MOM to MOM
January 7th, 1999
Jeeves is an idiot.
Well, I did it. I went to www.Ask.com and I asked him. I had
worked up a series of really thought provoking questions and was ready to show Jeeves who was boss.
Question #1: Are you really as bald and moronic as your cartoon makes you out to be?
Jeeves' answer: What's your I.Q.?
Hmmm. Insulted by a gear-head.
Question #2: Did you just insult me?
Jeeve's didn't really answer this outright. Instead he directed me to a website the specialized in mean-spirited
cards. I imagine it was so I could just take my pick and use it as Jeeves' insult number two.
I could already see this was a losing battle, so I scrapped my plan and moved along.
Insults, of course, can be a wonderful thing. It's not that I delight in hurting peoples' feelings but, if your
acting like a grand-mal idiot, I think you have the right to know and someone has the right to tell you. I'm always
happy when that someone is me.
I even went so far as to start a fledgling greeting card company a few years back. Well, in truth I was cleverly
recruited by someone to write and do the artwork. Shame the only energy this guy could muster up was during the
recruitment phase. Three months later I had a million designs, some great, hurtful prose and a partner that wouldn't
return my phone calls. I guess I just have that effect on people.
In fact, I was so darned good, I'll share a few of them with you here.
I miss you. Your eyes, your hair, the sound
of your voice. I long for our nights together; the quietly whispered promises. After you left me, I came to realize
that I had also lost the most sensitive wonderful lover I had ever had....
....because since you left me your brother won't return my phone calls, either.
I can't believe you're gone. Yesterday I found
your toothbrush. You must have left it here when you packed your things. I held it to my cheek and I could almost
smell you. I wish the phone would ring. I dream of picking it up and hearing your voice. If you would just call
me and ask me if I would take you back, do you know what I'd say?
....as soon as these monkeys are done flying out of my ass.
I think we need to get together. I am sure that
if we could just discuss this like mature adults we might get that closure we so desperately need. All I'm asking
for is a cup of coffee, a shared moment. And, once we're done, I'll get up from the table and shake your hand....
...That way I can tell all of my friends I met your new girlfriend.
See? It's just not fair that one person should be so good at being mean and not be in political office.
I also did some dabbling in T-shirts.
"After my wife left me, I did some soul
....and then I realized the bitch had taken that, too."
I, indeed, am gifted. I shall leave you now to worship me in
See you Monday.