guy and the last thing I want is to ruin our friendship, but I really do have feelings for him! HELP!

Dear Best Friend or Boyfriend,
You are putting the cart before the horse. It is good to be cautious, but worrying about what will be in ninth grade when you're still in the middle of eighth is a bit much. If you were to date, you might break up before that time anyway for a hundred and one other reasons, no? But, I see your point about not wanting to lose your wonderful friend. Why don't you just keep things as they are and let them evolve naturally without planning for the
next millenium. If he is as wonderful as you think he is, then you shouldn't hold your friends' opinions...actually did I hear you say they were really acquaintances?...in such high regard. How would they know him the way you know him and why do you assume they have your best interests at heart?
ms. X


Missing a Cheater

Dear msX ~
Recently my boyfriend of 2 years and I broke up. We had been together on and off for over 4 years. He is my first love. I am 17 years old and Im a Junior. We go to different schools and we didn't get to see each other that often because our relationship was kept secret from our parents. The reason we couldn't tell our parents is because he is black and I'm white but that didn't keep us apart because we loved each other, well at least I thought he loved me. About 2 months ago this girl at school began to try and break us up, thats what I thought she was doing. Well 2 weeks ago she asked one of my friends if me and my boyfriend were still going out and she told her yes. The girl said that my boyfriend and her had been talking for 2 months. At first I didn't believe her because he told me that she was just saying that to break us up, so the next day she called me and told me what was going on. She said that he told her that we had broken up. She also said that they went to the movies together. I called him and he finally admitted to it. So I broke up with him. He started crying and said that he was so sorry and that he knew he missed up. The next day at school me and the other girl started talking about all the stuff he told her. She said that he told her a month ago that his love for me was gone but that he still cared about me. Of course he denied saying that and told me that he still loved me. I lost my virginity to him and even though he was cheating on me, he continued having sex with me. In fact the day before we broke up we had sex. It's been 2 weeks now since we broke up and he has only called me once. I heard that he was still talking to that other girl but I'm not for sure. I miss him so much. I can't seem to stop thinking about him. The night we broke up he made me promise to keep in touch and stay good friends, but he hasn't even bothered to call me. I know that he still cares for me, but I am not for sure that he still loves me. He told me that maybe someday we might be able to get back together. I don't know why I would want to be with someone that hurt me the way he did. Can you please help me and tell me what you think I should do?

Dear Missing a Cheater,
Clandestine romances are very intoxicating, but so hard on one's soul. You can't share your joy with friends and family when you're happy, and you can't share your tears when it ends. Not only are you smarting over your guy's betrayal, but you can't be public about it, and, if you are, everyone will say, Ah hah, we told you so. So, you've lost your lover and confident and right now you need someone to talk to, when, for any other unhappiness, it would have been him you talked to, right? Maybe not having anyone to confide this in is making it worse. Not a happy place to be in, hon. I am sorry. But, cheating is putting you in a dangerous position. Not only is it interfering with your emotional state, it could be very toxic in this age of STD's. Be glad you've been made aware of his indiscretion, so you can know what you're dealing with in any future encounters with him. I don't know what the future will hold for the two of you, if anything, but I do know that you should learn something from this experience, but be aware that betrayers come in all colors, shapes, genders. You may miss him now, but even if he returned to you, could you trust him again completely?
ms. X


confused!

Dear msX ~
Whatís up?? Well thereís this guy that I really like alot can u give me with some tips to get him I want him really bad I have talked to him what else should I do!! help! asap!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Dear Confused,
People, guys and girls, generally like to be listened to. Ask him some questions about a part of him you find interesting and really listen to his answers. Compliment him, but not excessively. Smile. People generally like to be around other people who make them feel good about themselves and are pleasant to be around. But, too much flattery, though, can come across as insincere. Find something about him you can honestly say something good about, as in I like the way you... or You always make me smile because... and then sit back and see if he responds.
ms. X


girl problems

Dear msX ~
Here is my problem, Iím 16, and have had a few girlfriends but not really serious. I was wondering how I can ask a girl to go out seriously. Please help

