NOVEMBER 27th, 1999
Oh, coffee, my coffee...
I'm so tired. My eyes feel like concrete. What I wouldn't do for a nap. While creating an online biography
awhile back I was asked this deep, thought provoking question, "What would you like to be doing five years
from now?" My answer? "Taking a nap." In my home such a thing is the equivelent to the Holy Grail.
There is no nap to be found anywhere.
My answer to this? Coffee. Nothing feels better than filling a pan full of coffee and laying face down within it.
I do this because, bar none, it is the quickest and most efficient way to soak up that much needed caffeine jolt
in the morning.
What I really long for is a brand of coffee that gives me the kick start I need. Something that will boot me from
my one-dimensional life clear into Montana. With that, I offer you this
The Brand New Latte Machine
Against my better judgment I brought this machine home. I soon expected to find a hamster living in the pot, but
I really wanted to be more instep with the 90's so I felt it was worth the risk. It was close to midnight when
I tiptoed out to my car and snuck the box into the house.
Locking myself in my closet with a flashlight I opened the box and gently shook out the contents. Extra pieces.
It came with parts unattached. That was a bad sign.
Thank you for purchasing the Deluxe JavaMocha Coffee System!
Follow the instructions precisely or the JavaMocha Helpline will laugh at you when you call for assistance. That's
right, we'll all point our fingers and
snicker behind our hands because you were too much of a dummy to figure this out.
Insert the long round thing into the small hollow thing.
Women: This step should be easy for you. Please move to step #2.
Men: Please put down the porno magazine and step back slowly with your hands in the air. We know what you're thinking,
and that's not the Step 1 we were looking for. Might we offer the sage advice that this is
seldom the Step 1 your wife is looking for, also?
Rotate a half-degree and adjust by inserting slight pressure.
Women: Well done. Move along to the third and final step.
Men: Place the magazine in the waste receptacle and try to pay closer attention or you shall deprive your wife
of her vital JavaMocha morning supplement and it is imperative she be wide awake in order to nag you
Close lid and securely hold the rubber nipple in place while creating a gentle sucking sound.
Women: Congratulations! You are now ready to experience JavaMocha Brand Coffee!
Men: Men? Men?
Women: Please fan your men back to reality.
Thank you again for purchasing JavaMocha! For any technical questions please call 1-800-WHOCARES. For customer
service please dial 1-800-YUP-ASIF. Please remember that a variety of assorted JavaMocha
Brand accessories are available on our web site, WWW.COFFEESHAKES.COM. None of these accessories actually work
with The JavaMocha Brand machine, but you should buy them anyway or at your next Tupperware party you shall be
ostracized from the neighborhood because you're such an unhip, square loser.
My husband came home that night to find me gnawing like a starving gerbil on a sealed packet of JavaMocha Brand
"What is that?"
He pulled the bag away and read it.
"JavaMocha Nitrobrand. Good Lord, woman. Is this safe?"
I took it back from him with shaking hands.
"I don't know."
"Where are all the kids?"
"I constructed a space station in the back yard using garbage can lids, leftover popsicle sticks and three
hundred yards of Flowbee tubing. I think they're trying to set the controls for Mars. Oh, I retooled that old Ford
in the garage you've been working on and I hand crocheted a new carpet for the family room using a bobby pin and
recycled dish towels"
At this point the cat walks by.
"Honey, the cat is naked."
"I know. He wouldn't sit still when I vacuumed him."
Later as I sat barricaded in my closet penning a letter to JavaMocha begging them to enroll me in their JavaMocha
Monthly Coffee Club my husband tried to club down the door to get the Latte machine away
from me. Ha ha ha. I've got news for him. I also reconfigured a few hangers and an old winter snowsuit into a heating
unit. I'll have coffee for months.