Regis: Okay, contestants, are you ready? Hey, Mr. Trump, quit kicking Alan
Keyes in the shin or you’re gonna be outta here faster than I can say "Kathie Lee is a overexposed no-talent."
Oops! All right, our first fast-fingered question is this: Put the following four issues into order of how liberal
you have to be to support them, from most to least. A.Gun
control, B.Abortion, C.Gun control for fetuses, D.Shooting Ross Perot.
Okay, the correct answer is B, A, D, C and it looks like Mr. Bush got the correct answer in the fastest time.
Welcome, Mr. Bush. Are you ready to play our game?
GW
Bush: Yes, Regis, I am.
Regis: And who did you bring with you for moral support tonight?
GWB: Mom and dad.
Regis: And what do you do for a living, Mr. Bush?
GWB: I run the great state of Texas.
Regis: Sounds like a fun job. Okay, you know how the game is played, so let’s
get on with it. Here’s your $100 question. Which of the following is not a country: A.Greece, B.Iran, C.The United States of America, or D.Sesame Street?
GWB: Well, I’m pretty sure Greece isn’t a country, cuz I’d have heard of
it if it was. But… Regis, I’d like to phone a friend.
Regis: Okay, and who would that friend be?
GWB: My dad.
GWB:
Dad, do you know the answer?
GB
Sr.: I’m sorry, Georgie, I told you that sooner or later
you’d have to run your own campaign and cut loose of me. But don’t worry, if you don’t get chosen Leader of the
Free World, I’ll still give you your allowance.
Regis: Oh, he wasn’t very helpful was he? I need an answer.
GWB: I’ll go with C. The United States of America.
Regis: Is that your final answer?
GWB: Yes, Regis.
Regis: I’m sorry. The correct answer is Sesame Street. It’s a fictitious
street on PBS.
GWB: Well, that’s not a fair question. Only rich snobs watch PBS.
Regis: But you’re a rich snob.
GWB: Oh, I forgot.
Regis: Let’s say goodbye to Mr. Bush, and get a new contestant up here. Here’s
the fast-finger question: Put the following in order, from best to worst, campaign slogan: A.He knows how to keep his pants on, B.He’s a good speller, C.Why not?, and D.Who
didn’t snort a little coke? The answer is: C, B, D,
A. And our winner is Mr. Gore.
AG: Oh, I’m so excited.
Regis: You are? You can’t really tell from looking.
AG: Thank God for Depends.
Regis: Let’s not go there. And who did you bring for moral support?
AG: Regis, I brought my imaginary running mate, Thomas Jefferson.
Regis: Uh-huh. Okay, well, good luck with that. You know the rules, so…
AG:
I’m sorry, Regis, but I kind of forgot the rules. Can you explain the lifelines again?
Regis: Sure. There’s "Poll Your Constituency," "50/50,"
and "Phone An Illegal Campaign Contributor."
AG: Thanks.
Regis: Okay, your first question, for $100, is: Which of the following songs
should never be played at a presidential convention: A.Billy
Joel’s "Captain Jack?," B.The Beatles’ "Lucy in the Sky With Diamonds?," C.Madonna’s "Like
a Virgin?," or D.Marilyn Manson’s… well, anything by Marilyn Manson.
AG:
Oh, I know the answer to this one, Regis. But just to be on the safe side, I’d like to poll my constituency.
Because it wouldn’t be right for me to make a decision like this without seeing how it will affect my ratings.
Regis: Okay, constituency, which answer do you choose. Well, it looks like
they chose Like a Virgin by two-to-one over the others.
AG: I don’t know, it’s so hard to decide. I used to be so sure of myself,
but… let’s see which is worse drugs and masturbation, just plain drugs, sex with someone else, or satanic rituals
and sex with boys wearing make-up?
Regis:
I need an answer.
AG: Wait, I think I know…