Dear Girl Problems,
Here's the deal - before you do serious, you have to do lightweight. No one moves straight to seriously going out in one giant step. So, just continue as you are and play the field. This part of dating is about finding out what you like and don't like in a partner. Auditioning and being auditioned. When you have a little more experience, you'll know what you're looking for in a girl. It is when people really connect because they've taken the time to get to know each other that they move to the serious plateau. Don't be in such a rush, enjoy the process.
ms. X


the girls

Dear msX ~
I'm 16 years old and there are a few girls I like right now. I really like one of them and I know I wouldn't be able to cheat on her, or still see the other two. But that one i'm still not sure of what she thinks of me, Iím pretty sure she likes me. My ex-girlfriend, I started talking with her again, and I know for sure that she would take me back. The third girl, I like her a lot and she only lives a block away from me, but I kinda know that she doesn't want a serious relationship. But that is also what I want, be with her for a while, do what we do, talk with her once in a while, then do what I want. I'm just not sure which one I should ask. Then how to ask. In any way u can help, please. CONFUSED

Dear The Girls,
Is there a deadline for making your decision? Is that your final answer? These things evolve in time. If you feel you want to cheat, you aren't ready to choose one. So don't do it. As time goes by and things develop, you will be more ready to make a choice, or the choice will already have been made for you.
ms. X


Bad Touch

Dear msX ~
I am 14 years old and I need help. yesterday a boy in my school that I didn't know very well came up to me and started touching my breasts and asked & tried to get me to take my shirt off. I says no and slapped him. well, I told my 2 best friends and they made me report it to the principal because I wasn't going to. now it seems like the whole school hates me. even though this guy admitted to doing it during a taped interview with a detective and our school resource officer everybody (with the exception of maybe 6 of my closest friends) think I made it up to get attention. I tried telling them that if I wanted to just get attention then I wouldn't have made up something this serious. also if he didn't do it why would he admit to it? DUH!!! these 2 girls in particular (1 is his cousin, 1 I thought was 1 of my good friends) like totally hate me now. it hurts. even though I decided not to press charges everybody is still mad. I didnít tell a few of his friends however that if they continued to say stuff like that about me and harass me then I would press charges. what should I do? please help me!! I don't want to die but I am in tears right now because I have a feeling that it would be the only way out.

Dear Bad Touch,
You did the right thing. It is sad that you are being punished for it, but sometimes in our culture, the victim gets blamed. You really did not expect
his people to applaud you, did you? Get a grownup at the school aware of the aftermath and make sure you have protection from his cronies. But, as far as everyone else is concerned, it is really none of their business. Talking about it to anyone other than your immediate family and bestest of friends should be off-limits. Sorry you had to have that experience.
ms. X


I love Carlo/Pat

Dear msX ~
I was going out with this boy named Carlo and he dumped me in a week to go out with this other girl Amanda and I still luv him! Before I knew Amanda dumped him I was asked out by Carlo's best friend Pat. I like Carlo Alot more and want to go out with him but Iím going out with his best friend pat. Carlo still liked me and will go out with me if something happened to me and pat! but I don't want to break pats heart! Cause then I will be a player and I am a player hater! what do I do? HELP!
thanks so much,

Dear I love Carlo/Pat,
Maybe all those players you've been hating are simply young people who are uncertain about who they want to spend their time with. Now that you're in the same shoes, can't you see that tying yourself to one person when you really want to be with another is bad for everyone concerned? Players might just have the good sense to move on when it's time to move on. You're at an age when it's time to taste all the flavors before you decide which one you want to make your favorite. Don't worry, his heart will mend.
ms. X


What did I do?

Dear msX ~
I am really good friends with this guy. But I have a boyfriend. I really ,really, like my boy friend and have no feeling for this other guy. Every time I see the guy at school and stuff, we hug. We also hang out a lot. I still do spend time with my boyfriend. My boyfriend noticed our friendship and got mad. Is that wrong? Am I cheating? Help?

