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THIS MONTHS DILEMMAS ~ J A N U A R Y '00 ~ page 5

 

I need help

Dear msX ~
Hello, I really need someoneís help I am a 14 year old female an I am from Texas . I just want to go an have fun a n my father is to over protective an I hate it I have set here at my house for 6 months an I have never left if maybe I get to go to the store with my mother but I never get to see my friend I have even ran a way an that did not do nothing but make it worse . can u please help me and give me some advice I can use . Please!!!
Sam

Dear Sam,
As you get older, your privileges should increase. But, that doesn't mean that your dad has to open up all the doors at once. Running away did nothing to gain his trust, did it? You have to prove you can be trusted to gain privileges. If dad is still unreasonable, speak to a counselor at school. They can talk to your dad and maybe help him see you as getting older and ready for more rights, but there is really nothing they can do to change him if he's not open to changing. I wish you luck,
ms. X


guy problem

Dear msX ~
I met a guy over the summer from a town near me and we got a little close and then he went back to his ex. after that we still kept in touch and hung out. I went to his high school football game and he was with her and it broke my heart to see them together like that. they just broke up here recently and he called me and asked if I wanted to come over one night and I said yeah. well that night we got close again. I really like him until he told me that his ex really missed him and her being together. I told him that he has to make a decision over me or her. and that if he chooses her then it's completely over b/w us and that he'll never hear from me again. the reason I said that was I can't take that. I also told him that I wouldn't wait for him and that I needed to know his decision soon. I really want to be with him. Was I wrong to do this? Is there anything that I can do?

Dear Guy Problem,
Well, if you tell him you changed your mind, he's going to know he could do just about anything and you'd stick around. Better not to come across as so desperate. You look so much better when you're otherwise occupied. All you could do now is see what happens. Even if you offer him friendship at this point, he's going to sense your ulterior motives and perhaps take advantage. A wait-and-see approach is best for now.
ms. X


friends

Dear msX ~
Hi my name is Tiffy and I have two questions. First one is I like this boy, heís nice sweet and makes me laugh but I went out with him before and we are good friends but heís told me he likes me as a friend but I like him more. What am I going to do? Second is my friend Adam, he has told me that he does not like his girlfriend any more but Leigh, his girl, is my friend. Adam wants to break up but to keep it friends Adam has broken up with her before. Heís only going out with her cause she likes him and Iím in the middle of it all. What should I do?

Dear Tiffy,
As far as Adam and your friend are concerned, it's between the two of them. Take a few steps back so you're not in the middle and let them work out (or not work out) their stuff. As for the boy you like, see what happens. No need to rush anything and scare him away. If it's a friendship he's after and you push for more, you may find he's too uncomfortable to stick around and continue to make you laugh. Hang out with no pressure and who knows where that might lead.
Good luck,
ms. X


Confused

Dear msX ~
I met a guy at a party. He seemed like he was interested in me. He kept looking at me and inviting me to play a board game with him. Then I sent him an email wishing him a Merry Christmas and Happy New Year. He didn't send anything back, but then like a week later we were online at the same time. We chatted for over an hour. He gave some hints about being interested such as: asking people what I am like, making sure I realized we had a lot of shared interests, wanting my glamour shot pictures, and getting a group together and doing something the next day. I tried getting a group together and then called him to tell him and he wasn't home. I tried about 5 times too. So about a few days later I sent him an email asking what happened and wanting to talk to him and stuff. He read it but didn't write back. He is so hot and cold and I'm confused. Plus, he is my friends ex boyfriend and that breakup was confusing but it was 6 months ago. Please give me advise. Thanks!

Dear Confused,
When you're around, you're convenient. But he's not seeking you out. The message is not mixed, it's just not the one you want to hear. He's exploring, what used to be called playing the field. You seem to want him to take a more direct route into your heart and it's not where he's at now. You have a choice, you can either take it or leave it. But, you can't make it into something that it's not.
ms. X


Love

Dear msX ~
A girl likes me but she likes another boy to I am chatting right now with her what should I say?

Dear Love,
Sounds corny, but just be yourself.
ms. X


Dear msX ~
My problem is about this guy. He gives me mixed signals all the time. He flirts with me all the time, he describes the girl that he was crushing on and that girl sounded exactly like me. He begged me to go on this ski trip and I went and he was all over me. Now he's acting weird around me. We get into these fake fights and I asked him if he was ignoring me and he said yeah. After that he never talked to me!! I sent him an e-mail saying sorry for whatever I did. Then he sends me a chain letter with a Guardian Angel on it (he sent it to some other people, but I was the first person he sent it to). My question is he playing hard to get ?
Please help
Clueless

Dear Guardian Angel Girl,
Flirting is a language of mixed signals. There are no rules of the road. Stop frustrating out and enjoy the ritual.
ms. X


losing the most valuable person in my life

Dear msX ~
Well, actually, my problem is about loosing a best friend (my first and last I think). He was my best friend for at least 2 years. In the first year, I did not know that I was his best friend. In that time, I had another best friend. In the second year, I noticed that he had been very nice to me and I asked him why. He told me because I was his only and first best friend. And now, in the third year, someone came into his life and some kind like of stole him (I am not sure if he just became his new best friend). And now, I guess me and his new best friend are fighting for him. What could I do to get him back? His new best friend is always near my old best friend. He is like stuck to him... I feel unwanted and friendless... help...

