MOM to MOM
January 18th, 2000
I'm having an awesome weekend. I sold one column -- that's right, just one -- to a website for $275.00. You could
have knocked me down with a feather.
More importantly, I hooked up with a fellow over the weekend who wants me to start doing satirical stories for
his doll collecting magazine. Now, we're not talking your average, run of the mill collectors here. These dolls
are worth thousands and so big I am sure the come with certification of their own zip codes. The folks who collect
these are diehard, some of them no doubt supporting their habits buy smuggling heroin across the Canadian border.
I've agreed to four columns a month but, and this is the email that changed my nutty, doll collecting tune, as
a sign of good faith they are mailing me $500.00 on Monday and we've actually contracted a cartoonist to do a strip
to go with it. I'm going to be a cartoon. Move over Homer and Marge, my ship
So, needless to say, it's been good.
Also had a bonus shopping weekend. Tons of good sales.
I picked up a nice, old grandma pajama. Dark green with leopard spotted fleece and little kitties on the front.
My mother, who is always trying to come up with clever ways to say I'm fat, wrinkled her nose in disgust when I
held it to my body.
"Are you sure that will even fit you?"
"It says one size fits all"
"Well, yes. But we know they don't really mean it."
"Sure they do, Mom. Or it would say "one size fits all except you, you big fat tub of lard!"
We also got cut off by two morons no doubt on weekend mental leave as they pulled up on the right side of the car
while we were attempting to make a right turn into a parking space at the mall.
What is it that provokes people like that to pack up their diaper bags, coupons, credit cards, and all of the necessary
gear to survive a nuclear holocaust, yet they leave their intelligence at home? I'm not one to usually complain
-- shut up, I'm not -- but it's enough to make you want to pummel them senseless with a parking meter.
My family life is insane, as is always the case. This past weekend we zoomed thru the stratosphere, narrowly missing
a messy collision with the Planet Incredulous and landed on the lava soiled grounds of Moronic.
I'm not going into detail here but my mother in law went shopping today -- I shop a lot, no? -- and she was lamenting
about her handicapped sticker that is soon to expire.
"I just don't think they'll renew it"
I suggested she merely bring in her family album, a few of our humorous yet clearly demented stories, and apply
on that. After all, I surely think we qualify as a monstrous handicap. We need to work that to our advantage.
Other than the boring little drivel, I've not much to offer. I'm working on a few ideas about free day at the zoo,
coin collecting and various other crap. As soon as I complete that, you'll see it here first.
Be safe out there.