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I'm the Queen of the Castle


You *do* realize, that 4th grade teachers hand out assignments NOT for the children, but for the parents?

Last term, it was
"Do an essay on the venus fly trap, complete with labelled diagrams, display of either the plant or a re-creation, full text on this, that and the other thing, and colour stuff"

Well..... we bought the him a venus fly trap. And it even ate a fly right before our very eyes. Did anyone tell us it only eats like once a month? Nay. We pried it's little flower lips open and jammed a fly a day in. It wasn't looking healthy. We stopped feeding it, and like Lazarus, it sprang forth from death. But it didn't last and sadly, Lazarus died.

So much for the display.

Feeling sorry for both the dead plant and my sorrowful son,
I wrote up the report and Joey handed it in.

I KNOW I KNOW, BAAAAAAAAAD move. What 4th grader can do all that??? So what, I got a "B"! I mean, Damian got a "B"!!!!!

Then they had to do a HUGE map of Canada, freehand drawing of the country, labelling all major lakes AND rivers, with 3 dimensional mountains on the west coast, fully labelled.


*I* can't even name all the major rivers in this country. But i wasn't about to let his teacher give me MORE homework, i was still recovering from the death of Lazarus. Joey did it himself. Smugly he told me *HE* got an "A".

NOW his teacher, after a study of medieval times, says
"Build a three dimension SOMETHING from the era, it has to
have at least one working part and then write a brief essay".

Like COME ON!!!!!!!!

I was SO mad, yet another project for the parents....
but THIS time, I wasn't going to do it, it was Mr. Happy's turn to "help".

"Joey, what ideas do you have" sez Mr. Happy.

"uh" sez Joey

"I am not doing this project *for* you, not like your mother did Lazarus, i will do it WITH you however" he proclaims.

"I wanna make a castle" sez my first-born manchild.

And together they collected cardboard, sissors, string and
together they disappeared into the dark, dingy, rather frightening recesses of Joey's bedroom. About 15 minutes pass by, and Joey quietly leaves his room, gets a drink of water... I was busy being Super Mother Goddess of my Kitchen and went back to my work.

Another 90 minutes go by.

I dry my hands from 24 loads of dishes and tiptoe to Joey's door. I peek in to see Mr Happy bent over, glue gun in hand, cardboard strewn everywhere, determined look upon his face, and Joey.....

I look outside to see Joey happily playing with his demonic little brother, and the neighbour child in the kiddie pool.

Grimly, I turn to Mr Happy, he looks up at me angrily...

"I KNOW! He left just after we started, said he was going to find some moss for the dungeon, I just kept gluing, before i knew it, it was done" he sez, showing me the creation of "McColl Castle, in the land of Sier Na Nob Scotland, 1704"

In truth, it was an excellent job.

But we were both angry.

We called Joey in.

Sat him down.

The lecture began.

"These projects are for *you* to learn, young man, not for your father and I to start and finish FOR you!" sez the stern Queen Dave of McColl Castle, of Scotland, from some Nob land.

His head bows, shamed.

"That's right Joey, this was to be our project together, now I have done all the work, and the "A" you get will be my work, not yours" sez Mr. Happy.

This stops me.

I look up at Mr Happy and cross my arms angrily over my chest.

"Excuse me? "A"? What makes you think YOU'LL get an "A"? I did that whole Lazarus thing and only got a "B" and I did alot more work than YOU did!!!!"

Damian looks from me, to Mr Happy.

"Uh, sorry to break it to you, but this is an excellent job and I'll get an A" Mr Happy sez smugly.

Damian clears his throat

"Hey listen bub, Lazarus died cuz YOU overfed him, i had to lie in my essay and say that they only live a short time, AND i typed it in a new and exciting FONT, let's see YOU do that!!!!!"

"Yeah well the drawbridge really works on my castle, I'll have you know!!!!!!" he says, stomping his foot.

We hear a loud shrieking coming from outside, and look out just in time to see Squire Joseph of McColl Castle, jumping into the kiddie pool, while we, the King and Queen of the Castle, bicker over who is getting a better grade, for HIS projects.

I look at Mr Happy, he looks at me and hands me a grey crayon.

"You do the outside, I'll go gather moss for the dungeon"

 T O P

M O R E from D A V E


Unless otherwise specified, all material Copyright 2000 by Dave



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