Damian is almost 11.
They are about to study "puberty" in school
It was time for...... "THE TALK".
I should have been prepared for this. I knew it was coming.
I just didn't know how SOON!
I'm doing the dinner dishes, humming to the CD I have playing, watching Lucifer kick the soccer ball around in
the living room, Damian's nose is buried in his notebook, Mr Happy is writing up an invoice for work. Happy, content,
everyone is busy. I should have known it wouldn't last.
Damian closes his notebook at sits at the table with Mr Happy.
"Dad, what's sex?"
Mr Happy looks up from his work.
"Well son... it's when.... well... ok..."
He closes his invoicing book, crosses his legs and rests an
arm on the table.
He looks at me and smiles
"Boys and girls bodies and minds go through certain changes
when growing up, they go through puberty, it prepares them for adulthood."
Damian looks at him.
"Well... your voice will change and become deeper and manly, your muscles get bigger (he flexes) like mine"
I snort, recover and carry on with my dishes, eavesdropping.
Lucifer wanders into the kitchen and half listens.
"There is alot more to it" Mr Happy says knowingly.
"You start taking interest in girls. You stop teasing them because you think they're gross, and start teasing
them because you like them. You might start noticing that their hair smells nice, or they look nice in pretty dresses"
Lucifer kicks the ball around the kitchen and mumbles
"...and girls look different in sweaters".
I blink and look at him, so does Mr Happy and Damian.
He just shrugs and keeps kicking his ball.
"Dad, do all boys get woodies?"
Lucifer burts out giggling. I just stop all motion. I leaned
on the countertop, closed my eyes and prayed for him to be 5 years old again and only interested in why lizards
have scratchy tongues.
"Is that what your teacher calls it???" Mr Happy says.
"Well...no, that's what Tyler calls it. " Damian shrugs
"The proper term is "erection", and yes, all boys get them" Mr Happy says.
Oh brother. Here we go. Please be delicate, Mr Happy.
"Uh. Well... remember I said that you might notice that
a girl's hair smells nice?"
"It sort of excites you. And when a man gets "excited",
his body reacts."
Mr Happy puts his hand on his forehead, getting a little tense.
"A man and a woman have "sex" so they can have
"You and Dave had sex then?"
Damian and Lucifer look at me.
Mr Happy nods, I stare into the sink.
"You only have sex to make babies?" Lucifer asks.
I look at Mr Happy. He looks right back at me. He gives me a
helpless look. So I speak.
"Sometimes married people do that because they love each
other and it's a way for them to express that love. Like when you see me and Daddy kiss. It's cuz we love each
"Do only married people do it?" Damian asks.
Oh boy oh boy oh boy.
I put my dishtowel on the counter and sit down at the table.
"Well actually no. There are people that are not married
that do it too. Grownups." I swallow hard.
"Is it bad to do it when you're not married?" Damian questions me.
"It's my belief, and I hope yours, that you don't go around "having sex" until you meet and marry
a girl you want to be with forever. It's a very special thing and should be treated that way. You should respect
your girlfriend and your girlfriend should respect you."
I look at him hoping that made sense. He nods and doesn't say
anything. I get up and start back towards the sink.
"Did you have sex before you got married?" He says.
I stop halfway to the sink. Squeeze my eyes shut and wince a
little. One hand rests on the countertop, and I turn around to see Mr Happy struggling to hold back a very big
I take a deep breath.
"Your daddy is the only person I have shared that kind
of love with."
Ah, perfectly put. Very true, but not quite the answer he was
"Same with you, Dad?" Damian asks.
This time *I* stuggle to hold back the laughter. He shifts in
"I always respected my girlfriends, and uh... Your mother
is the only girl I share that kind of love with." He smiles
All I could think of was "Yeah, nice save. And I notice"
he didn't end that sentence with the word "now"
"How do you have babies from sex?" Damian says.
Mr Happy coughs.
Lucifer gets bored and goes downstairs.
I pull up a chair again between Damian and Mr Happy.
"Daddy has seeds. I have eggs. They come together and grow
in my tummy, and turn into a baby." I say, carefully.
"How does Daddy's seed get into your tummy?" Damian's brows furrow.
is the sex part"
"I don't get it"
Noting that God didn't answer my prayer to make him 5, I resign
myself to the fact that this won't be a lizard discussion and I pull my chair in closer.
"I don't want to get too technical, .... but, it has to
do with kissing, holding each other real tight and loving each other".
Mr Happy struggles again with a laugh and I firmly grip his
leg hard causing him to visually wince.
"Do you like it?" Damian inquires.
I give him a bored look and a fake yawn. Mr Happy swats me.
Damian gets up.
"I think I understand most of it. As much as I want to
anyway. It sounds kinda gross."
He goes downstairs to play with his brother.
Mr Happy looks at me.
"Well?" he says.
"Well what?" I ask.
"DO you like it?"
"Have I ever complained?"
I raise my eyebrows.
"You could have said "Yes" when he asked you
know" he sulks.
"And have him ask WHY I like it???"
"It would have made me feel a little more appreciated than the blank stare and the yawn"
He crosses his arms over his chest.
"He would have asked a million questions about why I liked
it, specifically because he knows we do it and we're not having more children" I said smugly.
He just looks at me.
"Is that supposed to make me feel better?" He grumbles.
"This is getting a little uncomfortable. It's hard enough having "THE TALK" without it getting TOO
personal" I complain.
Mr Happy looks at me again.
"You know what?" he asks.
"Your hair smells nice"