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January 12th, 2000
So Sue Me

And here I thought that McCoffee fiasco was stupid.

A woman is suing Universal Studios because she feels the park's annual Halloween Horror Nights haunted house attraction was just way too scary. So scary, in fact, that it caused her considerable emotional stress.

The lawsuit filed by Cleanthi Peters, 57, is also looking for compensation for injuries she claims she suffered when herself and her 10-year-old granddaughter visited it in 1998.

Her suit contends that as they were approaching the exit, an employee with a chainsaw -- no chain, of course -- pursued them towards the doorway thus causing them to both slip on a wet floor. The floor was no doubt drenched in urine from all the other visitors now sitting in their Pintos drafting lawsuits of their own for having the pee scared out of them.

As they lay trembling on the ground, the big, scary employee -- no doubt some kid on a break from his regular fry machine gig -- crouched down over them and thrust the chainsaw in a menacing manner back and forth over their bodies.

Now left with as yet unspecified physical injuries and burdened with "extreme fear, emotional distress and mental anguish.'' Ms. Peters wants $15,000 in damages.

What a crock of shit.

In an age that evidently caters to the "sue happy" misery monger, I am now compiling a list of my own. It seems that you really only need very little merit to file a claim. As I am very person of very little merit, I think I qualify.

UP FOR LITIGATION:

My Dad: Plaintiff contends that aforementioned parental unit promised a doll house in the summer of 1972. You know what? I still don't have that damned house and I'm thirty-four! I look pretty stupid with all of these dolls still in my room, Dad! You've got no one to blame but yourself.

My brother, Nic: Plaintiff contends that while living within the same home as children, the Defendant "stole some of her breathing air." I've been appealing for a loan from my wealthy bro in subtle fashion for well over a month now. Do I have any cash in my mailbox? No. If he's not going to give it to me, I'll see that he spends it on me. Jokes on you, Nic.

The guy in the Ford that cut me off this morning and caused me to spill my coffee: Plaintiff contends this Defendant is a jackass and deserves to be strapped to the top of a train bound for the remote wilderness of Alaska. If I can't get any money from him, I'm going after the Ford Corporation. Doesn't matter who pays me, as long as I get paid.

Billy Morton from my third grade elementary class: Plaintiff contends aforementioned defendant once spit into her hair during reading time. This caused the Plaintiff to be sent to the restroom to wash out the goo and when she returned story time was over. Now I'll never know what REALLY happened to Goldilocks and you, Billy Morton, are going to pay a fine price for it! Spit on that!

My neighbors dog: Plaintiff contends that this animal just "bugs" her. It's not anything he does in particular but he has an odd way of cocking his head to one side whenever Plaintiff takes out the trash. On top of this, Plaintiff finds him a little stinky. I see him digging a lot and I am sure that something good is buried back there somewhere. Whatever it is, I'll take it.

Cleanthi Peters, the lady suing Universal Studios: Plaintiff contends that after reading the Defendant's story about her own litigation, Plaintiff laughed so hard that she chipped a tooth on her coffee cup. This will no doubt result in years of emotional distress, physical rehab, a permanent lisp and another round or two of expensive therapy.

Thanks a bunch, Cleanthi! This was a great idea!

   

Unless otherwise specified, all material
Copyright 1999 by
Marijke Hildreth

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