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THIS MONTHS DILEMMAS ~ J A N U A R Y '00 page 1

 

Alone

Dear msX ~
Me and my girlfriend Sarah broke up about 4 months ago due to the fact that her mother didn't want us seeing each other anymore. She is 17 and I am 19 so there wasn't much we could do. We had been together for about a year and my whole life was planned around her. After we had to break up we promises to try and still stay and touch and get back together when she turned 18 because we were still in love, but just a few weeks after that, she told my best friend she didn't love me anymore. I feel lost without her because I never really got to say goodbye to her. Now she ignores me when I see her and she doesn't make an effort to contact me, she hasn't spoken to me nor has she contacted me to tell me anything since we agreed to break up. I constantly feel lost now and every time I try to date someone else now, I only end up losing interest or pushing them away. Every time I see her I feel like crying and I get sick to me stomach thinking about her with other people and my life without her. I still cry when I think about her and it feels like I will never be whole again, not to mention happy, can you please help me....Derek

Dear Alone Derek,
This is what can happen when you make a person the center of your world. It is an overwhelming responsibility to be another person's reason for living. You have to rebuild your life so that it's foundation is not supported by just one other person. That's too much to ask of anyone. I know that you hurt now. It's hard for you to believe this, but with time, you will heal. And, if you build your life on a more solid foundation, other interests, a job, school, guy friends, then you will be that much more attractive a package for Sarah or for the next woman in your life. Good luck,
ms. X


Anorexia/Bulimia/Self Mutilation

Dear msX ~
I don't know what to do! I just recently (the Friday before Christmas Eve) got out of the hospital for treatment for anorexia and bulimia... and, I guess it was also kinda the self mutilation (since i, obviously, couldn't do it there.)... well... Iím not following my meal plan and am eating probably less than a regular-sized meal if you combine all the food I eat... I don't want to go back to hospital (can't stand to eat the amount that I have to), but, am afraid to get better... afraid to eat... just wanna purge or cut when I do. well... I KNOW that, because of everything, Iím a disappointment to EVERYONE.. including myself.. and also a burden.. wasting everyone's time/energy... don't know what to do.. I guess this was kinda a 'vent', but just want help in trying to want to get better, I guess...

another question:
how can I go back to school???? I have to go back on the 3rd of January... haven't been there since November 18th... have so much work that I STILL need to catch up on... and, just yesterday, I sprained my ankle... and am on crutches... feel lost and alone!!! I DO go to ANAD (the association for Anorexia Nervosa and Associated Disorders) well... what to do... what to do... any advice would be appreciated!!!!!

Dear Anorexia/Bulimia/Self-Mutilation,
They didn't release you from the hospital without a continuance of out-patient therapy, did they? You need to discuss all this with your therapist and family. Going back to school is secondary to saving your own life. You need to get your health under control before you worry about other stuff, like school. Talk to your therapist about taking a leave from school or maybe getting some home-study. I don't think you need to take on extra burdens right now when you have a big one that really needs immediate attention.
Good luck,
ms. X


Time For Girls

Dear msX ~
Hello I am a 17 male who has a practically full life. I work every weekend night (Thurs.-Sun) and school Mon. -Fri... and dance classes Mon.-Thurs. night and Saturday morning. I want to be in a relationship with a girl but I donít know how I can schedule everything. I have bills I have to pay for and that is why I work.. What can I do? Can you think of anything that will help me have a relationship with a girl? Thanks

Dear Time For Girls,
Lots of people meet their love partners through work or school. Maybe you are compartmentalizing your life too much and the girl of your dreams is right under your nose, at work, at school, or at the dance studio. I would think someone like you has a lot of stuff going for you. These qualities of hard work and responsibility are mighty attractive to women, even though they do not always allow us enough time to actively pursue romance. Be patient, your time will come.
ms. X


confused and home sick

Dear msX ~
I feel like I've lost everything ever since I moved to Florida. I've lived here for over three years and I still havenít made true friends. I just broke up with my boyfriend of 1 year and right away started to date some new guy I met a month ago. It wasn't to serious which made me miss my old boy friend a lot more. This guy I'm dating doesnít really like me as much as I hoped for and he's not even allowed to date. I have problems with my head I start to loose it out of nowhere and can hurt people I really care about. I start to feel really sad and cry in the closet by myself because I don't know what to do. My boyfriend of right now says he really cares for me and I believe him. What should I do? Where can I get counseling here in Florida ??? I need help very badly someone to talk to.

