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What My Kids Really Hear
by Wendy Surber


1. I say. . . Get dressed, you'll be late for school.

They hear. . .
Play with your toys, and when you decide to get dressed, move slow as molasses! They can't really start school without you!

2. I say. . .
Sit down and eat your dinner.

They hear. . .
Run around the living room! When you're done doing that, sit down, take two bites and say you're done!

3. I say. . .
Get undressed, it's time for a shower.

They hear. . .
Fight over who will pee first!

4. I say. . .
Go in your room and play that loud game.

They hear. . .
Wait until mommy and daddy are trying to hear something on the news and then come back out screaming.

5. I say. . .
You're interrupting, please wait your turn.

They hear. . .
Wait for mommy to take a breath and then start rambling on about how you're wearing shoes and have baby teeth.

6. I say. . .
Pick the pretzels up off the floor.

They hear. . .
Throw the pretzels as high in the air as you can so that they will fall in unreachable corners of the living room.

7. I say. . .
Help mommy pick up the toys.

They hear. . .
Sit down, make yourself comfortable, and watch mommy clean up.

8. I say. . .
Stop fighting or I'll take it away.

They hear. . .
Keep fighting and who ever is still alive gets the toy.

9. I say. . .
Be quiet. Don't wake up the baby.

They hear. . .
Make as much noise as you want. When you have successfully woken up the baby fell free to roll over and go to sleep.

10. I say. . .
Stop teasing the baby.

They hear. . .
Make her scream herself into a frenzy and then throw it over her head.

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