Dear Losing the Most Valuable Person in My Life,
It's not over yet. It's very flattering for someone to have another person want to be stuck like glue to them at first, but then the novelty wears off. Let the new guy wear out his welcome. Your friend will eventually seek you out to escape from him. I don't often make predictions, but I have seen this one play out myself several times.
Patience,
ms. X


lost in love

Dear msX ~
I have this friend who I really like right he ask my opinion this girl he has feelings 4 so I told him if he really like her go 4 it. Should I tell him how I feel or no?

Dear Lost in Love,
Why don't you do it with humor? Then you can make it into a goof, so you both save face, if he doesn't rise to your bait.
ms. X


missing her

Dear msX ~
I miss my best-friend so much. We've been best-friends for 7 years. We were inseparable. We spent almost every weekend together and told each other everything. Then, about 3 months ago, she started hanging out with some really bad kids. They are into drinking and drugs. She has always been very vulnerable to things like that. The problem is that ever since she began hanging out with them she never talks to me. She called me 2 weeks ago and left me a message. I tried to call her back so many times and she never returned my calls. She doesn't talk to me at school and she doesn't call me. I love her so much. She is like my sister. I have other close friends, but I miss her and I need her back. I don't want her to hang around those dopeheads and I want her to be my best-friend again. Should I give up on her or try to get her back again? Help me please.

Dear Missing Her,
All you can do is be there for when she needs you. It may be sooner than you think. Don't let her draw you into her world now, just let her know that you still care about her and will be there whenever she needs a friend. You cannot force her to change back, that has to come from within herself.
Good luck,
ms. X


boyfriend????

Dear msX ~
Well ya see my boyfriend and I are having a big problem. we usually never argue, but its like if I want to do something with my friends it is out of the question. ya see I may have to be moving next year and I donít want him to feel that I am gonna leave him after I do leave b/c that is not what I want. and he feels that he needs to feel all this time with me. I see him everyday, we are together everyday. we go to school together he is at my house after work and sometimes u know I just want to be my friends ya know. its hard to make him understand how I feel. its like he'll understand it but then a few weeks later he'll go back to the way he used to be. can u help me? please Iím in need of some real advice. I donít want to lose him. I do love him!

Dear Boyfriend????
Like, do you really need another parent or guardian? Someone who needs you so much that you can't have fun with other people will keep you in a cage and suck the blood out of you. If he's that insecure, it would be a problem for me. You want someone who will encourage you to grow and open your horizons. Stop worrying so much about hurting him and see how you letting him limit you is hurting you. Get selfish, girl!
ms. X


more than a friend

Dear msX ~
My problem is that I really like my best guy-friend. We've been friends for 12 years, ever since Preschool. While I was going out with my previous boyfriend, he told me he used to like me last year. He even thought about asking me out until his friend asked him out. They broke up about 5 months ago and he is still hung up on her. She has been playing mind-games with him. She tells him that she likes him and asks him to kiss her. He won't kiss her and he told me that he is tired of her mind-games. Anyway, while I was still with my previous boy-friend, he and I made out. Either he likes me back, or he is using me for physical pleasure. We did it again after I dumped my boyfriend of 4 months. I had to because I really like my guy-friend. I know I should not have made out with him. I just couldn't stop him. I haven't done it since and I won't do it again. I want to tell him how I feel, but I am afraid. Should I wait and see if he asks me out or tells me how he feels, or should I tell him how feel? Please help me! Thanks.

Dear More than a Friend,
It sounds like one of you has to open a mouth and not just to kiss! Do some talking. Gratuitous making-out is never as much fun as kissing with a commitment. If he's not going to talk, you open the discussion up. I'd bet that you'd be pleasantly surprised.
ms. X


I feel very weird and confused!

Dear msX ~
Well Cory and I broke up just two weeks ago and I didn't know it until last week. I was the last to know, all my friends knew and I didn't. Then last night he said your still wearing it and I said what and he was talking about the ring. I don't know if I should give it back to him since it was only a friendship ring, well that's what he told me. I know now that I should never have went out with him in the first place but I was having so much fun with him in the first few weeks we were going out. But then things changed and he wanted to have sex and I said NO plus he wasn't using a condom and I wasn't on any birth control and I'm 29 years old. Now my problem is I still want to be friends with him although he never talks to me anymore. I invited him over to play pool at Raxx's and he like totally ignored me. Now when he's around all my friends he thinks he's better then we are in pool since he doing better then we are and that is not true. I had a 77 and Paul had a 72 and my brother got a 69 and Cory got a 51 so he is not better then we are. Everyone seems to want to have us back together but I said NO WAY and they want to know why we broke up and I said the way that he treated me. It's my birthday on Friday and he said that he was going to get me drunk but I said I don't want to drink although I did have a Vodka/Orange Juice an hour ago since I'm now a bartender but I need to find a job and find a place to live and a job. I don't know why I went out with him in the beginning. I was stupid and dumb and he made fun of me all the time. I really like this other guy named Dave but he has a girlfriend but I think he likes me by the way he touches me and he tells me stuff like I'm a very nice person and other stuff. What should I do? Still be friends with Dave and Cory? Then on New Years Cory didn't even come and see me so I was partying without him and had fun and got drunk and danced all night. I know I'm a much better person without him and yes I'm still going through therapy. Well I have to go now but I will write later.

