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I spend way too much time at the theaters.
I'm a slave to the Hollywood Visionaries.  God help me.

THE HAUNTING

Directed by Jan de Bont

Written by David Self,
based on the novel The Haunting of Hill House by Shirley Jackson

Starring Liam Neeson, Lili Taylor,
Catherine Zeta-Jones, Owen Wilson, Bruce Dern

My Advice:  Run for the hills!
 (or visit your dentist for a root canal - it's better than this movie).

Rating: out of

Let's hearken back to the days of Showgirls for a moment, shall we? Remember all the glitzy hype, the leggy gals, the gratuitous nudity?? Wooo hooo hooo! Now remember how bad it sucked??

This is, without a doubt, one of the worst movies I've ever experienced. I rank it right up the with that unnamable space movie Kathy Ireland did several years ago. The Haunting or Super Models in Outerspace. Um, how about a hot poker in the eye? A hot poker, blessedly, doesn't last two hours.

Nell (Taylor) is beset upon by personal problems. Her mother dies after eleven years of illness leaving Nell, who cared for her all that time, nothing. Instead, she bequeaths it all to her bitch of a sister, Carrie (Virginia Madsen). She escapes into a sleep disorder study run by Dr. Marrow (Neeson) at the ultra icky, art deco gone horribly bad, Hill House. Here she meets the excitable Luke (Wilson) and the cheap, trampy, floozy, tarty.......um.... Theo (Zeta-Jones).

Alas, she also gets another fond welcome. Voices that welcome her home.

I was astounded during trailers for this film to see them touting how it was based upon the amazingly frightening novel by Jackson. Or perhaps, on one of the big library sets in the monolithic house with the dancing cherub heads, they placed Jackson's book upon a shelf?? Well, I guess that might make it okay!! <sticks finger down throat>

The acting was painful to behold. Taylor, who is astoundingly unappreciated as a marvelous actress, did nothing to better her standing in this hideous blasphemy. Wilson was annoying as the immature Luke and, during one climactic scene where he meets his doom, I think my popcorn flew all over the front three rows as I let out a rousing cheer. And Zeta-Jones??? Well, we all know I can't tolerate her period.

This one takes "Bad film of the year" by a landslide. As a matter of fact, that one star I gave it up there??? Yank off four of the points. That oughta do it.

 

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