Dear What did I do?
It is not cheating. Your boyfriend is acting insecure. Assure him this is just a friendship and let him hang out with you guys. If he continues to make a fuss, I might just question why he is so insecure. Every girl should have a platonic male friend.
ms. X


babysitting

Dear msX ~
Well I baby-sit for a 6 year old but her parents are divorced ok and her mothers boyfriend drives me home after babysitting but he is a bit weird and my parents are worried that I am not safe but I really want to keep babysitting cause the girl I baby-sit is really nice help??

Dear Babysitting,
Have your mom call this lady and ask her to make other arrangements for getting you home. Put all the blame on your parents, saying they do not allow you in cars with strange men, no matter who they belong to. Maybe she could send you in a taxi, take you herself, or your mom could come and get you. The type of danger your parents are worried about is not the kind of thing for your to brush aside. Heed their instincts.
ms. X


Which one do I choose?

Dear msX ~
Ok. here is my problem. I am going out with this really great guy. he is one of the nicest people I have ever met. but recently my old boyfriend just moved away. I keep in contact with him. but I have never felt this way for anyone before in my life! I feel like a part of me has been taken away. he moved quite a while back about dec.12 last year. we had been broken up for a long time before he moved but we were still great friends. I think I am in love with the boy who moved. what do I do? I know long distance relationships never work out but I also don't want to break up with the boyfriend I have now. he is real sweet and we've been going out for a month and we haven't even disagreed on anything! what do I do? tell him how I feel? let it go? what? please help?

Dear Which One Do I Choose?
I personally see no reason to choose either. One is a pen-pal, a phone-pal, or a computer pal. You are realistic enough to know long-distance relationships fail, so don't call it that. Keep your boyfriend and continue to communicate with the old one. See where that takes you. Right now, I wouldn't make any choices.
ms. X


Mom's resentful son

Dear msX ~
I am confused about the way I should feel. My mom left the family because she claims she could not take my dad's lack of support in raising us (three kids), his absence, and his constant yelling and failed attempts at communication. My dad says she left due to an extra-marital affair she is having. My Dad has said a lot of terrible things about my mom which has possibly led to my resentment and disrespect for my mom.

I don't want to talk to or see my mom. Even though she has made attempts to mend things, My dad's words still ring in my ears. How can I get over this feeling of betrayal and resentment that I have set up for my mom.

I love my mom very much but I am a bit confused about how I should feel towards her.

I know now that there is no chance of my parent's marriage working out, but I don't want to have these feelings about my mom that I now have.

As a teenager what questions are appropriate to ask my mom, Is there anything that I should expect my mom to say that may help me to better understand why she abandon us.

Dear Mom's Resentful Son,
Your dad was really out-of-line, confiding to you about your mother's alleged infidelity. He is stamping your perception with his own view, which is that of a husband. He has a different relationship, a different history with your mother. Your mother may have some really legitimate complaints about your dad, and what she does tell you might only be the tip of the iceberg. You really do not and should not know the extent or nature of the problems they have. It is between them. I would politely tell both my parents that you are not the monkey-in-the-middle. When they lay this stuff on you, put on your headphones and politely tell them that you don't want to hear it. Work at making separate relationships with both your parents, even if they are not ideal relationships, they should not be influenced by two people who very obviously have little regard for each other. You are not them, your feelings are entitled to be different. Boy, you caught a bad break, didn't you, having your folks break up and now they each want you to take their sides. Tell them no. Even if you have an awful relationship with mom, it should be independent of dad's awful relationship with her. They can divorce each other, but you can't divorce them. Let go of the hatred. It really does hurt you more than it hurts your mother, and I am sure that it slices her to the core.
ms. X


My friend's being a bitch!

Dear msX ~
My supposed friend is ignoring me and my other friend and calling us immature, she stole a boy who she knew I liked-which is very upsetting seen as I can't get a boyfriend.- There is no-one in high school who I like so there is absolutely no hope for me at all!

Dear My Friend's Being a Bitch,
There are another seventy to eighty years after high school, so don't tell me there is no hope. These things change from day to day. There will be other boys, other friends, and lots more maturity. Give it time.
ms. X


Just Sex or More?

