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Mommy Boot Camp ~ For All First Time Moms!
by Wendy Surber


I am Sergeant Baby! I'm here to tell you this task you have decided to take on is not for the squeamish! For the next 18 years your hiney is mine! I am the boss! There is no going back now! I'm gonna make you so germ paranoid that you'll be thinking of ways to boil the furniture!

Don't even bother calling your mommy for help! I'm your mommy now!! She'll just give you outdated advice anyway! I am very no nonsense! Especially at 2 a.m. when I want my milk!

You will refer to me as "darling", "sweetie", or "reason for living"! You will do whatever it takes to make happy! You will also do whatever it takes to shut me up! I don't care if it takes all night! You will accommodate me!

Upon arriving home from the hospital you will be issued the standard uniform: Spit-up stained jammies. You will wear those for the first 6 months.

Showers will be taken every third day. You may wash your hair once a week for the first 6 months.

You sleep if and when I tell you to! You may not even sleep for the first 3 months I'm home! That's what naps are for! You have to earn those!

You eat when I'm sleeping! ONLY when I am sleeping! If you're to tired to eat, to bad! If you wait to long I just might wake up after a half hour. That means you have blown your chance to eat until I feel like going back to sleep! That could be sometime next week! So eat now while you have a fighting chance!

Forget your house! Your house won't be clean again until I go off to college! So why start now?! Just let it go! Ahhhhh, I love the smell of old baby cereal stuck to the floor in the morning!

I will not tolerate chocolate if you are nursing me! Unless you enjoy a baby with colic! Then by all means eat all the triple chocolate brownie you want! If you don't find a colicky baby a joy to be around, then you better get it all out of the house NOW!

Breaks. I was just kidding! That's just a little Sergeant Baby humor. Ha Ha!!

Here's a little reality for you! Laundry is something that will never be caught up on! Forget it! Just when you think you're caught up on it, you'll run out of underwear! You either better run out and buy a truck load or start turning it inside out!

Dishes fall under the same category! Never to be caught up on! Start using paper plates and plastic utensils! The more time you have for me the better!

Intimate relations with your husband? A thing of the past for now! Just when you two start getting "reacquainted" I WILL wake up! No way am I sharing my meals with a stranger!

If you want to go the store or anywhere else in public, you better put in a request the week before so you can have your afternoon pass! Before leaving the premises I will need to be bathed, fed, changed, bathed, fed, changed, bathed, fed, changed, bathed, fed, changed! You get the picture!

On you first "date night" with hubby, I will be mentally linked to you! I will send mental messages of guilt to you all night! This will be especially fun if I have my first case of the sniffles!

I will embarrass you in public by passing gas as loudly as possible! I will projectile vomit all over the man sitting behind us on the bus! I will have explosive diapers all over your lap while you're talking to the valedictorian of your college class! When I'm home with daddy I'll be sure to start crying so your boobs leak in front of everybody in Victoria's Secret!

So do you think you can handle it!? Huh?! Can you handle this job?! Yeah?! C'mon and give it your best shot! Show me what you're made of!! Bring it on!!

Good! Now drop and pump me 7 ounces!!

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