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THIS MONTHS DILEMMAS ~ F E B R U A R Y '00 page 6

 

Teacher Trouble

Dear msX ~
I know it was wrong to do, but today, me and my friend ditched advisory (a.k.a. homeroom) We are in 7th grade, and need a pass if we don't go to a class. My friend ran in the Italian teacher's room, and said she needed a pass and gave it to our teacher. So she got out of it, but I didn't get a pass, so I just told him I went t the library, nurse and the bathroom. Then he said I think you cut my class. So he went and asked the librarian if she saw me. Luckily, she couldn't remember. I don't know if he went to the nurse, but if he did I am in big trouble. My problem is, I am really really scared because my friend did this before and got an out of school suspension. But she's in 8th grade. What should I do or say? Should I confess?

Dear Teacher Trouble,
Tell someone, your teacher or your parents, and be contrite and promise not to do it again. And, in the future, think before you act and don't let others lead you astray.
ms. X


when?????

Dear msX ~
For the last month I have met three wonderful girls that are best friends and I had crushes on them all at different times. They all told me different reasoning for not wanting to go out with me. Iím really good friends with the 2 and the 3rd, Iím still trying to build a relationship with. She says sheís scared of a relationship because of what has happened to her before, and sheís says she cares about me a lot but does not like me that way. Yet, she flirts with me by making fun and we joke around a lot, but I think I got too attached and I donít want to lose her, she is perfect for me, and sheís getting more and more distant by the minute. By the way I am a junior in HS and she goes to my school , she is a freshman. I really donít know what she wants, and donít know if she really likes me I tried to take it easy with her, but someone went out and told her I liked her and all I do is talk about her, I donít know whether I scared her off or what???? Ddo you think its over??? What should I say to her?? I need to get her back or else I cant even live, I donít know why but Iíve been waiting for a girl like this for a very very very long time, please help me! I cant lose her:(

Dear When?
When a guy is too intense, especially with a younger girl, it frightens them away. Take it slow in the future and take your signals from the girl. A guy who loves too fast tends to scare women, just as a woman who runs after a man tends to make him want to escape. People need breathing room. Telling someone you can't live without them puts so much pressure on them. Being that needy is not attractive in the least.
ms. X


I am in need of help

Dear msX ~
I have a problem with my sister Ashley ok she is going out with this guy for a month now and she is 16 almost 17 and he is 18. Ok first of all he has had sex with her which I think should of never happened. He treats her so bad he socked her the other day because he pinched him on the neck and so he didnít like that so he socked her on the leg and left her with a big black bruise. Then he was drunk and this girl came up to him at his house while my sister was in the other room and told him she wanted to have sex with him/ My sister heard and got all mad ok first she had too much to drink but then as soon as my sister heard this nonsense she was sober and I know she was because I could see how mad she was and I have never seen her like this before also he called me a fat bitch like three times that night and I lost total respect for him and he knows I donít like him because I try to ignore him as much as possible/ my question I think they should break up but my sister wont listen to my advice please write me back asap ok thanks

Dear Jenn,
You are right to be concerned. Your sister's boyfriend is an abuser. Classic behavior of men who abuse is to isolate their victim from their family, so that they get no positive feedback or support. He will chip away at her self-esteem until she feels lucky for the nasty kind of attention he's offering. Don't be surprised if he convinces her to distance herself from you...this is to take her away from the people who care about her, so that she becomes dependent on him. No matter what, try not to let this happen. She needs to know that you will love her no matter what this ape tells her. His sleeping with other women in front of her face shows how little he respects her. The man is trouble. Ashley needs help. This guy could be seriously dangerous. Tell your parents about the bruises. If that's not possible, tell a counselor. Everyone who keeps quiet about this kind of abuse becomes an accomplice. Even if your sister is mad at you now, you could be saving her from tons of heartache, or even worse.
Good luck,
ms. X


Dear msX ~
WHAT ARE SYMPTOMS FOR CLEMMEDIA AND FOR GYNONORIA? ARE THERE CURES? WHAT ARE THE HEALING PROCEDURES?

Dear Chlamydia/Gonnorhea,
Both are treatable with prescription medicines, but you must see a doctor to have an accurate diagnosis. The longer you wait, the more resistant to the medicine they become. A doctor will examine you, ask you some questions, take some in-office tests, and then prescribe the appropriate medicine. Make sure to take the entire dosage and show up for your follow-up office visit. Not doing anything is foolish when these are easily-treated conditions and you can infect your partners and anyone else they may have sex with.
Ms. X

trying to please!

Dear msX ~
Im an 18 year old male, and my problem is I have a girlfriend, and Iím trying to make her love me more, but can you recommend, any position and descriptions of them to me, I want my first time to be special.

Dear Trying to Please,
Every woman is different, but most would agree that a slow and gentle approach is best. Woman tend to like a lot of foreplay, so I suggest you learn to like it, too. As for position, let your bodies do the talking. Sex is not just a meeting of gonads and your sensitivity will be most appreciated, I am certain.
ms. X


Possible Crush

Dear msX ~
Iíve got this friend. well. he was a great friend of mine last year but we were not as close as we are now...well. and he is a great guy!!. .last week I went to his house cause he was kinda sick (he lives in the same neighborhood) and that was the first time we met. he told me that I was very pretty...and he is very cute too.. well he visits me and we hang out together. heís a great guy but Iím not quite sure if I have a crush on him or what it is that I feel...if I found out that he wants something with me then automatically I would like him. but I donít know what to do!