Dear msX ~
Hi, I was with my friend at her brother's apartment, because we were staying the night there. My friend's brother's roommate told my friend that he wanted to sleep with me that night. I wasn't sure if he really liked me or what? He and I ended up fooling around in his room and then having sex. He kept asking if I was okay, or if I was sure. I kept saying that I was, and I was. Afterwards, he was saying stuff like, how will I keep in touch with you? how will I see you? cuz he lives about 20 minutes or less from my house, and I'm 15, he's 19. He doesn't have his license and he was saying, I don't have my license now, but am getting it in about two weeks and I'll be able to take you places. He said this about 4-5 days ago (from the day that I send this too you) I told my friend what he said to me and my friend said that maybe he was trying to do things right this time. I am not sure, but it sorta sounded to me like he might like me... Can you help me out in this?

Dear Just Sex or More,
That's the problem with casual sex. You never know where you stand and since you gave in so easily, there's nothing he has to do to win you over. Not even to take you for a piece of pizza. Maybe he does like you, but I would quickly set the rules before I slept with him again. How do you get into that position with someone you're not sure of, very dangerous, very stupid? Just because someone pays you attention, doesn't mean you have to have sex. At least make him take you out first.
ms. X


Ex- Girl Friend Problem

Dear msX ~
Well.. Iíll start out wit the beginning I liked this girl for about 8 months and I waited for her to answer me when I asked her out for 6 months and then she finally answered me and then we did finally end up going out...for 4 months and then she decided that we shouldnít go out and I mean I love this girl (I know Iím only 14) But I mean I really like her alot and she likes me again and I donít know what would make me happier to try and go out with her or just try and get over her cuz when we broke up I went through a lot of alcohol and stuff.. the only thing I didnít like bout her was she had this mood swing attitude.. what do u think I should do? try and go for her or just let it go?

Dear Ex-Girlfriend Problem,
That's just how fourteen year old girls are. I would wait it out. What's your rush?
ms. X


guy problem

Dear msX ~
My friend and this guy broke up in April of last year. I met him in December and we clicked. We talk on the computer and phone, but we haven't been able to go out because of scheduling conflicts. I found out that my friend still has very strong feelings for this guy. I don't want to hurt her, but I really like this guy. She has seen other people since their break. I don't know if he has. So should I go for it or not?

Dear Guy Problem,
I think this needs to be discussed, first with you and the boy, to see if it's worth risking your friendship. Then, if there is a potential relationship of value, talk to your friend and see if she would be affected by your dating. She may surprise you and have moved on. Then I would weigh what I heard from both of them and make a careful decision.
Good luck,
ms. X


age difference

Dear msX ~
I am five years older than the girl I like do you think thats bad?

Dear Age Difference,
That depends upon how old you are. Five years is a huge chasm in one's teens, a river in one's twenties, and a blink later on. If you are an adult and she is a minor, I see problems. But, if you are both adults, people have overcome much more vast age differences.
ms. X


what love is

Dear msX ~
My 14yr.old stepdaughter asked me what love is. Keep in mind she has been diagnosed as being clinically depressed & or bipolar, she is on medication, seems to help but she has history of drug abuse & having sex with many people just to be accepted. or I think just to feel loved. How should I answer her???

Dear Step-parent,
Feel proud that she felt she could talk to you. I would tell her love is different for everyone, but it always entails mutual respect, kindness, and loyalty. I take it she is already in counseling. You might be looking to give her an exact answer, when all she wants is a conversation or discussion where you both talk without censure. You must be special to have won the trust of someone with so much baggage.
ms. X


Teased

Dear msX ~
There is this boy I really like. I don't think he likes me very much. This is my first year being in his class. My mom teases me about it. I'm not sure what to do. My mom thinks it is a big joke when I talk about it. Do I express my feelings to him or try not to let him know I like him?

Dear Mom-Teased,
That is not very mature of your mother. She should realize that, just as she went through her first crushes, you are entitled to yours without being patronized. She probably just wants to keep you aware that you are still a kid and not really ready for big time love yet. But, if you can't have a crush without her teasing, how can you possibly get ready? These beginning relationships are practice for later on. As for the object of your affection, you can let him know that you like him without letting him know that you
like him. If he says something you find funny or smart, you can say something complimentary. You can be nice to someone without them having to think you want to marry them. Relax and enjoy.
ms. X


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