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THIS MONTHS DILEMMAS ~ F E B R U A R Y '00x page 7

 

Confused!!!

Dear msX ~
My best friend who also is my crush keep sending me mixed emotion's what should I do?

Dear Confused,
What are your options? Ask him outright to clarify or wait it out? Both are okay choices. Your pick.
ms. X


Dear msX ~
You see, this girl that I have met happens to like me and I like her. I can tell that she wants me to ask her out but I don't know if I'm rushing our relationship. What do you think?

Dear Killer 14964,
You don't have to ask her to accompany you to the prom yet. My suggestion is to start small. A slice of pizza together could not be construed as moving too fast. Casual stuff, no pressure. Nothing she has to buy a new dress for, at least until you have an idea of what you both want to commit to this relationship. So don't bring her any corsages, but do ask her if she wants to catch a movie.
ms. X



Dear msX ~

I have been going out with this girl for 6 months but I broke up with her because there were a lot of problems between us. Now there is this other girl that I really like a lot. I have just started talking to her for about 2 to 3 hours a night. I had someone ask her if she liked me. She said I was a really good friend but she didn't like me that way. But other people tell me that she really likes me. I don't know what to do. Should I just ask her myself if she likes me or what?

Dear How to Tell,
You can do one of two things. You can ask her straight out now if she wants to go out with you. That leaves you the possibility of being rejected, maybe only because you approached her before she was ready to consider you as anything other than a friend and you jumped the gun. Or, you can bide your time and build a friendship with this girl. At any point in the future, you can make your move. Then she might just be more receptive to you, knowing you better and seeing you in a different role. I'd opt for being patient, as you still get to hang with her and talk to her, but if you put pressure on her, you might even lose that.
ms. X


Friends

Dear msX ~
I have been friends with this kid for a long about 8 years now. I just started going out with this girl. He really likes her too. I have done some bad things like I cheated on her 3 times but we have always worked things out. She told me that he talks bad about me to her. We have broken up about 2 times because he makes up stuff and gets us in fights. I think he does it because he likes her too. But it is really making me mad. I want to be his friend. I have asked about it, he said he never talked bad about me. What do I do about him saying stuff behind my back?
J.

Dear J,
Put yourself in your friend's shoes. He wants your girl. He knows you don't really want her, because he knows you've cheated on her, not just once, but multiple times. He feels he would be better for her because obviously a guy is not going to risk a long term friendship for a girl he just feels casually about. So, Jake, unless you're really sincerely going to commit to your relationship with this girl, show some understanding. I'm not telling you to hand over your girlfriend to him...that would be her call. But, don't lose a friendship over something that's bound to be over before the season's change. A friendship of eight years is worth much more than a rocky relationship of a couple of months.
ms. X


guy problems!!!!!

Dear msX ~
I need help. I donít really think I am ugly but I canít seem to get any guys. I am really outgoing and nice and funny I donít know if its because of something I did... well me and my friend did something that might of ruined our reputation but I donít think so because my friend has a got a guy. I donít know how to get a guy I think that might be my problem????? There is a guy that I like and I think he likes me but I donít know how to get it out of him?? well donít get me wrong I have got alot of guys in the past but now its all going downhill please help me ASAP I need help?? what do I do????

Dear Guy Problems,
Sounds like you are just experiencing a temporary dry period. Relax and use this time to boost yourself up by paying attention to yourself. Your value is not determined by whether or not you currently have a guy. That kind of believing makes you seem desperate, and desperate does not make for attractive, dear. Work on yourself and let this in-between time serve you well.
ms. X


Can't choose

Dear msX ~
I just recently started going out with this guy. He is really sweet and would never so anything to hurt anyone. well I have also recently become good friends with this new boy. he is really cute and I love to hang out with him he is really cool. well a bunch of my friends and I went to the movies and to my house before that. One of my girlfriends was hanging all over the new boy and he doesn't even like her. well it kinda made me jealous and since that night Iím not sure who I wanna be with the new boy or my boyfriend. I keep thinking about the new boy! I don't know what to do. oh yah also the new boy is really popular and we hang out with different groups and so far (for the 4 weeks that he's been here) Iím the only one he's given his number to. my bff said she thinks he likes me. What do I do? I know people say you have to fallow your heart, but I don't know what my heart is saying.!!!!!! help me please!!!!!

