Regis: Okay, contestants, are you ready? Hey, Mr. Trump, quit kicking Alan
Keyes in the shin or youíre gonna be outta here faster than I can say "Kathie Lee is a overexposed no-talent."
Oops! All right, our first fast-fingered question is this: Put the following four issues into order of how liberal
you have to be to support them, from most to least. A.Gun
control, B.Abortion, C.Gun control for fetuses, D.Shooting Ross Perot.
Okay, the correct answer is B, A, D, C and it looks like Mr. Bush got the correct answer in the fastest time.
Welcome, Mr. Bush. Are you ready to play our game?
Bush: Yes, Regis, I am.
Regis: And who did you bring with you for moral support tonight?
GWB: Mom and dad.
Regis: And what do you do for a living, Mr. Bush?
GWB: I run the great state of Texas.
Regis: Sounds like a fun job. Okay, you know how the game is played, so letís
get on with it. Hereís your $100 question. Which of the following is not a country: A.Greece, B.Iran, C.The United States of America, or D.Sesame Street?
GWB: Well, Iím pretty sure Greece isnít a country, cuz Iíd have heard of
it if it was. ButÖ Regis, Iíd like to phone a friend.
Regis: Okay, and who would that friend be?
GWB: My dad.
Dad, do you know the answer?
Sr.: Iím sorry, Georgie, I told you that sooner or later
youíd have to run your own campaign and cut loose of me. But donít worry, if you donít get chosen Leader of the
Free World, Iíll still give you your allowance.
Regis: Oh, he wasnít very helpful was he? I need an answer.
GWB: Iíll go with C. The United States of America.
Regis: Is that your final answer?
GWB: Yes, Regis.
Regis: Iím sorry. The correct answer is Sesame Street. Itís a fictitious
street on PBS.
GWB: Well, thatís not a fair question. Only rich snobs watch PBS.
Regis: But youíre a rich snob.
GWB: Oh, I forgot.
Regis: Letís say goodbye to Mr. Bush, and get a new contestant up here. Hereís
the fast-finger question: Put the following in order, from best to worst, campaign slogan: A.He knows how to keep his pants on, B.Heís a good speller, C.Why not?, and D.Who
didnít snort a little coke? The answer is: C, B, D,
A. And our winner is Mr. Gore.
AG: Oh, Iím so excited.
Regis: You are? You canít really tell from looking.
AG: Thank God for Depends.
Regis: Letís not go there. And who did you bring for moral support?
AG: Regis, I brought my imaginary running mate, Thomas Jefferson.
Regis: Uh-huh. Okay, well, good luck with that. You know the rules, soÖ
Iím sorry, Regis, but I kind of forgot the rules. Can you explain the lifelines again?
Regis: Sure. Thereís "Poll Your Constituency," "50/50,"
and "Phone An Illegal Campaign Contributor."
Regis: Okay, your first question, for $100, is: Which of the following songs
should never be played at a presidential convention: A.Billy
Joelís "Captain Jack?," B.The Beatlesí "Lucy in the Sky With Diamonds?," C.Madonnaís "Like
a Virgin?," or D.Marilyn MansonísÖ well, anything by Marilyn Manson.
Oh, I know the answer to this one, Regis. But just to be on the safe side, Iíd like to poll my constituency.
Because it wouldnít be right for me to make a decision like this without seeing how it will affect my ratings.
Regis: Okay, constituency, which answer do you choose. Well, it looks like
they chose Like a Virgin by two-to-one over the others.
AG: I donít know, itís so hard to decide. I used to be so sure of myself,
butÖ letís see which is worse drugs and masturbation, just plain drugs, sex with someone else, or satanic rituals
and sex with boys wearing make-up?
I need an answer.
AG: Wait, I think I knowÖ