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January 6th, 2000
The Millennial Paper Jam


Did you know that if you search via AOL on the web and type in "humor online" the second match that will come up on your quest for amusement is the Internal Revenue Service? Now that's irony. Just think, all of these years and I've been missing the joke. It's not that I don't see the one-liners on my 1040; I just don't get the punchlines.

Now type "Kibbles And Bits" into the search area and your result will be the Denver Broncos. That's us, all right. A delectable little doggie treat. We sure sucked this year. I'm not kidding. Go to AOL and search. It's fact.

Now try, "Calgon Take Me Away". Apparently Calgon has been waiting to whisk me away and introduce me to the spinning therapeutics of Mohair. I've been ripped off.

Before I spend the entire evening typing stupid little commands into a search box, let's get on with business. Perhaps tomorrow I'll go to Ask Jeeves and pepper him with a bunch of really important questions and see what the useless modem head has to tell me. In fact, I'll do that and post the results here.

A little more on Y2K, if you please. I was disappointed to arrive into work Monday and find that my office was, indeed, open. The closest thing I had to a disaster was a jam in the copy machine, so you can call the AP wire service and have them get that story out. They can all quit worrying once they realize the "Millennial Paper Jam" has come and gone and that I walked away
unscathed. Billions and billions of federal dollars spent, all in the vain hope that this paper fiasco could be avoided. You know, we might have saved a ton of government cash. For one thousand dollars I would have just stayed at my desk.

One more Y2K story and I promise to bury the thing. Be advised this one ranks a 10 on my "Weird-Shit-Ometer." I kid you not.

A prison inmate in Concord, New Hampshire sewed his eyes and lips shut with dental floss because he feared the new year, officials have said.

New Hampshire State Prison guards found the inmate, who was serving time for cocaine possession, covered in baby powder and clutching a Bible on Friday night, said Mark Wefers, chief of internal investigations at the prison.

Let me take a moment to laugh here. I'm sorry but the baby powder just leaves me chuckling. Okay. Here we go.

"The inmate told corrections officers he was in fear of the new year," Wefers said.

The prisoner, whose name wasn't released, used needles that guards found in his cell. It was not clear where he got the needles.

The inmate suffered some blood loss, but not enough to warrant a trip to the hospital. He was being held at the prison for psychological and medical evaluation.

Not enough to warrant a trip to the hospital? What on earth do you have to do in New Hampshire to warrant a trip to the hospital? Yank out your eyeballs and use them as shoelace decorations?

I cannot even imagine how much that must have hurt. I'm such a sissy I have to ice up my eyebrows when I pluck them.

   

Unless otherwise specified, all material
Copyright 1999 by
Marijke Hildreth

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