March 28, 2000
People are forever doing things that make me question their
entire existence on this very planet we call home. Once needing further confirmation on an order I had made, I
placed a call to their toll-free help desk number.
"Hello. Silverspoon Help Line. This is Tiffany. How may I help you today?"
"Hi, Tiffany. I need to check on the status of my order please."
"Oh, I am sorry. Our computers are currently down because someone dropped a cookie into the mainframe and
a small hideously disfigured rat - compelled by the cookie scent - crawled into to retrieve it, hit the lunar flux
diodes and blew out the entire database system."
All of this information dealt out with the voice and spirit of a pep-squadder on acid.
"So you can't help me?"
"Not at this time. We are bringing in a repair crew from Japan and as soon as we can piece together the dual
actuator and attach all the small information wires back to the transducer, we should have your information."
"So, in other words, today you are not a help desk, you are more of a hindrance desk, huh?"
"Never mind. How long until you get this thing back up and running?"
"We're hoping for within the decade"
I take a moment to think about this.
"If you can't help me, why are you still perpetrating yourself as the help desk and asking people if you can
help them? In fact, why are you even answering the damn phones!"
"This is the help center. It is our job to help and assist in anyway possible"
"Well, you're certainly not helping me much."
"I am sorry ma'am. We hate to inconvenience you. While I have you on the phone is there anything else I can
help you with?"
"How about World Peace? Can you do that? Wait, I bet that's too much. My daughter lost her retainer last weekend
on a Girl Scout trip to the mountains, can you help with that! My husband snores so much that I haven't had a decent
night's sleep in years and I am now forced to use the family cats as dual earmuffs! Can you help me with that!"
"Never mind. I'll just let you get back to linking those paperclips together."
<sigh> Will things ever change?
See you Wednesday;