Amy's Take

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March 13, 1998

Hey hey hey, it's Friday the Thirteenth. You all know what that means don't you? It means that some guy in a hockey mask will stalk us and shred us to pieces. Oh...silly me- that's a MOVIE. Sometimes I forgot ya know...but anyway for your "horror movie" pleasure here is a Friday the Thirteenth special- a list of my reviews of "classic" horror genre...

"It"- a Stephen King two parter, "It" consists of a demonic/Satanist clown that goes around killing little kids. Great, isn't it? The clown can morph into a variety of things including a really ugly spider. But the "clown" a.k.a. "Pennywise" isn't so tough. It gets sucked down a drain in Part 1 by a group of pre pubescent losers(Reminds me of me and my friends actually- 'cept we've been there and done that...). In the end good wins over evil (sorta) and the world is safe, with the population of children nicely reduced.

"Carrie"- another Stephen King classic, "Carrie" is about a teenage girl who is treated, to put it nicely, like CRAP by all of her classmates. They laugh at her, tease her, and blame her for losing the OH SO IMPORTANT gym class volleyball game. Anyway, the gym teacher gets the mean girls to do pushups, one gets annoyed and stages a bucket of pig's blood to fall on Carrie's head at the prom. Oops...bad move. Carrie goes pyscho and uses her "mind power" to set the gym on fire and kill basically everyone. Then later she kills her weird "religious" mother and dies herself when her run down house collapses. It's a real pick me up to watch. It's SURE to cheer you up.

"Thinner"- yet another Stephen King book made Hollywood, "Thinner" is about some guy who angers a gypsy by plowing his "young" daughter with a car. The gypsy makes him keep losing weight (where's the problem??? I'd DIE to lose weight). Speaking of err...dying...that's what will happen if the guy loses too much weight. So he goes off about giving the curse to someone else. Pretty boring material, unless you like to see an old gypsy man chanting curses.

"The Oblong Box"- ooh--- a REAL CLASSIC. With Vincent Price and everything. (For those of you brainiacs who's horror movie quotient ends with "Scream"- Vincent Price was a famous creepy guy in old movies). Anyway, this movie (based on a Poe story) is momentous. A guy gets buried alive, reincarnated by grave diggers, goes around slashing people in London, has some weird disease, and gives it to his brother. Ahhh...the days when things ACTUALLY HAPPENED in movies, and the girls weren't all peroxide blonde ditzes. Oh that's this school...sorry. :)

"The Birds"- GREAT for a laugh, the "Birds" is about a secluded island that is infested with nasty birds that enjoy pecking out your eyeballs and slamming themselves against phone booths. This movie was made by Alfred Hitchcock and is pretty good really. 'Cept pretty weird. But the scariest part of this movie is how much brandy these people consume. Whenever a bird attacks it's "Let's get some brandy". At breakfast it's "Would you like some brandy to wake you up?". And when the blonde lead is bleeding on the carpet- you guessed it, "I wonder if she'd like some BRANDY!".

"Nightmare on Elm Street"- Ewwwwww. I can't get past how Freddy kept his manicure so well! It must have cost him a bundle. Beautiful nails...and so pretty with those French tips!!!

That's all this week on Amy's Take. Hope you liked my reviews...or even if you hated them, you read them if you're getting this far, so I achieved my goal of you reading my column! Have a great weekend, and I'll be with ya next week with more stupid comments. I promise!!!! Comments always welcome- email me or I'll see you on the boards.

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