MOM'S NEW LAWS
Laws for Dad ~
#1 ~ You shall not eat cereal in Mom's presence. The mere sound of you sucking Fruitloops off a spoon as if you are attempting
to return them to earth from an alternate time dimension is short circuiting necessary patterns to my brain. These
patterns are the very ones that keep me from wanting to club you to death with a garden~hoe. As you can see, these
patterns are vital, so take your cereal to the shed.
#2 ~ Do not discover a problem and then pronounce "We
need to do something about it" while you retreat
to the couch with your beer and remote to watch a still~life of a Massachusetts snowdrift. What you really mean
to say is that you think I should do something about it. Just go ahead and say it. "Honey, I think you need
to do something about this." Then I can tell you to "Drop dead and do it yourself." I am much too
busy sewing on buttons to worry about anything else.
#3 ~ Don't unpack my groceries and make faces at my apple
turnovers because you think they are "icky".
When you make a face at my pastries, it lulls me into a false sense of security and I do not rush them immediately
to the office and hide them in my crock~pot. When I go to get one the following morning and you have eaten them
all, I get very upset.
"Honey ~ did you eat my apple turnovers?"
"Well, yeah. I needed a snack last night."
"But you told me you didn't like them!"
"I don't. But it doesn't mean I won't eat them."
#4 ~ Please breathe through your nose and not through your
mouth. Not a woman alive finds wheezing through the
mouth attractive. If you were to put a clothes pin on Fabio's nose and toss him naked in my bed I am sure that
after three years of listening to him breathe through his mouth I will tire of him. Three years after that I might
even get tired of him being naked. What I am trying to say is, if your sinuses are stuffy, I'd rather you not breathe
at all. When you do, I feel as if I should slap some Cinnabons to the side of my head and go looking for Wookies
in the playroom.
#5 ~ Do not undermine my intelligence. When you take sixty dollars out of the ATM so you can buy Fritos, beer
and lapdances for the guys after work, do not look at me and say "Oh, I just forgot to tell you" when
I find our account overdrawn. I know you did not "just forget to tell me." You do not tell me these things
because you are afraid I will kill you. It is okay to tell me you are afraid I will kill you because this is the
type of harmony in the home I am striving for. This just lets me know I am doing my job.
Rules for the older children~
#1 ~ If I fold laundry for you and lay it on your bed,
please have the decency to put it away. Do not place
it on the guinea pig cage so he can chew a hole in your new shirt. Do not pile it on the floor or stuff it under
your bed. Most importantly, do not take it straight back to the laundry and drop it again in the hamper. When I
go to wash clothes and they come out of the hamper FOLDED my eyes begin to twitch and I start looking for a hockey
#2 ~ Do not fight over the front seat of the car. I can not believe that it is imperative for you to sit next to me when,
even on your best day, you can hardly stand to be in the same room as me. Any further disputes over the front seat
will result in all children being strapped to the top of the car. But, even then, I imagine you will argue over
who gets the front of the luggage rack and who gets the back.
#3 ~ See following actual conversation excerpt:
"Mom, I need lunch money."
"Aw, shoot. I am out of cash. Can you just charge it today?"
"Sure. Hey, can I have an extra $2.00 for snacks?"
Do you see how silly this looks? We mothers rely on you for
our future well being. When you grow up to become doctors and lawyers we hope to be living in your poolhouse someday.
We do not want to be confined to a Nursing Home watching your father play shuffleboard in his underwear as his
teeth soak in a glass on the nightstand. You scare us when you don't think before you speak.
#4 ~ When you ask me to do something and I say no and
then follow up with a "Just because I said so" explanation, do not point out to me that you think it
is a stupid answer. Your Grandma taught me this answer.
Are you trying to say you think your Grandma is stupid? I'm going to tell her and then you'll hurt her feelings.
You do not want to alienate yourself from Grandma. When I kick you out of the house someday, she may be the only
one willing to take you in.
#5 ~ Do your chores and do not complain. If I ask you to take out the trash do not stomp around the room like
and African Elephant. If I ask you to clean your room, do not flail about the house Calypso dancing.
"Litterbox! I don't want to scoop the litter box!"
"You have no wants."
"Mom, that is such a stupid answer!"
"You know, your Grandma taught me that one, too. She is still in therapy over the "Because I said so"
fiasco last week. Are you trying to kill her or something?"
"Mom, I did the litterbox right before Christmas. Why do I have to do it again?"
"Fine, whatever. I'll do it. Can I just go use the bathroom first?"
"Well, you'll have to wait for the cat to get done. He's still trying to potty~train himself."
One of these days, I shall take the very garbage can you won't
dump and empty it on your bed. Not that you would notice.
Rules for the smaller children~
#1 ~ Please just stop doing everything you do. I am getting too old to keep up with you. Thank you.
There, that should make things go much smoother.