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December 13, 1999

Products I'd Like to See

I wasn't planning to get on the computer tonight. In fact, I took a long, hot shower and was set to head off to bed with a wonderful book when I picked up the shampoo and began to lather my hair. It set me to thinking.

Suave. What a ridiculous name for a shampoo. You'd almost imagine when I was done I'd swagger out of the bathroom with a smoking cheroot in my mouth. I'd size up my husband with a curiously cool air, sashay elegantly into the kitchen, spouting romantic poetry with a thick French accent all the while, and then settle down for a glass of vintage white wine out of a Bert and Ernie Sippy-Cup. Now that would be suave.

Stupid names, the lot of them. Suave. Flex. Oh, and how can I possibly forget the silliest shampoo of all? Pert. I have never, ever felt remotely pert after I finished my shower. Tired, exhausted and full of futility, yes. Pert, no.

What I really long for is some truth in advertising.

You Just Wish You Looked Suave!

It's the shampoo of the millennium! Bring us your poor, your huddled, your molasses! There's nothing a good shampoo with You Just Wish You Looked Suave can't get out! A new brand of lather for the unhip, totally square parent who will do anything to fit in with the kids, this is the hair care plan for you!

Fine print: Not to be confused with Your Parents Are Idiots But We Know That You're Totally Suave to be released mid February for teenaged children everywhere!

There Will Be Absolutely No-Doze For You

Need a nap? Crave some rest! Try this brand cause it's the best!

Ingredients: 7,000,000 mg caffeine
1,000,000 mg underachiever's guilt
3,000,000 mg Prozac
1 gram of fat

Proper administration of this over the counter medication is as follows:

Unscrew childproof cap. Get child to assist you if needed. Place soft, gelatinous pill on the tip of a dinner fork and then jab quickly into the soft pupil area of your eye. If that doesn't wake you up, we don't know what will.

Maxwell It's A Nut House Coffee

Welcome to another morning in that insane asylum you call home! Kids stuck in a tree? Kitten wedged down the toilet again? One, smooth cup of Maxwell It's A Nut House Coffee will free you from your worries and woes!

With an enticing combination of Brazilian Cocoa Bean, floor wax, cyanide, rat poison, Ant-Be-Gone and Red Dye #62, Maxwell It's A Nut House Coffee will get you that rest you so richly deserve!

Dial 911 Soap

Dial 911. Don't you wish everybody did? Well, now they can! Do those ten digit dialing plans have you down? Has your toddler super-glued his hands to his privates again? Another purple and green permanently markered kid? This is the soap for you!

So toss aside your So Hard It Could Very Well Be Lava and your You Haven't Seen Zest Since The Mid Seventies Polyester Rage soaps and just Dial 911 your day away!

Now in my house, that sounds like a definite plan.


Unless otherwise specified, all material
Copyright 1999 by
Marijke Hildreth



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