Tell a FriendLeigh AnneLeigh Anne Jasheway ~ Queen of Stress

Thing to Obsess About Today

You may think that since the year 2000 has arrived and your computer hasnít eloped with the onboard computer in your SUV and your crazy neighbor with the arsenal hasnít come back from his hideout in the woods, youíre home-free, worry-wise. Well, I have one word for you: Ha!

Obviously, you havenít been watching nightly news magazines, whose primary job is to inform you of new things you can obsess about. Well, Iíve been watching and let me tell you, itís a jungle out there! Last week, I discovered that even your dreams can kill you. So now, of course, I donít sleep. And, as you would know if you watched the show the week before, sleep deprivation makes you tired, irritable, and 78% more likely to beat the person in front of you in the grocery line senseless with a jumbo size can of tuna and this weekís issue of the National Inquirer. So, you can add that to your list of things to obsess about in the new millenium.

But there are so many more. Itís hard to choose. You could worry about:

  • El Nino and La Nina. No, these two arenít back-up singers for Ricky Martin. Theyíre weather phenomenon that will leave you hot, cold, wet, dry, and confused simultaneously. Much like the presidential race.
  • Your toothbrush. Itís probably too close to the toilet (like, for example, if itís in the same house). And as a result, there are all kinds of nasty germs now living rent-free in the bristles. Which, of course, means, that every time you brush your teeth, those germs move into your mouth, bringing half-dead philodendron plants and their collection of records albums from the 60s with them. The best way to protect yourself is to regularly kiss someone you donít like and pass those germs along.
  • Your cooking utensils. If theyíre made of aluminum, you could get Alzheimers, or itís lesser known cousin, Joesíheimers, which causes you to forget everyone youíve ever met named Joe. Cast iron cookware is no better because lifting it can cause carpal tunnel syndrome. And of course, you donít want to get anywhere near anything coated with Teflon because it will flake off and get in your food, causing your food to slide off all your major organs, except your duodenum which is made of Velcro. And, as a result, you will eventually be thinner than Lara Flynn Boyle. Only not nearly as rich.
  • Your athletic shoes. Face it, no matter what brand they are, they were probably made by poor children in a third world country. And every time you lace a pair of shoes up, you will be consumed by guilt so overwhelming that youíll be forced to give the shoes away to your favorite charity and spend your days lying on the couch in despair. Which could lead you to become addicted to Jerry Springer, on whose show you might one day see your best friend from elementary school on an episode called "I Dated My Best Friendís Mother in the Fourth Grade." Whereupon you will have a heart attack and die. I advise a closed casket, otherwise, one of your greedy relatives will make off with your shoes, only to repeat the vicious cycle.
  • TV. As we all know, too much TV will cause you to end up an obese oversexed alcoholic with violent tendencies who regularly confuses the Miranda Code with the lyrics to Gilliganís Island. And too little TV means youíll never know what happened last night on E.R.
  • Transportation of any kind. Face it Ė if you drive, fly, take a bus, walk, ride a bike, or in any way move from one location to another, you are going to die. The chances are 100%.
  • Fruits and vegetables. You are probably not getting the recommended daily amount of 117 fruits and 49 vegetables. And if you are, youíre ingesting bushels of either pesticides or actual pests, such as Pat Buchanan. Either of which will kill you, although the latter will do it slower and more painfully.
  • Your cell phone. Every time you chat on your cell phone, you triple the chance of dying from brain cancer or the guy behind you in the Humvee. But I gotta say, one way or the other, Iím okay with it.
  • Your own voice. A recent study found that talking too loudly can cause your blood pressure to go up, which in turn, could kill you. Of course, if you talk too softly, no one will ever hear you when you ask them to pass the potatoes and youíll die of starvation.

If youíd like a more complete list, just write to me care of "More Things To Needlessly Obsess About" or check out my website, www.IWishtheWorldWouldEnd

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