Dear Weird and Confused,
If he makes you feel lousy about your relationship with him, then you did the right thing by breaking it off. You are better off without Cory. But, to jump into a new relationship right away, I don't know if that's a good idea. Give it some thought and talk to your therapist.
ms. X


sad about life

Dear msX ~
I am 14 years old and my life is already falling apart. About 2-3 years ago my parents separated and my Mom moved out. In about the middle of my 8th grade school year I became really sad, I was always tired and never wanted to do any thing. I felt like nothing mattered and everyone hated me. Plus this guy my mom used to work with moved in(around summer) and she didnít even ask me and my sis. It's always a hassle going back and forth to each house especially with school. In speaking about school when I started high school this year(which is a private school) I was really looking forward to it because it was a chance to make new friends(since I really didn't have any in the past years), plus my mom tried soo hard to get me in to this school. so at first it was going pretty good, I meet about 3 people and was actually kinda popular and happy. but then they just stopped talking to me I donít know why but it's like they all started hating me. around this Christmas I told my mom that I would trade in all my gifts just to have good friends. I didn't understand what I was doing wrong. I tried to improve myself but that didnít work either. I cried to God. My religion teachers always told us that heaven in a happy good place. So I cried to Him saying I want to be with you, I just want to be happy! I wish every night that I could make friends. I know this one girl but sheís always mean to me so I think sheís using me. SO I'M asking u no BEGGING U please help me make friends and keep them.

Dear Sad About Life,
I hope my response finds you in a better frame of mind. If not, it's time to tell mom and/or dad that you are not taking their break-up as well as you want to and you need to talk to a therapist to talk things out. Therapy is a wonderful gift you give to yourself when life isn't going the way you think it should go. Do it. As for the friendship issue, not all our friendships happen in school with people of the same age. Through your church or through a youth group, you can meet other kids your age. To paraphrase Eleanor Roosevelt, no one can make you feel bad about yourself without your permission... You need to blow off criticism that comes from sources that aren't valid, such as that girl from school. What makes her the arbiter of who is cool and who is not? The therapy will also help you work on your social issues.
Good luck,
ms. X


Guy Shy

Dear msX ~
There is a boy that I like and I know that about a month ago he liked me, because he was really flirting with me at a party. I tried to give him subtle signs that I liked him back by flirting with him, but nothing happened and I'm afraid I didn't get the point across. That was about a month ago. I still like him now, but I don't know if he likes me anymore. I want to let him know that I like him, but I'm really shy around guys and I've already tried flirting with him. Do I need to be more obvious?
confused

Dear Guy Shy,
Playing hard to get can make you hard to want. I think you might have to go back to square one with this guy. Subtlety is not for everyone, dear. If you want someone, you might have to get off your cabootie and do something about it. It's the new millenium!
ms. X


boy troubles

Dear msX ~
I tend to only be attracted to older men that are either in serious relationships or married. I don't try to be but it seems like it always happens. is that normal to always want what you can't have? and why do I find interest in only those certain individuals?

Dear Boy Troubles,
While I'm not a shrink, popular belief is that women who gravitate to unavailable men are not ready to deal with a relationship and thus choose men who are unavailable to them. If it is a pattern, then you might want to put yourself in places where there are single guys your own age. The only way you can break a pattern is to choose to do something different with your life.
ms. X


Inter-racial relationships

Dear msX ~
My problem is that I am dating a black guy and I am white. I have been with him for 2 months. Well the thing is my parents don't accept it and my mom decided to tell me this tonight. When I first told her that me and Cory (my boyfriend) were together I asked her to please try to accept it. Cory and I are very serious in our relationship and I do not want to break up with him because of my parents. I know I need to accept that way they feel but they need to see how I feel too. Someone once told me that if you are truly loved by someone, then this person will accept what you want and how you feel. Please help me, because I don't know what to do.

Dear Cory's Girl,
A relationship is always easier if you have your family supporting it. However, their judgment about who is right for you doesn't always coincide with who you choose for yourself. You didn't say how old you were, hon, but that makes a bit of a difference. If you are underage and live in your parents house, they have a little bit more authority than if you are living on your own and supporting yourself. If it is the latter, then, while it would be nice to have their approval, it isn't really necessary. If it is the former, then you'll have to wait and see if you can convince them through actions and words that Cory should be a part of your life. If you give them the courtesy of hearing what they have to say, you might find they have opposition for reasons other than Cory's race. Or, they may feel that an inter-racial relationship is not without difficulties and they want a smoother path for their daughter. Whatever it may be, it will be easier to make your own choice if you give them the respect and listen to what they have to say before you make a choice that should, in reality, be only your choice to make.
Good luck,
ms. X

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