November 20th, 1999
I Have Worms in My Freezer
::sits quietly at her keyboard::
Dear Lord. So by now you have realized my Journal is being
published each and everyday at Coffeerooms. You see, initially I thought they were just gonna take all of
my cute little stories and frame 'em all pretty and that would be that. Well, today is my official "up
and running day". Everything I say is there. Everything. Not just my stories but every audible
noise I utter onto this page will be there tomorrow. ::waving to Coffeerooms viewers:: Hey, if you
really do see this, drop me an email. But don't tell me how stupid I am because then I'll have to hunt
you down and flog you with a noodle. Well, that was funny, no? I'm soooooooooooooo nervous! And
now you all even know the cat pooped in my bed yesterday. This means even my average day has to be funny.
Ha ha. I'm going to hire some party clowns.
::sits a second more and labors at being funny::
The icicle lights I used to decorate my house blew up on the
roof. You know, kind of flipped up there when a big wind came by? Now my house looks like a landing
strip. I'll probably have a 747 on my house by morning.
::absent-mindedly picks at her teeth with a paperclip::
Well, um. ::stammering:: Ugh.
My refrigerator is a scary, scary place. I have leftovers in
there that are no longer left, they are simply forgotten. On any given day you can find bologna so hard and solidified
you could use it as a coaster or a Frisbee for the dog. I am forever reaching in there to get something only to
find that the wrapper is there but the treat has been extracted with all the precision of a heart surgeon. I'm
lucky now, because the smaller children can't detect the pudding all over their faces when I bust them, but pretty
soon they'll grow up and I shall need to invest in a x-ray machine and conveyor belt like the ones at the airport.
I'll be forced to shuttle them down it in turn if I ever want to know where my Cadbury bar has gone. I know it's
not going to bring the candy back, but it's a matter of principal.
I opened my freezer the other day and much to my surprise and
delight, found a jelly jar with two slow moving worms in it.
bugs are these?" I shouted.
From the bathroom my son hollered, "Mine, Mom."
tell, young Bathroomeo, why are they nestled in here next to my brussel sprouts and my Lean Cuisine's?"
"They're for a science experiment. The teacher though the
freezer would be a more humane way for them to go." he yells back as he flushes.
My faith in humanity has been restored.
I can not personally imagine a fate much worse than being shoved
in a jar and spending my last remaining hours under the mocking watch of the Jolly Green Giant and his odd friend
I wondered if the little nocturnal creatures were somehow communing
with each other while the pondered this cruel twist of fate.
"Hey, Bubba - look at them there Dove's bars. Boy, I wouldn't
mind getting my teeth into one of them!"
"Shaddup, Merl, you segmented fool. You ain't got no teeth.
Now help me get this here Smucker's lid off."
More humane way to go. If you ask me, I'd rather have someone
stomp on my head with a great big Nike. I'm sure Merle and Bubba would agree.