Dear Can't Choose,
The new guy sounds like quite a trophy, if you get my drift. But, I hardly believe that you know the other guy well enough to know that he would never do anything to hurt anyone. Get real, you barely know either of these guys well enough to follow your heart without a compass. There's nothing wrong with liking more than one person until you have enough information to make a choice. You need much more input before you know what you want.
ms. X


Confused

Dear msX ~
I really like this guy but I can't tell if he likes me. He knows that I like him I've been honest about my feelings. He told me that he cared about me but I'm not sure if that means anything. So you understand him a little better he's not a really open person, he doesn't go to anyone with problems he thinks he can handle anything by himself. He told me that he didn't want me to care about him, I don't understand what he means by that? Should I forget about him, or just continue to be his friend?

Dear Confused,
Once I got over my astonishment that anyone would want to be a partner in a relationship with someone who's not really an open person, my reaction is this. He knows how you feel, he knows your number. The ball is in his court. You can be there when he returns the serve or you can move on. Be prepared though, should a relationship begin, that this guy's got issues. Why not look for someone a little more together?
ms. X


friends or not?

Dear msX ~
Okay, well my best friend of going on four years now is a guy. I've always thought he was hot, and I used to have a crush on him and I still kinda do. Were always kinda flirty towards each other all the time, and all of our friends say were going to get married. This week for my birthday he sent me flowers, and wrote me a poem saying how much he loves me. Do you think there could be something going on? I'm afraid to ask or say anything?

Dear Friends or Not?
There is definitely something going on. Remove the blindfold, girl, this guy wants you!
ms. X


Regarding my last problem- Rejected-

Dear msX ~
You answered my last problem really well and I am very grateful. It helped me a lot, Thank you.-Rejected- But you said to find some other boys, well, here is the problem with that- boys just don't seem to like me any more, and the ones that do, usually live quite far away. Also I go to an all-girls school which makes it even harder and the boys in the clubs I go to are only up for a snog. I want a proper boyfriend. So really, my only chance is in this gang- which, by the way I feel a little more comfortable in- but they still haven't set me up yet, is someone from up-above trying to tell me something? Maybe I was destined to be a nun. HELP!

Dear Regarding My Last Problem,
There is an awful lot of territory between becoming a gang moll and becoming a nun. I suggest you explore less extreme avenues in that in-between area. As for where the boys are, find a job or do some volunteer work. Even if there are no boys on the horizon, meeting new people will open up social avenues for you. You will meet people who know other people and, frankly, most relationships hook-up through introductions.
ms. X


Unknowing

Dear msX ~
I may be a little young for this topic, but what is love? I mean real, true love? And how can you tell if you are in love?

Dear Unknowing,
This question has plagued people for all-time. There are no clear answers. Sometimes, especially when one is young, love gets confused with infatuation and/or lust. But, even grownups have problems recognizing true love, as it sometimes wears disguises. Just remember that friendship is an important component of love.
ms. X


a guy problem (not a surprise)

Dear msX ~
I like this guy, and we were close to kissing, but I stopped him because the place where we were just wasn't appropriate... anyway... we went out last weekend (about 9 days ago) and I wrote him a letter a few days later, explaining that I liked him and I'd like to get to know him better... he should have gotten the letter either Saturday or today (Monday). The problem is, that he hasn't called me yet... at all since we last went out... I really like him... but I don't want to call him and scare him off... What should I do?

Dear A Guy Problem (not a surprise),
If he hasn't called, that's a message. He knows how you feel, he has your number. If and when it happens, it should come from him.
ms. X


Lost in finding real me, Guy, girl, or both.

Dear msX ~
Let me tell you about myself to help you in understanding my problem and giving me the right advice.

I am a male, 19 yrs old. I am from the Middle East originally.(Arabia). I live in the USA now since I was 13 yrs old. I came to the USA with my older brother who is 24 yrs old.

When I was in the middle east, I went to school with boys only, there were separate schools for boys and girls. That was between the age of 5 and 13. All my friends were boys up till I came to this country(USA).
Now to go back when I was five, I was a very good looking child as my parents and all my family said. I got abused by relatives and friends (sexual abuse). I had a very weak connection with my family. I kept my secret inside me all these past years. Just recently I started to think about it again. I am 19 now I never had any kinda of relationship with a girl nor with a guy. I don't really know the reason why. Is it the fear of getting abused again, is it that I am not sure who I wanna be with, a girl or a guy. I like guys and girls equally as friends (no sex issue here) but till I will be thinking this way, I am growing up now I need to decide for myself which way to go as far as finding a soul mate. I strongly don't agree with being bi or gay. But again I tend to have good time with male friends than with females. Just to let you know I never had any sexual experience with guys except the time when I was little and helpless. My dad works for the government in my country (always busy). Mom never understood me and trusted anyone who babysat me when I was little, even the people who hurt and abused me. I was very wealthy back home. And it was my idea to escape to the USA. since I came to the USA I keep blaming my parents for everything that happened to me in the middle east which had a big effect on me at the present time. So I decided to support myself and lose connection with my parent, family and everyone abused me.

