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Help Yourself to Self Help

I believe in self help. I have to, I’m an American. And, let’s face it, self help is as American as calling mom on your cell phone while eating apple pie and shooting the finger at the person in the SUV behind you. On closer inspection, we’ll probably find that the constitution gives us the right to life, liberty and the self help group of our choice.

As with everything else American, when it comes to self help, there are more than enough choices. No matter what your problem is (even if your problem is that everyone else is a problem), there’s a self help group for you. Here is just a sampling of the groups waiting for people like you to sign up:

· Anal-Retentives Anonymous - If you put away your groceries in alphabetical order and regularly take a red pen to the newspaper to let them know where they’ve erred in grammar and spelling, this is the group for you. Meetings are at 8:05 p.m. sharp in the library, section 317.325.
· Big Brother Addicts and Co-Dependents – The burgeoning growth in reality TV has created a new addiction, with millions of people unable to leave their houses six days a week because they feel compelled to tune in to see strangers having asinine conversations and ogling each other in the shower. If you need to a gentle reminder that real life is just as boring and dysfunctional, join us. And bring your family.
· Co-chairs Anonymous – This group is for college faculty members who will never get tenure because they are hooked on committees. Coffee and donuts provided.
· Fear of Groups Group – We meet by ourselves in the privacy of our own homes. No one is welcome.
· Fear of Math Group – To get to this meeting, take a train leaving the station at 5:30 p.m. and heading west at 60 mph. Try to avoid that other train heading east at 45 mph.
· Garden Addicts Anonymous – How can you tell if you’re a garden enthusiast or an addict? Take this simple test: (1) Does passing by a nursery without going in cause you to hyperventilate?; (2) Have you named all your children after perennials?; (3) Do pruning shears and slug bait arouse you? If you answered yes to any or all of these questions, join us Saturday afternoons at 3:00 p.m. Bring pruning shears and slug bait.
· Internet Sex Addicts Anonymous – Okay, so you’re not anonymous. Everyone with a modem knows you’ve been downloading pictures of naked old men in the shower with Rottweilers. So you might as well get out of the house and be derided in public. We can do that for you.
· Oh My Aching Back Support Group – The perfect place for people with back pain to get together to whine about how mean their chiropractor is and how they never get any sleep. Please lift with your legs.
· Overemotional Friends – Do you need help coping with friends who have no control over their emotions? We can help provide you tips for dealing with overemotional people – from the best friend who cries at dog food commercials to the co-worker who blows up if you accidentally delete everything on her hard drive. Our friendly doctor will be on hand to write the proper prescriptions. Must have friends’ insurance cards.
· Oversleepers Support Group – We meet every night. In your dreams.
· Parents Without SUVs – Do you feel alone and ostracized? Well, suffer no more. Join other people with your problem for milk, cookies, and stimulating discussions about the benefits of cars that get more than .03 miles per gallon.
· People Who Are Certain of Their Sexuality, But Can’t Choose a Hairstyle – Meetings are the third Monday of every month at Snip and Cut.
· Self Help Addicts – If you don’t have time for one more self help meeting, this is the one not to join.
· Teens Reconsidering Piercing – Support for kids who’d rather not have a huge gaping hole in their tongue or bellybutton. We’ll discuss other ways to add pain and suffering to both your life and your parents’.
· Weak Hate – If you’re a parent who has tried Tough Love, but wimped out, this is the group for you. Learn to say "I hate you, do what you want," in a whiny, pathetic tone no one will even hear.
· Women Who Love Cats Too Much – Bring a DustBuster.

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