Dear Possible Crush,
Glad you said that he is a great guy because automatically liking someone just because they like you is not necessarily a healthy approach to romance. Kind of leaves you open to many potential disasters, don't you think? Suffice it to say that while it is important to have reciprocity in a relationship, and, liking someone who doesn't like you back is boring at best, you should have some active role in the selection process of who you spend time with. It is not good a idea to just go along with whoever likes you. But, if this guy is the great guy you say he is, your relationship will gently escalate as you spend more time with him. Then you can really decide if he's the one for you, or if you're just flattered to be flirted with by a new face. (That's okay, too, but a little extra-curricular flirting does not necessarily have to lead to a steady relationship. Just have fun.)
ms. X



Is this real?

Dear msX ~
A friend of mine, who is a guy, and I started getting slowly closer in October. Not too long ago we kissed and it was great he said so too. Now we hold hands but when people ask us if we are going out the answer is no. But in a way we are. Right? We've said I LOVE YOU! And sometimes I think about it and it hurts what can I do?

Dear Is this real?
Maybe. Maybe not. Are you avoiding talking about defining your relationship because it's too new? Or, are you just reluctant to label it before you get some different signals from him? You guys need to communicate. Talk to him or write him a letter. Tell him you think he is terrific and you feel the two of you are at a crossroads in your relationship where it's time to talk about whether you just have a dynamite friendship or are on the way to romance. Explain that you need to know this so you can be clear in your own head about where to classify your feelings for him. You are doing this at this point to keep mixed messages from messing up the closeness you two have. Someone here has to break the ice, dear, and if you can do this in a very diplomatic and mature way, you have a shot at making yourself look like an even better catch to your friend.
ms. X


Senior/Freshman

Dear msX ~
Just lately I started to like a senior boy. He's cute and very athletic. We'll I'm a freshman. I'm on the basketball team with his ex. She still really likes him. And is always talking about him. I had a class with this guy, and we talked a lot. Every morning me and my friend play basketball against him and his friend. I always choose to guard him. When I see him in the hall I say Hi and stuff like that. Just last night there was a dance at our school. It was lame. As I was walking down the hall, he was leaving. I asked him where he was going and he told me he was leaving. I wanted to go too, so I asked him if he would take me home. He thought about it and said no, I don't blame him, he lives on the other side of town. But at least he thought about it. Well, my problem is, How do I get him to ask me out? I don't think I should ask him, what if he turns me down? Please help!

Dear Senior/Freshman,
You seem to have an ongoing relationship with this fellow, so why not just continue on the path you're on and see where it leads?
ms. X


Guy Help!!!!!!!

Dear msX ~
I just started going out with this guy Iíve been talking to for a week or so. He's really sweet and polite and he always offers to pay for things and he is just a strait up sweetheart. but I am not sure this is what I want. I have been looking for someone like this for a long time! So why am I not psyched? I mean this guy has got it all! looks, money, heart, the whole nine yards! But I have gotten so used to being single I am not sure that this is what I want now. when I am single, I want a good boyfriend, when I am going out with someone I want to be single! I don't know what's wrong with me!!!! I am so confused about what I want right now I don't want to mess this up but also he is a lot different than the guys I normally hang around and I am really not used to that. so tell me please.... what should I do??????? Stay with him or let him go?

Dear Guy Help!!!!!
This is another one of those, take no drastic action, just wait and see situations. Don't feel compelled to commit to a long-term relationship unless you're certain, but then again, don't toss this fellow into the scrap heap when he's got such gleaming credentials. Why not just give him a chance and see where it takes you? If you find that there's not much under his silver-plated exterior within a few dates, you won't wonder in the future whether you tossed away someone who was solid gold. But, if you dump him without adequate time for appraisal, you might just find that you threw away a treasure.
ms. X


Much Older Guy

Dear msX ~
About eight months ago I met a guy who was and is the nicest and sweetest I have ever met and he asked me out. There is one thing that I know that some people may have problems with, but I don't. The thing is I am eighteen and he is thirty-five, and we are also from different cultural backgrounds. I really like him so I told my mother about him asking me out because I didn't want to sneak around. At first she seemed okay with it, but soon after she told me that we could only be friends. I was disappointed but I didn't really expect her to be ecstatic about the whole situation in the first place. So for the next five months I tried not to call him or think of him, but I didn't work I ended up calling him earlier this month and my feelings for him haven't changed neither has his for me, but my mother's about him seemed to have worsened. She told me again that I could only be friends with him and when I asked her what her definition of friends is (because up to that point all we had been doing is talking on the phone!). She said he could give me a reference on my resume or something. If anything goes wrong with me she blames on the fact that I talk to him. She doesn't want me to talk to him at all anymore and she is constantly suspicious of anything I do (She thinks that I am going out with him even though I never have.) I have tried explaining how I feel. I have even tried to get them to talk with each other, I wanted her to see that he wasn't the creepy old man she thought he was. He was willing to, but she backed off. I know that she is just trying to protect me from getting hurt, but she doesn't seem to want to make any effort towards understanding my point. I really like him and don't want to say good bye again. What should I do to resolve this problem? Is there anything else I should or could do?

Dear Much Older Guy,
Your mother is thinking from a practical point of view. You are speaking under the influence of your attraction. There is a place in the middle where you need to meet. Remind your mother than forbidden fruit sometimes tastes sweeter, but a steady diet of anything else gets played out over time. Maybe she would be amenable to inviting him to dinner to get to know him on her terms and territory, if only in the hope that you will lose interest if you get to see him under their scrutiny. It sounds as if your parents play an important part in choosing a mate in your culture, so you might have to decide what it would mean for your future to go against their wishes. Some men are worth it, others aren't. Your decision. You are eighteen and legal in most places, but your decision might still cost you in friends. Go slowly. What you'd give up might now seem important now, but you never know how you'll feel in the future once the passion cools a bit. Bear in mind that seventeen years in not alot at this point in your lives, but when you're fifty, he's going to be sixty-seven.
ms. X

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