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The Snap-Back Factor Revisited
Mary Paulos

Girls, I have discovered in life there comes a time when things just do not SnapBack as quickly as they did when we were 20. My girlfriends and I have long believed that buried somewhere in the laws of physics is a clue to this phenomenon. Who cares about splitting the atom when your fanny is sliding down the back of your legs.

So for your consideration I present a few of the laws of Snapping Back.

Snap-Back time is increased exponentially by the number of years you have lived. "Une dame d'un certain age". We are called women of a certain age. So my friends and I have tested these laws to save you the time and humiliation.

FOOD: Never eat a deluxe pizza and drink two beers after 5:00pm. You will not Snap-Back before you face your fellow co-workers. If you choose to defy the law you will find that nothing you put on fits. Not rings, nor bras, nor shoes. You will have the face of a Cabbage Patch doll. The operative word is puffy.

LATE NIGHTS: Do not go to bed later than 1:00 a.m. for more than three nights consecutively. This is setting a dangerous precedent which can only become a bad habit. If you do choose to watch Letterman or Leno be advised of the following. In the morning you will look as if you have not slept in seven days. Your eyes will resemble two burned holes in a blanket and your skin tone will be the color of oatmeal. Trust me. I have been there.

The Snap-Back Factor and Beauty Sleep in the same category of physical laws as the Time Speed Factor. The older you get the faster time passes.

SEX: Remember when a little romp put the roses back I your cheeks? I suggest you romp in the early evening. Whatever happened to "afternoon delight"? If you go for an enthusiastic allnighter, just expect the Snap-Back Factor to hit you in the morning. Your first thoughts on awakening will be "Damn, its morning"! Next you will look and feel as if you have just finished your Tae Bo Class. I mean good sex is an aerobic exercise. You need more time than the 20 somethings to Snap-Back.

HAIR: When you were younger you could toss off a bad cut, color or style. "It always grows. You could shrug off with a hair disaster with attitude. Twenty somethings have not had the benefit of the 50 something attitude adjustment. At 50 you will find your hair does not comply with your wishes anymore. It takes longer to grow, if in fact it does. In the mean time you will look and feel miserable. You cannot dismiss the affects of a bad hair do. Besides, women can be so bitchy sometimes.

SUN :Really you have no business in the sun. You do not want your face to look like the seat of your father's old leather chair do you? The Snap-Back time on sun damage is nil. You will not have that healthy glow you had in your twenties. You will resemble road kill and you will be in pain.

EXERCISE: Do not assume that any amount of exercise is going to return your breasts or your fanny to their original locations. This also includes your face. To accomplish that you will need a board certified Plastic Surgeon. Do not insert any gizmo into your mouth that promises to restructure your facial muscles. Can we say TMJ? Any Ally McBeal fans? I have one word for you: wattle. Muscle tone and skin integrity will never return to their pre-fifty condition. There is no Snap-Back time here, just accept it. NO SNAP-BACK.

MEMORY: At 50 it takes longer to pull up those mental files you keep in short term memory. Sometimes all you can do is reboot and hope you have not lost any information.

So here is the core lesson to be learned from the Snap-Back Factor. THE LONGER YOU HAVE BEEN SNAPPING BACK ; THE LONGER IT TAKES TO SNAP BACK! I know, but have not yet proved the relationship between the Snap-Back Factor and the Laws of Gravity, but by God I know it exists.

We must be ever vigilant in our pursuit of dangerous threats to Snapping Back. So for those of you who remember when DiMaggio married Marilyn, take heed. We need your help. Contact me when you discover any other laws of the Snap-Back.

***ALERT! I have just been contacted concerning the Snap Back Factor as it relates to your face and bed sheets. Sleep on your back because the wrinkles caused by sleeping on one's face will not disappear before lunchtime. You will look like your sheets!

***ALERT! If you use any alpha hydroxy, retinol or another exfoliant; remember the skin of a 20 something will look clear and fresh after one of these treatments. You, have the skin integrity of a 50 something. You will look like you have a contagious rash.

***ALERT! Taking up a new exercise? Tennis? Golf? Girls, let me tell you. The next day you will not feel energetic and invigorated. You will not be able to walk or lift a cup of coffee to your lips. You are older than the last time you tried something like this. My advice; Aleve.

***ALERT! When jogging or exercising; one thing does snap back. Your breasts. I have heard you can put your eye out. Get a really good sports bra or next thing you know your breasts WILL look like 2 cats sitting in your lap!

Copyright Mary Paulos

About the author: A reader, writer, wife, sister,and cat lover. Will never be tall, never be thin, never be rich. The only thing left is eccentric.


Unless otherwise specified,
all material Copyright 1999, 2000 by the author




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