I was a straight A student most of the time. Now in college I am holding a 3.5 average. But recently as I stated above these old memories started to effect me lots. I don't feel like going to school or to work. I am always daydreaming or zoning-out. So this thing is really bothering me and screwing my life. sorry if talked a lot. Please give me you point of view and advice ASAP, should you need more info, just let me know. Thanks lots.

Dear Lost in Finding Real Me,
I am so sorry about your childhood being broken in such a way. You should be commended for rising above those circumstances and achieving academic excellence. You are obviously a smart young man, so you should know that whether you are straight or gay, you need to work out the issues of your childhood. Some of what you describe is cultural differences. But, victims of abuse need to spend some time working on their hurt psyches. A good therapist is the best gift you can give yourself. If you can't afford it now, look into finding one through you're college. You might also want to visit some of the gay groups on your college campus to talk to others about their coming out experiences or see if there's a support group for victims of abuse. Talking always helps. Check the bulletin boards at your college for info on counseling and support groups.
Good luck,
ms. X



he likes me, he likes me not

Dear msX ~
I just recently started to hang out with this guy in my class; I really like him, but everyone is telling me to stay away because he only wants sex. For some reason, I don't know why, but he isn't like that around me. I've seen him act like that around other girls, but not me. I feel like he really cares about me; he asked me to the movies one night and we cuddled and he didn't try anything else with me. I've also hung out with him at parties and lately he's been acting really protective over me and watching out for me. That must be a sign that he has some feelings for me. He set me up with one of his friends, but that didn't work out and he always asks about him and stuff, and he cuts down guys that I think are cute. He flirts with this one slutty girl in my class, and it really bothers me. One day he says he doesn't like her then when I start talking about some other guy he says he likes her again. I feel so unattractive, why doesn't he like me like that?

Dear He Likes Me, He Likes Me Not,
He is flirting. But, that doesn't mean he is ready to settle down into a relationship with you or anyone else now. People flirt for practice or because it's just part of their personality or just because it's fun. Every flirtation does not lead to a coupling. So enjoy your friendship and play along if you wish. If not, cut your losses now. But, I wouldn't expect more from this fellow than a pleasant exchange when it's convenient for him. If you don't expect too much, you won't get hurt.
ms. X


depressed

Dear msX ~
I RECENTLY HAD SEX WITH A DUDE WHO IS 20, I'M 17. I ONLY KNEW HIM FOR A FEW WEEKS. AFTER WE HAD SEX HE ACTED LIKE I WASN'T ALIVE!! HE HAS RECENTLY FOUND A NEW WOMEN AND EVEN THOUGH I HATE HIM FOR DITCHING ME I STILL THINK ABOUT HIM ALL THE TIME AND GET REALLY DEPRESSED ABOUT THE WHOLE ISSUE. I WANT TO CALL AND SAY SOMETHING TO HIM BUT HE WILL THINK I'M WEIRD AND HANG UP ON ME. I NEED TO GET MY ANGER OUT SO I RESULT TO DRUGS. MY FAMILY IS WORRIED AND SO AM I. HELP!!!

Dear Depressed,
Move on. Sorry you jumped the gun and slept with him before you knew what he was about, but it happens. Learn from it and don't dwell in the past. As for letting this be an excuse to use drugs, get real. Find another outlet for your feelings. If you need to, see a therapist, but don't let one shallow dude determine how you view yourself.
ms. X


Boy Problem

Dear msX ~
I'm 17 years old and I have a friend who's a male and he's 19. He has a girl friend I've never met. She doesn't know about me, but I know about her. We spend hours and hours on the phone he says if he didn't have a girlfriend we could become serious. The guy and I kiss, hug, go out and do a lot of other things, should I stop this or keep doing it and which of us do you think he likes the most?

Dear Boy Problem,
Now how many guys would want to trade places with your friend? Seems he's in an enviable position. I would suggest that you don't give up girlfriend stuff unless you have girlfriend rights. You may be hooked on him, but his telling you he has a girlfriend is making things very clear. As long as he's being honest, you do the same. Tell him that while you enjoy his company, you're going to have to set boundaries. Then do it. He will either shrug his shoulders and move on or realize that it's you he really longs for.
ms. X

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