Occasionally I enjoy a spot of tea. It’s nothing fancy – I don’t get out my silver tea pot and the Queen of England
doesn’t come over. Although if she wanted to, I’d be glad to have my husband put on his tux and pour her an extra
cup.
Having a cup of tea is supposed to a relaxing ritual, like taking
a bubble bath. Although baths have never been very relaxing for me because once I’m in the tub, I notice all the
spots in the bathroom that I missed on my last cleaning, back in 1997. Okay, let me be truthful here; it wasn’t
really 1997 when I last cleaned my bathroom. It was 1993. And, of course, it’s when you’ve finally got the water
nice and hot and the tub filled with bubbles and you just step in that calamity strikes or your neighbor’s kids
come in and try to sell you things. I don’t know about you, but I find nothing peaceful in being pressured to
buy band candy while my body slowly gets pruney.
Having a cup of tea is still usually a pretty tranquil activity,
however. Assuming you survive the tea-purchasing process, that is. Have you seen how many choices there are
these days? Remember back in the old days when there were only two tea flavors: plain and lemon? Well, now you
can spend your entire day trying to choose from among orange, cranberry, black cherry, peach, peppermint, cinnamon,
chamomile, hazelnut, vanilla, peanut butter, meat loaf, etc. Okay, I made the last two up, but I’m pretty sure
that somewhere in a tea research lab deep underground, scientists in white lab coats and yellow teeth are working
on these flavors at this very minute.
Just when you’re about to fall into a heap on the floor and
beg passing strangers to pick a tea, any tea at random so you can just get out of the store and on with your life,
you notice the "medicinal teas." Now maybe I just have lower expectations of my beverage products than
most people, but I really only want them to quench my thirst and perhaps calm my nerves. I never really expect
them to take my temperature and instruct me to take two tea bags and call a 1-800 number listed on the side of
the box in the morning.
At a recent visit to my local supermarket, I spotted the following
medically-enhanced teas:
Computer De-Stress Tea – I assumed this tea wasn’t for the computer,
but the computer user. Although it didn’t say on the box. It did, however say, that the tea was "infused
with eyebright and kelp." I don’t know what eyebright is, but it sounds like a problem you’d get after spending
too much time staring into the sun. And kelp? Well, that’s not a big selling point in my book.
Pollen Season Tea – This tea is supposed to help people with
allergies, although reading the word "mucous" on the side of the box made me tear up. It wasn’t clear,
but from the picture on the front, the tea appeared to come with its own bees. Hopefully, those were packaged
separately.
Women’s Toning Tea and Men’s Toning Tea – Why didn’t I know
before I bought those expensive walking shoes last month that all I really needed was a few cups of this stuff?
The women’s tea says it has "More wild yam root." More than what isn’t clear. The men’s tea comes
with Saw Palmetto, and instead of instructions on how to brew it, some random baseball facts.
Sexual Healing Tea – The store was out of this one, so I’m not
sure if it contained Viagra or was flavored with a dozen roses and a box of chocolate. I recommend the latter.
There were also teas to help you think more clearly, reduce
inflammation, lose weight, and improve your mood. The cashier at the check-out stand could have used the latter.
Pots of it. She got a little annoyed when I asked her if the teas had been to medical school.
If there have to be so many health teas, I’d like to recommend
some of my own. I’d like to try Anti-Gravity Tea to lift things up to where they used to be back in before the
great fall. Dandruff-Reducing Tea. Memory Tea. And, last but not least, I’d be the first one in line to buy…
darn it, I can’t remember!
All these choices have worn me out. I think I’ll just have
a cup of coffee.
