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December 10th, 1999

A Very Stupid Poll

Well, the world just gets dumber and dumber each day.

I've been reading a lot of the news lately. Most of it is rather depressing fodder BUT on a rare occasion a true gem springs forth. And, since all of my gems tend to be of the Zirconia persuasion, who can resist snatching it up?

I'm attempting a little online poll today. I'm so inventive! I want you to participate! Um...actually I am beginning to suffer from the paranoid delusion that no one at all is reading my column and this is my way of tracking you. Short of scanning the Member Boards and surreptitiously visiting your home in the dead of night to plant remotes in your teeth, it was the best I could do.

So, here are a few amusing snippets hot off the press. These have all been gathered from the AP Wires. Just that facts, Ma'am. Please cast your vote below.

#1 - Turtle Pants
MIAMI - As Barbados pet shop owner Rodney Carrington passed through the Customs area at Miami International, he told the officers there he had nothing to declare.

But his pants told a different story.

Mr. Carrington was taken into custody Friday after officers found 55 live red-footed tortoises stuffed into his pants.

Officials say they became suspicious after they noticed his pants were "wiggling" and appeared to be bulging in unusual places. (Gee, that just usually means my husband is happy to see me!)

After searching Carrington they found that, while wearing two pairs of pants, he had stuffed the 4-inch-long endangered reptiles between the inner pair and outer pair.

His plan had been to sell the rare turtles in the United States where they fetch up to $75 a piece.

He was charged with smuggling and violating a treaty prohibiting the transportation of endangered species and the tortoises were turned over to the U.S. Fish & Wildlife Service.

Hey, Customs? I have a declaration to make! What a blithering moron this guy is.

#2 - Blind as a bat (and as poor as one, too).
MEMPHIS, Tenn. In an ironic twist, a blind man attempted to rob a bank as a security guard who assisted him to the teller's window stood nearby.

After entering the bank earlier this week, Bruce Edward Hall, 48, graciously accepted the guard's offer of help and then handed the teller a note demanding money. Thinking fast on her toes, the teller mouthed, "It's a robbery'' to a guard, and then handed over the money. (My guess is she probably used a few wadded up one dollar bills and her grocery list. Not like he could tell).

The guard stopped him as he walked away.

Hall was not carrying a weapon. He was charged with robbery.

And you know what else he wasn't carrying? His freaking intelligence!

#3 - Cops and Robbers
LAS VEGAS - Four gunmen, in an example of expert planning, attempted to rob a bar.

Oddly enough, as the hapless intruders drew their weapons they were surprised to find themselves embroiled in a shootout with most of the customers in the establishment.

As the band, Pigs in a Blanket, played for the enjoyment of approximately 70 patrons the masked gunmen stormed Mr. D's, an off duty hang out for police officers of a residential Las Vegas area.

Six customers were injured but not seriously hurt. Many say had it not been for the heroic actions of one of those six, an off-duty city officer, things could have been a lot worse. Although wounded in the exchange, the officer was later listed in good condition at a local hospital.

Three of the gunmen fled. The fourth, however, was shot fatally in front of the bar.

Let me be the first to say that I do not find the death of anyone funny but, in retrospect, way to case the joint, boys! Of all the places to go screw up, you could not have found a better bar. Here's to the heroes in blue of our society who keep us safe with little thanks! You make our world a better place!

#4 - Welcome to (ouch!) Starbucks
NEW YORK - Starbucks Corp., the famous coffee magnates, have found themselves caught within a rather "sensitive" lawsuit.

A Canadian tourist is claiming that his "privates" were crushed by a faulty toilet seat at a Starbucks Corp. restaurant and is now suing the giant coffee retailer for $1.5 million.

Edward Skwarek was in a seated position on the toilet (funny, I usually hover and crouch) when he turned to retrieve the toilet paper in back of the seat. In doing so, the seat shifted and the result was the crushing of his "jewels" between the seat and the bowl.

The suit claims that as a result of Starbucks' lavatory carelessness, Skwarek suffered a crushed "you-know," Peyronie's disease, and lot's of other icky stuff. (I'm doing some severe editing here because the original text was making me queasy.)

He is seeking $1 million in damages and his wife $500,000 because she has been "deprived of his services."

$500,000 for deprived services? That man must have been a dynamo! I'm saddened to admit, as often as my hubby and I see each other, I would have been lucky to get $42.99. Hey! Just enough for a Starbucks' Latte!

#5 - Revive him! STAT!
HUNTSVILLE, Texas - Thirteen years after he heartlessly bludgeoned three women to death with a hatchet, David Long, sentenced to die this week for his crimes, attempted to end his life by overdosing on antidepressants he had been hoarding in his cell.

In 1996, Long was picked up while hitchhiking by one of his victims after being released from an alcohol treatment program nearby.

His excuse for the slayings after the women offered him a place to stay was, "They objected to my drinking. I just got tired of hearing all the bickering.''

Found after his overdose, Long was immediately rushed to the hospital in an effort to revive him. Pumping him full of charcoal in an attempt to make him vomit, hospital workers narrowly saved his life. All of this so the justice system could kill him themselves.

Now there's a fine example of my tax dollars hard at work.


Cast your vote!

What's the stupidest story?

Turtle Pants

Blind as a bat

Cops and Robbers

Welcome to (ouch) Starbucks

Revive him! STAT!

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Copyright 1999 by
Marijke Hildreth



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