October 31st, 1999
Guide to Motherhood
I think we need a hand held reference guide. I would like something
about the size of Time Magazine. Something that rolls up nice so you can beat yourself on the head with it for
the rest of your life as you cry over all of your stupid choices. We need a book that they can give you from the
get go to let you know exactly where you stand and how futile this whole parenthood thing is to begin with. If
not a book, they should at least run a video depicting life AFTER childbirth. Of course that will make the remainder
of pregnancy pretty damn depressing, but forewarned is forearmed.
Welcome to Parenthood!
This is your child! Isn't he/she cute? Look at all those perfect
little toes and that angelic cherub face! Please note that, although small, this child packs the decibel wattage
of an English Rock band tuning instruments. This child shall sleep - but not when you do. This child shall eat
- most often when you do AND what you eat. That does not mean it will share a meal with you. This means it will
eat yours. That is what kids do. Although resilient enough to drop from the highest peak of Mount Everest and hit
a few goats on the way down before finally nestling head first into thorn bush, this child will most assuredly
cry with all the drama of Gwynth Paltrow if he even so much as skins his knee and he knows you are watching. Please
enjoy your child for the first few months. Your child will make you very aware as to when he no longer desires
to be enjoyable.
Example - Label as hint number one: You have bent to tie this
child's shoes and she screams "I CAN DO IT!" with all the relish of a tornado in Nikes and then kicks
the loose shoe through the screen of your television set.
At this unenjoyable point, your child will begin to become less
enjoyable by the day. Please note that you can recognize your child at this age by a surly face, bad attitude and
unkempt hair. Please do not attempt to comb this child's hair. Any delicate imbalance of the head shall be sure
to knock them out of Nobel Prize range and straight to the fry machine for a future. (Editors note: While the previous
is entirely untrue it made us all feel somewhat better.) A child wishes to have a dirty face. It is somewhat indicative
of their dirty climate and lack of overall style. Please also make note that a child really does prefer to communicate
by tossing his peas across the kitchen and is delighted when the vegetable lodges in your eye. This amuses the
child. A child should be amused often and at your expense. (Editor's note: Although peas are acceptable, please
do not attempt to catch larger fruits or vegetable with the eye. One of our staff now wears a patch as the result
of a vicious broccoli fly-by.)
A child's later years are fraught with peril. At this point
they fall into two classification based on sex.
Female: The female child is accompanied by the "I can't
wait until you have children of your own" curse. She is a genetic marvel designed to reflect back at her mother
- times ten - all her said mother dished out when she was a child.
The Cause (The child's mother): Was once caught by her mother
smoking a cigarette in the shed with that horrible boy Luke Johnson who never combed his hair.
The Effect (your female child): Your daughter shall be smoking
mind altering substances with guys named Snake and Ragweed while dancing the partially naked hula on a picnic table
during the "All American Psychos On Bikes Convention."
The female child shall steal all of your personal items and
wear all of your clothes. In fact, it is highly recommended that as the mother you should string yourself from
a tree with a jumprope because your stuff is now having a much better time than it ever would have had with you
and may never come back.
Male: The male child mirrors little if nothing. In fact, if
you were to set the adult male next to the male child, except for the overall size difference you really won't
notice anything different about them at all.
The Cause (The child's father): Wow, that was a totally cool
car! I bet if I had one of those I could meet lots of really hot chicks.
The Effect (your male child): Wow, that was a totally cool car!
I bet if I had one of those I could meet lots of really hot chicks.
See? Not too different.
Your child shall grow and most assuredly enter college. Those
of you who did not upset your child delicate head balance during the most formative years by running a comb thought
it will be pleased to find yourselves harboring doctors and lawyers within your families. They will lavish you
with well deserved gifts such as cars and houses. They will ship you on trips to Switzerland and buy you timeshares
in the Tajma Hall just because "You're the best Mom and Dad in the world!"
Those of you who do the opposite of the above will find yourselves
harboring fugitives. Don't say we didn't warn you.