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Thing to Obsess About Today
You may think that since the year 2000 has arrived and your computer
hasn’t eloped with the onboard computer in your SUV and your crazy neighbor with the arsenal hasn’t come back from
his hideout in the woods, you’re home-free, worry-wise. Well, I have one word for you: Ha!
Obviously, you haven’t been watching nightly news magazines, whose primary
job is to inform you of new things you can obsess about. Well, I’ve been watching and let me tell you, it’s a
jungle out there! Last week, I discovered that even your dreams can kill you. So now, of course, I don’t sleep.
And, as you would know if you watched the show the week before, sleep deprivation makes you tired, irritable,
and 78% more likely to beat the person in front of you in the grocery line senseless with a jumbo size can of tuna
and this week’s issue of the National Inquirer. So, you can add that to your list of things to obsess about in
the new millenium.
But there are so many more. It’s hard to choose. You could worry about:
- El Nino and La Nina. No, these two aren’t back-up singers for Ricky
Martin. They’re weather phenomenon that will leave you hot, cold, wet, dry, and confused simultaneously. Much
like the presidential race.
- Your toothbrush. It’s probably too close to the toilet (like, for example,
if it’s in the same house). And as a result, there are all kinds of nasty germs now living rent-free in the bristles.
Which, of course, means, that every time you brush your teeth, those germs move into your mouth, bringing half-dead
philodendron plants and their collection of records albums from the 60s with them. The best way to protect yourself
is to regularly kiss someone you don’t like and pass those germs along.
- Your cooking utensils. If they’re made of aluminum, you could get Alzheimers,
or it’s lesser known cousin, Joes’heimers, which causes you to forget everyone you’ve ever met named Joe. Cast
iron cookware is no better because lifting it can cause carpal tunnel syndrome. And of course, you don’t want
to get anywhere near anything coated with Teflon because it will flake off and get in your food, causing your food
to slide off all your major organs, except your duodenum which is made of Velcro. And, as a result, you will eventually
be thinner than Lara Flynn Boyle. Only not nearly as rich.
- Your athletic shoes. Face it, no matter what brand they are, they
were probably made by poor children in a third world country. And every time you lace a pair of shoes up, you
will be consumed by guilt so overwhelming that you’ll be forced to give the shoes away to your favorite charity
and spend your days lying on the couch in despair. Which could lead you to become addicted to Jerry Springer,
on whose show you might one day see your best friend from elementary school on an episode called "I Dated
My Best Friend’s Mother in the Fourth Grade." Whereupon you will have a heart attack and die. I advise
a closed casket, otherwise, one of your greedy relatives will make off with your shoes, only to repeat the vicious
cycle.
- TV. As we all know, too much TV will cause you to end up an obese oversexed
alcoholic with violent tendencies who regularly confuses the Miranda Code with the lyrics to Gilligan’s Island.
And too little TV means you’ll never know what happened last night on E.R.
- Transportation of any kind. Face it – if you drive, fly, take a bus,
walk, ride a bike, or in any way move from one location to another, you are going to die. The chances are 100%.
- Fruits and vegetables. You are probably not getting the recommended
daily amount of 117 fruits and 49 vegetables. And if you are, you’re ingesting bushels of either pesticides or
actual pests, such as Pat Buchanan. Either of which will kill you, although the latter will do it slower and more
painfully.
- Your cell phone. Every time you chat on your cell phone, you triple
the chance of dying from brain cancer or the guy behind you in the Humvee. But I gotta say, one way or the other,
I’m okay with it.
- Your own voice. A recent study found that talking too loudly can cause
your blood pressure to go up, which in turn, could kill you. Of course, if you talk too softly, no one will ever
hear you when you ask them to pass the potatoes and you’ll die of starvation.
If you’d like a more complete list, just write to me care of "More Things To Needlessly Obsess About"
or check out my website, www.IWishtheWorldWouldEnd SoonSoICanStoryWorrying.com.
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