Nothing’s Ever Easy All I wanted was some new towels for the bathroom. In a nice neutral color. Like lime green. Okay, so maybe you don’t consider lime green a neutral color. But when your bathroom is purple, turquoise, and coral, lime really tones things down. Anyway, I headed off to the mall, wandered into a major department store, serpentined past the women spritzing perfume, and took the escalator up to "Home Accessories." Which, unfortunately, was located right next to "Ladies Lingerie," otherwise known as the "Let Us Lower Your Self Esteem a Few Points Today" department. Just being in the lingerie department makes me feel older and fatter. Because apparently, you either look great in thong panties or you need a full-body girdle. There doesn’t seem to be anything in-between. And if you pause for just a few seconds in front of a rack of sexy nighties, a salesclerk who is half your age and one-third your percent body fat, will politely direct you to the half-price flannel pajamas in the next rack. Anyway, I was power-walking past the lingerie department, trying not to feel intimidated, when a bra jumped out at me. Actually, since it was "The Water Bra," it probably swam. I’m not sure. I wasn’t really paying attention. There it was, though, a bra with water in it. It immediately stopped me in my tracks because the day was rather warm and the idea of cool water on at least one part of my body seemed very, very appealing. I thought the Water Bra was probably something developed for hot-flashing women (which I am not, although I do occasionally have a hot-flashing temper). Now that would be a great idea. Buy a couple and stick them in the fridge. Then you could change every time your bra got tepid. But no, the water bra is not for hot-flashing women. Or women who live in warm climates. The purpose of the Water Bra, as with most of the other miracles and wonders, is to create cleavage. In my case a bra would have to grab part of my body from around in back of me and hoist it up in front for me to create the illusion of cleavage. Apparently that’s a miracle no one in the lingerie industry is capable of. But who’s being fooled by all these unnatural means of support anyway? Surely your spouse or boyfriend will notice you’re wearing a Water Bra if your breasts have a high and low tide. Besides, if you’re wearing a bra filled with liquid to impress a man, you’d probably be better off with the beer bra. (It doesn’t actually exist, but I’m sure someone, somewhere, is working on it.) Out of the corner of my eye, I noticed a salesclerk coming my way, so I stopped dallying in lingerie and headed to the Home Accessories department to complete my original mission. Which was… what? Wait a minute, it’s coming to me… oh yeah, towels. I arrived in the towel section and glanced around. There were plenty of green towels – forest green, seafoam green, envy green… But nothing in lime. I decided to track down a salesclerk. Now, you know that salesclerks only show up when you’re not looking for them, right? I looked around for several minutes to no avail. It wasn’t until I had given up completely and was just about at the escalator that a clerk rushed after me. "Could I help you?" she sputtered, slightly breathless, as if she’d just sprinted from the other side of the store, where she’d been keeping an eye on her department over the video monitors while flirting with the security guard. I can’t say for sure this is what she was doing, but I did notice that her shirt was buttoned funny. "Yes," I said as we walked back to the towel section. "I saw some lime green towels in here a few weeks ago. Can you tell me where those are?" She wrinkled her nose and shook her head. "Oh, those!," she had only the slightest hint of condescension in her tone. "We sent them back to the warehouse. They were part of our summer line. These," she said motioning to the stacks nearby "Are our fall towels." Imagine my horror at having committed the social faux pas of trying to pass off towels in the wrong season! What would my guests have thought? How would Emily Post deal with this situation? I don’t know. What I do know is that it’s all I can do to get my old ragged towels washed a few times a season. Where would I get the energy (or money) to put out a new set every three months? I thanked her and left – towel-less, but not empty-handed. I bought a couple of water bras. I’m gonna save ‘em for a hot day next summer.

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