I believe in self help. I have to, I’m an American. And, let’s
face it, self help is as American as calling mom on your cell phone while eating apple pie and shooting the finger
at the person in the SUV behind you. On closer inspection, we’ll probably find that the constitution gives us
the right to life, liberty and the self help group of our choice.
As with everything else American, when it comes to self help, there are more than enough choices. No matter what
your problem is (even if your problem is that everyone else is a problem), there’s a self help group for you.
Here is just a sampling of the groups waiting for people like you to sign up:
- If you put away your groceries in alphabetical order and regularly take a red pen to the newspaper to let them
know where they’ve erred in grammar and spelling, this is the group for you. Meetings are at 8:05 p.m. sharp
in the library, section 317.325.
Brother Addicts and Co-Dependents – The burgeoning growth
in reality TV has created a new addiction, with millions of people unable to leave their houses six days a week
because they feel compelled to tune in to see strangers having asinine conversations and ogling each other in the
shower. If you need to a gentle reminder that real life is just as boring and dysfunctional, join us. And bring
Anonymous – This group is for college faculty members
who will never get tenure because they are hooked on committees. Coffee and donuts provided.
of Groups Group – We meet by ourselves in the privacy
of our own homes. No one is welcome.
of Math Group – To get to this meeting, take a train
leaving the station at 5:30 p.m. and heading west at 60 mph. Try to avoid that other train heading east at 45
Addicts Anonymous – How can you tell if you’re a garden
enthusiast or an addict? Take this simple test: (1) Does passing by a nursery without going in cause you to hyperventilate?;
(2) Have you named all your children after perennials?; (3) Do pruning shears and slug bait arouse you? If you
answered yes to any or all of these questions, join us Saturday afternoons at 3:00 p.m. Bring pruning shears and
Sex Addicts Anonymous – Okay, so you’re not anonymous.
Everyone with a modem knows you’ve been downloading pictures of naked old men in the shower with Rottweilers.
So you might as well get out of the house and be derided in public. We can do that for you.
My Aching Back Support Group – The perfect place for
people with back pain to get together to whine about how mean their chiropractor is and how they never get any
sleep. Please lift with your legs.
Friends – Do you need help coping with friends who have
no control over their emotions? We can help provide you tips for dealing with overemotional people – from the
best friend who cries at dog food commercials to the co-worker who blows up if you accidentally delete everything
on her hard drive. Our friendly doctor will be on hand to write the proper prescriptions. Must have friends’
Support Group – We meet every night. In your dreams.
Without SUVs – Do you feel alone and ostracized? Well,
suffer no more. Join other people with your problem for milk, cookies, and stimulating discussions about the benefits
of cars that get more than .03 miles per gallon.
Who Are Certain of Their Sexuality, But Can’t Choose a Hairstyle
– Meetings are the third Monday of every month at Snip and Cut.
Help Addicts – If you don’t have time for one more self
help meeting, this is the one not to join.
Reconsidering Piercing – Support for kids who’d rather
not have a huge gaping hole in their tongue or bellybutton. We’ll discuss other ways to add pain and suffering
to both your life and your parents’.
Hate – If you’re a parent who has tried Tough Love,
but wimped out, this is the group for you. Learn to say "I hate you, do what you want," in a whiny,
pathetic tone no one will even hear.
Who Love Cats Too Much – Bring a DustBuster.