'Twas the night before Christmas, the children were fighting
and my neighbors had called the police on their rioting.
A cruiser was parked at the end of the drive, and in just a
few moments the cops would arrive.
I could already see my neighbors a peeking to see what fine
chaos my kids had been wreaking.
As I stood in the doorway, my hands all a shaking, I just new
that I'd never get done with my baking.
When up to my door came a fine lad in blue and before he had
spoken I knew just what to do.
"Hi, Officer. I know. Yes, I'll settle them down. It's
just that they can't seem to quit running around.
It's the brownies, the cookies, the sugar and cake. I think
that they're tasting whatever I bake.
Now add to that Christmas and Santa's appearance, and I can't
find a thing that can crack their endurance.
Just a moment. Hey, Michael! Get out of that tree! And away
from the oven, you don't need to see!
All right, that is it! Julie, put down that cat! You know that he hates it when you swing him like that!
Who turned up the TV? Can you please tone it down! You've already woken up half of the town!
Okay, you two. Stop it! I have had just enough! You better not test me and make me get tough!
Michael, put that down! You cannot drink that rum! You know
that you can't have that until you're twenty-one!
Oh great, now you've done it. You've broken the punch bowl!
You're grandma gave me that for my wedding, you know!
Quit pulling the leafs off of my Christmas Poinsettia! You had
better listen to me, Julie! Oh, yes, you had better!
Super. Do you hear that? The baby is crying! I'm beginning to
think you two have your hearts set on dying!
For twenty-five days I've done nothing but shopping! I've baked
and I've wrapped until I've felt like dropping!
I can't take one more minute of this pre-Christmas crap so sit
your butts down or I'll turn you over my lap!
Santa is not going bring you your presents unless you quit acting
like insufferable peasants!
You won't get a thing! I'll pick up this phone! Just dial up
Santa and tell him to keep his fat ass at home!
I mean it! I've had it! Get your butts on that couch and don't
move a muscle, especially your mouth!
Can't you see we have company standing out in the snow! I'm
so sorry, officer. Hey, where did he go?