Dear Confused and Homesick,
Your happiness should not depend upon a boyfriend. Sounds like you have more serious stuff going on. Find your school guidance person and ask how you can receive counseling. If that doesn't work, call the Florida Department of Health and ask what kind of teen mental health programs they run. Recognizing you have a problem is a big first step. Please don't delay.
ms. X


friend or not friend

Dear msX ~
Okay my ex's-sister, I thought we were kinda friends not best buds but just friends until she did.. okay my ex has a girlfriend now and well his sister was online the other night and said that him and his gf had broke up cuz she knew I still liked him. Well she was talking about her and everything then she asked me what I thought.. I was like I donít really know her BUT what I do know of her she is a snob! and its the truth I think she is a snob! I cant remember what else I said and I am afraid I said something else bad about her!! well today I got this phone call and it was from his GF she asked me why I thought she was a snob?? so in other words she was their that night and they never broke up! well I donít care but Iím confused this girl his gf sheís only in 8th grade Iím a Junior in HS and his sister is in college so I never hardly see them anyway except probably next year when sheís in HS! but what Iím asking is should I confront his sister or not say anything at all???
Confused

Dear Friend or Not Friend,

These people, the sister, the girlfriend, and your ex, are using you for entertainment purposes. Don't allow it. If they try to engage you in discussion, whether online, by telephone, or in person, don't buy in. They are not your friends and you are better off putting distance between you. No response is the best response.
ms. X


friend

Dear msX ~
Well, here is the thing I was with this guy for about nine months and it was just a real bad break up. Now we have started to talk(a year later)and things are going great except that my mom and step-dad aren't to happy that we are talking again. My parents' blessings means alot but, so does my true feelings towards this guy. He wants to sit down and try to work it out with them. I do too. How should I proceed this situation?

Dear
Friend,
A lot depends on why your parents don't want you with your ex. Is is because of something they know about him or is it because they don't want to give him the chance to break your heart again? In any case, you need to show them that he's changed or that their opinion is not grounded in reality. If you can give them a chance to gradually come to know and trust him, maybe they will see your point of view. If he can show them his good side, maybe they will come around. But, listen to what they're saying. They may have good reason to be down on this fellow. You may be blinded by your feelings and not seeing the things your parents find offensive. If, in time, they don't come around, you will be older and wiser by then and able to make a decision without their interference.
Good luck,
ms. X


sad in sb

Dear msX ~
I was going out with this girl for about 2 months and recently she broke up with me. Now what she said was that at first she really didnít think anything was going to really happen between us, but then she really started to like me and she didnít want a serious relationship. Which is kind of my story as well, but I started to become crazy about her and now I don't know what to do. I feel like I'm lost without her. But what I'm asking is what can I do if anything to get her back, I want more than anything to hold her in my arms again. Please respond. Thank You.

Dear Sad in SB,
You can't make someone love you, but you can remain her friend and see if, in time, things change.
ms. X


boys

Dear msX ~
I like this guy and he acts like he likes me. he found out a month or so ago that I liked him and he didn't ask me out. some people say that he likes this one girl but it doesn't seem like he does. What can I do?

Dear Boys,
You can ask him or you can wait and see if he asks you. Or you can continue to speculate about his feelings. Those are your choices.
ms. X


Torn

Dear msX ~
I am a nineteen year old male and I am currently in a relationship. I have been with the girl for 8 months and I want out. Hereís the problem. She is really attached to me and my family and has no other friends. Im scare that if I break up with her she will go crazy and try doing something dumb. Also a past love of my life has come back into play and I donít know what to do. Can you help me??

Dear Torn,
You are not her babysitter and you are not responsible for her mental health. She may be hurt, but, most likely, she will get over you in time. Don't flatter yourself so much that her life will be over without you. Do it now rather than prolonging it and giving her false hope that you will be there for her in the future. At first, it may seem that she can't live without you, but you are doing no one a favor staying with her out of guilt and obligation. Get it over with and get on with your life.
Good luck with your old love,
ms. X


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